My Photography Portfolio

Fucking hell, y’all (I’m from Georgia therefore I can say y’all and not sound like an idiot), I cannot believe how many page views I’ve had in the last two days. Seriously! Thank you! I didn’t know I had this many people reading; I’m so humbled (and surprised). I genuinely appreciate your taking the time to read, and I love reading comments! I make an honest effort to respond to every comment; I feel like it’s the absolute least I can do if you’re going to waste 5 minutes of your day here.

I recently talked with G about racism because he asked about a black girl in his class. I explained how everyone in the world is equal no matter what color their skin is. He saw me playing around on the computer last night trying out the different symbols you can create by pressing “alt” and then a number on the keypad on the right side of the keyboard. “alt” 1 = ☺.  “alt” 2 = ☻. G was so excited to see that smiley that he squealed, “Look, Mama! Smileys are equal too!” Too cute  ♥  (alt 3)

If you have read through my previous posts you should know that I am a former nurse turned SAHM who in the past has battled crippling depression and substance abuse. What you may not know, however, is that I am also a professional photographer. I just finished up a shit-ton of photo shoots; take a peek:

Maternity Portrait at 23 weeks.

Sweet Baby P!

 

Holiday Photo Shoot 

Hospital photo shoot of big brother meeting little brother.
Lunch.
Groundbreaking intrauterine photo shoot. Extra fee required.
Two brothers and their beautiful blue eyes!
I’m booking now for photo shoots! I will be happy to come to you provided you charter a plane for me, provide accommodations in a 5-star hotel or resort, pay for all meals, and pay me lots of compliments. I am available to shoot weddings, kids, birthday parties, families, etc. 
  • 15 minutes:   $3999.99  (includes 2 photos on a CD)
  • 30 minutes:  $5999.99 (includes complimentary editing and 4 photos on a CD)
  • 45 minutes:  $7999.99 (BEST VALUE! I will call you by name, put my phone down, and provide 12 edited images on a CD)
Extra charges may apply for me squatting or having to move around, inclement weather, your kid is being a brat, I have heartburn, we have to stop so someone can pee, rush orders (6 week turnaround time), or I don’t feel loved enough by you.  Payment is due in cash (preferably unmarked, non-sequential large bills).




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43 thoughts on “My Photography Portfolio

  1. I don't look at reading here as a waste of time. If I didn't laugh during the day, someone might get hurt. Therefore you are performing a public service by making sure no co-worker of mine gets injured. Thank you. Where can I send some expired Target gift cards?

  2. I am very interested but do you have a "hidden" paypal account we could funnel your fees into instead? I hear that's how some people do it these days. I didn't see it mentioned but I would get the pleasure of babysitting your children while you photograph mine right?BTW, I have long struggled with bipolar depression and I totally get how depression can control and destroy your life. Congrats on surviving!

  3. Ask you I must, from wherest did you purchase your breathtaking Christmas balls (giggle giggle)? You must be kidding when you say that you are not a professional photographer!! You have a photographical device, says I, therefore instantly making you a photographer! Look at your photoshop skills- someone doesn't learn how to do that overnight! Thanks for the laugh today, and have a great weekend

  4. Sorry I misunderstood, yes you ARE a professional photographer- I thought you were slighting your abilities! I keep scrolling back up to the sweet babe with the rocking stache and 50's hairdo and I am crackin' up. too stinkin cute and too funny!

  5. It's not a traditional paypal account per se because even the hidden ones are traceable. On the day of the photo shoot I will be assisted by a dude named Pal. Before I take your photos you can pay Pal. I was expecting you to offer to babysit my wee ones before I had to resort to hinting; thank you. Depression sucks, doesn't it? Congrats on you surviving as well 🙂

  6. The Christmas balls are family heirlooms that have been passed down from generation to generation. You're welcome for the laugh! I look forward to doing a photo shoot for you.

  7. I don't know who you are or what kind of stress you're dealing with, but I'll put you in my daily thoughts (as I am not religious). I am glad I was able to make you laugh.

  8. Oh my goodness. You are the bestest picture taker ever. Your prices are so reasonable. and you offer such a wide variety of package options. However, in going thru your detailed price list I failed to see prices for your WLS package. I'm interested in a "before" and "after" set of pictures. I would love for you to document this journey for us. Could you rush this information to me? I'm know it won't be a problem since the "before" pictures we are looking for was us 4 months ago. I'm sure a photographer as talented as you must have a super duper way of getting "before" pics for us by using pics of us today. Please, Please get up with me today. All my friends will be so envious, I'm sure they will want pictures too.

  9. Found this and thought you'd like to share it on your favorite snark site. I don't comment there; just read. Twelve Ways on "How to Raise a Crook"1. Begin from infancy to give the child everything he wants. This way he will grow up to believe that the world owes him a living.2. When he picks up bad words, laugh at him. It will encourage him to pick up more "cool" phrases that will blow the top off your head later.3. Never give him any spiritual training. Wait until he is twenty-one and then let him decide for himself.4. Avoid the use of the word "wrong." It may develop a guilt complex. This will condition him to believe later when he is arrested for stealing a car that society is against him and he is being persecuted.5. Pick up anything he leaves lying around–books, shoes, clothing. Do everything for him so he will be experienced in throwing the responsibility onto others.6. Let him read any printed matter [or go to any web page, or watch any sex and violence TV program or any R-rated film] he can get his hands on. Be careful the silverware and drinking glasses are sterilized, but let his mind feed on garbage. 7. Quarrel frequently in the presence of the children. Then they won't be too shocked when the home is broken up.8. Give the child all the spending money he wants. Never let him earn his own. Why should he have things as tough as you had them?9. Satisfy his every craving for food, drink, and comfort. See that every desire is gratified. Denial may lead to harmful frustrations.10. Take his part against the neighbors, teachers, and policemen. They are all prejudiced against your child.11. When he gets into real trouble, apologize for yourselves by saying, "I never could do anything with him."12. Prepare for a life of grief–you will have it. 2009, Butterfly Productions

  10. You must help me explain to my doctor why I lose all bladder control when reading thesnortfiles.He thinks I should be able to handle myself better. If I laugh out loud, I pee. If I hold my breath whilst trying not to laugh out loud, as soon as I release the unwanted carbon dioxide, I pee. Your blog seriously has me swimming in my own urine! Thanks for the laughs!!Painfully Bizarre

  11. I have never seen such amazing photographs!! The picture where the older child's face is only half showing & the top of the babies head–holy crap, I have never seen such artistic abilities captured before. You, Snort, are AMAZING and a true inspiration. Thank you so much for sharing!!Thanks for the laughs!!! Yes, I have the need to use way to many "!!!!". Whatever, it's that or a lot of NSS :).

  12. Oh, Snort, please come to NC! I really need some new family photos. A basement and a couple of closets, have I, and you and your genetically superior children can stay here!

  13. None of my kids want their picture taken together. It there a way you could take individual pics of the brats and then schmooze them together to make one kick ass family photo? I have been dying to put their picture on an old tin can I found. Those tin photos are hot these days you know. Also, I do wonder whilst you will be making photo magic will your offspring be running around getting into trouble or will they be holding your lighting equipment? Are the brilliant blue eyes extra? What about your lunch? Do I have to make you my specialty? Chick peas in four-month old slimy dill dip? I use a ton of cilantro and coconut water to loosen it all up. So it goes down smooth. 🙂 I sent you an email but I forgot the DOT com and am hoping that maybe the internet fairies will still make sure you get it. I didn't have change for the $1,000,000.00 bill I got from my Dad for Christmas so I was hoping we could possibly make some sort of arrangement to pay with a bunch of cash?

  14. I can do a custom WLS surgery package for 9999.99. You don't even need the surgery as I will gladly photoshop your before pictures to simulate weight loss.

  15. Thank you!!!!!! And I love !!!!!! as well! Yes, Mom, that is the rule of thirds: only 1/3 of a person is necessary to make an artistic photo.

  16. Sounds good; I will add NC to my list. We don't need a basement or closet. P sleeps in the oven, and G sleeps in the bathrub. I, of course, will be in the hotel.

  17. Mom, a bunch of cash will be just fine. I will also require a babysitter for the kids; they don't do the lighting during photo shoots because I prefer natural lighting. Your lunch specialty sounds wonderfulo, but I would like the beans grilled please.

  18. LOL! Today I wish I had a desk and a job 'cause Footlong and 6-inch are driving Mama crazy. I'm glad I made you laugh. And you don't have to use TFF; you can say "fuck" on here and I won't care :p

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