Disclaimer: If the earlier mention of “vajazzling” had you skeeved out then just go ahead and skip today’s post. You have been warned.
I was watching a repeat episode of Saturday Night Live the other day. Have I mentioned that it has been my favorite show since I saw my first episode in the 7th grade? In this episode there is a parody of the Kardashian family that was awesome. Observe:
It got me to thinking: why on earth would anybody get their anus bleached? Seriously? Unless you work in porn or pose for medical textbooks, why get your anus bleached? I just don’t get it.
First off: where do you go for a bleaching? I haven’t seen any anus salons around town. I’ve never seen commercials for anal bleaching. Great Clips doesn’t have it listed on the display board along with haircuts and shampoos. Do you just call around? “Salon Awesomeo. How can I help you?” “Um, yeah, I want to get my butthole touched up. Do you guys do that?” *crickets*
Again, let me mention that I am a visual person. How does this go down? You lay on your stomach flipping through a back issue of Vogue and chatting about your kids and the weather while a stranger rubs medicinal grade Clorox on you? Do they show you a color palette so you can decide what color asshole to get? “Let’s see….with your skin tone I think Toasted Honey or Bubble Gum would look really nice, but I wouldn’t go any lighter than Fields of Wheat or Candelabra ’cause it just wouldn’t look natural.” Is it like getting your hair highlighted? They apply the stinky solution, put foil over your ass, then plop you down under the dryer for 30 minutes? How often do you go for touch ups?
I get that some people want to feel pretty and confident, but do we need a rhinestone studded hoo-ha and designer asshole to feel that way? Seriously? I feel pretty and confident after having a shower, shaving my legs, and putting on make-up. And why isn’t there an at home anal bleaching product so you can avoid the embarassment of going into a salon and announcing to the receptionist, “Hi, I’m Snort, and I have a 3:30 with Carissa for an anal bleaching!” Hello?!? Crest Buttstrips maybe? Or “I Can’t Believe It’s Anal Bleach!”
I leave you with the thing I wonder the most: who in the fuck came up with this idea?