Stupid folks give me the giggles. There is just no nice way to say that so I realize that I sound like a giant bitch right now. I do not define “stupid” based on intelligence or grades but on how much common sense one possesses. Everybody knows someone like this. In my lifetime I have met several.
A few days before my junior prom (waaaaaaaaaaaay back in 1995) my date got suspended for accidentally setting someones hair on fire in the chemistry lab. Seriously. I’m not making this up. I was devastated, but I still had to go to prom since I was a class officer. To cheer me up my mom gave me her checkbook and told me to go to the drugstore and buy new make-up for the occasion. In the drugstore, the makeup aisle is right next to the tampon/douche/condom aisle. I was contentedly looking at eyeshadow when I overheard a conversation on that aisle between two women, one of who was obviously pregnant.
“Oh my God. I am so huge. I swear I’m carrying twins. Look at me!”
“Well, why dontcha go to the doctor and get one of them ultrasound things and see if it’s twins?”
“Aw, my doctors out of town, and I don’t like his partner. I have an appointment next month for an ultrasound, but I swear I’m gonna pop cause I’m so big.”
“HEY!! Lookathis. These pregnancy tests are on sale 2 for $10. If you took two and they BOTH came out positive would that mean you’re having twins?”
Even though I was just 16 I found myself grateful that pregnancy tests don’t come in an economy pack because that idiot would’ve called Guinness convinced that she was carrying a litter.
One night in the ER I treated a 20-something year old woman who had a UTI. When I went in to discharge her I thoroughly went over the aftercare instructions:
“OK, the doctor has prescribed these antibiotics. Take them all, even if you are feeling better. There are things you can do to prevent future UTIs. Drink plenty of water, wear cotton underwear, don’t wear tight pants, wipe from front to back, and pee before and after sex. You should also pee after oral sex.”
“I hafta pee after I give my boyfriend a blow job?”
Another night in the ER I treated a 40-something year old woman who presented with colitis. The doctor gave me her discharge instructions and prescriptions, and I went in to talk to her.
“Are you sure I have colitis?”
“Yes ma’am the doctor is sure. Your CT scan showed thickening and inflammation of the colon. The antibiotics will help.”
“I just don’t understand how I could get colitis. I’ve never once done it up the butt!”
The dorms at my college were very nice 4 bedroom 2 bath apartments with a full living room and kitchen. My senior year I came home to find my freshman roommate in the kitchen cooking and cussing up a storm. I asked her what was wrong. She had had a craving for her mother’s chocolate cake so she called her mama and got the recipe. ” I added the eggs just like the recipe said and now I’m whisking everything until it’s smooth, but I can’t get these fucking egg shells to dissolve!”
Common sense is a beautiful thing indeed.