Operation KABOOM!

In my last post (which is under this post, because that is how reverse chronological order works, yo) I laid the groundwork for my experiment today. I am going to closely mimic one day of an 8 day diet regimen hocked by a mommy blogger for over $300. I will NOT make multiple new blog posts; I will ADD ON to this post. So if you check back to see how my day is going re-read this post instead of looking for a new one.

  • It is currently 9:45 am as I’m typing. I got up at 9:30. I have taken my multivitamin, B-complex vitamins, and iron supplement as well as my Synthroid. My coffee is brewing, and when it is ready I will have 8 oz coffee with some sugar-free vanilla creamer; I will also eat my first bowl of yogurt. My baseline BP is 118/78, and my heart rate is 90. I took 2 Senokot with a Metamucil chaser last night so I could get the full experience here because if I did this crap for longer than one day the laxatives would be on board. I am a little bloated in the tummy area and am farting a good bit. Yeah, nothing is off limits today. Coffee and yogurt time!

  • 10:27 am:  Coffee and yogurt consumed. I’m starting to wake-up with the caffeine. I feel just dandy except for the bloating in my lower tummy and the gas. The only benefit to having a big ass is that when you fart your ass, alot of the time, muffles the sound!
  • 11:00 am:  I’m totally awake now. Gotta love coffee. I also have to drink half my weight in ounces of water today. That amount of water is a shit-ton, let me tell you. I have peed three times already and have had one small bowel movement. My tummy still feels really bloated, and I’m still gassy. I’m not accustomed to laxatives, and I don’t think my intestines like them one bit.
  • 11:19 am:  FUCKING HELL I CAN’T STOP PEEING!!!!!
  • 11:51 am:  I am sitting here with 4 oz. (give or take) plain grilled, dry-ass chicken breast. I am normally not a big meat eater, and I’m not happy about sitting here eating chicken and nothing else. I want a salad or a roll or some baked french fries. Meat alone = Unhappy, flatulent [SNORT].

  • 12:05 pm:  It is worth mentioning that I just got out of my jammies and into some jeans and a t-shirt. I had trouble buttoning and zipping because my lower tummy is bloated. I am having crampy-type gas pains. I usually eat alot of high fiber cereals and snacks, so this coupled with the laxatives last night is really, really uncomfortable. So far I’m not hungry, but it took alot of willpower not to snatch some carbs to go with that chicken breast. Off to the grocery store for a bit. I hope I can fasten my seat belt in the car.

  • 1:40 pm: 

    • 1:45 pm:  BP 121/87, Heart rate 104. I seriously have to go to the bathroom. And sorry for the background noise in the video; I was under the AC vent.

    • 2:07 pm:  I am so uncomfortable y’all. I went to the bathroom and tried to go because I feel so bloated and crampy, and all I did was have gas. Tea is steeping. Rock Star has been imbibed, and I’m currently working on shoveling the yogurt in. And water. A fucking shit-ton of water.

    • 3:45 pm:  I have been trying in vain to upload a video from about 3:15 pm. I ate my yogurt, tea, and Rock Star, and I feel awful. My hands and underarms are so clammy and sweaty. I feel weak and tired (but not sleepy) from the lack of carbohydrates; I can tell my body is struggling for energy. I am wide awake, but I don’t have any motivation to do anything. My tummy is cramping pretty bad, and I’m hoping for some laxative-assisted, ahem, evacuations soon. I am also starting to get irritable. I just yelled at my 6 year old for something that required no yelling. J just asked me what to do about something, and I told him to figure it out himself. BP and HR are up:  when I made the video my BP was 157/92 and heart rate was 129. From the caffeine and small ocean of water I’ve been drinking today I am having to pee every 30 minutes. Hopefully I can get the video uploaded because you can see how bad I feel and how my mind is racing:  I can barely convert my thoughts into sentences.

    • THIS IS THE VIDEO OF ME FROM 3:15 PM, POST TEA AND ENERGY DRINK:

      • 4:25 pm:  The caffeine high is winding down slowly, but my hands and underarms are still quite sweaty. BP is down right now to 130/95 and HR is 103. I finally pooped some and feel a little better bloating wise, but my pants are still a little tight in regards to the button and zipper. It’s time for more meat. I can’t stomach dry chicken again, so I’m off to eat 4 oz of very lean lunchmeat ham (not honey roasted—-no carbs!). I feel weak and tired; I’m not hungry per se, but I know that my body is crying out for energy.

      • 5:30 pm:

        • 7:35 pm:  I gave up at 6:00 and had to go crawl in the bed. I didn’t sleep from the caffeine in my system, but I snuggled up and got warm because I was cold. That right there is my metabolism revolting against a lack of energy, folks. I feel like, as we said in college after a night of hard drinking and partying, shit on a stick. When I got out of bed a few minutes ago I was so dizzy that I had to sit down for a minute. I wish I had a glucometer so I could check my blood sugar, but I’m not a diabetic therefore I don’t have one. If I had the energy I’d walk up the street to my neighbor’s house and borrow hers. I made a video a few minutes ago but there is no way in fucking hell I’m going to post it because I look awful. And why shouldn’t I? I feel awful. I am down 2.5 lbs for the day though, but it’s all water. As soon as I eat dinner and drink it’s going to come right back on.

        I have decided that Operation KABOOM! has come to an end. This is total crap, folks. I am tired, cold, clammy, bloated, gassy, moody, irritable, jittery, but oddly, not hungry. I feel sorry for the people that shelled out $300 or more to buy the pills that SWSNBN is selling. Imagine how a majority of them feel or will feel after realizing they pissed away so much money on something so unhealthy that makes you feel shitty, and for what? To lose a few pounds so you can gain them right back? To get a personalized e-mail and medical advice from a total hack who just wants your money? What a fucking joke.

        [SNORT] out!

        This experiment was my own idea and was modeled after a brand of “all-natural metabolism energy boosting supplements.” While I tried to conduct my experiment after their eating plan (as far as protein and no carbs), caffeine content, and laxative content as stated on their labels I concede that there is no way to mimic their plan 100% unless I buy their pills. Which I never will.  

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          42 thoughts on “Operation KABOOM!

          1. Oh please!!! If any of us "snortles" can offer any suggestions regarding fruits or veggies while at the grocery store, don't hesitate to ask us. We will flock to get your attention.Glassy

          2. Loving this snort! You are brave and the best snort in the whole world. I wish I was half the snort you are. Seriously, thus is fan freaking tastic!

          3. I so admire you taking on this challenge and reporting back to the rest of you! You rock!!!! But tell me, are you also spending the day on your phone and laptop, by day I mean 99.9% of your waking hours and if you do take a nap will your young son take over your phone duties?

          4. My husband is off today and has volunteered to watch the kids so I can have a day off for the experiment. He kinda got into following SWSNBN during the BK stuff and now asks me daily, "What's the crazy lady up to?" Should J need to do something we will put G, the 6 year old, in charge.

          5. I've been working on posting a video from 3:15, but the fucking thing is taking FOREVER. I am counting, but I still haven't had, ahem, a good "excretion" from the laxatives. I'm peeing like a racehorse though.

          6. I am so glad you are keeping us upraised of your progress…I will pray a healing balm for your butt, as the laxi…I mean "cleanse formula" can really burn your arseho…I mean really light a fire in you!

          7. LOL!! Thank you. The cleansing formulation is causing quite a bit of gaseous distention and collection of waste particulates within the confines of my ascending, transverse, descending, and sigmoid colon. I ascertain that as my excretory pyrotechnics continue I shall have to make the switch to a moist type of rectal wipe as well as use some protective and healing balm.

          8. I feel a little better having eaten a healthy dinner with some whole wheat pasta. I just hate that those women would do this to, more than likely, just be friends with that asshat.

          9. I have been worried about you all day ! Thanks for giving it a try. We all know she is so full of it, but man what a trooper you are to try this. I hope you keep blogging. I totally love your style and am sending you lots of well wishes with your upcoming surgery. I am also overweight (at least 100 pounds). Had 7 kids and the stress of paying bills with little income for years while doing a sedentary job has left me FAT. I hope you are feeling better. Keep up the blogging, you are super funny and good at it!p.s. Your babies are adorable!

          10. Thank you for your kind words, Mom! I hate that you are overweight as well, but in a way I'm glad you are because you can relate to wanting to lose weight badly. I feel you on the stress and working a sedentary job leading to fat. I worked 8 out of my 10 years as a nurse on night shift, and during that time with my awful eating/sleeping habits I gained 50 lbs. That in conjunction with depression and having two children has left me right at 280 lbs, and I'm 5'5''. And thank you for the compliment on the boys! How old are your 7? And props to you for having 7! WOW!

          11. Yeah, Hevel, after 7:30 I just couldn't take it anymore. Plus my husband told me if I didn't eat something he was going to make eat.

          12. I rarely, I mean RARELY laugh out loud at stuff I read online but this????? hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {snort} I believe you have a future in blogging

          13. This is so funny! I guess I never really paid attention to the pills, what's in them & how they actually work – I'm impressed you did! I have no interest in putting crap like that in my body (I'll stay fat, thankyouverymuch), so I just ignored the info. about them. Someone above mentioned this too, but yeah, your blood pressure got up there pretty good for a while. Yikes! Thanks for sharing – you're so cute & funny! 🙂

          14. I am 46. I got married in a size 2 dress, had two kids within two years and weight was okay, but I lost my job and then husband lost his job which put us in a real mess. Took years just to breath. Had a few more kids and had a great job as a home transcriptionist making an hourly wage and then.. hospitals decided it was a better idea to send transcription to India where they could pay them $200 a month (which was great for them) and made our work in the US by production. I now make 4 CENTS a line (65 characters) for voice recognition and 8 CENTS a line for straight transcription. Needless to say the last two years have been stress-filled. I love to be able to work from home, but hate making McDonald's wages. We have one more year to pay on our house and we will be paid in full. So the push is on to keep things going in the same direction. I love how you "call it as you see it" and enjoy reading your blog. You make me laugh and giggle which helps during the long nights of typing. Did I mention I work 8 pm to 4 am? Trying to eat healthy, get sleep and keep it all going has landed me at 238 pounds and trying hard to get motivated to get up off the couch. You are an inspiration and I hope you know that many MWOPers are behind you as you get closer to your surgery and I can't wait to see how awesome you will look and being healthy to boot! Thanks for making me laugh. Can't wait to read more. p.s. My daughter just started on the path of becoming a nurse. She is so excited. She is a CNA right now and just finished her first year of college. I know nursing is full of joy and full of stress beyond words. You are amazing. balancing so much, having come through what you have and I am lucky to have "met" you through a blog.

          15. Awwww, thank you 🙂 I do take an interest in the ingredients in supplements and what not after working as a RN for a decade. It's just habit. I got more interested in her crap after she said they were safe for nursing mothers and cured migraines. When she made her claims about anxiety relief that was when I decided to experiment. Yeah, I'd rather stsay fat too 🙂

          16. You know, Mom, I feel lucky to have "met" you and so many other wonderful people through a blog. I want to say several things right now so forgive me if this message seems jumbled. I had NO IDEA that transcriptionists were paid so little. I always assumed it was on par or pretty close to nursing. $0.04 a line? OMG. I am speechless. I am glad that I've provided entertainment during your night owl hours! After I left nursing and went to rehab and got treatment for my crippling depression/anxiety I had to learn a "normal" day all over again. It took me 6 weeks at least to get used to sleeping at night and staying up during the day. Even now my perfect sleep schedule would be to stay up until 3:00 am and get up at noon. And believe me when I tell you I know how those weird hours can affect your energy and weight. And thank you for the well wishes on the upcoming surgery. I've never really considered it, but my best friend out here in AZ entered a contest to win a free lap-band and she is also at 280 lbs. I told her if she won I'd get surgery too since Aetna would cover it. She won, and I'm keeping up my end of the bargain because I do want to be healthier and happier and be a good role model for my boys. I appreciate that. As for your daughter, that's wonderful. I cannot tell you how much being a CNA first will help her in nursing school. I went to college right out of high school and worked as a front desk clerk at a Days Inn. Nursing school was difficult as were the clinicals. She already has a leg up on the competition.

          17. That is the problem I am having trying to get "out" of this job. Everyone sees transcriptionist and thinks big money. Well, it used to be big money, traveling transcriptionists used to pull in $30 an hour and hotel/car rental paid. But those days sadly are over. Thanks for the kind words and just can't say enough about the FUN of this blog !

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