Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

Today’s post is brought to you by things that have irritated or baffled me lately. I’ve got a headache right now and don’t feel like posting pictures to illustrate my points; translation:  suck it up, put on your big girl panties, and just read the words.

I’ve been looking around online for casual summer dresses. I am plus-sized. So many retailers are selling animal print plus-size dresses. Are you fucking kidding me? I already work at dressing myself well enough so that I don’t resemble a hippo, and now you want me to dress like one? I could see myself at the mall scaring small children. “Help me, Mommy! The giant zebra is following me, and she looks hungry!” I’ll pass. Thanks anyway.

I was in a waiting room recently to meet with a dietitian, and the receptionist asked me to have a seat while I waited. The waiting room contained one giant vinyl sofa. Are you fucking kidding me? I love nothing more than plopping myself down on vinyl furniture and hearing “Fllllluuuuurrrrrpppp!” and then sinking down about a foot. It’s like my giant ass killed the couch. And when you get up the couch cushion magically re-inflates as if to say, “I’m ok, folks! False Alarm!”

A pizza restaurant has been advertising a special offer:  bread sticks, pan pizza, and cinnamon bread sticks all in one box for one price. Are you fucking kidding me? A bread appetizer, pizza with extra bread as the entree, and a bread dessert. Is there a new food pyramid I’m not aware of? Am I not meeting my RDA of bread?

Ask yourself this:  if you wanted to be an actor would you settle for doing embarrassing commercials for douches, feminine itch and odor products, Herpes medication, or erectile dysfunction medications? Are you fucking kidding me? I wouldn’t. I could just imagine myself being forever linked with that product. Even if I was nominated for an academy award. “Did you see Snort in that film “Life is Grand?”  “I saw the movie, but which actress was Snort?”  “You remember the chick from the douche commercials who also did the PSA spots for genital warts?”  “Oh, her. Gotcha.”

Tuesday I ate Takis. I don’t know if Takis are available nationwide as they are a Mexican brand of chips, but here in Southern Arizona, less than 100 miles from the border, they are everywhere. They are like rolled up tortilla chips that are spicy hot. They were awesome and very hot. Last night I had to go to the bathroom, and it was awful. I honestly thought I was shooting flames out of my butt. At one point I was about in tears and was clutching the toilet begging for mercy. Are you fucking kidding me? A chip did this? Don’t the Taki people test their chips in a focus group? Do Mexicans have flame retardant asses? I honestly would have been more comfortable having a habanero suppository. I shit you not. No pun intended. If you eat Takis I recommend plopping your ass down into a giant cooler of ice after you use the bathroom.

Vagisil has lots of commercials touting their feminine itch and odor products, like cleansers, wipes, etc. At the end the commercial the narrator says, “Hail to the V!” Hail to the V? Are you fucking kidding me? We’re supposed to bow down and hail the almighty lady business? Don’t get me wrong; I’m down for taking care of your lady business, but I see no reason to worship it. Why don’t bra commercials shout, “Hail to the B!” Why doesn’t Viagra shout, “Hail to the P!”

Why are medical TV shows and medical scenes in movies so bad? Are you fucking kidding me? Surely the director or screenwriter must realize that every health professional in America worth their salt is watching this shit and calling shenanigans. I remember early episodes of ER where the doctors wore $5 stethoscopes and put them in their ears backwards. On TV shows they defibrillate people through their shirts yet no one catches on fire. IV pumps are not turned on or are blinking because they are in “hold” mode. The TV show House is the worst offender of them all. Don’t even get me started.

A friend of mine from high school, Amy, now works at the high school. Yesterday on FB she posted pictures of the seniors having graduation practice on the football field. Instantly I was transported back to a hot day in May 1996 when it was my turn to practice. Are you fucking kidding me? How on earth has it been 16 years since I have graduated high school? Seriously, it feels like 5 or 6 years at best, yet I have graduated from college, been married twice, bore two children, been to rehab, been through a bankruptcy, traveled the country, and a host of other things.

Last night someone who reads Jennifer McKinney’s blog questioned her about lies, and she, in her typical smart-ass, holier-than-thou fashion said, “What do you mean, XX? Can you give me an example of when I haven’t been honest? Thanks.” Are you fucking kidding me? There are black and white court documents where you lied about your income and assets. There is a recording of your creditors meeting where you repeatedly lied under oath about a menagerie of things. I’m tempted to try some Looney Toons reverse psychology on her. She keeps telling us she’s honest, and I want to go up to her and say, “You keep telling the truth” in hopes that she’ll get confused and say, “No I don’t. Give me an example where I’ve told the truth.”  That would be sweet.

I think I’m done now.

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25 thoughts on “Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

  1. Love it!But don't be mean to my man, Dr. House. One more episode and it's off the air forever… in a couple of weeks you can tear a strip off it. Hugh Laurie is probably the ugliest person I'd cook dinner for (if you know what I mean) and considering that list also includes Matt Bomer and Kristin Chenowith, you can see how impressive that is. (And he JUGGLES!!!???!!! – and plays the piano!!!)Jennifer McKinney is a tool. Everytime I hear her voice in my head saying, "Yes, I would have a problem with that because you don't own them", I want to squeeze a stuffed animal until its eyes pop out. Promise me she's getting what comes to her????J.

  2. Good for you for questioning her, and yes, you are probably banned. I don't know if you saw it last night, but this was my comment on MWOP regarding her smart ass response:Sure MckMama! I can give you many:You paid all your back taxes, but the IRS just didn't update their information.You didn't foreclose on your house.You owned your Becker mckmansion and didn't have a CFDYou bought the farmYou had bedbugsYour 341 meeting went wellYou took an RV tripYou didn't start your deals page until right before ChristmasAmazon hasn't even paid you yet because it's still theoreticalYou've lost 60 poundsYou pay your billsYou really didn't sell anything at your yard saleYou only made $55,000 last yearYour rent is $1500You were force fed Oreos for dinner when you were 4You don't own a TVXyng is ok to take while breastfeedingSo many people stopped taking their migraine meds because of XyngIsrael all of a sudden abandoned you and the kidsYou didn't know PayPal was a type of bank accountYour attorney thought it was a good idea for BMM to send her manifesto to the BK judgeYou only have 2 camerasYou only have 2 lensesYou went twisting, tumbling, turning into the ditch and had internal bleedingYou don't plan on staying in any more hotelsYou have perfect teethYou were able to keep your precious liquid gold on ice in a small African villageAirport vendors and stewardesses kept your gold on ice as wellYou are always honestYou've never had any illegal lotteries or giveaways on your blog or FBXyng isn't a pyramid schemeWas that enough??

  3. Jennifer is a tool, no doubt about it. She is a true narcissist in every sense of the word. I watched the first season of House, but it just got so predictable. And the scenarios and the testing is just bogus. Sorry. I won't be too mean because you asked me to.

  4. You are so sweet! I agree it's predictable and bogus but HUGH LAURIE! The man wrote a freakin' book in his spare time. And it didn't suck!Ok, moving on… You made me hungry for pizza. And I have none.J.

  5. i just bought the dress below online a few weeks ago and I adore it! What makes it different from all the other maxi dresses out right now is that it has sleeves, therefor covering up the armpit/bra strap fat. i either put it on with flip flops and a cami for running errands or nicer sandals and jewelry to dress it up a bit. (I totally just sounded like a commercial Anywho, it is really comfy and flattering for us curvy gals. (not to be confused with deals gals)http://www.target.com/p/Mossimo-Womens-Kimono-Sleeve-Maxi-Dress-Assorted-Colors/-/A-13890413#?lnk=sc_qi_detaillink

  6. Seriously? Matt Bomer, ugly?! Have you ever SEEN HIM?! Gah! He is a beautiful man!! (kidding, totally. I know good looks are in the eye of the beholder but oh I think he so good lookin'!) (: That was directed to Anon J. btw. ~WUWD

  7. I loved these. They made me laugh and I agree with all of them. Well, except the fire ass chips. I've never seen nor had those. Sounds like they are interesting to say the least. 😉 This reminded me of that old Family Guy episode… You know, back when it was funny, before Sunday night on Fox became Seth McFarlane tries despirately to recapture the funny night? Peter does this bit called "what grinds my gears" or something like that. It was ages ago but hilarious. Now Sunday nights are the Family Cleveland American Guy show and I don't think any of those are funny. Wow that got off topic. Anyway, sometimes my mind wanders so sorry about that.But you crack me up, anyways. ~WUWD

  8. I'm flattered! Thank you so much! Is there something I can do for you in return? Do you need me to write a manifesto in your favor and send it to someone? *wink*

  9. Hahaha! Ok, I have to ask. Did the whole thing about actors in embarrassing commercials come from watching "Hot in Cleveland" last night? *ROFL* Ladypants! I swear that show is pure comedy genius!And yeah…I gotta second what anonymous said up there, too. *LOL* Don't be hatin' on "House"! 😉 I'm sure you're right & they get all kinds of things wrong, but still…Gonna miss that show! I think my summer TV will probably consist of watching the old episodes on DVD, probably borrowed from my brother, since I didn't get into it until the last couple of seasons or so.

  10. I don't think I've ever seen "Hot in Cleveland" LilBit. It came from a conversation me and J had while watching TV; there was a commercial for the Trojan vibrators and the people had their hair blown back; J was like, "How awkward would that be for people to identify you as the dude in the vibrator commercial?" I agreed and said I'd be embarassed to be associated with yeast infection creams, vaginal odor products, and the like. As for summer TV I CANNOT WAIT for the Olympics!

  11. Somebody above posted a link for a Target dress, so I checked their stuff out. I also looked at Old Navy.com today because they have plus sizes online but usually not in the stores. In the last week or so I had gotten catalogs in the mail for The Woman Within, Dress Barn, Roamans, Catherines, and Lane Bryant (apparently I'm on alot alot of mailing lists)and half the dresses were ugly and other half I swear were animal print.

  12. In Hungary there is a saying that a good pickled pepper burns you twice.I always wondered about the medical shows, and noticed the IV pumps… I think they just can't pump everyone full of liquids three times over by the time they manage to shoot a scene.

  13. Nah, they love you! We get a lot of laughs from your site. I read them bits when you have new post. Mom is dying about today's where you talk about your husband peeing on the table.

  14. I can't afford to shop at Macy's or Lane Bryant which leaves me with Kohl's, JC Penney, Target and Kmart. I am fat, I'm not old! When will clothing designers l;earn that big girls want to be cute, too!?!?!

  15. I know! The best I have found thus far is Old Navy.com They don't have plus sizes in the stores, but they do online. I bought some non-threatening dresses there.

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