The Paula Deen Healthy Cookbook

I am reposting this and give full credit to the author, Megan Amram.

Paula Deen’s Health Food Cookbook

Recently, Paula Deen has admitted that she’s had Type II Diabetes for years. Accordingly, she’s putting out a cookbook of healthy food. Here are some excerpts!
FRUIT SALAD
INGREDIENTS:
1 lb. bag of Skittles
3 cups ranch dressing
DIRECTIONS:
Mix well. Serve room temperature.
PAULA’S BROWN RICE
INGREDIENTS:
1 pilaf white rice
1 bowl melted Junior Mints
DIRECTIONS:
Cover rice in chocolate. Serve with maple syrup to taste. To splurge, top with a sprinkle of sausage calzones.
SCRAMBLED EGG WHITES
INGREDIENTS:
1 dozen (12) Cadbury eggs
2 lbs. Frito crumbs
1 package extra-fat pork lard
1 pilaf Paula’s brown rice
DIRECTIONS:
Break the Cadbury eggs and harvest the crème-filled white centers. Dip them in the Frito crumbs. Put the lard (make SURE to get the extra-fat kind or it will be BLAND) in a frying pan on high heat, and fry the crème centers until golden-brown. Serve on a bed of Paula’s brown rice.
PAULA’S GARDEN BURGER
INGREDIENTS:
3 bags Olive Garden® Endless Breadsticks
12 Olive Garden® Stuffed Mushrooms
1 plate Olive Garden® New! Baked Pasta Romana with Chicken
4 Olive Garden® Black Tie Mousse Cakes
1 slice American cheese (optional)
DIRECTIONS:
Smash all of the Olive Garden® foods together until they resemble a large patty and top with cheese. For lowest calories, hold the cheese.
PAULA’S GUILT-FREE FAT-FREE® SMOOTHIE
INGREDIENTS:
34 lbs. sugar
DIRECTIONS:
Put sugar in smoothie glass and drink with straw, serve chilled in white wine tumblers or, for special occasions, lap from trough. This delicacy is guilt-free since you can make a conscious choice not to feel guilty about anything you put in your body like Paula does!
BUFFET AND A BURGER
INGREDIENTS:
1 burger
1 Las Vegas buffet
Christmas-themed elastic pants (optional)
DIRECTIONS:
Go to Las Vegas buffet. Make sure the buffet has burgers, or provide your own. Do NOT walk around the buffet. Get a motorized scooter, or stay in one spot and use a jaws of life to pick some of each buffet food out of the tubs and put it on your burger. Elastic pants are nice because your gupa (gunt-fupa) stays nicely inside the stretchy pants except for a few folds of fat with stretch marks that seep out of the pants.
PAULA’S GUILT-FREE® PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLIES
INGREDIENTS:
1 peanut
18 sticks of butter, mashed
1 pair Jellies shoes
DIRECTIONS:
Cover the shoes with butter and top with the peanut, and then eat the shoes. If you eat shoes it’s like you’re exercising so it’s VERY healthy.
PAULA’S GUILT-FREE® PIZZA PANTS
INGREDIENTS:
10’x20’ swath of pizza
Another pizza to use as pepperonis on the pizza
Stuffed mushrooms
FYI the mushrooms are stuffed with smaller pizzas
Smuckers magic shell ice cream topping
Rolos
Coca-cola
3 bags gummy bears
Fondue
Caesar salad dressing
Wood chips (as a thickener)
Grenadine syrup
Butter-flour mixture
Pizza Pockets
1 sewing machine
1 sewing pattern for pants (size XXXL)
DIRECTIONS:
Mushrooms are a vegetable and there are definitely some mushrooms on that pizza so technically they are HEALTHY-style pizza pants. Take the really big pizza. Put all of the other ingredients on the pizza. Pour the coke on the pizza. Dip the pizza in the fondue, and resist eating it before you make it into pants, no cheating!!! Sew that pizza into pants using the machine and the pattern. Make sure to sew in some pockets so you can keep a few extra spare Pizza Pockets in your pizza pockets!!!! Then eat your pants!!!!!!!!!!!
PAULA’S GUILT-FREE® TURTURTURDUCKDUCKENDUCKEN
INGREDIENTS:
3 turduckens
DIRECTIONS:
Stuff a turducken in a turducken in a turducken. While you’re waiting for it to cook, make your fat niece make you some pizza pants while you’re watching Pawn Stars and eat your pants and then slap your niece.
INSULIN AU GRATIN
INGREDIENTS:
1 insulin shot
15 lbs. block of cheddar cheese
DIRECTIONS:
Bury insulin shot in cheese. When you’re going into a diabetic coma, just eat your way to the shot!! Eat the cheese fast or you’ll die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SPARKLING WATER
INGREDIENTS:
1 glass sparkling water
1 ham
DIRECTIONS:
Put ham in water.

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11 thoughts on “The Paula Deen Healthy Cookbook

  1. I remember reading this before. I love the TURTURTURDUCKDUCKENDUCKEN recipe. Of course, I've long had a desire to have some regular turducken, so perhaps that's why this cracks me up so much.

  2. I now need a nebulizer treatment. OMG, seriously where did this come from? I like the buffet the best. I don't have any Christmas elastic pants. I have ones with pineapples on them? Maybe they would be better suited for a luau though?

  3. It was written by someone named Megan Anram who has her own blog; it has been reposted thousands of times and rightfully so because it is fucking hysterical! I like how the buffet recipe calls for you to ride a scooter around the buffet! LOL LOL

  4. I know, right?!? When someone sent me this I laughed so hard I woke the baby. Wish I could take credit for it, but like I pointed out it's all Megan Amram.

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