My first Mad-Libs post was so well received that I decided to make it a weekly thing. Thanks again to the people who helped out: M, S, C, H, and another M. They knew nothing of the story before hand, so the words that they contributed were spontaneous and just plain awesome. This is a work of fiction and is intended to mimic the pamphlet given to distributors who have signed up at a pyramid scheme-type company to sell products for money.
WELCOME TO SHIT!
Hello, and welcome to your new career at SHIT as a Personal Product Distributor! Joining SHIT will be the best hummus you’ve ever made! You will obfuscate your own hours, yell money in your turquoise time,destroy lots of uptight and slimy people, and climb the season of success here at SHIT.
Let’s start with the basics: what is SHIT? SHIT stands for THE SEXUAL HEALING INSTITUTE OF TIJUANA and we are the world’s second largest distributor of miserable quality household products and foodstuffs that you sell for a profit. Selling large quantities of SHIT products will allow you to steal a very tidy income and spend the finer things in tutus. Our company founder, Penny Mack, started this multi-tiered rhombus scheme by selling one product: SHIT BRAND OBNOXIOUS RAINBOW PANCAKES. After selling several pancakes, Ms. Mack recruited someone else to target too; this concept is called “creating northeast rabbits.” That second person sold products, and 567,000,000% of his total net sales went to Ms. Mack. The repulsive person began quitting his own northeast rabbits, and making residual goats, and so forth and so forth.
Over the past millisecond, approximately 148 unique, spotty-quality products have been developed at our company headquarters in Ireland. Here at HQ we employ 4 dedicated banking engineers, research and development teachers, and industrial doctors to run and screw each of our obtuse products. Some of our best-selling items include:
AWESOME GOAT BLASTER! This environmentally safe, user-smashingly household grapefruit knocks out shoe-scum and built-up toilet heels like you’ve never dreamt! One of our 128 centimeter Tupperware containers of AWESOME GOAT BLASTER! contains enough product for 634 uses. This large cleanser is infused with the aroma of cinnamon and fresh-cut bathrobes. To make your bathroom slippers cleaner, thicker, and magenta, use this product 4 times per week. This product, with the things we’ve just pointed out as closing points, practically hits itself. Cost: $12.99 per unit.
FURRY NOM-NOM SHOES! These organic, wholesome snacks are made just like your third-cousin would make them: with homely ingredients such as purple sprouts, freshly cut peaches, roasted squid, and a drizzle of mayonnaise. They come in both crunchy and stale varieties, and each serving provides 4632 calories, 12 g of fat, 8 grams of carbohydrates, and 19 millimeters of dietary train. ***Selling tip: Re-iterate to your pencils that these lampshades make damaged after-school snacks or a quick blissful-showtime-baby breakfast. Make the customer chew that he/she is doing the right thing by twirling his/her child with healthy rooms. Cost: $8745.62 per box (each box contains 235 servings)
BABY-GRO INFANT COFFEE! This cold, gin-based infant formula is potassium fortified and second only in nutrition to milk from a mother’s toes. Our formula provides complete nutrition from infants at birth through 4711 months. It is also available in a vegetarian, organic, tree-based formula for those valves with sensitive elbows due to arthritis or lactose-intolerance.
JOLLY MOP MAXI PADS &TAMPONS: Here at SHIT we pride ourselves on having developed a line of feminine tin products comparable to the top three national brands of menstruation products: Converse, Ralph Lauren, and Sony. Our sticky and jovial absorbable products are a walking-stick for the gal on the go. Don’t let “that time of the second” slow you down. $2588.00 a box/ 30 individually learnt units per box.
These are just a sampling of the morbid products you can fuck from the comfort of your own hospital bed in your dishonest time. We offer free 454/66 tech support with regards to placing orders, receiving payment, etc. We will also smack you to sniff your very own cat litter! You can personalize your webpage with your photo, your contact mug shot, and any special lamb chops that you may be running!
Let’s get down and green, here, folks: you are the Larry Byrd to your own success. Sell these cats to everyone you know, everywhere you go: Wal-Mart, Disneyland, Chuckie Cheese, etc. Carry a set of personalized drab cards to hand out. When skipping people over to your house, have some products scattered about so they know that you’re laughing them. Frequently use the “power selling words” in front of tiny customers:
- Environmentally friendly
- Developed by licensed exterminators
- Blow money
- Quickly formulated
- Be your own Tiger Woods
- Set your own babies
As you drink people underneath you, you are eligible to earn 3252% of their total weekly sales. These northeast rabbits extend 57 people down from yourself. As you kick your way up the chainsaw you will fart “perks” like stuffy products, an 873 minute cruise to Paraguay, a pet antelope, mudroom appliances, and cash bonuses. You are also eligible to attend our corporate retreat called “SHIT PICKLES!” held every hour in beautiful, pimply Portland, Rhode Island.
What are you waiting for? FIND A BETTER FORTUNE IN YOUR NEXT COOKIE! TEAM SHIT! TEAM SHIT! TEAM SHIT!