For LaLaLa, as promised ♥
I have mentioned on here that I have two kids, both boys. G is 6 and P is nearly 10 months. For blogging purposes I will refer to them as Footlong (G) and Six-inch (P). These names in no way refer to any parts of their body; I just liked them better than “Wendy’s Value Chili” and “Biggie Fries.”
So many people stop me on MWOP and in real life, and they all want to know one thing: why I am such a fucking awesome parent. Parenting is hard work, yo. Organization is key. Delegating tasks is a must. Tons of love, compassion, and encouragement are required, but so are oral and written annual performance examinations before the child can move up a year in age. Because I would like to stroll through TJ Maxx and not get mobbed I’ll share my mad parenting skills with y’all. Buckle up, bitches. Parenting class starts……………now.
The first rule of parenting is to STAY ORGANIZED and KEEP THE HOUSE CLEAN. Each child has a list of daily chores specific to their age and skill set. We have an alpha numerical chart from Hammacher Schlemmer that said child must initial each day. These are their chores:
- Make bed
- Wash face, brush teeth
- Make coffee
- Wash dishes
- Grocery shopping
- Get oil change
- Work as needed as Mommy’s admin
- Wear 6-inch in the Baby Bjorn while Mommy is busy
- Cook dinner which will include a salad, soup, entree, starch, 2 vegetables, bread, tea, and dessert.
- Brush tooth
- Change diaper
- Wrap self in wet towel and scooch around on tile floors
- Clean baseboards
- Fold laundry
- Update family closet
Secondly, you must SET BOUNDARIES to be a successful parent. There needs to be a clear line about what the child can and cannot do. I find it works best to offer a choice of alternatives when you deny something. For instance, Footlong asked me last night if I would make him a hot dinner because he was hungry. I told him that I could not because I was on the computer, but he may choose from nuts and groats OR a chilled quinoa pilaf with raisins and tuna. When 6-inch cries and wants to play with the remote control I tell him no, and then I offer him the choice of playing with a comb or the insert about TSS that came in my box of tampons. Setting boundaries and offering choices also works well with J. For instance, if wants to be amorous and I don’t I tell him no, and then I offer him the choice of vacuuming the house or rubbing my back. Setting boundaries is important. It is unacceptable to eat store bought hummus, but it is acceptable to make homemade hummus with store bought hummus. It is acceptable to drink goat milk, but it is unacceptable to filter the milk first. It is acceptable to make money, but it is unacceptable to part with any of your money unless you are parting with it in a capacity that you enjoy (like shopping).
A good parent will PROVIDE A TERRIFIC EDUCATION for their kids. Since Footlong is 6 we are teaching him Chinese as well as Esperanto. He is nearly done with his calculus studies, and he built a working lawnmower out of a spark plug, coffee filter, Kombucha tea, a piggy bank, and a paring knife. We fully support and encourage his creativity. As for 6-inch we feel it is crucial to start teaching while he is still an infant. The baby talk has ceased, and we speak to 6-inch as a grown-up. If he doesn’t respond using his grown-up words then he is not rewarded nor is he paid any attention. We have him listen to Rosetta Stone Russian programs while he naps, and I swear the other day I heard him ask J for vodka. Education is important.
It is also important to PAMPER YOURSELF so that you are rested, rejuvenated, and ready to face the day. My relaxation ritual includes having Footlong run me a hot bubble bath and 6-inch give me a manicure while I soak in the tub. Then I give them kisses, and they tuck me into bed; when I wake up in the morning I am rested, calm, and ready for my breakfast in bed.
Parenting is trial and error, but having a solid foundation like I have outlined for you is the key to success.