Pardon Me While I Quench My Thirst For Some Pants….

A couple of years ago I bought a sparkly phone cover for my Blackberry. See?

I got a new phone a few months ago and decided to visit the same website to order another cover because they are less than $10!! Anyhoo, after purchasing said cover I noticed that in addition to phone covers and electronics the company also sold clothes. Since the kids are both occupied I figured I would just browse and see what they had. They had alot to choose from, everything from trashy lingerie to wedding gowns. What absolutely killed me though is that this company gives descriptions of all of it’s products in broken English. Now don’t get me wrong…..I am NOT knocking anyone who cannot speak English. I am, however, amused by a company who sells and advertises in English but apparently doesn’t employ someone fluent in the language. I have literally been sitting here in front of the computer for thirty minutes laughing my big ass off. Seriously. I have tears rolling down my face, have scared 6-inch, and may have even peed in my pants.

That said, without further delay, I bring you the best clothing descriptions from Dino Direct!

“These high waist women jeans are durable for you to wear in public. The style of these pencil style lady jeans is incarnated by concise delicacy. These women jeans are produced by modern industrial craftsmanship. Just take one now!”
 (And can I just say for the record:  these are the ugliest fucking jeans I have ever seen in my entire life! Seriously….where do the pants end and her boobs begin? Even her shirt looks panicked!)
“This pair of women shorts features the unique high waist style and there is a retro feeling in shorts. This pair of short pants is made of denim which is durable for longtime use. The double breasted style of this pair of women shorts can easily catch people’s attention. This pair of women shorts can bring out your feminine temperament naturally. What are you waiting for? Please go to action now.”
(Why are you still hanging around this blog? Go to action and buy these short pants for your feminine temperament! And I love the asymmetrical leg lengths. Very chic.)
“These women jeans are produced with nice and distinctive patterns and delicacy. With these lady jeans you will definitely be the most charming and elegant one. These women jeans are durable for you to wear in public. Just obey your thirst to get one!”
(I am so fucking thirsty for a pair of these pants I can’t contain myself.)
“These portable spring summer style women shorts are popular for its individual design and nice outlook. These snowflake pattern lady shorts fit for a graceful lady to wear. With these women shorts you will definitely be the most charming and elegant one. Let us make things much better from now on!”
(Fuckin’ A, man….shorts that are both portable and will make things better from now on?!? Sign me up! Er…..after I lose some weight and don’t need to sew two pair of those together, of course.) 
“This is a very suitable gift for your lover, which is sweet and warm. It is a little secret between the lovers. Sexy is already no longer shy! Yes, if you love her, you can send her this sexy thong. It is perfect for everyday wearing, easy to wash and clean. This sexy thong will make your lover unique and very sexy. Your lover will love this comfortable women thong. So, take action at once.”
(Yes….if you love her, send her an incomplete pair of panties with a necklace that goes up her butt crack. That is indeed a secret between the lovers. J, if you ever read this, don’t you fucking dare order me something like this.)
 “Are you the fashion icon who likes shopping? You have no much more time to purchase because of your business, or you are an office lady. Then you just buy clothes in online store. Now we introduce you this fashion spaghetti strap dress. Halter designed chiffon long dress can create an eye-catching to you! Floral design dress will make you look more beautiful. And it can show your beautiful arm line perfectly. Made of high quality material, this women chiffon dress will give you comfortable touch. You will be more beautiful with this fashion spaghetti strap dress. Hurry up; just take this dress home today!”
(Does this sound like a sponsored post by someone?)
“Everyone who sees the Maternity Dresses at the first sight will love it deeply and then will stretch you dollars to buy it without hesitation. The Sleeveless Dresses are suitable for any different kind of maternities. It is really nice. Who wears it will become beautiful in just a few seconds. The Sleeveless Dresses actually have the magic power.”
(It is so nice to find a dress suitable for different maternities; whether you’re pregnant with a human baby, a kitten, a puppy, or have been impregnated by an alien, you can be stylish. And, perhaps most importantly, this dress has some fucking magical powers. That alone is worth the stretching of dollars to buy it.)
“These lint ball decoration short puff sleeves design maternity dresses are very fashion. If you are a pregnancy mother, congratulations to you first! And you will be excited to find these maternity dresses here. These maternity dresses are very fashion for mother-to-be. With the help of these pregnancy dresses, you will be the focus of the crowd. Meanwhile, these maternity clothes can be used as coats to wear.”
(I’m sorry, but lint ball decoration short puff sleeves sounds like something hot and fuzzy I would scrape out of my dryer vent. Secondly, how can this be worn as a coat?) 
“This Anti Radiation Maternity Women’s Dress is your best choice for your pregnant months to wear. This Anti Radiation Maternity Women’s Dress uses the most advanced materials of metal and fiber blended with fabrics. The Cotton Maternity Dress keeps the mother-to-be from the harm of computer or cell phone radiation and provides you a healthy office and living environment.”
(Well fuck me running. I had no idea I was supposed to wear radiation proof clothing when I was pregnant. Maybe that is why my boys were born bald and wrinkled.
Sorry, kids. I guess I’m a crappy mother.)
“Do you want to give your baby have some cloth diaper to make your baby safety when they play themselves? You can pick this cotton cloth diaper in our store. The newborn cloth diaper is made of high quality material, and your baby will feel comfortable and safety if your baby put on it. When you want to show your love, you can give your baby this cotton cloth diaper. Otherwise, wearing this cotton cloth diaper can make you relieved.”
(Why yes, I do want my baby to be safe when he plays with himself. And look at this kid!
He looks like he is pregnant with a goddamn earphone wearing dragon. Hey, Kid!
 Check into the maternity dresses above. You’re welcome!!)
I could post a million more, but I think that is enough for one day. Quench your thirst and leave me comment to make you more beautiful. Read my blog daily to be fashionable and have good internal temperament. Magical powers does have Snort. Bummer for you.

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38 thoughts on “Pardon Me While I Quench My Thirst For Some Pants….

  1. That is some rockin' wordsmithing! Puts MckMama to shame. Sooo funny – especially like the lint ball decoration puffed sleeves (WTF?). Hmm, trying to figure out how wearing the sexy (sweet and warm) thong will make your lover unique and very sexy? And at first glance I thought the little guy in the master baiter diapers was preggo! Thanks for more laughs Snort!

  2. Oh my gosh….just when I thought things couldn't get any funnier (I loved the 70s "hot" men post, btw), you go and make this one. I nearly choked on the Lorna Doone cookie I was eating and scared both one of my dogs and one of my cats because I was laughing so hard!

  3. Long time lurker, first time caller.That shit is hilarious. Call me Mr. Doeling, because I snorted reading that.Thank you. Made my night after marathon bedtime with my kids.

  4. Oh, to add to my last comment, that pink number with the fake pearls up the backside would be a pair of crotchless panties. And I hate the word panties. But those are some crotchless ones. And no, that is not firsthand knowledge.You're welcome.

  5. I know they're crotchless panties. My ex-husband told me a joke about a woman who bought a pair hoping to spice up her love life. She went home, put them on, then went to her hubby and said, "Hey sexy….want some of this?" "Hell no! It's already eaten a hole in your panties!!" LOL LOL

  6. I know, right?!? If I ever get pregnant again I'm getting radiation proof bras, panties, pants, shirts, toilet paper, and everything else you can think of.

  7. At first inward like "meh, how funny could it be?" but I think I could have benefited from some oxygen while reading those! I haven't laughed like that in a while.

  8. BWAHAHAHA! I love that they kept saying "lady jeans" – it just makes me think of the phrase "lady bits" πŸ™‚ Or when Will Ferrell in that ice skating movie is on the treadmill singing Fergie's "my lovely lady humps"!

  9. I am sitting here with tears running down my face from laughing so hard, with my rocket scientist looking at me wondering what on earth I am reading online. I think they are using Bing Translation and the results of the translation are hysterical. Now I know why my children laugh at me when I respond to a message they send me in French, back to them in French, and doubt myself because I am not as fluent as they are, so I use Bing Translation. OMG, I can only imagine what they are reading from me! Too FUNNYIn China it is quite nteresting to see the fashionable outfits being worn all in hopes of dressing more American, the apparent fashion icons. I loved seeing it all. The thing is I wear a size 6, and size 6 is too large to be carried in most of the stores, so I was unable to buy any new outfits. Damn. Oh wait, I can order those fabulous high waisted jeans that might even make me look like I have boobs. Double Lucky Damn.–Mari

  10. I thought too that they might be using a free translation service, but you think they would have someone fluent in English proofread it! It is all like this, Mari. Men's clothing, lingerie, kids clothes, shoes, wedding dresses, etc. It is absolutely hysterical. Glad you enjoyed!

  11. Girl, I found you through MWOP and started reading your blog. I must tell you that you increased my feminine tempermant and have visions of babies pregnant with earphone wearing dragons dancing in my head. You always make me laugh and I'm pretty darn thankful you're around to brighten my day with your wit. I also intended to post way back when you introduced yourself that I am very impressed by your honesty. You'll never be *justly* compared with *other* lying, scamming bloggers of the mommy variety. πŸ™‚ Rock on!

  12. I just about died laughing when i saw the ad for the high waisted jeans on jennifer howe sauls mckinney's blog. Too funny. Personally, her fashion style is so bad maybe she'll be ordering them for herself to show off her new svelte frame. Too funny. I have had such a night reading the clothing descriptions on this site. Between the Big Bang Theory reruns and this site I am having a great night.–Mari

  13. Sitting at my desk trying to act like I'm working while reading this and cracking up. My favorite of your comments: "It is so nice to find a dress suitable for different maternities; whether you're pregnant with a human baby, a kitten, a puppy, or have been impregnated by an alien, you can be stylish."

  14. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!! Admittedly it takes very little to make me pee on myself but this is some dangerous stuff for a girl like me! Thanks for the laughs, damn I needed them today.

  15. What can I say to all of that except it was hilarious. I can't imagine that they sell anything! Thanks for sharing. But are you sure you aren't spending too much time on the net when you can find sites like these. lol just kidding. I thank you for the fun.

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