Good morning, buenos días, bonjour, guten Morgen, доброе утро, god morgon, 早安, or however you say it in your neck of the woods! Today I thought I’d make you better acquainted with the [SNORT] family, but I’m going to do so in the writing style of someone who thinks she is a great writer but really isn’t. (Ahem) Therefore, I present a day in the life of my family:
6:20 am: As the sounds of my sleeping babe change from ever so soft breathing to babbling to crying out for liquid sustenance to fortify his soul I am awakened presently. J gets up at this time and makes a a baby friendly receptacle of formula for P. Cradle him he does and P lustily imbibes his milk.
6:40 am: J, wearing the original suit that God gave him 32 year ago, begins his morning grooming in preparations to leave his wife and children. Again. Be strong, Snort, I tell myself. It’s in God’s hands.
8:00 am: P has awakened from his brief slumber in his bassinet. Smiles and coos sweetly at me as I walk past to make coffee and urinate.
8:30: My blond haired firstborn son ambles into the living room sleepily and staggering to begin his day in his cartoon-print underwear. I offer him a breakfast of steel cut oats, flax, and assorted nut butters but he looks at me funny. Wants a Pop Tart. OK, replied I.
9:30: The automated dish cleaning unit is softly whirring as I begin to transform my kitchen counter tops from befouled to spotless using a pre-bottled cleansing solution similar to 409 but not 409 but remarkably close to 409 so I’ll call it 408. I also cleanse the stove and microwave wishing both were orange or teal and not black.
10:00: As Gox plays in his room entertaining himself alone well, I gather Pox into my arms to give him a bottle of synthetic milk. Grunts lustily he does because he is so hungry! I then change his didy because I detect the odor of a bowel movement wafting from his $99 Mini Boden onesie. I cleanse his cracks, crevices, and baby genitals as he has also urinated. I am so blessed to have two perfect children to enjoy even though we have been abandoned. I love every minute of being their Mama. I tell G he can watch TV and I put P down to slumber as I decide to reward myself with computer time.
10:30: As I have satisfactorily caught up with my MWOP gals I proceed to read the news. Need more coffee.
11:00: Running to me with the loud slap! slap! foot sounds on the tile floor, G breathlessly asks me to come and view his Lego castle. It was amazing. Nothing short of. If I did cuss, which I don’t, I would decree it a fucking work of art.
12:00: I provide G with assorted tidbits for lunch. I myself have decided on coffee and some of Paula Deen’s Pizza Pants (see below).
12:30: As I am on the computer reading my
Bible MWOP again I hear the sounds of P awakening to my ears. I speak to him using grown-up words. He cries.
1:30: P having been fantastically fed and freshened flops to the floor to play as I frantically fan my face feeling quite certainly hot.
2:30: My heart soars and my entrails clench with nervousness as I hear my telephone trill loudly; it is J. He assures me that he will return home by 7:00 pm. I am so happy that I instantly tell him I will have a celebratory meal prepared and waiting. I love him so much that I get melty when he kisses me.
3:30: I pack the children up and a journey to the grocery store was ours. A sweet, older soul complimented me on my handsome babes, thank you I told her. Nice lady. We are all still in one piece and head home.
4:30: I offer P yet another serving of milk, and he sleepily smiles then slumbers. G is watching Phineas and Ferb on the media viewing screen.
5:30: I head into the kitchen to begin my meal preparations.
7:00: I await eagerly the return of my love, J. Wait. Car sounds. My lungs filled with air to the bursting point release a giant sigh as I hear the key in the lock. He is home and welling with emotion I embrace him. He kisses me then tells me he has decided to leave me again in the morning but earlier as there is a meeting that he must go to said his boss.
9:00: My children are tucked into their respective beds as I place kisses upon their brow. Beautiful, soft, sweet kisses. My children buoy me. My husband and me have at last begun quality time together; he on his phone and I on my computer.