just some blurbs

It has been an interesting couple of weeks for sure to be told. Shall I tell you about it with anecdotes and recipes to boot? Me thinks I shall, says I.

Monsoon season is upon us in the desert as it returns to these parts ’round about every 26 fortnights (52 weeks, 365 days, 1 year, or whatever works for your family). Mother Nature’s sweet, warm, fragrant rains rain down upon us as we are snug and cozy inside our dwelling. The rain is so fresh. So clean. So fresh and clean. Speaking of fresh and clean, click here to enter a contest for Happy Vagina douche products! Tell us why you love being fresh and clean and enter to win a $5 Starbucks gift card. The rain doth however make weeds grow everywhere between our rocks also in our driveway cracks. I believe that weeds are people too and are worthy of God’s love and forgiveness so I have left them be without weed spray.

Footlong has started first grade or as I have decided to call it:  kindergarten the sequel. Doing well he is and liking his teacher he does. Many, many fun projects have been his thus far as he has colored and done a scavenger hunt. The school offers a lunch daily, but I think $1.90 is just too much. It breaks the bank! Almost $10 dollars a week for lunch! Therefore we have decided that he should bring his lunch everyday to help save some money for his dear family. I send him to school everyday with a bowl full of organic quinoa salad topped with medjool dates, quail eggs, caviar, and pink Himalayan salt and a baggie full of homemade trail mix (macadamia nuts, dried papaya, dried champagne mangoes, almonds, pistachios, and organic imported Belgian dark chocolate chips). He takes to drink a bottle of San Pellegrino and a box of organic milk. See? You can be frugal and healthy.

6-inch has a new tooth coming in to make a grand total of 7 in his mouth. Trying to walk is he, and for the occasion I ordered him a pair of baby Vibrams. So cute he is going to be when he is mobile in his pesudo-feet foot coverings.

J and I have been spending quality time together even though we are not talking much because we are watching the Olympics and perhaps eating this wonderful frozen dessert I invented (I had to invent something because we never eat dessert) that has milk, cream, sugar, a pinch of salt, and some fruit. I found a box that had a crank to stir the ingredients and stir I did for several, several minutes. I then thought to freeze it, and viola! I call it frozen Snort cream. Delish! For some vitamins I topped it with freshly minced drive way crack weeds. Mmmmmmmmmm.

Some of my mom friends here have been giving me some wonderful ideas on what I can do with 6-inch daily now that Footlong is receiving educational mentoring at the local brick and mortar training facility. There are music classes, mommy & me exercise classes, nature walks, etc. but that doesn’t work for our family. I have decided that we shall sojourn to our local Ritz-Carlton daily for swimming and room service in our suite which we are going to rent by the week. Free shit may work for your family, but that’s not how we roll. Make sense now?

I sneezed this morning and blew snot everywhere–literally a distance of 10 feet. I was going to take a picture for Instagram, but I can’t find my phone. I don’t cuss, except for when I do, but if I did, which I will I’d say that fucking sucks. I need to find my phone and photograph my snot rocket.

Before I forget if you or a loved one are in the market for all-natural, organic, free-range personalized rubber bands please let me know! Now you can get a gross of rubber bands personalized with the slogan or name of your choice for $99.99. I have enjoyed these rubber bands. They hold papers together beautifully, and they have cured my messiness, disorganization, headaches, flatulence, morning breath, and have given me a great tan! Hit me up for the deets or you can dial into our team building call tonight! My e-mail is dotdotdotDOTdot@gmailDOTcom

Yours in rubber bands and health,

Snort

 

This is obviously a work of fiction. We don’t go to the Ritz Carlton. Footlong has yogurt, pepperoni, an apple, and pretzels in his lunch; he buys milk at school. Hevel, I fit the world “viola” in here just for you, and I used it wrong as well! I don’t sell rubberbands, and the douche contest is totally a joke. Duh. Admit it though…you clicked on the blue word, didn’t you?
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17 thoughts on “just some blurbs

  1. Ha! I confess, I did not click the blue word but I do have some advice for you – I’d check Footlong’s backpack for your phone. Apparently it’s the latest thing genius kids do… they steal your phone and bring it with them in order to manipulate you into going to places you weren’t invited. Like school. Or possibly a camping trip.

    Jennifer

    • Thanks! I’m so glad you commented to say hello 🙂 I was reading your blog, and I hate you had a seizure! YIKES! Are you guys from the Chandler-Gilbert area? We’ve been here in Tucson (or as I lovingly refer to it: Satan’s Asshole) for 9 years now. How old are the kiddos?

      • I grew up here. We actually spend our summers in the upper Midwest (near JM actually! ) and winters in AZ. We Homeschool our kids so it works for us. We have a 8 year old, a 6 year old and a 3 year old.

      • Cool. Are y’all just getting to AZ now or are you will in the Midwest? Do you guys have houses in both places or do like a Class A or 5th wheel?

  2. I’m so relieved that you are still mocking a certain someone’s writing. It makes me laugh more than you can imagine.

    • I’m glad you’re laughing! And I don’t know what you’re talking about *cough, cough, wink, wink* I’m just writing some really crappy fiction 🙂

  3. You’re right. I did try to click on the blue word, just to see what it would do. I enjoy your snarkiness and am always excited to see a new blog post in my reader.

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