So busy we have been and fun to be had ’round these parts! Firstly I thought about painting my walls. That didn’t fly because painting is….so…..so common. So plebeian. I thought of wallpapering, you know, something inspiring like a wallpaper roll that looked like a Kenyan village to remind me that I am lucky. My husband said no. I obeyed. Finally, I had a great idea. I signed Mr. Snort up as an Acme Rubberbands distributor and let him buy 10,000 personalized rubber bands from me for the decoration of our living module. See? It’s a win all-around: I sold 10,000 rubber bands and signed up a new distributor. I earned a $50 bonus on his $500 purchase. How is this not genius? Anyways. Back on topic. Mr. Snort chose the option of “random personalization” for the rubber bands, and our living room is now awash in vibrantly colored, inspiringly rubber goodness consisting mostly of leftover orders. Scanning the room with my head perched atop my neck I read things like:
“Happy Birthday Amy!”
“¡Viva la Revolución!”
“Anton LeGrand Cherington, IV”
“WHERE’S THE BEEF?”
“Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner!”
“Herpes: The gift that keeps on giving!”
“Son of a Mensch! Mortimer Levenstein, Jr. for City Council.”
“GO BLUE DEVILS!”
“Merry Christmas! Love, the Konecki Family”
and, my personal favorite,
Footlong is doing well with his educational mentoring at the brick and mortar training center. He works very hard on his reading and math like a first-grader, then he comes home and is in touch with NASA helping to interpret data from the Mars rover. And he is still inventing brilliant things. Just last night he built an iPad out of an old adding machine, some plastic wrap, two Tupperware bowls, a (clean) diaper, a handful of pebbles, and a pack of C batteries. I don’t cuss, except for when I do, but if I did, which I will, I’d say that kid is fucking brilliant and smarter than half you mofo’s out there.
6-inch is making some progress in proving that he is human and is capable of becoming an intelligent and productive member of society. He has started clapping his hands. He will play peek-a-boo on commands. He is thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to walking more than 3 or 4 steps at a time. Since he is refusing to speak English to express his wants and needs I thought that perhaps he would be more comfortable in another language. I have been using Rosetta Stone’s Vietnamese lessons while he sleeps (I just put the headphones on him), and this morning his babbles went from “da-da-da-me-ta!” to “ooong kai tong!” I don’t know what that means, but I’m sure it is genius. Really. Because me and my husband make geniuses. Your kids are ordinary kids. We make geniuses.
I’ve been experimenting with some new recipes lately, and they are positively delish! Here are the deets of what we’ve been eating:
Baked Tilapia with Smucker’s strawberry jam and hemp hearts
Couscous salad: couscous, 6 Taco Bell bean and cheese burritos (finely chopped), cilantro, Italian dressing, topped with blueberries
Cocoa-dusted broccoli florets
Homemade Schweddy Balls
Super-Dooper healthy breakfast cereal: toasted kale, almonds, raw mammal milk
I reckon that’s enough for one day. I was going to pay the rent, but today just feels like a shopping day, ya know? Maybe I’ll pick up a new car on the way home? Who knows? Thank you for worshipping…errr…reading here. Your attention and constant adoration validate my existence.