Dear Cleaver U. student:
It is with great excitement I announce that Ms. Jennifer Howe Sauls-McKinney (“MckMama” herself!) has signed on to teach several classes during the upcoming Summer semester. These classes award credit hours toward the Bachelors of Arts degree in Douchecanoe. If you are not a declared Douchecanoe major you must get the professor’s permission to enroll in the course. The course listing is as follows:
CREATIVE WRITING 101: Learn to write well you will, stated I. In this class we shall cover several creative writing techniques necessary for a professional douchecanoe. Breathlessly learn to write using dangling participles, split verb phrases. Sentence fragments. Long winded run-on sentences that are overly descriptive simultaneously.
Astoundingly awesome alliteration awaits all authors as an asshat announces all assignments.
THE ART OF CROSS COUNTRY RV TRAVEL: In this challenging course you will learn the fine art of cross country RV travel. Topics to be covered include: planning a 5 day roadtrip lasting two weeks, how to procure an RV, how to locate the “GO” button, how to park at hotels and restaurants, how to let people think you’re in a RV, and packing strategies. Travel will be in a 2005 Yukon; class space is limited. $1,000 activities fee required. Souvenir photo with one photoshopped body part available for $300.
NUTRITION AND HEALING 101: In this class students will learn the correlation between all-natural vitamin, mineral, trace element, and stimulant therapy as it applies to biophysical performance, core ignition and thermodynamics, and the disease process. Topics include the study of caffeine, laxatives, DMAA, guarana, kola nut, breastfeeding, migraine therapy, erradicating fleaves, curing cancer, curing constipation, curing anxiety, mood enhancement, and boosting of metabolism. Successful completion of this class with a “B” or better will award the student a M.D. degree (MckMama Doctor) allowing them to prescribe a supplement regimen for specific medical problems. *Note: Any reference to Operation KABOOM! by Dr. Snort will result in immediate explusion from Cleaver U.
MARKETING 101: In this dynamic and challenging class students will learn the comprehensive ins and outs of the multi-level-marketing scheme. Topics include: creating a downline, answering to your upline, on hand inventory, distributor recruitment, wholesale pricing, creation of “secret” groups to create envy among potential customers, commissions, and how you are paid based on total net overall partial point-based upline downline sales. Successful completion of this class with an “A” or creation of a 6 person downline and 1,250,000PV will award the student a FREE trip to the Cleaver U. Marketing Executive Convention in wonderful Paramus, NJ. Your FREE trip includes conference admission, breakfast daily, a t-shirt, coffee mug, drink koozie, and souvenir group photo. Airfare, hotel, lunch/dinner, and all applicable taxes are the responsibility of the student and are not included in the free trip.
BANKRUPTCY 101: This seminar for the financially fucked individual encompasses the entire bankruptcy process, from attorney selection to petitioning the judge to stop the bullies. The main focus of the course will cover hiding assets, transferring assets, lying about income, keeping a secret backdoor into your bank account, committing perjury, estimating the value of web domains, the “never titled/never owned” statutes, use of deals gals, paying an admin, and being disrespectful to a US Trustee.
NON-COOKING COOKING 101: In this class we will learn to prepare meals that do not require using the oven or microwave. We will learn to create 1,001 meals from the following ingredients: quinoa, bulghur wheat, tortillas, lentils, hairy goat milk, cilantro, garbonzo beans, peanut butter, flax seeds, honey, agave nectar, coconut, grapeseed oil, rapeseed oil, apeseed oil, finishing salt, starting salt, medjool dates, golden currants, canned tuna, eggs, butter, hummus, broccoli, peaches, ranch dressing, steel cut oats, rainbow pancakes, carrots, and dill. The student is responsible for providing his/her own knife set for hunking purposes.
FAMILY DYNAMICS: This class will focus on the many facets of familial interaction including: being happy, being sad, hating your husband, loving your husband, praying your husband home, telling the children and everyone else that my husband abandoned us, being a single mother, being the cool mother, putting the kids in school, taking the kids out of school, writing juvenille love poems by maiming song lyrics, staying close by moving 5 hours away, and cursing Satan in the name of Jesus. Individualized therapy with a licensed professional encouraged.
Payment by PayPal preferred (thetrusteedoesn’firstname.lastname@example.org) or payable by a bunch of cash and a check for the difference. Thank you for choosing Cleaver U. for all your sweet fancy rocket good educashun needs.
This is obviously a parody and a fine example of satire. Jennifer McKinney is not a college professor. Cleaver U. does not exist. If you take this seriously then you are an idiot.