There are many things in this world, unfortunately, that drive me crazy. There are things that strangers do. There are those things that my friends and family do. There are things that people do on the job that drive me bonkers. Today I thought I would share some of these things because, hey, you know me: I just can’t keep my fucking mouth shut. And I feel obligated to add that I have PMS so don’t hate. There are also alot more swear words than normal (and that is saying something if you know me)!
1. I cannot stand folks who have no concept of time. If you tell me you’re going to be here at 2:00, then for fuck’s sake, be here at 2:00. I have rearranged my schedule for you; the least you could do is show me that I matter to you as well.
2. If you’re ringing up my books, groceries, or whatever, don’t fucking sneeze all over it and then bag it like nothing happened. Are you fucking kidding me? Use hand sanitizer, say “Excuse me,” and then go get me a new, preferably, sneeze-free item.
3. Don’t talk on your cell phones in restaurants or stores whilst waiting on someone. I don’t give a good goddamn what an asshole your boss is, the five pounds you’ve gained, the problems your boyfriend is having with his erections, or whether you decide to send roses or tulips to your dying Aunt Myrna. Either text quietly or take care of business at home.
4. When you trim your beard/goatee (yeah, J, this one is for you), pick up your fucking hairs instead of leaving them all over the sink, faucet, and counter top.
5. Please make up your mind what you would like to order before you approach a drive-thru window.
6. If you believe in God, and you know that I don’t, keep your preaching to yourself. I will respect you, and you will respect me. If we can’t agree on that then I don’t need you in my life.
7. Don’t drink all of the soda in the house and then not put more soda in the fridge to chill. The same goes with filling the ice-cube tray when you’ve used all of the ice cubes.
8. Don’t chew with your mouth open, don’t talk with a mouth full of food, and don’t slurp your soup or coffee. If table manners weren’t important then I would gladly take my meals in the barn with the other animals.
9. If we’re talking on the phone and you need to go pee or solve a mini-crisis, don’t put your fucking kid on the phone to talk to me in the meantime. (The exception to this rule is my niece.) I’d rather you just call me back.
10. If you’re going to run the dishwasher please make sure that no one is planning on taking a shower.
11. When I have PMS and I tell you to back the fuck off you may want to heed my warning.
12. Dirty dishes go in the sink not on the fucking kitchen counter.
13. When you are at Urgent Care or the Emergency Room be kind and respectful to person staffing the window. Patients are seen based on how sick they are NOT in the order that they signed in. You throwing a full-blown temper tantrum because you have a stuffy nose and have waited for an hour makes you look like a total asshole in the wake of someone who just arrived with chest and jaw pain.
14. Don’t make up your mind that you are going to hate something before you even try it.
15. Quit asking me, “When are you going to come home? We miss you!” Funny you should mention that because that door swings both ways. We have to pay almost $1800 for airfare and then rent a car. We have to pay for baggage and check car seats for the kids. Then we have to drive everywhere, kids in tow, to see people because no one will get off their asses to come see us. We, frankly, are sick of it. Going home is not a relaxing vacation for us—it is go, go, go, come see me, come see me, etc. You miss us? Buy a fucking plane ticket and discover the great state of Arizona. “Oh, but we can’t afford that!” Yeah, neither can we. Two weeks home for us totals (with gas, food, car, and airfare) $2500+. My parents come and visit us once a year, and that is it; that kind of hurts seeing as how we’ve lived here 9 years now.
16. I can’t stand parents that let their kids run butt wild in the store. They run around and have shopping cart races, run and scream, bump into me, etc. And then, my personal favorite, the child throws a hellacious tantrum and Mom just stands there on her cell phone or paying for her goods. There is no discipline to be seen. You my friend are a clueless asshole, and your little angel is probably going to grow up and sneeze on people’s books at Barnes and Noble before bagging them. You are a parent—-act like one.
17. Please stop trying to sell me your Shakeology, Shaklee, Amway, Avon, Mary Kay, Visalus, Tupperware, Mark, Scentsy, Pampered Chef, Thirty One Gifts, Silpada, etc. At least I don’t have a friend selling Xyngular! LOL Seriously, if I wanted to buy it I would. I have been strategically ignoring you for a while and have (gasp!) been a no-show at your parties. Please go away.
18. If we’re talking on the phone please don’t sneeze or cough into the receiver. Can you say OUCH?!?
19. Do not take your baby out at midnight wearing a dirty, saggy diaper, face covered in boogers, and sipping on a 20 oz. bottle of Hawaiian Punch. From now on I will point to your child and yell, “Hey look! It’s that Honey Boo Boo kid!” I will then focus my attention on you, call you June, tell you that you are bigger than on the TV, ask where Sugar Bear is, and then demand your autograph.
20. I can’t stand assholes that don’t use their blinkers when they drive.