Shit That Drives Me Crazy

There are many things in this world, unfortunately, that drive me crazy. There are things that strangers do. There are those things that my friends and family do. There are things that people do on the job that drive me bonkers. Today I thought I would share some of these things because, hey, you know me:  I just can’t keep my fucking mouth shut. And I feel obligated to add that I have PMS so don’t hate. There are also alot more swear words than normal (and that is saying something if you know me)!

1. I cannot stand folks who have no concept of time. If you tell me you’re going to be here at 2:00, then for fuck’s sake, be here at 2:00. I have rearranged my schedule for you; the least you could do is show me that I matter to you as well.

2. If you’re ringing up my books, groceries, or whatever, don’t fucking sneeze all over it and then bag it like nothing happened. Are you fucking kidding me? Use hand sanitizer, say “Excuse me,” and then go get me a new, preferably, sneeze-free item.

3. Don’t talk on your cell phones in restaurants or stores whilst waiting on someone. I don’t give a good goddamn what an asshole your boss is, the five pounds you’ve gained, the problems your boyfriend is having with his erections, or whether you decide to send roses or tulips to your dying Aunt Myrna. Either text quietly or take care of business at home.

4. When you trim your beard/goatee (yeah, J, this one is for you), pick up your fucking hairs instead of leaving them all over the sink, faucet, and counter top.

5. Please make up your mind what you would like to order before you approach a drive-thru window.

6. If you believe in God, and you know that I don’t, keep your preaching to yourself. I will respect you, and you will respect me. If we can’t agree on that then I don’t need you in my life.

7. Don’t drink all of the soda in the house and then not put more soda in the fridge to chill. The same goes with filling the ice-cube tray when you’ve used all of the ice cubes.

8. Don’t chew with your mouth open, don’t talk with a mouth full of food, and don’t slurp your soup or coffee. If table manners weren’t important then I would gladly take my meals in the barn with the other animals.

9. If we’re talking on the phone and you need to go pee or solve a mini-crisis, don’t put your fucking kid on the phone to talk to me in the meantime. (The exception to this rule is my niece.) I’d rather you just call me back.

10. If you’re going to run the dishwasher please make sure that no one is planning on taking a shower.

11. When I have PMS and I tell you to back the fuck off you may want to heed my warning.

12. Dirty dishes go in the sink not on the fucking kitchen counter.

13. When you are at Urgent Care or the Emergency Room be kind and respectful to person staffing the window. Patients are seen based on how sick they are NOT in the order that they signed in. You throwing a full-blown temper tantrum because you have a stuffy nose and have waited for an hour makes you look like a total asshole in the wake of someone who just arrived with chest and jaw pain.

14. Don’t make up your mind that you are going to hate something before you even try it.

15. Quit asking me, “When are you going to come home? We miss you!” Funny you should mention that because that door swings both ways. We have to pay almost $1800 for airfare and then rent a car. We have to pay for baggage and check car seats for the kids. Then we have to drive everywhere, kids in tow, to see people because no one will get off their asses to come see us. We, frankly, are sick of it. Going home is not a relaxing vacation for us—it is go, go, go, come see me, come see me, etc. You miss us? Buy a fucking plane ticket and discover the great state of Arizona. “Oh, but we can’t afford that!”   Yeah, neither can we. Two weeks home for us totals (with gas, food, car, and airfare) $2500+. My parents come and visit us once a year, and that is it; that kind of hurts seeing as how we’ve lived here 9 years now.

16. I can’t stand parents that let their kids run butt wild in the store. They run around and have shopping cart races, run and scream, bump into me, etc. And then, my personal favorite, the child throws a hellacious tantrum and Mom just stands there on her cell phone or paying for her goods. There is no discipline to be seen. You my friend are a clueless asshole, and your little angel is probably going to grow up and sneeze on people’s books at Barnes and Noble before bagging them. You are a parent—-act like one.

17. Please stop trying to sell me your Shakeology, Shaklee, Amway, Avon, Mary Kay, Visalus, Tupperware, Mark, Scentsy, Pampered Chef, Thirty One Gifts, Silpada, etc. At least I don’t have a friend selling Xyngular! LOL Seriously, if I wanted to buy it I would. I have been strategically ignoring you for a while and have (gasp!) been a no-show at your parties. Please go away.

18. If we’re talking on the phone please don’t sneeze or cough into the receiver. Can you say OUCH?!?

19. Do not take your baby out at midnight wearing a dirty, saggy diaper, face covered in boogers, and sipping on a 20 oz. bottle of Hawaiian Punch. From now on I will point to your child and yell, “Hey look! It’s that Honey Boo Boo kid!” I will then focus my attention on you, call you June, tell you that you are bigger than on the TV, ask where Sugar Bear is, and then demand your autograph.

20. I can’t stand assholes that don’t use their blinkers when they drive.


20 thoughts on “Shit That Drives Me Crazy

  1. “16. I can’t stand parents that let their kids run butt wild in the store. They run around and have shopping cart races, run and scream, bump into me, etc. And then, my personal favorite, the child throws a hellacious tantrum and Mom just stands there on her cell phone or paying for her goods. There is no discipline to be seen. You my friend a clueless asshole, and your little angel is probably going to grow up and sneeze on people’s books at Barnes and Noble before bagging them. You are a parent—-act like one.”

    This is my favorite of all the ones you listed. Why? Because I work in a store where I see this ALL.THE.TIME. And it drives me batty. Parents allow their children to treat our store like it’s an indoor playground. And guess who would be the first person to sue if their little angels hurt themselves while doing something they had no business doing in the store? Yep. Because, you know, it’s the store’s fault.

    • It drives me bonkers. J and I were in Old Navy when I was pregnant with Footlong, and 2 brothers, who looked to be about 7, were having shopping cart races. One rounded a corner and plowed right into my pregnant belly. I lost it yelling, and their father mumbled the word, “Bitch,” and then left.

  2. #15. “When are you going to come home? We miss you!”

    This is us! We have lived in the state of Far Far Away since we were 18 and newly married. My father has come and seen us once (I get it, he has anxiety) and my mother has come an seen us twice! Oh and that is in the last 22 years. We never had real vacations when the kids were little because we always went home. It never failed either, someone would be pissed because we didnt see them.

    So, thank you for posting it! Someone gets it!!

    • We offered to buy plane tickets one time for J’s parents, but his dad refused; he wanted to drive and make a road trip. Gas was $4.00 a gallon, and it takes 4 days each way to get from GA to AZ. Plus that is 8 nights of hotel, 8 days of food, and he asked that we give him a little bit of money to make up for what income he would miss while on the two week trip (he was a housepainter). That total came up to $3000 versus $650 for two plane tickets. We told him we couldn’t afford that, and they have never been out here to see us.

  3. well damn girl f you didnt like me trimming my goatee hair in your sink and saggy diapered bottomed baby drinking hawaiin punch.. you didnt have to beat around the bush just tell me outright.. i cant understand all those innuendos… lol

  4. Well said! I agree with you 100%, most especially about people (family) always expecting you to do the travelling. My parents (whom I dearly love) visited me ONCE in 10 years and that was only because my brother was graduating from boot camp on this side of the country. I suppose it wouldn’t have looked good to fly to see him graduate and then not drive a couple of hours to spend TWO WHOLE $#%*%^* DAYS WITH ME. :o/

    • It is a total pet peeve of mine, Melissa. And when we’re home we stay with my parents because they have 2 extra bedrooms. We ask people to come see us and they’re all like, “I’ve worked all day, I’m so tired.” Well I’ve been dragging myself, J, and two kids every which way for two weeks! I used to look forward to going home; now I fucking dread it.

  5. But, but I love my scentsy. 😉
    Except it hard to find replacement bulbs for it.

    Agree with everything you said. I hate when people park their cart and themselves in the middle of the isle to read labels, and ignore that you need to get by.

    • Oooooh, that’s a good one, Taffy. I hate the cart thing too, and I hate it even more when 10 shopping carts are in your way at Costco because people are like vultures when it comes to free samples!

  6. Wow, that’s a great list! This is so funny but I’m reading the whole list and I’m thinking, hmm I wonder if she’ll mention drivers who don’t use their turn-signals! And there it is #20! I swear, that puts me over the edge sometimes……. Also, when people don’t put the divider down after their stuff at the store. Alot of these things is just common courtesy, which is sorely lacking in my opinion. Oh wait, one more…. When you hold the door open for someone and they just walk in and don’t say thank you, arrrgggg…. If I’m feeling pissy that day I’ll say oh, your welcome!

    • Another thing that peeves me is when I wave someone to go ahead and walk in front of me in a parking lot or wave for someone to go ahead and turn and I don’t get a head nod or wave of thanks. I don’t know why that irks me, but it does.

  7. In addition to number 3, don’t talk on your cell phone while expecting a cashier/waiter/waitress to wait on you. It’s rude and it ALWAYS makes you take longer and then you can’t get the heck out of my way and let me finish up my shopping and go home.

    • I agree; it is really rude. You would be surprised how many patients in the hospital would be on the phone when I was in there trying to conduct my exam and ask them questions.

      • I think it’s important to note that for some reason I typed “heck” instead of “hell” because I didn’t want to offend anyone on your blog. Please feel free to mock me ad nauseum. I would if I were you.

  8. LOL, Kristi! With me flinging “fucks” this way and that I don’t think “hell” would rock the boat too much 🙂 I think I love you now because you used “ad nauseum.” You’re my kinda gal!

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