A Smashing Tuesday!

Good morning y’all! Did you know that I say “y’all?” Well I do. It is because my college roommate’s brother’s ex-girlfriend’s second cousin was from Georgia, so that makes me a Southerner too! Y’all, y’all, y’all!

My Tuesday is going just smashingly. Really. It is. No, seriously. It is. Today I had a team building session via Skype with the Acme Rubber Band sales and design team, and I am so pumped! There were 12 of us skyping and sharing testimonials about these wonderful all-natural bands. I took a picture of myself skyping. See?





Do you or anyone you know suffer from a messy desk, disorganization, lost papers, breast cancer, hemorrhoids, ingrown toenails, heart disease, depression, or schizophrenia? If so you would be amazed at the healing powers these products have. I suffered horribly from being about 100 pounds overweight. I had no self-esteem and was so tired. Not anymore. Can you see how thin I am?





If you’re interested in these all-natural rubber bands and improving your quality of life to my level then shoot me an email at dotdotdotdotDOTdotATgmailDOTcom.


A wonderful dinner was ours last night. You didn’t know I could cook? Well I do! Ahem. I made homemade polenta and cashew butter and topped it with a mixture of canned tuna, cilantro, garbonzo beans, onion, habanero peppers, mustard greens, and raw eggs. I topped it with chia seeds, finishing salt, and Smucker’s Magic Shell ice cream topping. The kids raved about it! Mr. Snort praised me to no end. I don’t cuss but if I did which I will I’d say that I am too fucking awesome for words.


Footlong is enjoying his educational mentoring. At the brick and mortar training center. Last night he recited Poe’s “The Telltale Heart” and then did a wee bit of calculus. Graphing functions was his as I made him an egg and rubber band smoothie for brain power. He is so brilliant. Just this past weekend he built a California king bed out of a mirror, 3 guitar strings, a bag of cotton balls, a can of Lysol, and a handful of safety pins. I took a picture of him hard at work:





6-inch has been sick with pneumonia. I took him to the dr. but he said it was just a cold. Just a cold! I told him that I am almost a doctor and that my professional opinion was that 6-inch was approaching respiratory failure and needed to be institutionalized immediately where he could have access to scientists, more doctors, and free Wi-Fi to meet my Tweeting/Facebooking/Instagramming/Blogging/Emailing needs. We are at home now and 6-inch is completing a course of anabolic steroids. I figured that if he needed steroids for airway inflammation then we could just go ahead and use the ones to help him build muscle to boot. Just look at my babe before:





And look at sweetly smiling 6-inch after:




I don’t cuss except for when I do but if I did which I will I would say that I am fucking awesome at this mothering shit. Speaking of mothering, ahem, I took the kids to the park yesterday. Yes. I took a photo. See?




Look at how much fun their having! Afterwords I took them for McDonalds. I made them eat salad and I had a #10, super-mega-biggie-king-upsized, with a hairy goat milkshake. And since Instagram and blogs are nothing more than a vehicle for food photos, I took a picture of my meal for you my loyal fans:




Errrrr…..that’s not right. But look at what my wonderful products have done for me!




This is a really terrible work of fiction. It pained me to take pictures of my feet for your viewing displeasure. 6-inch had the croup, and he is all better. Footlong loves school and doesn’t know who in the fuck Poe is. Last night for dinner we had BBQ pork ribs, lima beans, and mashed potatoes. Did you notice that I fit “their” and “afterwords” in the post? LOL. I kill myself.

37 thoughts on “A Smashing Tuesday!

  1. Those pictures are amazing. You are a super smoking mega hot mama! I must, MUST get some of those bands you’re using. Ah, if only I could experience your quality of life…… so jealous. I just don’t know how you do it.

    • Thank you for worshipping me. I am awesome. Amazing. Super smoking indeed. I’m glad I’m not the only one who sees this. That said, buy my rubber bands!

  2. I am just a lurker at MWOP (I don’t think I even know how to post over there!) but I wanted to tell you that you are hilarious & I love your blog. I willl send you a lot, a lot of money via paypal as soon as I figure out where to put that pesky dot in your email…

  3. your pediatrician wouldn’t admit your son to the hospital for his cold??!!! omg, you need a new doc, you missed out on some really terrific room service -chinese chicken stir fry… Dont worry, ill still send you some gift cards and organize some childcare and meal deliveries for your family. you deserve it. of course.

    • Thank you, Hailey! Please also arrange for a massage, mani/pedi, Botox, and a facial. I also need a cashmere sweater, a Birkin bag, and 24 cartons of almond milk. You’re welcome for the opportunity to pamper me!

  4. As the medical physician is clearly out of date and not in touch with the new season, I am sending you a lovely package to cure what has put 6 inch in a funk. Please make sure you have your mailbox open as a package of chocolate milk and Xyngstix are on the way. Now, I also have noticed that those steroids you speak of has caused 6 inch to ..well… gain some mass. Now due to a special this month, I can also send you some prune juice with slim fast added (my own nutritional supplements) to help rid the poor boy of his bulk. Perhaps that caged area that you keep the child is hindering his growth patterns. Never fear, I also have come up with a superb blend of ingredients to cure hindered growth patterns. I will be sending six inch a saw and chisel to escape said caged device you are using along with some Miracle Grow in capsule form, so that he can sprinkle that in his bottle of milk each morning. Thus, creating a super genius baby. your welcome.

    Now, for you, I see that you have perfect teeth, I am assuming your dental professional has told you that countless times, especially when you were two. Because of the wonderful picture you have included of your near perfect teef, you are going to be on the cover of Hillybilly Holiday, the christmas edition. Congratulations.

    p.s. Please rush two large boxes of the specialized rubber bands you are hawking, my muffler fell off yesterday and I need some assistance. STAT.

    • I have shipped your rubber bands and have taken the liberty to enroll you in autoship. You’re welcome! 6-inch is enjoying the spiked milk, Slim Fast, and Prunes. We’re starting the Miracle Gro tomorrow.

  5. Cracking up over here as always! You’re such an amazing mom, I don’t know how you do it, can I have the recipe for your mustard green/raw egg/tuna thing?, and I emailed you about the bands but haven’t heard back. I must’ve forgotten the dot….but I want to be as skinny as your legs!!

  6. Snort, I want to buy your products, and afterwords we can go to Target together! What do you think? I would love to meet you!!! You are awesome and I want to be you when I grow up!

  7. When that last pix popped up on my screen I jumped a mile!!!!!♥ Sorry Snort, your Bands did not impress me, will stick with the ones off of my Daily Newspapper.

    • Aw, Marley! I’m terribly sorry you weren’t impressed by my rubber bands. Next week I’m hosting a “Stretch and Fetch” at Office Depot—maybe you can come by for some free samples?

    • Awwww, thank you! You are awesome too, I’m sure! And those herringbone flats—would you believe I got them at Family Dollar for $7.50? I’ve had them 5 years, and I love them!

  8. I was laughing so hard while reading this that I actually had tears coming out of my eyes. Omg, this was hilarious!!!

    Oh, and you have the most beautiful children. I wish my children were as cute as yours. And I want your tattoo. And your child’s crib. And to follow you around carrying the train of your robe because you are so full of the awesome and I am not. 😀

    • You know what, Kate? Today has been kind of a shitty day. Knowing that I made someone laugh so hard they cried makes me feel a little less shitty! And, please, worship me all you like and send me weekly tithes. You’re welcome!

  9. You say y’all, but how about the Brooklyn inspired “youz guys”? Do you have any sister’s cousin’s boyfriend’s fathers in Brooklyn?

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