A Day In The Life Of MockMama

Some of my internet gals and I were talking last night about how some people (ahem) thinks it Facebook and blog worthy when they pay bills, contemplate anything, eat, be a mother to their children, etc. I cracked a joke that I don’t share enough of my life and that I would immediately fix the situation by blogging about every damn thing I think, do, see, smell, and hear. My friend, Cray Cray, begged me to actually follow through so for her I will; I will blog everything possible about my day today in a grammatically horrific conglomeration of run on sentences, dangling participles, misplaced modifiers, and sentence fragments. Just call me MockMama! If you’re interested (or bored out of your skull) check back throughout the day for updates. I may have some good news! I may not. But I might.

7:30:  Mr. Snort awakened me softly to inform me that he was leaving for work and dropping Footlong at day camp simultaneously.  Woe is mine as I hear the sounds of tiny violins. My husband has left me.

8:00:  6-inch has awakened forthwith. Babbles and coos he does. I lug his 22 pound frame into the marital bed for some snuggles and songs.

8:30:  A tall drinking receptacle of Diet Coke is mine along with my Synthroid. I have hypothyroidism. Didn’t you hear? I do. It was published in the medical journals. Worst case ever. I’m ok though; I’ve done some reading at Web MD and am almost an endocrinologist.

8:42:  I urinated. It was clear. You’re welcome!

8:45:  6-inch has been playing with toys on my bedroom floor. Improving is his crawling. So much so that my leg keeps him from crawling ‘neath the computer desk for the electrical cables he wants to see so badly.

8:46:  Good morning, MWOPers! Read both threads to get caught up with all my internet gals. Snark there is, but there are friendships and camaraderie that have formed in the wake of financial disasters and lies of multitude.

9:08:  6-inch appears to have defecated himself. I change his disposable toileting apparatus blowing on his tummy simultaneously. One day I will miss this.

9:33:  6-inch farted and giggled. After much contemplation and asking of advice…….I have decided to make a pot of coffee. Thanks y’all!

9:37:  I drank a delicious vanilla protein shake. Click here for a smashingly good deal!

9:45:  Fed 6-inch a bottle of formula. Drank 8 oz. he did with a burp to boot.

9:56:  6-inch in the swing for some to and fro action.

10:26:  6-inch is asleep. Bills are paid. Groceries were procured last night. What to do?? Girls, I need some solicited advice:  what should I do?!?

10:50:  After much prayer and soul searching, I have decided to spend some time on Google Earth.

11:15:  Time to get dressed to pick-up Footlong from day camp. Dress in jeans, bra, panties, and t-shirt. Flip-flops adorn my hooves painted coral on the toe nails.

11:21:  Scrub my tongue too hard with the toothbrush and dry heave. Crying. Why me? Why me?

11:34:  Awaken 6-inch from his sweetly innocent baby slumbers to change his diaper as he has urinated. Dress him in a designer onesie by Carters. 100 degrees it is presently; mustn’t bake my sweet babe.

12:01:  Pick-up Footlong and escort him to my RV (Nissan). Buckle him in.

12:15:  Return home to urinate. Start lunch for myself and Footlong.

12:20:  Make my marvelous sooper speshul grilled cheese sandwich.  First, apply 2 slices of reduced fat Kraft singles and one slice of reduced fat imported Swiss cheese to a slice of bread than you have ripped. Whilst butter (way better for you than what your doctor will tell you!) melts in a limited edition platinum rimmed Gordon Ramsay skillet.

Add second slice of bread.
There you go! A hearty and healthy sandwich. I garnished mine with cilantro, raisins, and vanilla icing.

12:51:  Footlong informs me that he is ready to eat. I hand him a bowl of sunflower seeds, leftover fried eggs, a couple slices of Tofurkey, and an endive and walnut salad.

1:02:  I catch Footlong making himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

1:27:  Footlong shows off the piñata he made at day camp when they learned about Mexico. He knew so much already that the teacher let him conduct the class. Tomorrow he will be lecturing on the economic impacts of deforestation and vodka consumption in Siberia.

1:31:  8oz of milk does 6-inch lustily imbibe. I added raw quail eggs and flax meal; he drank swimmingly.

1:40:  Drank more water thus urinating again.

1:51:  ART PROJECT TIME! I handed the kids some paint brushes, a can of Behr premium paint in “Turquoise Shocker” and told them to have fun.

2:30:  Allow Footlong some computer time to play Angry Birds whilst I put 6-inch on my hip. My love for him is so pure. So refreshing. So giddy.

2:48:  Change the diaper of my babe as he has urinated and defecated.

3:01:  The TSB* (*two sweet brothers) have playtime in Footlong’s room. 6-inch loves this and feels like a big boy. Makes my heart smile. I have a Diet Coke and a handful of walnuts.


i have picked up toys that
are all over my bedroom floor
tiny baby toys
plush, educational, chewable
what do your babies play with?
4:15:  So many of you today have admitted that I am a rockstar mother so I’ve decided to teach online parenting classes! Each class will last 1 hour and be limited to 50 participants. We will use Skype or live chat….depends on how I feel. The cost is $2999 per class or I’m running a special of $5990 for two classes (you save $8!!!!). Please send an email with your preference and send the money to PayPal; my admin (Mom7) will then send you an email with the deets.
Wednesday June 20  6:00-7:00 pm PST:  Parenting Like a Boss
Wednesday June 20  8:00-9:00 pm PST:  Parenting for Beginners
Thursday June 21  10:00-11:00 am PST:  Parenting for Beginners
Thursday June 21  12:00-1:00 pm PST:   Intermediate Parenting
Thursday June 21  4:00-5:00 pm PST:     Raising a Genius
Thursday June 21  7:00-8:00 pm PST:     How Parenting Interferes With Social Media
Friday  June 22  4:00-5:00 pm PST:        Discipline and Nutrition

5:02:  Begin to plan dinner in hopes that Mr. Snort will return to his family soon. There is plenty of leftover sesame garlic pork roast, steamed rice, and lima beans. I feel like having oatmeal.

5:40:  I have enjoyed time playing with both of my miniature men. Mr. Snort has communicated to me that he will have to work late tonight. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. But I’m going to pray him home. Because I love him. And I want to yell at him. Mostly because I love him though. Whilst I’m mad at him. I’m happy. Really. See?  ☺  Oh, I have also urinated and, ahem, moved by bowels. Both smelled like roses. It was heavenly.
6:00:  Assisted 6-inch in the drinking of more man-made baby milk from his baby friendly drinking receptacle. Did well he did. Footlong enjoyed talking on the phone with my mother, Queen Snort Mum. She’s doing well she is.

6:15:  I have eaten dinner and am compulsively flossing my perfect, sparkling white teeth. I have naturally perfect, awesome teeth. Having orthodontic work for 4 years had nothing to do with it; I was just born with good teeth.

7:00:  Mr. Snort hath returned home. I kissed him heartily as his kisses are a balm for my soul. 6-inch was smashingly fussy so I put him down somewhere to nap. Footlong has composed an opera.


53 thoughts on “A Day In The Life Of MockMama

  1. Oh. my. Gosh. I use the same kind of bread as you! And the same kind of cheeses. YEAH me. I'm trying to be like snort when I grow up! You are too cool. I want to be like you! Can I be head Snortle? Is that what you call your fans? Snortles? I want to be one! LMAO

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