The Joy of Crapping

I have thought long and hard about this venture, and I have decided to write a crapbook. A crapbook, you say? Snort, what is this crapbook of which you speak? A crapbook is a book written by someone who thinks throwing random crap in a bowl is cooking. It isn’t cooking. It is crapping as far as I am concerned. Using that logic, a cook would write a cookbook, and a crap will write a crapbook.

Now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I anticipate The Joy of Crapping will be a rather large book with many chapters dedicated to family favorites, my favorites, and recipes I literally throw together at the last minute. This is an overview of the first chapter in The Joy of Crapping:  appetizers!

Canapés
serves 6

6 slices of 100% whole wheat bread, toasted
2 bananas, sliced
6 fried eggs, julienned
1 cup goat milk cream cheese
1 bunch dill, finely minced
1/4 cup roasted peanuts, crushed
6 Tbsp ranch dressing
Smucker’s Chocolate Magic Shell ice cream topping

Spread each slice of toast with cream cheese then top evenly with bananas, eggs, dill, peanuts, and ranch dressing. Drizzle each slice with ice cream topping and let harden. Using a chainsaw, cut each piece of toast into 4 pieces so that each person can have 4 canapés. Excellent served with Boones Farm strawberry wine OR a jigger of Listerine.

Cocktail Weenies
serves 6

12 Tofurkey tofu hotdogs cut into 1/2″ rounds
1 jar blueberry preserves
1 C. agave nectar
juice of 1 lime
1  can of black beans, drained

In a crockpot heat blueberry preserves, agave nectar, lime juice, and beans until hot and melty. Add slices of Tofurkey.  Set out toothpicks for guests to stab their own slices.

Jell-O Salad
serves 6

1 pack lime Jell-O
1 pack lemon Jell-O
1/4 lb. smoked salmon, hunked
2 ribs celery, diced
1 onion, finely minced
1/2 tsp garlic powder
12 ripe strawberries, sliced
1 carrot, diced
handful of red grapes, halved
1/2 C. raw broccoli
Cool-Whip

Mix Jello-O flavors together and prepare according to package directions. Place Jell-O in novelty mold and chill. When chilled Jell-O is the consistency of egg whites stir in all ingredients (except Cool-Whip) and then let Jell-O set for at least 12 hours. Serve slices of Jell-O on a bed of romaine lettuce and top with Cool-Whip.

Cheese Ball
serves 6

1 tub yak milk cream cheese (or you can milk your yak and make homemade cheese)
2 scallions, minced
1/2 C. cold, cooked quinoa
1/4 C. chunky almond butter
2 kiwi, sliced
1/2 C. minced raw cauliflour
1/3 C. gummy bears
3 lbs cilantro

Mix all ingredients (except cilantro) into softened yak cheese. Place mixture back into cheese tub and refrigerate several hours until firm. Mince the 3 pounds of cilantro and spread it evenly over your work surface. Empty container of firm, chilled cheese mixture into mountain of cilantro; roll the cheese blob left and right and back and forth and to and fro and this way and that way until it is ball-shaped and covered with cilantro. Sprinkle with remaining cilantro. Serve with Oreo cookies or toast points.

Family Favorite Super Creamy Hummus
serves 12

1 jar coconut oil
4  8-oz. tubs store bought hummus
1 can garbonzo beans, drained
2 tsp. garlic, minced
1 32-oz jar organic unsweetened applesauce
1/4 C. tahini
1 can organic pork brains

Puree garbonzo beans in blender. Add hummus, garlic, applesauce, tahini, and pork brains; blend until smooth. In a heavy skillet melt coconut oil over medium heat; when hot and liquified add to mixture in blender and blend until well mixed and no chunks remain. Put liquid mixture into a bowl and serve with raw broccoli, carrots, nori, vanilla sugar wafers, and organic blue corn tortilla chips for dipping.

7-Layer Dip

In a large bowl place these ingredients, in this order, from bottom to top:  2 cans pinto beans (pureed), 2 pounds cilantro greens, 6 sliced boiled eggs, 1 bag organic frozen raspberries, 3 cups cooked bulgur wheat, 2 cans hunked tuna, 2 cups pureed sweet potato. Top with chia seeds, flax meal, and melted I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!. Scoop out of bowl with toy shovel and serve in a pita pocket. Serve hot for a hot pocket.

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28 thoughts on “The Joy of Crapping

  1. I may have just thrown up in my mouth a little bit!!!! Snort as long as your Crapbook has big glossy photos taken by yourself of course – I will definitely be standing in line to buy it!!

  2. Dear Snort, I think I'm falling in love with you. No really, I promise to never, ever put together 25 page reports on what people on the internet say about you. Well, maybe if you piss me off I might…but I'm just a nurse and am probably not that smart.Seriously, thank you for the laugh, I had a very stressful day with some worrying news, and the worry won't go away without more tests, and of course waiting for the tests results is a total bitch. So THANK YOU!

  3. Can you turn a Big Mac into a healthy dish for me? Would flax seed or hemp seed or a coconut water chaser help? You see, many years ago, before I had children or a husband, my first job was at McDonald's. While there for two years during high school (when I was a size 0 by the way).. They implanted a McDonald's loyalty chip into my brain. So, try as I might, I am addicted to McDonald's. There are many addictions, this may not be a well known one, but still a terrible burden that I carry around on my ample behind as I figure out a way to get a Big Mac with no car tomorrow as my husband is leaving me. Well, he will be back, but I will have to wait over 12 hours for him to return and they are having a crazy sale on Big Macs tomorrow in my area. 🙂 Thanks for any dieting help you can give me. Give the snortlets a hug and kiss from their addicted McDonald's friend will you?

  4. Dear Sunny, I think I'm falling in love with you as well. You're welcome for the laugh, and I'm sorry you're under stress waiting on test results (Boooo!). I hope everything turns out ok 😀

  5. Big Macs are perfectly healthy. If you tell yourself that you're eating healthy then you are. If you tell yourself that a Big Mac is a diet food then it is. I would, however, suggest the magic sprinkles just to be on the safe side. And the snortlets have been hugged and kissed.

  6. Not to fret, Heather; I will be devoting one entire chapter in "The Joy of Crapping" to finishing start, starting salt, middle salt, and all other incarnations of salt.

  7. Well, Patti, it basically goes like this: what kinds of crap do certain people serve? I just pick a few and form a recipe. I don't test the recipes though as that would make me credible, and I am anything but 😀

  8. Snort, these sound "yummy". The only thing is, I have a problem trying a recipe without a picture. I know these goodies probably get gobbled up quickly as soon as you make them, but next time please post a picture. If you need hints on Cooking and Photos I follow a Blogger …MckMama…that is quite the pro on these kind of meals. Your Welcome :o)Marley ♥

  9. Did you plagiarize these from the world famous McKMama, with zillions of followers-more followers that all the other bloggers combined can claim? These are fabulous and you make me laugh. I haven't had a lot to laugh about lately, but I come to your blog and I know you have written a post that will have me laughing, outloud, within reading the first sentence. Keep it up :)–M (itsawonderfulmcklie)

  10. Hmmmm. Are these recipes safe for a breast feeding mother? I am looking to spice things up with our same ole same ole dinner, but I am just not sure that smoked salmon and jello are safe foods for me to be eating. PLEASE ADVISE! BeholdThePowerOfGoatCheese

  11. Thank you for the loving advice, Marley. I receive your words as truth and will try and photograph (or have Footlong draw some photos of) my recipes.

  12. You're sweet. And no I didn't plagiarize MckMama; she wishes she had talent like I do. Hell, M, I probably have more blog readers than she does.

  13. How about my migraines? They've been killing me lately and I want to find some healthy food that will allow me to cut out my meds, cold turkey, with out consulting my doctor first. PLEASE ADVISE! BeholdThePowerOfGoatCheese

  14. Shit on a Stick1 extra long extra salty beef jerkysalthummusTake one extra long jerky, cover it with salt, spread crunchy hummus on it. Call MSC over and tell them supper is served! Everyone will LOVE it and want the recipe. Don't share. It's an OFS. (Old family secret)

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