A Day In The Life Of Snort & Family

Good morning, buenos días, bonjour, guten Morgen, доброе утро, god morgon, 早安, or however you say it in your neck of the woods! Today I thought I’d make you better acquainted with the [SNORT] family, but I’m going to do so in the writing style of someone who thinks she is a great writer but really isn’t. (Ahem) Therefore, I present a day in the life of my family:

6:20 am:  As the sounds of my sleeping babe change from ever so soft breathing to babbling to crying out for liquid sustenance to fortify his soul I am awakened presently. J gets up at this time and makes a a baby friendly receptacle of formula for P. Cradle him he does and P lustily imbibes his milk.

6:40 am:  J, wearing the original suit that God gave him 32 year ago, begins his morning grooming in preparations to leave his wife and children. Again. Be strong, Snort, I tell myself. It’s in God’s hands.

8:00 am:  P has awakened from his brief slumber in his bassinet. Smiles and coos sweetly at me as I walk past to make coffee and urinate.

8:30:  My blond haired firstborn son ambles into the living room sleepily and staggering to begin his day in his cartoon-print underwear. I offer him a breakfast of steel cut oats, flax, and assorted nut butters but he looks at me funny. Wants a Pop Tart. OK, replied I.

9:30:  The automated dish cleaning unit is softly whirring as I begin to transform my kitchen counter tops from befouled to spotless using a pre-bottled cleansing solution similar to 409 but not 409 but remarkably close to 409 so I’ll call it 408. I also cleanse the stove and microwave wishing both were orange or teal and not black.

10:00:  As Gox plays in his room entertaining himself alone well, I gather Pox into my arms to give him a bottle of synthetic milk. Grunts lustily he does because he is so hungry! I then change his didy because I detect the odor of a bowel movement wafting from his $99 Mini Boden onesie. I cleanse his cracks, crevices, and baby genitals as he has also urinated. I am so blessed to have two perfect children to enjoy even though we have been abandoned. I love every minute of being their Mama. I tell G he can watch TV and I put P down to slumber as I decide to reward myself with computer time.

10:30:  As I have satisfactorily caught up with my MWOP gals I proceed to read the news. Need more coffee.

11:00: Running to me with the loud slap! slap! foot sounds on the tile floor, G breathlessly asks me to come and view his Lego castle. It was amazing. Nothing short of. If I did cuss, which I don’t, I would decree it a fucking work of art.

12:00:  I provide G with assorted tidbits for lunch. I myself have decided on coffee and some of Paula Deen’s Pizza Pants (see below).

12:30:  As I am on the computer reading my Bible MWOP again I hear the sounds of P awakening to my ears. I speak to him using grown-up words. He cries.

1:30:  P having been fantastically fed and freshened flops to the floor to play as I frantically fan my face feeling quite certainly hot.

2:30:  My heart soars and my entrails clench with nervousness as I hear my telephone trill loudly; it is J. He assures me that he will return home by 7:00 pm. I am so happy that I instantly tell him I will have a celebratory meal prepared and waiting. I love him so much that I get melty when he kisses me.

3:30:  I pack the children up and a journey to the grocery store was ours. A sweet, older soul complimented me on my handsome babes, thank you I told her. Nice lady. We are all still in one piece and head home.

4:30:  I offer P yet another serving of milk, and he sleepily smiles then slumbers. G is watching Phineas and Ferb on the media viewing screen.

5:30:  I head into the kitchen to begin my meal preparations.

7:00:  I await eagerly the return of my love, J. Wait. Car sounds. My lungs filled with air to the bursting point release a giant sigh as I hear the key in the lock. He is home and welling with emotion I embrace him. He kisses me then tells me he has decided to leave me again in the morning but earlier as there is a meeting that he must go to said his boss.

9:00:  My children are tucked into their respective beds as I place kisses upon their brow. Beautiful, soft, sweet kisses. My children buoy me. My husband and me have at last begun quality time together; he on his phone and I on my computer.

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42 thoughts on “A Day In The Life Of Snort & Family

  1. OMG! I think I peed myself, ahem, I mean urinated myself reading this.And you don't want to know how I say good morning…at least how I say it if it is before I have had coffee.FB friends? Tell me how, replied I! 🙂

  2. I don't mean to question your daily life, but I noticed that neither child had been taught a lick of German the whole day? I saw no mention of chick peas, yogurt or coconut oil. There was a lack of communication between you and electronic media as well. No mention of any bodily functions on the furniture or descriptions of waxing? I know we all can't do it all everyday, but it appears that you may have your priorities placed on the family a bit too much. I find your blog lacking a lot of ME, ME, ME. Do you think that the two snortlets will be perhaps homeschooling this summer to catch up?Thanks in advance. I realize that you may or may not tell us the real story, since leaving your fans hanging would produce a much more clickable future.

  3. Those would be some rich pools of blessing, you have…along an apparent hard, dry, barren road, thinks I. And, would that be melty like a pile of coconut oil..? 'cause I've heard that's really, really melty.

  4. The people at work think I'm crazy when I laugh out loud. You are hilarious. I don't have the tenacity to be that creative. Why aren't you calling them six inch and foot long? I thought that was absolutely hilarious.

  5. You need to include a warning of some sort that warns people not to eat while reading this site. I nearly sprayed my laptop with beans and spinach, said I.

  6. I'm sure at 9:30 that you mixed up that 408 yourself, out of hairy goat milk, fruits of the citrus tree, hummus, and liquid gold, yes? I would never use a store-bought cleaner except when I do, replied I.LovingthoseTeeth

  7. I feel proud that I made you urinate on yourself! LOLAs for being FB friends, we totally can, but I'll need your name. I have myself hidden so that some people can't find me. If you're not comfortable putting it out there it's cool. And before I have coffee everybody in the house gets a great big snarl.

  8. I'm sorry you misunderstood, Mom. In our household we learn Mandarin Chinese, and G is currently translating the collective works of Danielle Steel into Chinese. He's brilliant. I neglected to feed the kids garbonzos, yogurt, or coconut oil today; all I had in the house were microwaveable pork rinds, a bag of spring mix salad, salmon, and butter flavor Crisco; the kids ate heartily. I totally neglected my hygiene today; I have not wiped, brushed, shaved, or washed anything on my person. I will, however, update you at length tomorrow about my shower and toileting. I know that my blog is lacking alot alot of me, me, me, but I figure I need to lure in the readers first before I have major crisis. I do anticipate a crisis soon; I've been jotting down ideas in my Blackberry while P is covered in Swiffer cloths and scooching around on the kitchen floor. Hope that helps! 🙂

  9. I'm laughing thinking about you getting odd stares at work. LOL!!!!! Sorry 'bout that. I forgot to call them by their sandwich names today; I will do that in my next creatively written post.

  10. Duly noted. And from which end were you going to spray the beans and spinach out? I'm just asking because I'm down with all bodily fuctions.

  11. oh em ghee [SNORT] you cracketh me uppeth!seriously though, if i knew your true identity, i would hold you hostage until you agreed to be my bee eff eff.

  12. But, harketh I, doth I make you lie down in green pastures? I'm honored you'd want to be my bee eff eff. I don't have many friends where I live; they've all moved away, and I'm having to start from scratch.

  13. So funny. I cracked up. That is all. ~WUWDPS~ if you lived in CO we could be friends. The AZ folk don't know the hilarity they are missing out on not being friends with you yet.

  14. I read several blogs and I would totally give them all up just to read yours! We have moved across the country from friends and family and the past few days spent reading here have brought back some joy. This is definitely a "money maker"-or maybe you should write a book! Anyone who can call HER out on her crap, share some of her own life in a hysterical way (and not be afraid to cuss-cause in real life some of us do) is alright in my book…you rock!

  15. Aw, Laura, thank you so much for your kind words! I know moving away from friends and family is so hard. Where are you now? I am glad my bullshit has given you some joy 🙂 As for writing a book or making money off this thing: I wouldn't know where to begin!

  16. Please, I beg you emphatically, please put ads on your blog. You NEED to make money off of this. With all the clicks from ex-goat followers and from all the p*rn people that are going to click here today with all the key words you placed so eloquently, you would make tons of green spendable paper. You could put all the excess in a paypal account because you don't pay taxes on it since it is just a window to spendable cash and not an account. Then if you make so much that you don't know what to do with it, you could host mini boden giveaways. Or give away camera lenses. Or give away Alive! vitamins that I am HOOKED on because of ShellieB! But I hope you spend the first few hundred on mini Boden for your CSM (cute small children). I want pictures of them in mini boden STAT!

  17. Snork I love your blog! I hardly ever laugh out loud in real life, and I died laughing at your post about the lotto tickets. 🙂 Question? anyone else having problems loading MWOP?

  18. LOL LOL!!! Some extra green spendable paper would be good! And I would choose to do without mini boden to bling G and P out like Kanye West. That's just how I roll.

  19. I love that you love my blog and that I made you laugh. I have been throttled a few times this morning trying to get on MWOP. It's not just you.

  20. Well, WUWD, me and SomeoneBringMeANewKidneyStat are having a playdate soon, and coffeedrunk and I were going to meet for lunch but it fell through. One day I will meet some AZ MWOPers.

  21. Oh, SNORT, you make my day!!!! Can you please enlighten us to your great parenting techniques? I also will provide you with spendable green paper and maybe some borrowed currency from a third-party lender. Oh teach me great one. But you did not indicate where in your day your dress in your gorilla feet and move your muscles in such a way that you begin to run? ~LaLaLaIamNotListening

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