The Joy of Crapping: Soups

I mentioned before that I was going to write a crapbook; this is effectively a cookbook writtten by someone who things mixing random crap together is cooking. Ahem.  Since I knocked appetizers out last week I figured it was time to chug right along to the next chapter:  soups.

Creamy Potato Soup:
Serves 1

1 can Chunky brand Potato Soup with Bacon
1 pint heavy whipping cream

Mix together and heat until hot. Top with a pat of goat butter.

Clam Chowder:
Serves 6

1 can clams
3 gallons heavy whipping cream
2 cups broccoli, hunked
1 bakers dozen rainbow pancakes, hunked
2 cups quinoa
1 metric ton chopped cilantro
1 can tuna
2 cups raisins
1 cup cashews, smashed

Mix ingredients together and cook in crock pot 12 hours (if you can afford to run your crock pot). Top with additional cilantro, a drizzle of honey, and imported pink Himalayan sea salt blessed by a chanting Buddhist monk.

Chia Bisque:
Serves 6

1 large handful chia seeds
1 gallon liquid-gold breastmilk

Mix seeds into milk and let them get goopy and slimy. Heat goop until it is hot. Delicious topped with bitter tears about happy you really, really are.

Egg Drop Soup:
Serves 2

4 eggs, still warm from the chicken’s ass
2 bottles Hidden Valley Ranch dressing
1 C. strawberries, diced
1/2 C. dried figs
1 can salmon
1 bunch scallions

Mix dressing, fruits, salmon, and scallions until boiling. Crack eggs and drop into soup one at a time whilst stirring constantly. Remove from heat and let stand a few minutes while you call Papa John’s and order a pizza.

Bankruptcy Soup:

12 stolen ketchup packets
1 cup boiling water

Mix together and then eat.

Bingo Soup:
serves 100

3 cups dried beans
1 cup dried legumes
1 cup dried lentils
2 cups rice
3 gallons water
1 slice lunch meat ham

Soak beans, legumes, lentils, and rice in water until soft. Add ham. Boil a few hours. Put in salt, pepper, cilantro, jam, and butter to taste. The person who is lucky enough to have the slice of ham on their spoon while eating shouts, “BINGO!”

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8 thoughts on “The Joy of Crapping: Soups

  1. Darn. I was SO in the mood for egg drop soup but there is NO WAY I am going to be able to eggs THAT fresh. I guess I'll just have to settle for grilled chicken for dinner, instead.

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