just some blurbs

A delicious family dinner will be ours tonight as I thawed a pork roast. I potted it in the crock and added some onions and mojo. Cuban food is awesome. {That’s how our family rolls.}

J continues to work [too] hard and comes home exhausted from his day of engineering. Brilliant is he. I fetch him his Gucci slippers and he plops down on our wooden Svan recliner and simultaneously places his drink order with Percival &our robot butler if you recall.&

Footlong continues to be an enterprising young lad during his break of Summer. Today he stood <proudly> and recited the entire repitoire of Charles Dickens from memory. He then built and #successfully# launched an orbital satellite he fashioned from a tube of cherry Chapstick, a gross of Q-Tips, a baby blanket, 6 DVDs, a fedora, and a dry erase board.

6-inch continues to be a +rather handsome+ baby, slowly evolving into the man he will become. We are continuing to have problems with him defecating and urinating in his diapers; I firmly told him that he would not be rewarded for this baby like behavior, and he looked at me and screeched, “Ba! Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta! Na-na-ni-ni!” I ♣again♣ reminded him to use his big boy words, and he proceeded to ◘slowly◘ crawl off. I reminded him that he needed to get up and walk, but his baby ears did not heed my words.

Whilst bathing today I decided =with some reservation= to shave my legs. Did it I did with only 5 razors. I also washeth my hair and cleansedth my body.

I am %seriously% enjoying utilizing all of these new and improved parentheses in my writing. So ♀fucking♀ festive!

We got a ☼new to us☼ pet yesterday. A rattlesnake. We do live in the desert you know. §Ahem.§ I told 6-inch it was his task to feed and water the snake and nuture it’s emotional and spiritual growth. Confusedly he looked at me his face painted with looks of ▲sheer▲ terror and straining to have a bowel movement.

Today I waxed philosophical about my childhood. I remember the day that my parents gave me the talk. You know. The. Talk. ←about sex← I was sitting on the back porch reading a book and eating a Twinkie. Gall rose in my throat as my father bumbled around telling me about sex, sperm, ova, and babies. I was ▬positively▬ mortified. I wished the floor would swallow me up and take me away. Do you have a special Twinkie story that you’d like to tell? Leave me a comment about your most memorable Twinkie experience and be entered to win my utility bills.

 Before I forget, I stubbed my toe ►super hard► and called 911 for a two-axle emergency vehicle craft to take me to the hospital. I feared severe internal bleeding from the amount of intense hopping and jumping I did. Hurt so bad it did that I yelled at the dresser, “Fuck off in the name of Jesus!” I am currently recuperating and will be wheelchair bound for a month or so. The doctor informed me that my toe injury was so severe he had to send my ↨shocking↨ x-rays to The Mayo Clinic, Harvard University Medical School, and Cedars-Sinai for advice on how to treat it because he had never seen a toe stubbed so bad. They ∟stupidly∟ recommended taping the toe, but I insisted on a full-leg cast. *sigh* I wish I could go shopping because I painted my ○entire○ house plaid and I need new furniture, art work, towels, duvets, pillows, throw pillows, pillows to throw, curtains, plates, cups, cups that won’t runneth over from my awesomeness, and a new car. But I can’t. I’m handicapped now. But hopeful. And strong.

Seriously good or bad news coming soon; keep checking back and asking questions.

Love to you all. ~no not really~ Ahem. I meant you all love me. xoxoxo


37 thoughts on “just some blurbs

  1. Please tell me you are old enough to remember the SNL skit with "Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker" when she said "Demonic Raisins, I rebuke thee!" I totally thought of that as you were cursing your dresser..

  2. Damn that *narcotic addiction*…..an injury so grievous with all the internal bleeding should be good for at least #120 Dilaudid suppositories. Perhaps you're posting from the ICU where they have you on one of those nifty pump things and they're carefully monitoring your pain level. And your internal injuries. Please, please, please have your admin update us later should your condition change….or worsen.

  3. I didn't start watching SNL until 1990/1991, so that was a little past the Tammy Faye/Jim Bakker sketches. I shall see if I can't find that on youtube.

  4. Shari, This is Snort's admin. The pain from her toe has necessitated her to be put in a medically induced coma so she can rest comfortably and have a vacation. We'll keep you posted. –Admin

  5. I am so disappointed to find out you did not give 6 inch a real rattlesnake. We all have pet sharks where we live. We don't like to swim without our own personal shark. Helps to keep all the tourons (tourist language in our town) away from us so we can enjoy the beach.

  6. Terry, I speak your language! My fam is in your neck of the woods, and I lived there every summer for ohhhh.. forever! Live further inland now, where people still don't know how to use turn lanes. BeholdThePowerofGoatCheese

  7. You, my dear, are hilarious!! I L.O.V.E. your parodies of She Who Should Not Be Named! They do truly make me *SNORT*. Thank you for always brightening up my day!! I'd love to win to be able to pay your bills, but first could you arrange it for me to win SHSNBN'd yearly wages paid entirely from the sheeple who hang on every word???

  8. I don't really understand all the political -isms, but I'll see what I can do. Thanks for the suggestion because sometimes I hzve no fucking clue what to blog about.

  9. I had a very long day and this was a nice distraction. Thank you for being so dang funny and for sharing your amazing use of parentheses with the world! 🙂

  10. Great. Now I have "F**k off in the name of Jesus" stuck in my head. And I keep laughing like Muttly from the Laff-A-Lympics so I don't wake up everyone in the house. Seriously funny stuff. Please keep writing. It's good to test my bladder control on a regular basis, you know?

  11. Make sure you request a brain scan when you get to the hospital, all that jumping might have given you a concussion. And do not tell us the results for a week, so we can keep praying for you and coming back to your blog several times a day, in hope of good news!

  12. Behold…..don't know how long its been since you've been here but the tourons (and many locals) still don't know what a turn lane is. Most think of it as their "personal" driving lane. It's only mid-june and I'm ready to kill me some of them tourist. *sigh*.It's the pain we have to bare for living and working at the beach.

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