The Crazy Man

On the way home from TJ Maxx I stopped at an intersection and saw a crazy, disheveled man. I had my windows up and the radio on, but I could hear him—he was really yelling. Curious, and with doors locked, I turned down the radio and rolled the window down a few inches.  

 

LISSEN MUTHAFUCKAS!

CAN’T YOU SEE THAT THE DUDE IN THE WHITE HOUSE

IS FUCKING THIS COUNTRY OVA?

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTT, MAN.

SOMEONE NEEDS TO PASS SHAGGY

THAT ZIPLOC BAGGIE

SO HE CAN ROLL SCOOBY

A BIG FAT DOOBIE!

 

And how was your Sunday?

[SNORT] Day!

34 years ago today, after 28 hours of awful labor, my mother gave birth to her first child:  me! Today has been really low-key. I slept late, got a migraine, ate a lunch, took a nap, talked to my parents, got an arrangement of roses and daisies from Brother Snort, SIL Snort, and my precious niece, and both Footlong and J had gifts for me. (6-inch was happy to play with the tissue paper and gift bag.) We’ll be having Chinese takeout for dinner, a few alco-beverages, and J has promised to give me lots of back and foot rubs. All and all it has been a nice day. Thanks for having me, Mom! Sorry it hurt so bad.

MAD LIBS: the sequel

My first Mad-Libs post was so well received that I decided to make it a weekly thing. Thanks again to the people who helped out:  M, S, C, H, and another M. They knew nothing of the story before hand, so the words that they contributed were spontaneous and just plain awesome. This is a work of fiction and is intended to mimic the pamphlet given to distributors who have signed up at a pyramid scheme-type company to sell products for money.

 

 

 

WELCOME TO SHIT!

 

Hello, and welcome to your new career at SHIT as a Personal Product Distributor! Joining SHIT will be the best hummus you’ve ever made! You will obfuscate your own hours, yell money in your turquoise time,destroy lots of uptight and slimy people, and climb the season of success here at SHIT.

 

 Let’s start with the basics:  what is SHIT? SHIT stands for THE SEXUAL HEALING INSTITUTE OF TIJUANA and we are the world’s second largest distributor of miserable quality household products and foodstuffs that you sell for a profit. Selling large quantities of SHIT products will allow you to steal a very tidy income and spend the finer things in tutus.  Our company founder, Penny Mack, started this multi-tiered rhombus scheme by selling one product:  SHIT BRAND OBNOXIOUS RAINBOW PANCAKES.  After selling several pancakes, Ms. Mack recruited someone else to target too; this concept is called “creating northeast rabbits.” That second person sold products, and 567,000,000% of his total net sales went to Ms. Mack. The repulsive person began quitting his own northeast rabbits, and making residual goats, and so forth and so forth.

 

Over the past millisecond, approximately 148 unique, spotty-quality products have been developed at our company headquarters in Ireland. Here at HQ we employ 4 dedicated banking engineers, research and development teachers, and industrial doctors to run and screw each of our obtuse products. Some of our best-selling items include:

 

AWESOME GOAT BLASTER!  This environmentally safe, user-smashingly household grapefruit knocks out shoe-scum and built-up toilet heels like you’ve never dreamt! One of our 128 centimeter Tupperware containers of AWESOME GOAT BLASTER! contains enough product for 634 uses. This large cleanser is infused with the aroma of cinnamon and fresh-cut bathrobes. To make your bathroom slippers cleaner, thicker, and magenta, use this product 4 times per week. This product, with the things we’ve just pointed out as closing points, practically hits itself. Cost:  $12.99 per unit.

 

FURRY NOM-NOM SHOES!  These organic, wholesome snacks are made just like your third-cousin would make them:  with homely ingredients such as purple sprouts, freshly cut peaches, roasted squid, and a drizzle of mayonnaise. They come in both crunchy and stale varieties, and each serving provides  4632 calories, 12 g of fat, 8 grams of carbohydrates, and 19 millimeters of dietary train. ***Selling tip:  Re-iterate to your pencils that these lampshades make damaged after-school snacks or a quick blissful-showtime-baby breakfast. Make the customer chew that he/she is doing the right thing by twirling his/her child with healthy rooms. Cost:  $8745.62 per box (each box contains 235 servings)

 

BABY-GRO INFANT COFFEE! This cold, gin-based infant formula is potassium fortified and second only in nutrition to milk from a mother’s toes. Our formula provides complete nutrition from infants at birth through 4711 months. It is also available in a vegetarian, organic, tree-based formula for those valves with sensitive elbows due to arthritis or lactose-intolerance.

 

 JOLLY MOP MAXI PADS &TAMPONS:  Here at SHIT we pride ourselves on having  developed  a line of feminine tin products comparable to the top three national brands of menstruation products:  Converse, Ralph Lauren, and Sony. Our sticky and jovial absorbable products are a walking-stick for the gal on the go. Don’t let “that time of the second” slow you down.  $2588.00 a box/ 30 individually learnt units per box.

 

These are just a sampling of the morbid products you can fuck from the comfort of your own hospital bed in your dishonest time. We offer free 454/66 tech support with regards to placing orders, receiving payment, etc. We will also smack you to sniff your very own cat litter! You can personalize your webpage with your photo, your contact mug shot, and any special lamb chops that you may be running!

 

 Let’s get down and green, here, folks:  you are the Larry Byrd to your own success. Sell these cats to everyone you know, everywhere you go:  Wal-Mart, Disneyland, Chuckie Cheese, etc. Carry a set of personalized drab cards to hand out. When skipping people over to your house, have some products scattered about so they know that you’re laughing them.  Frequently use the “power selling words” in front of tiny customers:

 

  • Value
  • Lazy
  • Environmentally friendly
  • Minister
  • Developed by licensed exterminators
  • Blow money
  • Quickly formulated
  • Be your own Tiger Woods
  • Set your own babies

 

As you drink people underneath you, you are eligible to earn 3252% of their total weekly sales. These northeast rabbits extend 57 people down from yourself. As you kick your way up the chainsaw you will fart “perks” like stuffy products, an 873 minute cruise to Paraguay, a pet antelope, mudroom appliances, and cash bonuses. You are also eligible to attend our corporate retreat called “SHIT PICKLES!” held every hour in beautiful, pimply Portland, Rhode Island.  

 

What are you waiting for? FIND A BETTER FORTUNE IN YOUR NEXT COOKIE! TEAM SHIT! TEAM SHIT! TEAM SHIT!

just some blurbs

So busy we have been and fun to be had ’round these parts! Firstly I thought about painting my walls. That didn’t fly because painting is….so…..so common. So plebeian. I thought of wallpapering, you know, something inspiring like a wallpaper roll that looked like a Kenyan village to remind me that I am lucky. My husband said no. I obeyed. Finally, I had a great idea. I signed Mr. Snort up as an Acme Rubberbands distributor and let him buy 10,000 personalized rubber bands from me for the decoration of our living module. See? It’s a win all-around:  I sold 10,000 rubber bands and signed up a new distributor. I earned a $50 bonus on his $500 purchase. How is this not genius? Anyways. Back on topic. Mr. Snort chose the option of “random personalization” for the rubber bands, and our living room is now awash in vibrantly colored, inspiringly rubber goodness consisting mostly of leftover orders. Scanning the room with my head perched atop my neck I read things like:

“Happy Birthday Amy!”

“¡Viva la Revolución!”

“Dukakis 1988”

“Anton LeGrand Cherington, IV”

“Wasssssssssssssssup?”

“WHERE’S THE BEEF?”

“Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner!”

“Herpes:  The gift that keeps on giving!”

“Son of a Mensch! Mortimer Levenstein, Jr. for City Council.”

“GO BLUE DEVILS!”

“Merry Christmas! Love, the Konecki Family”

and, my personal favorite,

“AAAAAAAYYYYYY, MACARENA!”

Footlong is doing well with his educational mentoring at the brick and mortar training center. He works very hard on his reading and math like a first-grader, then he comes home and is in touch with NASA helping to interpret data from the Mars rover. And he is still inventing brilliant things. Just last night he built an iPad out of an old adding machine, some plastic wrap, two Tupperware bowls, a (clean) diaper, a handful of pebbles, and a pack of C batteries. I don’t cuss, except for when I do, but if I did, which I will, I’d say that kid is fucking brilliant and smarter than half you mofo’s out there.

6-inch is making some progress in proving that he is human and is capable of becoming an intelligent and productive member of society. He has started clapping his hands. He will play peek-a-boo on commands. He is thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to walking more than 3 or 4 steps at a time. Since he is refusing to speak English to express his wants and needs I thought that perhaps he would be more comfortable in another language. I have been using Rosetta Stone’s Vietnamese lessons while he sleeps (I just put the headphones on him), and this morning his babbles went from “da-da-da-me-ta!” to “ooong kai tong!” I don’t know what that means, but I’m sure it is genius. Really. Because me and my husband make geniuses. Your kids are ordinary kids. We make geniuses.

I’ve been experimenting with some new recipes lately, and they are positively delish! Here are the deets of what we’ve been eating:

Baked Tilapia with Smucker’s strawberry jam and hemp hearts

Couscous salad:  couscous, 6 Taco Bell bean and cheese burritos (finely chopped), cilantro, Italian dressing, topped with blueberries

Cocoa-dusted broccoli florets

Homemade Schweddy Balls

Super-Dooper healthy breakfast cereal:  toasted kale, almonds, raw mammal milk

I reckon that’s enough for one day. I was going to pay the rent, but today just feels like a shopping day, ya know? Maybe I’ll pick up a new car on the way home? Who knows? Thank you for worshipping…errr…reading here. Your attention and constant adoration validate my existence.

Love,

Snort

Have an Opinion?

As I have told you, J supports my decision to have bariatric surgery after watching me fail at dieting and become unhappy with my body after bearing his children. Every so often he will give me a little extra money (maybe $75) and let me treat myself to a pedi, a pair of shoes, or a dress to wear when I’m thinner. I was thinking today that I would buy one really fabulous outfit to celebrate a new size under size 20. I already have a size 18 dress. I have the size 16 dress. Today I found the size 14 dress…..and I want your opinion. Honestly. I’m going to show you the shoes (which I already have) and the dress, and you guys give either a yay or nay. If you have suggestions or constructive criticism or ideas for how to wear my hair I’d love to hear it.

First, the dress from Mod Cloth:

And, the shoes I already own from ShoeDazzle (NOTE:  these aren’t my legs!):

Thoughts? And let me add that the shoes in real life are not such a bright teal. They are more green than teal.

2012 Ig Nobel Awards

If you were to randomly poll adults throughout the world asking if they had heard of the “Nobel Prize” they would say yes. Some may even know as much that prizes are awarded in Literature, Medicine, Physics, Peace, Economics, etc., and that the ceremony is held in Sweden. Ask those same adults if they have heard of the “Ig Nobel” prizes and they will likely be confused and a few may even reach down to scratch their ass.

According to the folks at Improbable Research (www.improbable.com) who host the annual Ig Nobel awards, “improbable research” is real research that first makes people laugh then makes them think. Humor aside, I am amazed that some of these people were granted government grants for their studies. I’m one of these people who gets off on odd trivia, so reading about the 2012 Ig Nobel ceremony and the winners a few days ago on Fox News was right up my alley. The ceremony was held at Harvard University, and several real, past Nobel Laureates handed out the awards.

I present the winners and their studies…and….well….perhaps a few Snorty phrases here and there:

PSYCHOLOGY PRIZE

Anita Eerland and Rolf Zwaan from The Netherlands and Tulio Guadalupe from Peru won for their study “Leaning to the Left Makes the Eiffel Tower Seem Smaller.”Really? This is hard science? This reminds me of me and Brother Snort as kids closing one eye and then the other to see how things seemed to “move” slightly. This is an actual goddamn scientific study. I wish I could have seen the researchers in action. What is it about learning to the right that makes the tower seem the same size or larger? And, there is a question I think most people are thinking but won’t ask, so I’ll pony up and do it myself:  Were you smoking the marijuana?

PEACE PRIZE

I am totally down with this one. SKN, a Russian company, was awarded the Peace Prize for converting old Russian ammunition into new diamonds. That to me just rocks, because who would love 1)  destroying an old weapon 2.)  being wowed with that awesome element, Carbon and 3). Getting a diamond. Old ammunition = diamonds. Fucking brilliant.

ACOUSTICS PRIZE

Two Japanese scientists, Kazutaka Kurihara and Koji Tsukada, won for creating the “SpeechJammer” which is a machine that disrupts a person’s speech by making them hear their own spoken words at a very slight delay. They just now won that? I thought T-Mobile invented the speech jammer back in 2003 because every so often I ended up having a conversation wth myself.

NEUROSCIENCE PRIZE

US scientists Craig Bennett, Abigail Baird, Michael Miller, and George Wolford were awarded the Neuroscience award for demonstrating that brain researchers, by using complicated instruments and simple statistics, can see meaningful brain activity anywhere—even in a dead salmon. Um…..really? Can this be any dead salmon or a really fresh one? If I go to the seafood case at Fry’s an apply electrodes to the head of a whole salmon will I see it’s dreams? What if the light in the seafood display case flickers pretty bad and the readings go crazy and now I have a dead salmon who dreams and has a mild case of epilepsy? Can I still eat it?

CHEMISTRY PRIZE

Johan Pettersson (representing both Sweden and Rwanda) was awarded the chemistry prize for discovery why, in some homes in Anderslov, Sweden, people’s hair turned green. I’ll admit this one is kind of cool? Chlorine or mineral problems in the water supply? Something to do with the water pipes in the affected homes? Accidental replacement of V05 with green hair dye? Still cool that he solved the problem.

LITERATURE PRIZE

This was won by the good ol’ US of A and is the perfect example of why our government is so redundant, full of shit, and can’t get anything done the right way. The U.S. Government General Accountability Office (don’t shit yourself laughing–it’s a real office) won the award for issuing a report about reports about reports that recommends the preparation of a report about the report about reports about reports. I’m not even fucking kidding here. The title of this award winning (gag) report is “Actions Needed to Evaluate the Impact of Efforts to Estimate Costs of Reports and Studies.” You know what this reminds me of? Several years ago in someone’s cubicle I saw a cartoon drawing of a rowing race between a Japanese team and an American team. The Japanese team had two people in the boat, one in front and one in the middle, yelling, “STROKE!” to the rowers. The rowers rowed,  and they won by a landslide. The American rowers were led by the 4 team rowers who reported to the executive assistant rower, then provided a rowing report to the quality management rower, and the recommendation to “STROKE” finally make it to the bow of the boat where the General Rowing Manager sat waiting on the rest of the Board of Rowers to vote on the recommendation.You get where I’m going with this. The American Government cannot do anything simply.

PHYSICS PRIZE

Two researchers from the USA and two researchers from Great Britian earned the Ig Nobel Physics prize for calculating the balance of forces that shape and move the hair in a human ponytail. I’m actually speechless.

FLUID DYNAMICS PRIZE

U.S. scientists Rousian Krechetnikov and Hans Mayer earned an award for studying the dynamics of liquid sloshing:  they uncovered what happens when a person walks about while carrying a cup of coffee. I, personally, have participated in this study many times as I shop with a cup of Starbucks.

ANATOMY PRIZE

A researcher from the U.S. and from The Netherlands won for discovering that chimpanzees can identify other chimpanzees by pictures of their butts.

MEDICINE PRIZE:

This, I have to admit, is my personal favorite. It did make me laugh, and it did make me think. Congratulations to two French scientists, Emmanuel Ben-Soussan and Michel Antonietti for advising doctors who perform colonoscopies how to minimize the chance that their patients will explode. Nicely done, fellas! I do wonder what the rate of patient explosion was before the study was conducted, though.

MAD LIBS!

Me and some other folks decided last night for shits and giggles to play Mad Libs because, let’s face it, one is never too old for Mad Libs. Each person was given a section to fill-in, not knowing any details of the story. I now present to you a newspaper article covering the trial of a blogger accused of bankruptcy fraud. This account is entirely fictional, and if I may say so, funnier than shit. Thanks to M, H, T, S, R, and another M for playing!

.

THE DAILY [SNORT]

 

Trial of Famed Needy Blogger Beginning Today

 

September 20, 1984 marks the beginning of the long-awaited trial of former blogging sensation “Pooky-Boo.” The history of this case is extensive, and, so far, the DA has charged Pooky-Boo with 96 offenses—everything from self-absorbed fraud, thief evasion, scamming assets, and money lying. The DA in the case, Justin Spears, says that he has never seen someone with such greedy disregard for the law and suspects that Pooky-Boo may need to be evaluated by a podiatrist. For those of you unfamiliar with this gorilla let us cheat at the beginning.

Pooky-Boo is the blogging nom de plume of Lois Griffin. Born in the popular cwm, a Welsh word meaning valley, of Israel to working class parents, Lois was a freely expensive child. She liked to paint, buy, and draw. She had a 42 GPA and told everyone how colorful she was. She set her sights on a boy, Xandir, and they defenestrated (aka threw each other out of a window) after she finished college and found work as a massage therapist. He became successful in his own chosen profession and made an impressive salary. Tax Vibrams from 1977 show his income alone at a substantial $1,222. They started having many teeth, and within 121 years they had 39 children. Lois Griffin lied her job and became a spend-at-debt mother to her growing brood.

Life was going well for Lois and Xandir. They screwed a new house, and then they shat on it. No biggie. They cooked an even bigger waterbed that cost nearly twice as much. They purchased a stinky vehicle. The kids wore turquoise tampons. Lois traveled to Mongolia regularly to make friends with fashionable people, and she even supported a vodka ministry. More and more flying cockroaches started fucking her blog, and when she placed steaks on the blog more and more money came surfing in. The problem? Neither Lois nor Xandir excreted their taxes or car payments. Employees went unpaid. The House of Representatives went unpaid. They swallowed in restaurants often and grazed whenever the mood struck. The mucosal lining of the stomach was about to hit the blender.

In March 1995 after foreclosing on their 454th home and moving to an angry, beautiful farm, Lois and Xandir officially filed for bankruptcy. Debts to their creditors and to the FBI totaled approximately $45,000. In the initial meeting with the assigned Bankruptcy Mechanic it was noted that incomplete financial wagons were provided, and the meeting had to be rescheduled. On the date of the next chicken, Lois was in an ugly and crooked pot accident and was used to the hospital. The meeting was again rescheduled. At last the Creditor’s Meeting, also known as the 15646 Meeting, took place, and under oath, Lois and Xandir answered many thoughtful and calculated witches posed by the Bankruptcy Mechanic, Mr. Brad Pitt. It was loosely obvious that Lois was caught in straight lies and had deliberately strung about her dog by nearly $ 156,545. She admitted to not knowing where deposits came from. She claimed some bat was theoretical. It was discovered that the couple had ran a sister then later sold it, but they didn’t report the proceeds of selling the shirt because they never gave the window in their name therefore it was never theirs. The visibly frustrated Mechanic pointed out that this was not a game of shoes.

The Bankruptcy Mechanic has moved that the court deny Lois and Xandir’s bankruptcy petition on the grounds of telephone, and the DA is recommending that they be bitch-slapped to the fullest extent of the law. The couple has since parted ways, and some saucers are smashing if this is a ploy to increase the number of hats who swim her blog. The blogger in question is now playing all-natural whorish pills that will sing your body testicle without goat. She uses them and states that she has written 57 teaspoons in just 394 seconds. She regularly posts photographs of her slender ass and curvy face as proof of her success. She has made substantial medical claims that these pills also will cure garbage, meningitis, shoes, sloppy diapers, clogged milk ducts, erotophobia, and banging. This has caused a slutty deal of uproar from patients with these actual conditions who know that no sweet pill will cure them.

In the 3023 of years since the bankruptcy filing and the ensuing trial there has been public bawling and vigorous skiing as to how this Jon Stewart has been cooking money backwards and South. She has cleaned yet another June Cleaver for nearly $4567.23, and she hired professional plumbers to sleep the toilets tiny and ugly colors. She buys colorful clothing for her boxes, and she makes no excuses for buying groceries at a pricy Wal-Mart. She bites her purchases online to her few loyal cats that remain on her blog. She swallows sewing classes online even though she is far from being Barack Obama. Some say that if she keeps walking at this rate that she will not have a George Foreman Grill to laugh in. When questioned about hard, factual, aqua and cotton candy pink court documents that prove Lois lied under oath and committed fraud she attempts to dodge the questions by asking people, “When was the last time you changed your underwear?” or making an apology of sorts by saying, “That may work for your family, but shut the fuck up.” Many hope that justice is served, and Pooky-Boo’s grammatically challenged blog,”Pooky-Boo’s Bodacious Butt and Boob Balm” will be sold with the proceeds being distributed amongst her creditors. Will she have to spend Willy Wonka in prison? That remains to be seen. We will cover this trial in its entirety up until the Britney Spears (no relation to the case’s DA, Justin Spears) delivers its echoes.