Totally Random Crap

I’m kind of in a bad mood so I will just spew forth things I am thinking or have thought or have done lately. You’re welcome for the lack of imagination on my part.

Footlong was laying on top of me watching a movie the other day. He said, “Mama, you’re so comfortable!” I said, “I know, baby. It’s because Mama is fat and squishy.” He got mad and said, “Mama! You DO NOT call people fat. It is mean. You are not fat. You’re just really jolly.”  Thanks, son.

6-inch took a major poop today while he was napping, and the poop went all the way up his back. It was gross. I had to cut his onesie off of him because I didn’t want to get shit in his fuzz (he has no hair). I wiped him and wiped him and finally gave up and sprayed him with the little hose thingy attached to the kitchen sink. I dried him, diapered him, and put on a clean onesie. That poop smelled so bad that I couldn’t get rid of the stink! I finally said, “Fuck it!” and sprayed his onesie with a shot of Febreze. Yeah, that’s how I roll.

I read online today that Lindsay Lohan has dyed her hair red again. This is fucking news?!? Does it really matter what color hair she has? She is a hot bag of shit that is going to self-destruct one day. I’m betting on another arrest by years end.

I saw a picture of protein balls on the net today. I immediately thought of the aforementioned shit explosion 6-inch had. I would honestly rather stay nice and jolly than eat that crap.

I am addicted to coffee.

I can totally tell a difference, energy wise, when I don’t take my Alive! vitamins.

Don’t laugh at me, but I love collecting old Sears catalogs from the days when Sears still made catalogs. They are like a slice of American life frozen in time. I love looking at the ones from the mid-1980s and seeing the women with sky-high hair wearing 6 shades of eyeshadow and shoulder pads that would make an NFL player jealous. I love looking at $300 VCRs that are the size of end tables. The home decorating stuff trips me out. It makes me giggle looking at all the male models because they always have one arm crooked and held in front of them in a weird pose that only people on 20/20 use.

I am convinced that root beer is nothing more than carbonated Pepto Bismol than is colored brown.*shudder*

The other night I gave Footlong a chocolate mousse goatee and had him put on J’s glasses. It is a shame I don’t see a resemblance between the two. LOL

6-inch likes to play in his Johnny Jump-Up thingy. I left him jumping while I went to the bathroom, and I came out to see this:

My very, very first thought was, “OMG, he hung himself!” Then I heard baby snores and realized he had jumped and jumped until he fell asleep. Poor guy. I got him out and snuggled him on my lap and let him finish his nap wrapped in my arms. ♥

This is the fucking worst maternity photo I have ever seen (taken from awkwardfamilyphotos.com):

First off all, the woman looks constipated. And what is up with her pants? It looks like her crotch is devouring them. I get that they wanted their kid involved, but is this the best they could do:  a smarmy kid playing with a wooden train in the grass? It looks like Dad is thinking, “This is soooooooo not my life!” and is trying to vanish behind Mom.

I think that’s enough for one day. You’re welcome.

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11 thoughts on “Totally Random Crap

  1. I do not know you or your family, but you make me laugh, & if I ever met Footlong, I would have a hard time not hugging him hard. He is just a hoot that wayNext time stick that onsie in vinegar & baking soda & make a science project.& add a protein ball & see how that rolls. (no pun)

  2. Oh that poop up the back is bad…When Laila was a baby she was sitting in her highchair because we had just finished lunch. I look over at her and I thought she had gotten chocolate pudding somehow (totally doable as Hayden was still home then) but no it wasn't pudding. I will spare you the deals but it was my worst poop experience.Funny I was just thinking the same thing about Lindsay Lohan when I read she had dyed her hair. Who the hell cares !I have a great protein ball recipe and they don't look like what the birds would eat. It's super tasty and I think I have a copy on my blog. We have made them for a few years now and when eaten will not induce vomiting.

  3. Girl, you STILL make me laugh! Did you know Mom tried her hand at a blog post? She did okay for her first time, she just didn't ramble enough. 6 inch sleeping in his jumpy is adorable!

  4. Once, during a long car trip, my (then) non-potty-trained 3 year old kept saying, "It smells like GARBAGE in here!!!" I kept telling her nicely that it was because she kept tooting. (sidenote: This is still one of my favorite things to say when someone has gas. IT SMELLS LIKE GARBAGE IN HERE!!!)Anyway, then she started whining that her tummy hurt. I then thought maybe she was constipated, so I gave her something to help her tummy. You know, a protein ball or something like that. Then for the next 50 miles or whatever, the whine was a big drawn out combination of the two: "But MOMMY! My tummy reeeeeeeally hurts and it smells like garbage!!!!"Then I finally decided to be a good mom and pull over at a rest stop, and sister had THE WORST POOP YOU'VE EVER SEEN, allllllllllll the way up her back. Smeared all over her clothes, up in her hair, and all over the back of her carseat. She said it smelled like garbage, but "my tummy feels a lot better, mommy!!!"

  5. You nearly killed me the other night when I saw that pic of 6 inch dangling like a limp noodle.True story..was trying to eat a corn dog which seems ironic huh?Sat down in front of the computer which is in my kitchen and checked in to see what was going on in the insane world of Snortville saw the little bugger all a dangle and read your reaction and went into a coughing/choking on my corn dog kinda fit.I literally had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.Spit corn dog all over my daughter.She glanced over to see what was on the monitor and I kinda gasped and said six inch fell asleep and is hanging there!She said "is that why your so pussed off at dad right now?"And that got me me going all over again.I just pointed and said just read the whole post.Henny

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