I have thought long and hard about this venture, and I have decided to write a crapbook. A crapbook, you say? Snort, what is this crapbook of which you speak? A crapbook is a book written by someone who thinks throwing random crap in a bowl is cooking. It isn’t cooking. It is crapping as far as I am concerned. Using that logic, a cook would write a cookbook, and a crap will write a crapbook.
Now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I anticipate The Joy of Crapping will be a rather large book with many chapters dedicated to family favorites, my favorites, and recipes I literally throw together at the last minute. This is an overview of the first chapter in The Joy of Crapping: appetizers!
6 slices of 100% whole wheat bread, toasted
2 bananas, sliced
6 fried eggs, julienned
1 cup goat milk cream cheese
1 bunch dill, finely minced
1/4 cup roasted peanuts, crushed
6 Tbsp ranch dressing
Smucker’s Chocolate Magic Shell ice cream topping
Spread each slice of toast with cream cheese then top evenly with bananas, eggs, dill, peanuts, and ranch dressing. Drizzle each slice with ice cream topping and let harden. Using a chainsaw, cut each piece of toast into 4 pieces so that each person can have 4 canapés. Excellent served with Boones Farm strawberry wine OR a jigger of Listerine.
12 Tofurkey tofu hotdogs cut into 1/2″ rounds
1 jar blueberry preserves
1 C. agave nectar
juice of 1 lime
1 can of black beans, drained
In a crockpot heat blueberry preserves, agave nectar, lime juice, and beans until hot and melty. Add slices of Tofurkey. Set out toothpicks for guests to stab their own slices.
1 pack lime Jell-O
1 pack lemon Jell-O
1/4 lb. smoked salmon, hunked
2 ribs celery, diced
1 onion, finely minced
1/2 tsp garlic powder
12 ripe strawberries, sliced
1 carrot, diced
handful of red grapes, halved
1/2 C. raw broccoli
Mix Jello-O flavors together and prepare according to package directions. Place Jell-O in novelty mold and chill. When chilled Jell-O is the consistency of egg whites stir in all ingredients (except Cool-Whip) and then let Jell-O set for at least 12 hours. Serve slices of Jell-O on a bed of romaine lettuce and top with Cool-Whip.
1 tub yak milk cream cheese (or you can milk your yak and make homemade cheese)
2 scallions, minced
1/2 C. cold, cooked quinoa
1/4 C. chunky almond butter
2 kiwi, sliced
1/2 C. minced raw cauliflour
1/3 C. gummy bears
3 lbs cilantro
Mix all ingredients (except cilantro) into softened yak cheese. Place mixture back into cheese tub and refrigerate several hours until firm. Mince the 3 pounds of cilantro and spread it evenly over your work surface. Empty container of firm, chilled cheese mixture into mountain of cilantro; roll the cheese blob left and right and back and forth and to and fro and this way and that way until it is ball-shaped and covered with cilantro. Sprinkle with remaining cilantro. Serve with Oreo cookies or toast points.
Family Favorite Super Creamy Hummus
1 jar coconut oil
4 8-oz. tubs store bought hummus
1 can garbonzo beans, drained
2 tsp. garlic, minced
1 32-oz jar organic unsweetened applesauce
1/4 C. tahini
1 can organic pork brains
Puree garbonzo beans in blender. Add hummus, garlic, applesauce, tahini, and pork brains; blend until smooth. In a heavy skillet melt coconut oil over medium heat; when hot and liquified add to mixture in blender and blend until well mixed and no chunks remain. Put liquid mixture into a bowl and serve with raw broccoli, carrots, nori, vanilla sugar wafers, and organic blue corn tortilla chips for dipping.
In a large bowl place these ingredients, in this order, from bottom to top: 2 cans pinto beans (pureed), 2 pounds cilantro greens, 6 sliced boiled eggs, 1 bag organic frozen raspberries, 3 cups cooked bulgur wheat, 2 cans hunked tuna, 2 cups pureed sweet potato. Top with chia seeds, flax meal, and melted I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!. Scoop out of bowl with toy shovel and serve in a pita pocket. Serve hot for a hot pocket.