just some blurbs

A joyous, momentous occasion was marked today as 6-inch finally crawled. Wondrous, warm tears I wept as I watched my wee babe become mobile at last. He finally crawled. He did. He really did. I gave him positive feedback and told him it was about fucking time simultaneously.

Footlong is enjoying summer! Just yesterday he came to me with a math book and a bit of quadratic equations were ours. Today he built a two person helicopter out of a Big Wheel, paper napkins, a ball of rubber bands, two tampons, and a bag of Dole Spring Mix salad. He and 6-inch flew around the back yard in his whirlybird as I took plenty of photos.

Working hard tremendously is J. Poor man comes home every night tired to the bone from working so hard. It’s all he can do to collapse onto our imported custom-designed Italian leather sectional sofa and watch TV on our 46″ plasma screen while our robot butler, Percival, takes his drink order. I make sure I have a hearty dinner ready for him; usually a pilaf. Or cold grain salad. Or take-out. Quality time is ours after the kids are put to bed, their soft and ample bottoms bearing the marks of my Pampered Chef spatula. Click here for a terrific deal on Pampered Chef products!

I was at a Mom’s Meet-Up the other day and had severe stomach cramps. Having a painful, liquidy bowel movement was going to happen at any time. The bathroom was out of order, so I crouched atop my Prada bag and made do (ha! pun intended!). I’m so crafty when it comes to finding a quick solution to a problem. I don’t cuss except for when I do, but if I did cuss, which I will, I’d say it was pretty fucking brilliant of me. Ahem. Not ten minutes later I had to urinate, and as my bag was full I proceeded to crouch atop the water fountain while the other moms were having coffee and cinnamon rolls. I made a delicious twig and leaf salad, and it was gone before the cinnamon rolls!

Today I was staring out of the living room window, and it was cloudy. The glass. Not the weather. Ahem. I imagined what it would be like to have cataracts and see the world in a cloudy, smudged way like my darling grandmother. She would have loved to have seen clearly though her windows. Her eyes and her literal windows. I then lovingly caressed the glass panes with Windex, and at last was able to see again. Do you have a special Windex story to tell? Type your comment below and tell me why Windex is so fucking great to be entered into a giveaway for a Windex coupon.

This is obviously a work of fiction. I do not use Pampered Chef products. I do not spank my kids with spatulas. There is no Windex promotion. I do not shit in my purse nor do I pee in fountains. This story is a piece of satire. Or is it a parody? Eh, it’s one of the two. If you didn’t enjoy this then you have no fucking sense of humor. That is all.


27 thoughts on “just some blurbs

  1. I prefer green works over windex. It's an all natural all-purpose cleaner. I use it as my contact solution. The stuff is amazing! Not only did it cure my glaucoma, it works miracles on migraines as well. There are countless ways you can use this stuff, simply amazing! Never mind the fact that the caution label states that it is an eye irritant. It's perfectly safe for anyone, including pregnant and breastfeeding mammals.

  2. Dearest Snort:While I am ever so proud of 6 inch and his need to become mobile, I was thinking that perhaps if you added a wee bit of chia seeds to his grub, he might become a super 6 inch and be able to enroll in a pricey private school in time to be eligible for the next National Spelling Bee competition. Whilst you blog and keep the snortlets in line, perhaps a recipe of almond butter rolled in hemp seeds might be a welcome dish for your prince who returns to your home after a hard day of work? I know you are very busy, you have blogging to do, raising two young ones along with creating organic crunchy meals for your family, perhaps you might delegate some household duties to foot long. I am sure he is more than capable of making a delicious almond butter crepe with carmelized hemp seeds whilst he grill six inch on the periodic table. I do so wish we lived closer, I would arrange for a play date with my 7 and your 2. Of course I have more years parenting than you do, 7 kids x oldest is 25 so that is 175 years of experience, but we could be oh such wonderful friends eating popcorn and watching trash tv. 🙂

  3. I tried your link it was too complicated for me. I emailed you and haven't heard back, did I forget the dot? I so wish I could think of things like using my purse (would a Walmart brand diaper bag work I can't afford PRADA) instead of bowel/bladder control. I do hope you add your salad recipe soon. I wiill send you my grocery money immediately so you can replace your PRADA bag.

  4. True story. My friend's husband had a little too much to drink one night. Took a wrong turn from the bedroom to the walk in closet and vomited in her Coach bag. Ha!Keep up the good work, funny lady!

  5. Oh dearest Snort – I shall miss you as my husband and children left me this morning. I must dash away from my humble abode to NYC to spend $750,000 and have nothing to show for it. Please pray for me.Reality – Hubs and kids drove to in-laws for the weekend to celebrate her birthday and I'm going to NYC for a wedding. It was to expensive for all of us to go and since DH knows how much this girl means to me, he paid for my ticket to go alone. Love that man. I'm completely unplugging (except the phone for 'in case of emergency' and we are responsible landlords who need to be available 24/7).

  6. That is incredible! Thanks for mentioning it! J and I already use the Green Works laundry detergent as an erotic massage oil, and it is the shiznit.

  7. Dearest Mom:I started adding chia seeds to 6-inchs formula today; he doesn't like that it's all goopy and slimy, but I told him to suck it up and drink it like a big boy. As for education, we are trying to teach 6-inch some reading and writing skills but are meeting with some resistance. Footlong did, however, recite Shakespeare's entire repitoire from memory. Alas you do have more parenting experience than I do. Apparently I have only 6 yrs and 10 months. Bummer.

  8. First, let me clarify: I have a Prada bag because God loves me best. Yes, please send your grocery money immediately if not sooner; I realize that you and your family may starve, but I'm really important and need a new purse. I'll tell my admin to be on the lookout for your email. I'm sure you screwed it up on your end. Bummer 🙂

  9. Bahahahahahahahahahaha! I had a friend in high school whose little brother was a sleep walker. We were watching a movie late one night, and her brother walked into the kitchen dead asleep and peed in the dishwasher. Funniest. Thing. Ever.

  10. OMG he would be dead! lol My husband got drunk and peed in our laundry basket once. It was in the laundry room which is right next to the bathroom. Idiot.Samantha

  11. I don't cuss except when I do. But how many OTHER dumb fuckers (like me ahem) tried to click on the Pampered Chef "click on my link so I make a buck off you idiots" link?

  12. Well, I did use MckMath to figure out my years of parenting! Footling, now that boy is just amazing. Tell 6-inch to enjoy his chia seeds!

  13. Ohhhhhh..I got it as soon as I fell for it. I'm an idiot. Former sheeple, total idiot still. LMAO Damn. I really wanted a new shiny metal holy my dirty goat milk bowl from your link. 😉 And BTW…you're not bad, you're too good at the imitation!

  14. When my son was 12, he pooped in the litter box. He was too damn lazy to quit playing his video game and waited until he couldn't get to the bathroom. Instead, he crouched over the litter box and let it rip. Then he proceeded to get pissed off at my when I made him clean it up, telling me how gross that was.About a month later, he was dared to do it again. He didn't. Instead, he pooped into the garbage bin in the garage.Damn kids.

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