Toasted Honey or Bubble Gum?

Disclaimer:  If the earlier mention of “vajazzling” had you skeeved out then just go ahead and skip today’s post. You have been warned.

I was watching a repeat episode of Saturday Night Live the other day. Have I mentioned that it has been my favorite show since I saw my first episode in the 7th grade? In this episode there is a parody of the Kardashian family that was awesome. Observe:

It got me to thinking:  why on earth would anybody get their anus bleached? Seriously? Unless you work in porn or pose for medical textbooks, why get your anus bleached? I just don’t get it.

First off:  where do you go for a bleaching? I haven’t seen any anus salons around town. I’ve never seen commercials for anal bleaching. Great Clips doesn’t have it listed on the display board along with haircuts and shampoos. Do you just call around? “Salon Awesomeo. How can I help you?” “Um, yeah, I want to get my butthole touched up. Do you guys do that?”  *crickets*

Again, let me mention that I am a visual person. How does this go down? You lay on your stomach flipping through a back issue of Vogue and chatting about your kids and the weather while a stranger rubs medicinal grade Clorox on you? Do they show you a color palette so you can decide what color asshole to get? “Let’s see….with your skin tone I think Toasted Honey or Bubble Gum would look really nice, but I wouldn’t go any lighter than Fields of Wheat or Candelabra ’cause it just wouldn’t look natural.” Is it like getting your hair highlighted? They apply the stinky solution, put foil over your ass, then plop you down under the dryer for 30 minutes? How often do you go for touch ups?

I get that some people want to feel pretty and confident, but do we need a rhinestone studded hoo-ha and designer asshole to feel that way? Seriously? I feel pretty and confident after having a shower, shaving my legs, and putting on make-up. And why isn’t there an at home anal bleaching product so you can avoid the embarassment of going into a salon and announcing to the receptionist, “Hi, I’m Snort, and I have a 3:30 with Carissa for an anal bleaching!” Hello?!?  Crest Buttstrips maybe? Or “I Can’t Believe It’s Anal Bleach!”

I leave you with the thing I wonder the most:  who in the fuck came up with this idea?


23 thoughts on “Toasted Honey or Bubble Gum?

  1. I'm with you. If I have time to select clothes that will match and look good, shower, straighten my hair, and actually put on a full face of makeup, I feel like a movie star! No bleaching of vagazzling (sp?!) needed. If I can manage to get out of the house without poop, pee, dog hair, or milk puke on me, all the better! ~WUWD

  2. Umm.. snort, you might need a day or two off of the reality TV. All these questions and so little answers. The problem lies in demographics. You see, here in Southern Illinios, where mom7 raises the gaggle of geese with hubby, the locals here believe that once the temperature hits 80, every over-weight, beer belly gent in the land can walk into a convenience store to score some chewing tobacco and a 12 pack without said shirt. You see, in this demographic, it is not uncommon to see a 20 year old woman carrying a fishing net with a fish in it, into same said convenience store and ask the clerk for some water in a cup to put her catch of the day in. No, you think I tell tall tales, but I kid you not. This past Sunday night, as #6 and #7 childrens were not impressed with my dinner choice begged for a pizza. Not to upset the brats and to get some peace, I called up the old convenience store (which has very decent pizza by the way) and ordered said brats a pizza. Went to pick it up and low and behold the shirtless specimens of beer drinking, belly protruding white trash decided that tonight was the night to stock up on supplies and of course, girlfriend followed with her catch of the day. You see, in this demographic, an anal touch up is the last thing on these folks mind. No, just enough beer to do the trick is plenty of a splurge on the weekend. But snort if you and I lived in Hollywood out there in California, we would have plenty of anal washing shops to chose from whilst we had bedazzling done of the female bits and have cameras flashing hoping for a glimpse. Snort, you and I, may need to relocate. I know, I have kids, you have kids, husbands, blah blah blah, but can you go through your whole life and not once have your anal washing/ color job, a lost opportunity?

  3. SNORT….I will take the bleach for my brain after that reading that. I still love SNL even with all of the different casts that have come through in our lifetime. ~LaLaLaIamNotListening

  4. Snort, crazy stuff at MWOP tonight.. Jenny lost it, facebook issues? I missed it but they are looking for you at MWOP. 🙂 your admin

  5. A few years ago I had to explain what a "Brazilian" was to my 75 YO father. I DO NOT want to have to explain anal bleaching (although, yes, I have heard of it before). Thankfully my dad doesn't watch the Kardashians and since he's an old dude now, he doesn't stay up for SNL anymore.

  6. LOL at anal washing shops!!!! Bahahahahaahahahaha! We should go into business together, Mom. We can sell beer and anal bleaching. We can call it, "Beers and Bright Butts!"

  7. Yep, I'm good with clean… Got the milk puke in my hair today at my folks' house. Nothin' says class like that. Baby White Puppy is great, although I swear she's the hungriest baby I have ever met. She eats all the time and is just happy to do it. She's a super chill baby! So she meshes well with my super crazy toddler, haha. ~WUWD

  8. Shockingly enough, the trend was started by PORN STARS. I know, I couldn't believe it either.Full, full report with links to come. Good news on the tests today posted on MWOP, although it's unofficial, but I'm so relieved I think I can finally sleep. I had a virtually sleepless night last night.

  9. Dear God, I am dying here, I must lead a sheltered life – I had NO idea such a thing existed. I am resisting the urge to google. I remember having trouble wrapping my brain around the concept of a Brazilian wax, and anal bleaching might just make my head explode.

Care to chime in with your $0.02?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s