Parenting Like A Boss

For LaLaLa, as promised ♥

I have mentioned on here that I have two kids, both boys. G is 6 and P is nearly 10 months. For blogging purposes I will refer to them as Footlong (G) and Six-inch (P). These names in no way refer to any parts of their body; I just liked them better than “Wendy’s Value Chili” and “Biggie Fries.”

So many people stop me on MWOP and in real life, and they all want to know one thing:  why I am such a fucking awesome parent. Parenting is hard work, yo. Organization is key. Delegating tasks is a must. Tons of love, compassion, and encouragement are required, but so are oral and written annual performance examinations before the child can move up a year in age. Because I would like to stroll through TJ Maxx and not get mobbed I’ll share my mad parenting skills with y’all. Buckle up, bitches. Parenting class starts……………now.

The first rule of parenting is to STAY ORGANIZED and KEEP THE HOUSE CLEAN. Each child has a list of daily chores specific to their age and skill set. We have an alpha numerical chart from Hammacher Schlemmer that said child must initial each day. These are their chores:

FOOTLONG

  • Make bed
  • Wash face, brush teeth
  • Make coffee
  • Wash dishes
  • Grocery shopping
  • Get oil change
  • Work as needed as Mommy’s admin
  • Wear 6-inch in the Baby Bjorn while Mommy is busy
  • Cook dinner which will include a salad, soup, entree, starch, 2 vegetables, bread, tea, and dessert.

6-INCH

  • Brush tooth
  • Change diaper
  • Wrap self in wet towel and scooch around on tile floors
  • Clean baseboards
  • Fold laundry
  • Update family closet

Secondly, you must SET BOUNDARIES to be a successful parent. There needs to be a clear line about what the child can and cannot do. I find it works best to offer a choice of alternatives when you deny something. For instance, Footlong asked me last night if I would make him a hot dinner because he was hungry. I told him that I could not because I was on the computer, but he may choose from nuts and groats OR a chilled quinoa pilaf with raisins and tuna. When 6-inch cries and wants to play with the remote control I tell him no, and then I offer him the choice of playing with a comb or the insert about TSS that came in my box of tampons. Setting boundaries and offering choices also works well with J. For instance, if wants to be amorous and I don’t I tell him no, and then I offer him the choice of vacuuming the house or rubbing my back. Setting boundaries is important. It is unacceptable to eat store bought hummus, but it is acceptable to make homemade hummus with store bought hummus. It is acceptable to drink goat milk, but it is unacceptable to filter the milk first. It is acceptable to make money, but it is unacceptable to part with any of your money unless you are parting with it in a capacity that you enjoy (like shopping).

A good parent will PROVIDE A TERRIFIC EDUCATION for their kids. Since Footlong is 6 we are teaching him Chinese as well as Esperanto. He is nearly done with his calculus studies, and he built a working lawnmower out of a spark plug, coffee filter, Kombucha tea, a piggy bank, and a paring knife. We fully support and encourage his creativity. As for 6-inch we feel it is crucial to start teaching while he is still an infant. The baby talk has ceased, and we speak to 6-inch as a grown-up. If he doesn’t respond using his grown-up words then he is not rewarded nor is he paid any attention. We have him listen to Rosetta Stone Russian programs while he naps, and I swear the other day I heard him ask J for vodka. Education is important.

It is also important to PAMPER YOURSELF so that you are rested, rejuvenated, and ready to face the day. My relaxation ritual includes having Footlong run me a hot bubble bath and 6-inch give me a manicure while I soak in the tub. Then I give them kisses, and they tuck me into bed; when I wake up in the morning I am rested, calm, and ready for my breakfast in bed.

Parenting is trial and error, but having a solid foundation like I have outlined for you is the key to success.

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13 thoughts on “Parenting Like A Boss

  1. Oh, SNORT, you are so wise and such a good parent. I only hope that I can be as good as you.My son is nearly 3; have I waited too long to start parenting in your method? Will his potential be stunted? Your words are balm to me; please let me know if I have a chance of being as successful as you!

  2. SNORT~ Thank you for addressing my request as I struggle daily to parent my 3 children. You are wise beyond your years and you should consider writing a book as so many parents could use your valuable insight. I have decided to pull my son out of private school and have him start learning from the world. Tomorrow I will teach him to drive so I can sleep on the way to work. I will then teach my 5 year old daughter how to nurse a baby because that is too draining on my body. I need the rest. Lastly, my 4 month old will need to teach herself how to diaper herself because that is taking away from my computer time. Do you have any other recommendations on languages that my children can learn??? Will you be holding on online or in person workshops on parenting? When is Clever U's next course in this? I am close to filing bankruptcy but this is way to important so I will just give up paying for the car for a few months if I need to. Where do I send the money?~LaLaLaIamNotListening

  3. Mmmh… I agree with rigorous parenting, but I must share that I have a different approach with my 18 and 13 year old daughters. While I have had a 4.0 since birth, own many degrees in all kinds of things which include gardening, medicine, sunblock wearing, circumcising, 10 languages and goat milking, I feel like I must always remain the smartest with my kids and teach them very little. I homeschool them all day and have them memorize that a hedgehog's heart beats 300 times per minute (average) and that Hitler only had one testicle. They also learned that men are pigs. They cannot pierce their ears until the age of 42, which is the age I have told them they will become adults. By that time, they will be too old to marry, I won't have to pay for two weddings, and they can stay at home and take care of their mommy. They will call me mommy forever. -Mcksense.

  4. LaLaLa, you can just send me a bunch of cash and a check for the difference. As for languages, anything should be fine although the odder the language the higher the prestige value.

  5. No, no. You have sons; it's important for them to learn how to take over the world. I have girls. All they need to know in Italian is Gucci. You're very funny, thank you.

  6. Well, Lerin, every blogger worth their finishing salt needs a #1 super stalker fan to defend them through thick and thin. Want to be mine? You can be my LMM.

  7. I am still laughing. You are just what the oncologist ordered for me, the caregiving spouse, while enduring what we refer to out home as the "16 hour Friday chemo diet". Tomorrow is the oh so unmagical chemo day and I cannot wait to share your blog with the infusion nurses whom we have grown to love like family these past 7 years–I do all this while my husband is sleeping with the magic shots they administer to him to help him get through the chemo with no throwing up until he gets home and I can clean it all up. I so love your blog and I really will be sharing it with the nurses tomorrow. We all need to find something to laugh about in the oncology unit. Please do not stop writing. Ever.–M

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