I decided to take a few days off of blogging because I could. Things have been going smashingly this summer. Today me and the kids went to the Costco ’round these parts. Lots of fun and samples were ours, and I made sure to write the kids name, SSN, birthday, my mother’s maiden name, and blood type on their person with my turquoise Sharpie. Footlong made an astute observation when I purchased a metric ton of edamamme as he looked at me and said, “Those are soybeans, right?” “Right!” I told my blessed firstborn with a grin as he burst into song and began singing, “Beans beans the magical fruit! The more you eat the more rectal wind you excrete!” I wish I could say 6-inch was as clever. But, alas, whilst he is beautiful, he is not clever. At all. Seriously. Whilst Footlong was joyously singing about beans and colonic emissions 6-inch crammed four of his fingers in his mouth and proceeded to slobber everywhere. I told him this behavior was unacceptable. I could not find a wooden spoon with which to punish his bum, so I walked over to the housewares section and grabbed a Brita pitcher to spank him with. He then looked at me confusion written over his sweetly innocent countenance and giggled and urinated in his diaper simultaneously.
Once we were home and the groceries were put away forthwith I proceeded to make a healthy dinner. You didn’t know we eat healthy? We do! All the time! We put nothing but the most healthy, natural morsels in our tummies. Everyone knows that me and the kids have been imbibing raw egg-chia-cilantro-lard smoothies for breakfast. Raw eggs are ever so much more healthy than the FDA tells you they are. Since I am also a nutritionist (and doctor, teacher, accountant, journalist, attorney, and fashion designer) I decided that………….we would now eat our chicken raw too! Chicken sashimi was ours tonight topped with some good fats (melted peanut butter) fresh herbs (chives and flat leaf parsley) and imported pink Himalayan finishing salt. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I don’t cuss, except for when I do, but if I did cuss, which I will, I’d say it was fucking delicious. We must have worked excessively hard today because after eating our raw chicken dinner we were all met with diarrhea and spasms of the abdomen.
Footlong composed a lovely opera the other day and then built me a new dishwasher out of a bottle of shampoo, 3 packs of Garbage Pail Kids, a twist-tie, a 12 pack of mulberry scented votives, and a compass. He is my pride and joy that one. 6-inch defecated himself and made a mess. I had bought him the new designer Speedo thong diapers and they don’t work. At all. Period.
Things are going well with Prince Snort and me as we spend much quality time snuggling and watching our new 84″ plasma media viewing screen. He looked earnestly into my eyes with his eyes and his eyes said, “I love you!” “That’s great, now rub my back and feet,” replied my eyes. Buoys me a great deal he does.
Speaking of a great deal, click here to get on board with these wonderful new life changing, game changing, miracle, healthy, fragrant, potent, tingly, granola, Christian, awesomely financially lucrative products I am so in love with! Ask me how you can earn them for free and get a round-trip airline ticket to boot. Send me an e-mail and don’t forget the fucking dot or the at symbol thingy. I may or may not get back to you soon. If you don’t hear from me it’s because you fucked it up on your end. Ahem.
Good or bad news may be coming soon. I’m not sure which. It may be good. I’m hoping it’s good. But it may not be. There’s a chance it could be bad. Real bad. But I’m hopeful. So hopeful. I believe. And I’m strong. So strong. That’s all that matters.
This is a badly written piece of sarcastic fiction. We eat our chicken cooked and our eggs scrambled. 6-inch does not wear baby thongs. I don’t write on my offspring with markers, nor do I spank their bums with wooden spoons or water filtration systems.