Life and Death

Greetings and salutations my faithful minions…..er….lovely readers. It has been a busy few days for us to be sure.

My darling, well behaved, clean, intelligent, special children accompanied me to the local farmers market this morning in our quest for healthy morsels to put in our tummies. We proceeded to stock a cart full of nuts, seeds, butters, wood chips, finishing salt, concluding salt, indecisive salt, organic whipping cream, organic free range donuts, a woman named Maria who I have hired to be our live-in tortilla maker, eggs (so I can make leftover scrambled eggs), and veggies. Whilst waiting in line, wondering why I am being made to wait because I’m famous and shit, the customer in front of me became irate and argumentative with the cashier. He told the cashier, “Excuse me, I think you rang this up as kale when it is, in fact, a bunch of parsley.” The cashier denied making the mistake, and the customer raised his voice and started to explain again. I had no choice but to act as my body surged with adrenaline, caffeine, and laxatives. I threw my arms up in the air and yelled, “EVERYONE STAY CALM! THERE IS AN IRATE TERRORIST IN THE STORE. DON’T WORRY! I AM ADORED THE WORLD OVER AND WILL HANDLE THE SITUATION. NOBODY MOVE.” I immediately ushered Footlong, 6-inch, Maria, and all of the women and children out of the store. I proceeded to get on Facebook and Twitter and ask for advice. I was immediately inundated with people responding that I was the bravest chick they had ever met and that I was overreacting. I apologized to the cashier and customer and gave them my business card and a coupon for 50% off of their first order of personalized rubber bands if they sign up for autoship and refer three friends. I left the store with a springy pep in my step feeling good that I had served humanity in a small way and felt justified in drinking a bag of M&Ms on the way home from the life or death episode I was a part of with. No need to thank me, my dear public. You’re welcome! I have also called all of the local news stations as well as the major networks to tell them of my actions.

Footlong has been busy soaking up the summer time and sun that is almost over with a new month starting and school time approaching to boot. Tonight he is directing the Tucson Symphony Orchestra.

6-inch is….erm….well….he’s just 6-inch. He enjoys watching the Olympics with me. I rigged a 1 meter springboard atop our bathtub (we are renting) and tried to teach him an inward double somersault, but he proceeded to squeal “DA DA DA DA DA!” urinate in the water. I then fashioned a baby pommel horse for him to work on his upper body strength, and he looked at me eyes and mouth open with confusion and drool. I explained what a pommel horse is and he grabbed it and tried to gnaw on the handles. Worry about that child I do with worrisome worry that can only be defined as worried.

That is enough for right now. In dusting the entertainment center this morning I noticed that our TV has a little extra space around it from the walls of the center, so I’m off to buy a new TV that fits.

Love,
Me

Snort Jackson
Platinum sales qualifying elite consultant director princess
Acme Personalized Rubberbands
“Let me help you get your stretch on!”
520-555-BAND

This is a obviously a work of fiction. There was no terror attack at the farmers market over kale and parsley. I am not on twitter. Footlong and 6-inch  are playing with each other right now, and I am about to make macaroni and cheese for lunch. If this post didn’t make you laugh you need to get a sense of humor. And I just realized that I didn’t say “fuck” in the entire post. I’m losing my touch.

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29 thoughts on “Life and Death

  1. You are hilarious! And would make an awesome IRL friend. Can I be your #1 fan???? :)Seriously, I enjoy reading your blog. A little laugh in my very unhappy life. So thank you.

  2. Absolutely! One can never have enough #1 fans. I'm sorry you had a rough day, whoever you are. I'm sending you hugs and free range organic donuts.

  3. I'm telling you…you missed your calling! You're kind of like the modern day Erma Bombeck (I'm way old, you may never have heard of her) and I LOVE your postings! Thanks for the laughs!

  4. Damn it!You forgot the starting salt!I wrote in on the frigging list in big teal letters with my crayon.I am telling my adoptive parents on you.Love Your sister Henny

  5. Yes, your market experience brings to the fore front of my said mind,whilst I was, in our chicken coop, the pine shavings, they did, whilst bending and reaching for our free range eggs, the shavings looked so fibrous, and only partially caked with organic wastage.. I gathered said shavings, mixed with my hemp jelly ( jarred yes as they are with Acme bands, & don't worry, the glossy seepage only helps their appearance), and tossed with some 3 day old tomato peelings and a bit of avocado rind. Reminded me of French toast, only not in toast form mostly, and more rancid than sweet. But still lovely, nonetheless I say so myself. Inside of me churns liquid goodness!

  6. That wonderful, organic french toast you made from pine shavings, organic wastage, hemp jelly, and rinds sounds heavenly! And thanks for sharing the success story you had with your Acme rubberbands! I'm doing a call tonight to talk about Acme's new products. 1-520-555-BAND ID#snortisfuckingawesome

  7. That sounds like a plan, Shellie. Honestly, I don't know why you didn't do that sooner. I just read about Strawberry Jelly Donut! That TJ has a way with naming pets!

  8. Hiya Snort!I was TherapyNOW over at that other blog. Unfortunately after posting a few times that first week, I promptly forgot my Disqus password and the password for the e-mail address I created just to register. Sigh. Not the greatest of memories, here!Anyway, I just wanted to say that I still lurk and read over there but that I LOVE reading here. Your posts are so funny! I even read the product description ones to my hubby. You inspired me to start up my blog again, although it's nowhere near as funny. Still, it feels good to be writing again.Hope all is well in AZ!Dani

  9. better yet when it comes time to dust…..just leave you shit and move. Make sure the newest house is dust free, buy all new shit, and then you won't have to dust or vacuum for a good 5 or 6 months, then you just pick up, move and start it all over again. Much easier then cleaning.

  10. Hiya Dr. Dani!I'm glad you like reading here! I hope Mr. Dr. Dani liked the Dino Direct descriptions. I have no problems going over there just for the laughs it provides. I'm glad you decided to start your blog again; I'm touched that I inspired you. I think that is a first for me. LOL I visited a little bit ago and read (and also joined if you notice). AZ is fine and dandy, just hot and muggy because the summer is our rainy season. Hope all is well in NY.

  11. Does anyone have a need for a three-legged chipmunk and a blind bat who arrived by means of a purple pot belly pig? I recently decided to naysay my bills, packed up the 7 tax deductions (well technically only 3 are anymore) and left hubby a note that we were moving. He can find us later. Well, long story short, (not sure how long the internet will be on, didn't pay them either), I found a comfortable tent village down the road. Cheap, but cozy. We did kick out the four 10-year-olds who were sleeping in the village (they can go back to their parents) and before I knew it, I heard the oinking and snorting of said animal caravan that moved into tent No. B. Whilst I came on-line to ask a question of chipmunkology and rabid behaviors of purple pigs, the children gathered said intruders into a corner whilst the oldest two roped them and secured them nicely to the back of a broke-down buick that greeted our entrance into the tent village. SO, anyone have any ideas if I can list these pets on Craig's List? talk soon..mom7

  12. Thank you so much for posting. Honestly, I laugh my ass off. Well not off, it is still there. I guess I just laugh my ass wiggly? LMAW? I may have just invented something for the internet. Feel free to use it. Darlene

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