Now! The Social Pressure!

For M on chemo Friday  ♥

I was talking to Father Snort the other day, and he was telling me that he is really impressed by my writing skills and humor (in all fairness, he is my dad and is obligated to tell his offspring those things). He choked up with laughter trying to tell me about his favorite post:  the clothing descriptions in Chinglish courtesy of a certain web retailer. I was telling him about the myriad of products they sell, and he asked me to post some more hilarious descriptions. This one is for you, Dad!

“This type of Castle Dog House, with special and high quality materials provides a comforting sense of safety, security and comfort which you and your dog will love it so much. The Castle Dog House is unique, attractive and the beautifyl shape is classic and lovely. With deep color and special material of this Sponge Dog House has Warm-toned and soft feel is most obvious of our Castle Dog House, it provide your dog a perfect living environment. Now, the social pressure! Work more and more busy, friends less and less! Really understand your family, and you might only side always accompanies you pet! Occasionally you frolicking become indispensable to adjust everyday life! What does not know, we would have been gradually put them into life, into the part of the family! They are more like a naughty boy! Give them a nice house.”

(What. In. The. Fuck?!? First we get a decent description of this doggie palace and then we must discuss the social pressure associated with canine housing?)

“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Our Christmas hat will perfectly accent your Christmas. You can see the rich optic luster in our Christmas hat. Spread the holiday cheer in the Christmas hat, for the ultimate Christmas effect. They will bring a festive feel to your Christmas display. You can use them as beautiful gift for the winter season.”

(Seriously? I’m pretty sure Happy Birthday and Christmas are two different things. Unless these, of course, are for Jesus’ surprise birthday party. I will concede, though, that the optic luster in those hats is indeed rich.)

 “A portable Breathable Sport Protection Pants for holding snowboards and skis horizontal and upright during sking. Breathable Sport Protection Pants keeps moisture away from your body, warms and humidifies inhaled air. Sport Protection Pants is made of high-material. It is suitable for your in sport time and is best choice.”

(OK, this isn’t a half bad idea:  pants to protect your junk whilst skiing and snowboarding. You know what I abso-fucking-lutely love about these pants? They warm and humidify inhaled air. I know at the end of some particularly challenging ski runs my (literal) ass is absolutely panting and gulping air, and I cannot even describe how goddamn bad my colon cramps up when my butt inhales cold air. It is the same thing with my lady business; sometimes my period will start out of sheer uterine protest to the inhaled cold air. Needless to say, I’m definitely buying these pants.)

“What a stylish finger skate boarding! It is healthfully friendly which can prevent your kids for hurt. And the simple and practical design of this finger skate boarding is easy for children to learn and play. In order to provide a happy growth time of your kids, this Four Wheels Skate Boarding can satisfy your needs. Come on, try it.”

(Well of course this toy will prevent your kids from getting hurt:  they are forced to skateboard with their fucking finger!! It is also easy for kids to learn to play with. Excuse me? Do they need to point that out? Is there actually a kid out there who is too damn stupid to push this with his finger? If I bought this for Footlong he would look at me like I was crazy.)

“If you want something slightly different from the classic costume, try on this delightful Women Cosplay Costume. This Women Cosplay Costume is healthy and does no harm to human body. Also, it is durable and comfortable to wear. Sexy Women Cosplay Costume Set is perfect for plays, theatrical performances, or as a unique Christmas costume. After you wear this Adult Cosplay Clothing, you will become the one you wish to be.”

(Finally! I have been telling J for years and years that dressing like a slutty she-devil at Christmas is totally appropriate, but he has been really stubborn about it. I know what I’ll be wearing Christmas morning!)

“Thanks for visiting! The men thongs designed to minimal coverage and provides you more freedom movement. The Elephant Nose Pattern can enhance the sexy of you.For those times when a regular Thong just doesn’t cut it, this mens thong, will not only charm your partner, the Men Brief will bring intrigue and fantasy into the bedroom. The front pouch of the Men Underwear allows for comfort and support while naturally enhancing your profile creating a sexy pair of men’s underwear. Complete your wardrobe collection with sexy and stylish mens thong.Choosing a mens thong underwear can create smooth lines through the pants. It is just for you. So what are you still waiting for?”

(For those times when a regular man-thong won’t cut it, wear an elephant thong! Really? It says this thing will charm your partner and bring intrigue into the bedroom. How? I would be too choked up laughing at J to consider the charm and intrigue factors. How is man-junk sexy when it is dressed as an elephant’s trunk? And those googly eyes just kill me; the elephant looks perpetually surprised as if to say, “There’s a penis stuffed in my trunk!” It also says that this thong will create smooth lines through the pants. Really? Look at this thing. You’ve got two floppy pachyderm ears and 3-D googly eyes. I am pretty sure that if you looked at a man wearing khaki pants and a polo shirt you would see some ruffling and bunching in the crotchal area.)

“This Baby Transparent Swimming Pool & Neck Float Set measures 27.5″ in height and 28.7″ in diameter. It is grate for your baby’s first swimming. Cute carton pattern can inspire your baby’s visual imagination. Made of high quality material, this baby swimming pool is durable enough for long time using. Provide safety and make your baby feel cool in the hot summer with this well-designed baby swimming pool. Show your great love to your lovely baby with this durable baby swimming pool.”

(I’m not going to snark on the product description, but this is the weirdest fucking baby pool I have ever seen. With the given dimensions it is basically the size of a little trash can, and you have to snap a floatie around your baby’s neck. Really? I googled and found this video on youtube:

Really? I would be worried about choking my kid or his head and neck sliding through the hole. Thoughts? Have any of you ever used a set up like this?)

“Have it ever bothered you that you like swimming in your pool or enjoy staying in your pool so much, but always worry about those precipitation for the water suspension, in addition to iron, cadmium, fluoride, except for radioactive contamination, in addition to floating objects, etc.? Well, we are so excited to recommend this disinfector pool cleaners, the disinfector pool cleaners can precipitate for the water suspension, in addition to iron, cadmium, fluoride, except for radioactive contamination, in addition to floating objects, etc and improve water quality color and turbidity, water out of the green, yellow, brown, white, black and other weird color of indecent.”

(Does anyone else see the irony of a product for pool cleaning that looks like a literal pile of shit? And what is with all the talk of radioactive contamination? Where are these kids swimming? Chernobyl?)

Lastly, there is this fine thing:

“This Breast Enlarger uses a sophisticated microcomputer to electronically stimulate tissue expansion and lean muscle toning.This Breast Enlarger Massager can prevent and cure breast diseases and enhance the shape of one’s cleavage. Breast Massager stimulates female’s breast, accelerate blood circulation and activate cell renewal and hormone secretion through physical massage with forceful vibration balls inside. Breast Massager can strengthen and tighten the muscles that control the look of the breast and dramatically increase breast size and form by promoting the growth of the tissue.In this way female breast will become more healthy and sexy.”

(Do those claims sound like a certain person is making them? Yeah, I thought so too.)

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9 thoughts on “Now! The Social Pressure!

  1. The elephant thong….I have looked at that like six times…is that really an actual product and not a joke? I would be doubled over on the floor LMAO seeing that one in action. OMG.

  2. OMG, I am laughing so hard I am crying and the rocket scientist is dying to know what is so funny. The massage bra ad reads like it was written by that amazing author that calls herself mckmama. God knows she has the best looking breasts in the world, he did create them after all, and she is so close to God, sitting in his lap in fact. I guess I should not question the great one and place my order for one now.If I am currently a sagging 34B, do you think I can get myself massaged up say a perfectly perky 36A, or even a saluting 32C would be great. Oh to dream of myself with the perfect mckmama inspired breasts. mckmama does so much good for so many, and now I can possibly count myself amoung the lucky ones. I shant sleep tonight with anticipation of my new breats.–Mari

  3. The neck floats are actually incredibly common among kids with severe disabilities; especially, kids with limited motor function, paralyzed, miscle strength, etc. And whose bodies can't support a real life vest. I do agree though…trash can?? really?? That just seems morbid! They could have made it into any shape/size, why that one!

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