just some blurbs

For my friend, National Tax Fraud Hotline. Call 24/7. 1-800-275-3332. You may be entitled to whistleblower compensation!

These last few days have been magical. No, not like Harry Potter magical (we don’t read those because JK Rowling is Satan’s sister), but magical magical. You know….that kind of magical. Saturday my husband took the kids and I to a child’s anniversary of birth party. Nestled in downtown Mesa it was within the confines of an indoor amusement park. The hostesses had arranged for a seasonal fresh pizza broil, and we sat around whilst eating freshly harvested and broiled bread, cheese, and pepperoni. A mess was Footlongs with dollops of sauce covering his countenance, but my husband cleaned him off. My husband is wonderful. I so love my husband. My husband and I then took sweet 6-inch to ride the animatronic circular equine ride. Look around in sheer amazement he did as the animatronic, brightly colored equine replica moved up and down rhythmically and in a circle to boot. I would have taken a photo, but AZ law states it is illegal to use your cell phone whilst in motion. You know. To save lives and all. I’m pro-life, you know. You didn’t know? Now you do. You’re welcome!

Sunday was spent with me at the local organic farmer’s market. My husband told me not to spend too much money. I don’t know what his problem is. Doesn’t he realize that debit cards have no limit whereas cash is gone when you spend it. Being the submissive wife I am I slapped him then went to do my shopping and practice frugality over wantality. Organic red quinoa was $4 more a box than the regular quinoa so I bought the red stuff. It’s the color of my hallway. I also bought an assortment of seeds, nuts, nutbutters, seedbutters, seednuts, nutseeds, etc. You get the idea. I was out of my beloved free range eggs so I picked up a few chickens  in the meat department and plan on planting them so I can grow my own eggs. If my egg trees don’t grow I’m going to buy a chicken and just lay under her all day and let her plop her eggs right into my mouth. We’ll see what happens!

Footlong is doing smashingly in his brick and mortar training facility. He loves kindergarten the sequel! Just yesterday his teacher suggested to me that I just let him jump ahead to high school. I told her we would think about it because he is busy chairing the program of that new rover on Mars. NASA has been calling Footlong constantly asking questions.

6-inch is still acting like a total baby. No, really. I’m not joking. He acts like a real baby. I keep telling him to use his grown-up words to convey his thoughts and wishes, and I am greeted with happily garbled syllables punctuated by squeals. This kid is definitely special needs. I also announced to him, “You are now 13 months old. You need to excrete your urine and feces in the toilet.” A look of total confusion and desperation was his punctuated by the releasing of flatus into his disposable toileting apparatus. He is out to get me. Mark my words. That child will be my undoing.

I leave you today with a few words and ideas:  my husband, my husband, my husband, a unicorn shat on my walls, my husband, I’ve lost 900 pounds, my husband, my jeans cost more than your phone bill, my husband, my husband, protein balls, my husband, Instagram, look at my new wallet, my husband, baby wipes have many uses, my husband, Footlong is brilliant, my husband, I have an enormous gut, money, painters, money, vitamins, my husband, bailed from a wagon, my husband, chia seeds, flowcharts, photo, hammertoes, my husband, Jesus, and fupa.

I must go take photos of myself now.

 

 

 

This is another really shitty work of fiction. 6-inch did ride the merry-go-round and seemed to enjoy it. Footlong loves school. I have never tried planting poultry. A “fupa” sounds like something off the value menu at Taco Bell, doesn’t it?
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15 thoughts on “just some blurbs

  1. I have really never had a sense of humor but so love yours…you make me laugh every single time…I just cannot make out who you are talking about tho…could you make that a little clearer next time…
    can I ask you 2 questions? do you have a garage door opener and did J get a ticket for not wearing a seat belt…
    I heard somewhere that those things happened…LOL
    love you…
    cannot wait for you to come to my neck of the woods…

    • LOL! Thanks 🙂 My brother and I have a very similar sense of humor. I remember working as a front desk clerk at the Howard Johnson’s during college, and Brother Snort filled out a comment card. He listed his name as Rod Crambone and rated everything poorly except for housekeeping—he rated that outstanding. In the space where you would write in suggestions he suggested complimentary blow jobs, a larger assortment of breakfast cereals at the continental breakfast, and a place to get your shoes shined. LOL. He really makes me laugh.

      To answer your questions:

      1. We have no garage at this house; we have an open car port, so negative on the garage door opener.

      2. We do not use seat belts. That may work for your family, but that’s not how we roll. We use my wonderful, life-changing rubber bands to fasten ourselves into the seats. In the event of an accident we are flung away from the wreckage like we’re riding a giant slingshot. If you order some bands now you get your name on them for free! Hit me up for the deets!

    • Believe it or not, Rabia, but one of my high school English teachers (for extra credit) would have us learn five synonyms for any given regular word. I kinda have my own cerebral Roget’s thing going on in my head.

  2. Whenever I hear fupa, I think of Opa! which is usually followed by throwing plates, drinking shots and dancing… at least according to the movies. Fupa should be a more fun word.

    Also, you are hilarious!

    • OMG, that is awesome! I also think “fupa” could be used in these situations:

      1. It could replace “uffda” in the midwest. “I left one of my kids at the water park because it was so busy! Fupa!”

      2. It can be added to a list of dishes at a Thai restaurant because, let’s face it, not to many people are up on their Thai: “Can I yet the yellow curry fupa and a bowl of tom kah?”

      3. It should be a drink, like a mojito, ruby, cosmo, etc. “Hey, can we get a round of Fupas over here?”

      4. It could be an acronym: Fat Ugly Piece of Ass. “Did you get his phone number?” “Bitch please…..look at that fupa.”

  3. Kill me you do. In that good, funny, non-homicidal, Yoga-speaking kind of way. Love your merry-go-round description and “disposable toileting apparatus.” That’s some funny shat!

    • You’re welcome. *cough, cough* I have a horrid upper respiratory infection, sinusitis, and fluid behind my ear drums. Can you please send a fixed wing aircraft my way to take me to the hospital?

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