In my last post (which is under this post, because that is how reverse chronological order works, yo) I laid the groundwork for my experiment today. I am going to closely mimic one day of an 8 day diet regimen hocked by a mommy blogger for over $300. I will NOT make multiple new blog posts; I will ADD ON to this post. So if you check back to see how my day is going re-read this post instead of looking for a new one.
- It is currently 9:45 am as I’m typing. I got up at 9:30. I have taken my multivitamin, B-complex vitamins, and iron supplement as well as my Synthroid. My coffee is brewing, and when it is ready I will have 8 oz coffee with some sugar-free vanilla creamer; I will also eat my first bowl of yogurt. My baseline BP is 118/78, and my heart rate is 90. I took 2 Senokot with a Metamucil chaser last night so I could get the full experience here because if I did this crap for longer than one day the laxatives would be on board. I am a little bloated in the tummy area and am farting a good bit. Yeah, nothing is off limits today. Coffee and yogurt time!
- 10:27 am: Coffee and yogurt consumed. I’m starting to wake-up with the caffeine. I feel just dandy except for the bloating in my lower tummy and the gas. The only benefit to having a big ass is that when you fart your ass, alot of the time, muffles the sound!
- 11:00 am: I’m totally awake now. Gotta love coffee. I also have to drink half my weight in ounces of water today. That amount of water is a shit-ton, let me tell you. I have peed three times already and have had one small bowel movement. My tummy still feels really bloated, and I’m still gassy. I’m not accustomed to laxatives, and I don’t think my intestines like them one bit.
- 11:19 am: FUCKING HELL I CAN’T STOP PEEING!!!!!
- 11:51 am: I am sitting here with 4 oz. (give or take) plain grilled, dry-ass chicken breast. I am normally not a big meat eater, and I’m not happy about sitting here eating chicken and nothing else. I want a salad or a roll or some baked french fries. Meat alone = Unhappy, flatulent [SNORT].
- 12:05 pm: It is worth mentioning that I just got out of my jammies and into some jeans and a t-shirt. I had trouble buttoning and zipping because my lower tummy is bloated. I am having crampy-type gas pains. I usually eat alot of high fiber cereals and snacks, so this coupled with the laxatives last night is really, really uncomfortable. So far I’m not hungry, but it took alot of willpower not to snatch some carbs to go with that chicken breast. Off to the grocery store for a bit. I hope I can fasten my seat belt in the car.
- 1:40 pm:
- 1:45 pm: BP 121/87, Heart rate 104. I seriously have to go to the bathroom. And sorry for the background noise in the video; I was under the AC vent.
- 2:07 pm: I am so uncomfortable y’all. I went to the bathroom and tried to go because I feel so bloated and crampy, and all I did was have gas. Tea is steeping. Rock Star has been imbibed, and I’m currently working on shoveling the yogurt in. And water. A fucking shit-ton of water.
- 3:45 pm: I have been trying in vain to upload a video from about 3:15 pm. I ate my yogurt, tea, and Rock Star, and I feel awful. My hands and underarms are so clammy and sweaty. I feel weak and tired (but not sleepy) from the lack of carbohydrates; I can tell my body is struggling for energy. I am wide awake, but I don’t have any motivation to do anything. My tummy is cramping pretty bad, and I’m hoping for some laxative-assisted, ahem, evacuations soon. I am also starting to get irritable. I just yelled at my 6 year old for something that required no yelling. J just asked me what to do about something, and I told him to figure it out himself. BP and HR are up: when I made the video my BP was 157/92 and heart rate was 129. From the caffeine and small ocean of water I’ve been drinking today I am having to pee every 30 minutes. Hopefully I can get the video uploaded because you can see how bad I feel and how my mind is racing: I can barely convert my thoughts into sentences.
- THIS IS THE VIDEO OF ME FROM 3:15 PM, POST TEA AND ENERGY DRINK:
- 4:25 pm: The caffeine high is winding down slowly, but my hands and underarms are still quite sweaty. BP is down right now to 130/95 and HR is 103. I finally pooped some and feel a little better bloating wise, but my pants are still a little tight in regards to the button and zipper. It’s time for more meat. I can’t stomach dry chicken again, so I’m off to eat 4 oz of very lean lunchmeat ham (not honey roasted—-no carbs!). I feel weak and tired; I’m not hungry per se, but I know that my body is crying out for energy.
- 5:30 pm:
- 7:35 pm: I gave up at 6:00 and had to go crawl in the bed. I didn’t sleep from the caffeine in my system, but I snuggled up and got warm because I was cold. That right there is my metabolism revolting against a lack of energy, folks. I feel like, as we said in college after a night of hard drinking and partying, shit on a stick. When I got out of bed a few minutes ago I was so dizzy that I had to sit down for a minute. I wish I had a glucometer so I could check my blood sugar, but I’m not a diabetic therefore I don’t have one. If I had the energy I’d walk up the street to my neighbor’s house and borrow hers. I made a video a few minutes ago but there is no way in fucking hell I’m going to post it because I look awful. And why shouldn’t I? I feel awful. I am down 2.5 lbs for the day though, but it’s all water. As soon as I eat dinner and drink it’s going to come right back on.
I have decided that Operation KABOOM! has come to an end. This is total crap, folks. I am tired, cold, clammy, bloated, gassy, moody, irritable, jittery, but oddly, not hungry. I feel sorry for the people that shelled out $300 or more to buy the pills that SWSNBN is selling. Imagine how a majority of them feel or will feel after realizing they pissed away so much money on something so unhealthy that makes you feel shitty, and for what? To lose a few pounds so you can gain them right back? To get a personalized e-mail and medical advice from a total hack who just wants your money? What a fucking joke.
This experiment was my own idea and was modeled after a brand of “all-natural metabolism energy boosting supplements.” While I tried to conduct my experiment after their eating plan (as far as protein and no carbs), caffeine content, and laxative content as stated on their labels I concede that there is no way to mimic their plan 100% unless I buy their pills. Which I never will.