For M, on Chemo Friday ♥
Another Friday, another shit storm of random [SNORT] stuff:
- I went last night and got my nails done as my own nails are too thin and brittle to grow long. The nail salon I go to is wonderful, and they offer full-service waxing as well: lip, eyebrow, arms, legs, bikini (if you can’t be bothered to lift your belly out of the way to shave), etc. Adorning the wall last night was a giant, bright, new sign that said, “We Now Offer Vajazzling!” Oh. My. Fucking. Hell. It was all I could do not to laugh. If you don’t know what vajazzling is, let me enlighten you: it is bedazzling for your lady business. You read that right. You get your lady business waxed, and the technician will glue sparkly crystals all over your hoo-ha for decoration. Really? I am a visual person, and just imagining the process had me choking back giggles: legs up in the air telling a complete stranger to put Hello Kitty on your lady bits. And then what? You go home, have sex, and leave a bunch of stones covering the bed, stuck to your panties, and find that you have passively penazzled your husband? Does anyone ever have to do the Heimlich because their lover chokes on a fake ruby? Do you forget that you have it and go to the gynecologist the following week for your annual visit and let them see what remains of the words “Sexy Bitch?” I would die of embarassment if my gyno got me in the stirrups and saw week old crystals that haphazardly spelled “Sex itch” on my lady business. The whole thing is ridiculous to me much like my college roomie who used to put body glitter “down there” to make “it” all sparkly (apparently she didn’t like hers enough to give it a nickname). It’s a vagina y’all; it ain’t supposed to look like a denim jacket from the 1980s.
- I hate sushi. I do. I feel guilty about it because it is so popular and healthy, but I can’t stand it. I’ve tried it with different kinds of fish, eel, roe, cream cheese, soy paper instead of seaweed, brown rice instead of white rice, and just pieces of fish atop rice with no veggies or seaweed. I just can’t make myself like it. The very first time I tried it was the fall of 1996 when one of my besties from HS came home from college in Macon for the weekend; we went to Mikata, which is one of those Japanese-cook-in-front-of-you-places where the chefs fling eggs in the air, do death defying knife tricks, and make jokes about Japanese Coca-Cola (soy sauce) and Japanese egg roll (spinning a whole egg in circles on the grill). James ordered some sushi for us to split, and I ate two pieces and promptly broke out in hives. I have just never had a relationship with sushi….until now. My grocery store was recently renovated and expanded, and they now have a sushi bar and sell ready-made sushi to go. I figured I’d try a new one, and I love it. The thing is though is that it’s not really sushi. It’s sushi for wimps. It has imitation crab meat (nothing raw) and cucumbers wrapped in seaweed and rice and then covered with spicy mayo and topped with French’s fried onions. I know it is cheating, but it’s the only one I like. I feel like one of those vegetarians who still eats chicken.
- G was telling me the other day that on the cartoon “Fairly Odd Parents” they make “Very Cherry Brownies.” We have brownie mix, and I offered to make him a batch of brownies; I also told him that I could have to substitute Craisins for cherries. He said, “Awesome! I’ll write you the recipe!” One thing you should know about my spunky 6 year-old is that he loves to write and draw. He has learned enough about phonics in kindergarten to spell things as they sound. He was soooooooooo proud when he gave me this (my translation is on the right):
“Frey-Cherey-Brney” “Very Cherry Brownie”
Chklit Badr chocolate batter
makwuwwewv 15 mitits microwave 15 minutes
I was stunned! That little booger actually wrote (somewhat) a recipe! I am having it framed to
hang in the kitchen. I wanted to post a picture but our scanner/printer is broken.
- I was watching “Chopped” on the Food Network last night; it is a cooking competition where professional chefs compete against one another to become the next big thing, like Mario Batali or Bobby Flay. The premise of the cooking challenges is simple; the chefs are given a box containing 4 mystery ingredients that they must use to make an entree/appetizer/dessert in 30 minutes. They can get additional ingredients from the pantry, but the 4 mystery ingredients must be used. The part I saw last night was for an entree challenge. They lifted their mystery boxes to reveal: fresh horseradish root, snap peas, oats (snicker), and……wait for it……goat chops. I think I may have peed on myself from laughing so hard. If you know why I’m laughing then good for you! If you don’t then you’ll just have to trust me that the oats, goat meat, and whipping up a dish with odd ingredients has some meaning and that meaning is “funniest most ironic shit in the world.”
- 5 or 6 of you that read my “The Joy of Crapping” post let me know that I negated to use finishing salt. I didn’t. I will be devoting an entire chapter in the crapbook to starting salt, finishing salt, middle salt, obnoxious spices and dried fruits, and various expensive, weird, melty oils. You’re welcome.