Why Yes, I Would Just LOVE A Camera Up My Ass!

I am fat. I have made no secret about that. In looking back through childhood photos I am normal sized until about age 9. I started puberty about that time, and my weight started creeping up ever so slightly. When I was 11 years old I stood 5’1” and weighed 100 pounds; I wore a size 9 or 11 in the Junior’s department. By high school I was 145 pounds, a perfect size 14, and shaped like an hourglass. Through years of depression, working night shift, poor eating habits, and two pregnancies I top the scales somewhere between, “Oh my God!” and “Get the fuck off me!” My grown-up height is an average 5’5”, and my weight is about 280. I am a size 24. I have dieted, fasted, juiced, exercised, self-loathed, walked, jazzercised, diuresed, suppressed, and vomited over the years.

Last year a very dear friend of mine, who was also 280 lbs., entered a contest to win a free lap-band. I started a voting campaign for her on FB, I voted daily, and I made her a deal:  if she won I would get bariatric surgery as well. And? She won by a landslide! She had a lap band and has lost just over 80 pounds. She has gone from a size 26 to a size 16. She looks and feels amazing.

Not one to break a promise, I upheld my end of the bargain. I made an appointment with a bariatric surgeon. He said that based on what I weighed and what surgical options are available he recommended the standard Roux-En-Y gastric bypass, which is considered the gold-standard of weight loss surgery. I was in agreement. Now the fun was to start–I had to satisfy the insurance company’s requirements to be approved. The surgeon gave me a list of things to do:  6 months of medically supervised weight loss by my primary physician (check), a nutritional consultation with a registered dietician (check), pass a psychological evaluation (LOL…check), and get blood work (check). He said that since I have no heart or lung problems (no high blood pressure, no sleep apnea, no snoring, etc.) that I didn’t need to see a cardiologist or pulmonologist. Fine by me.

I submitted all the necessities to the surgeon’s office when they were completed. I got a call back shortly thereafter from the office coordinator telling me that I needed to see a cardiologist and pulmonologist for clearance. What? Why? As it turns out, the insurance company requires it. Okkkkkay. It took 3 weeks to get those appointments. The cardiologist cleared me immediately. The pulmonologist wanted me to wear an oxygen sensor on my finger for one night just to make absolutely sure that I wasn’ t having any problems. Ok. The problem with that? He couldn’t follow-up with me for a whole fucking month! Seriously. I had to wait yet another month.

Finally, all of the insurance requirements were taken care of and sent to the doctor’s office the first week of August. The next week I got a call from the coordinator verifying that they received it all, and she was sending it to the insurance company that very day. She said I could expect to hear something within 2 weeks.

I, having waited over 3 weeks for an answer, called the insurance company yesterday to see what was up. The representative that I spoke to said that they had received nothing for a surgical pre-authorization. She looked in another place. Nothing. She could even tell that I had been to urgent care just a few days ago, yet there was nothing from the surgeon. Understandably miffed, I called the office coordinator and left her a voice mail telling her that my insurance company stated rather emphatically that they have no paperwork regarding bariatric surgery. She called me back and told me to let her deal with it because she talks to different people at the insurance company. Ok. Fine. Whatever. I said thank you and hung up.

Fast forward to today. I called the insurance company for shits and giggles just to see if they had received my paperwork. Yes, they had. They had me verify the name of the surgeon; I did. The following conversation ensued:

“Well, Mrs. Jackson, everything looks to be in order for your small intestine endoscopy, so you should have a decision from us soon.” 

“Ok, thanks! Wait. What?”

“Your small intestine endoscopy. Scheduled for October 9th pending final approval.”

“A small intestine endoscopy? Ma’am, I realize this is not your fault, but I’m really frustrated. How can I put this without being rude? I’m fat and need a gastric bypass. Having a camera shoved up my ass does me no good in the weight loss department.”

“You’re wanting a gastric bypass?”

“Yes ma’am, I am.”

“So you don’t want the small intestine endoscopy?”

“No ma’am, I’d prefer no electronics up my butt if at all possible.”

“Well, the procedure code I have listed is ABCDE. That is for a small intestine endoscopy.”

“OK, then what is the procedure code for a gastric bypass surgery?”

“Hmmmmm…..let’s see…….that would be ACBDE.”

“Okey-dokey. Someone made a mistake then. How do we fix it?”

“You need to call your contact at the surgeon’s office and tell her the problem with the code. She will have to re-submit blah blah blah to us.”

“Ok, thank you. You’ve been very helpful. I’m sorry I said the word ‘ass’.  ‘Bye!”

I call the office coordinator and leave a message. I wasn’t all polite, happy, and sugary like I normally am. I was direct, to the point, and trying my best not to say “fuck” on her voice mail. 10 minutes later, with 6-inch screaming in my ear, the coordinator calls me. She tells me in no uncertain terms that I am rude and nasty and she knows how to do her job thank you very much. I apologized for being rude, but I told her I was a little upset at hearing that after all this shit with the paperwork I was going to be approved for a small intestine endoscopy. It is akin to being a child and someone promising you a video game for Christmas and then unwrapping a package of irregular socks and underwear. She got really snippy and again reminded me that she talks to different people, blah, blah, blah. She basically told me not to call her anymore because she knows what she is doing.

Come October 9th we’ll see if I wake from anesthesia with a smaller stomach or glossy 5x7s of my duodenum, jejunum, and ileum. Maybe I can train my asshole to smile when someone yells, “CHEESE!”


22 thoughts on “Why Yes, I Would Just LOVE A Camera Up My Ass!

  1. maybe you’ll be lucky and not only have a “pouch” but also a complete package of 3×5’s, 5×7’s with a few 8×10’s for good measure of your smiling ass 🙂
    Next time the coordinator is pissy remind her “It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on”.

    • I’ll send you an autographed photo, my friend. I had some really choice words for her but A) she is pregnant and B) I really don’t want to start all of this shit over again at another surgeon’s office.

  2. I have been reading MWOP for quite some time, and have always enjoyed your comments. Of course I followed you to your blog! Just a “creeper”, according to my kids, but what can I say? I like to stay in the background! I am about to turn 52, have three children (24,21,20), and a little over three years ago started the process through which you are now wading. I went through all the insurance “hoops” you have just had to endure, and in January of 2010 had a gastric bypass. My starting weight was 282, and I am now (and have been for two years) at 175. Still “overweight” according to the charts, but no longer with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and very happily in a size 12. I look at least ten years younger (if I do say so myself!) and am in the best shape of my life. Anyway, just wanted to say hang in there – my only regret is that I didn’t do this ten years earlier. It annoys the crap out of me when people call surgery the “easy way” out. I have worked (and worked out) hard, but the surgery was just the tool I needed to help me get to where I wanted to be. I will be rooting for you and looking forward to good news from your Dr. and insurance company!

    • Hi, Jan! Thanks for being a creeper! LOL!! I am so glad that you’ve had such success after your bypass. The surgeon said that based on my bone structure and past diets/weights growing up that I can expect to get to 140-150. He said anything lower than that would be nearly impossible for me. That weight would make me a 12/14. I’ll be 34 at the end of the month, and I’ll be happy when all of this is over! I do have my vanity and pride as reasons for doing it, but I honestly just want to be healthy for my boys. I don’t have diabetes, hypertension, sleep apnea, or high cholesterol now, but in 5 years I will probably have all of the above. Thank you for sharing with me! And I hope I get some good news soon!

  3. OMG! I truly have NO patience, I mean NONE WHATSOEVER for stupid lazy people. If this were her or her sister, I’m fairly certain none of these problems would be happening. Pregnant or not, she needs to be doing it right.

    • I agree, Shannon. When I told her yesterday that the insurance company had received no documents she told me that she had the confirmation from the fax machine saying that it went through. All of a sudden, today, they are there! And who knows if it was her or some drone at the insurance company that transposed the two numbers in coding the procedure. This is like a real-life “who dunnit” mystery!

  4. Dearest Beloved Snort,

    Please do share with the appropriate parties…


    And pay special attention to this paragraph:

    “When I mentioned it yesterday on Facebook, I discovered that a few of you have actually heard about the “cool” new breakthrough method for getting rid of stubborn fat…without surgery. I’ll be honest, I have long thought that I might possibly be game for getting a tummy tuck or some such if I ever lose all my weight. I have had four c-sections and, well, if you’ve had one you know. There is a bulge. But what if I could have my extra fat frozen off instead of cut out? Um, cool!

    It is cool. Very, in fact. CoolSculpting “gently cools unwanted fat cells in the body.” The cells shrink and, eventually, die. Then our body naturally eliminates them. So much for the old adage, “You can never get rid of fat cells once you have them. You can shrink them, but they never completely go away!” Ahh, technology.

    It’s neat when technology walks hand in hand with natural health. You know, the barefoot, root eating, fresh air breathing kind our forefathers relied on. As a treat to myself for losing weight, and after I lose 20 more pounds for a total of 50, I am going to have CoolScultping done on some of my stubborn fat.”

    *Excerpted from MyCharmingKids.com, Jennifer Mckinney

    May quite possibly very likely almost certainly but not guaranteed to be CoolSculpting that allowed Ms. Mckinney to be able to squeeze into her new duds when just two weeks ago, she appeared to be birthing a baby elephant.

    Much love,
    Your incognito informant

    • I’m going to call the ins. company right away to see if Cool Sculpting is covered as a homeopathic treatment since freezing isn’t surgery. I have wondered if she has cool sculpted then I see an unedited picture of her muffin top and realize she probably hasn’t. You know…..because it’s soooooooooooooooo last season.

  5. Looking at her before and after pics esp with stomach size I swear she’s had some kind of WLS. No f’ing way she has gone from picture one to picture 3 on some kind of snake oil pills in 8 months. My daughter started at 283 mid April and yesterday is at 203.2. Started at a 24 and now a 16 is too loose and a 14 is not a pretty sight (her words). But WLS does not make you money so I guess we’ll all drink the koolaid and believe in her pills. uh huh

    • I believe “Save the Baby Elephant” hit the nail on the head above.

      CoolSculpting. Jennifer admits to planning on having it in her blog (see above)after she loses 50lbs. altogether. And in the comments section of her blog, she also claims it’s one of the “perks” of her blogging, so it’s reasonable to assume it’s being gifted to her. She even had an information gathering of some sort at the fat freezing location, I believe, where she invited readers at one time back in Feb/Mar. Just something to consider.


  6. Gosh– I’m sorry. BTDT! I get scans every 6 months and have to deal with this crapola all the time. The last round went like this:

    Surgeon: “You need a breast MRI.”
    Me: “So I’ll need a precert.”
    Surgeon: “Yes. Tammy will get it for you.”
    Tammy: “I’ll take care of it, no need to worry.”

    a couple days go by and then I get a phone call from the surgeon’s office.
    Tammy: “You don’t need a precert.”
    Me: “Why? MRI’s always require precerts.”
    Tammy: “Dunno, that’s that the insurance lady said. You appt is for Friday.”
    Me: “OK.”

    Friday morning phone call:
    random hospital person: “This is the MRI dept, we can’t do your MRI today because you don’t have a precert.”
    Me: “Seriously? But Tammy called insurance and they said I don’t need one.”
    random hospital person: “You need one.”

    so I call my insurance:
    Me: “I need a breast MRI and a precert.”
    random insurance lady: “You don’t need a precert.”

    so I call Tammy:
    Me: “Please please please call the random hospital person so I can get my MRI.”

    HOURS pass.
    MRI dept calls.
    random hospital person: “Why did you not show for your MRI appt? There will be a $200 fee for a skipped appt.”

    At this point, I became completely unglued.

    I ended up going in for the MRI that evening. What’s even more hysterical is that 2 weeks later, I get a bill from the hospital for “surgery” not an MRI!! LOLOLOL!

  7. This is Michelle’s Mommy, Meda again! (I know, just like a bad nightmare, I keep turning up!!!!). I am getting really tired of people having a problem with you having surgery to facilitate your weight loss. Who are they to bitch? Do they live in your body? Personally, I am so proud of you for doing this. I know what a hard decision this was for you to make, and also know you want to be there for your family! What an unselfish reason to go forward with your plans. As for the camera up your ass, trust me when I say, DON’T DO IT!!! I have severe diverticulitis, krohns, etc, and those mothers hurt!!!!
    Keep doing what you are doing, and remember none of us occupy your brain space, so we really have no right to an opinion on what is a very personal decision for your to make! I say, Good luck. I want to see pics when you are done of the before and after. Keep doing what you do, I am proud of you!!!! (Is that worth .02 yet????) lol

    • Thank you, Meda! That was worth way more than $0.02! I just wish the office coordinator and insurance company can fix the mistake quickly because I’m ready to begin this new chapter of my life!

  8. You’re so excited for this and it has such a potential to benefit your health that it would be way more appropriate for them to have a red carpet laid out for you instead of all of this insurance bullsh. You should have your hubby write No Pictures! on your posterior in Sharpie before you check in for your surgery!

    • LOL! I’ve always been afraid that I would be one of those unfortunate people that are on the receiving end of a major medical error—like going under for removal of a brain tumor and waking up with FFF breast implants or something. This whole insurance thing has my plus-sized panties in a wad.

  9. I would have reminded if her she knew what she was doing she would not have made this mistake. It is her large ego and “I’m never wrong” attitude” that has caused this, she needs to be dismissed, seriously, mistakes with operations are dangerous. She isn’t even willing to admit when she makes a mistake, the very worst of all incompetent doctors. She will kill somebody one day.

    • It wasn’t the doctor that made the mistake, it was the office manager. Luckily, everything has been straightened out and there will be nothing up my butt! But, David, I agree that her ego could have led to injury. I also don’t have to deal with her anymore since my surgery got approved!!!

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