The Last Supper

My pre-op diet started today. Thank you to those who have e-mailed me or left me messages on FB wishing me luck on my journey. Last night I had Italian food from Romano’s Macaroni Grill for The Last Supper.

 

I promised photos and videos of my journey starting today, but it seems awfully selfish to blog about being fat, hungry, and nervous when there is such a major catastrophe on the East coast. I’ll blog in a few days. In the meantime, I hope everyone is safe.

 

Love,

Carmen

In the past few days I have…

…enjoyed my last alco-beverage for a long, long while.

…had a panic attack when thinking about surgery.

…calmed down and realized that I can do this.

…looked at a photo of my friend, Deena, who has lost 100 lbs. after her lap band.

…gotten inspired and excited by Deena’s new photos.

…skyped with Mother and Father Snort.

…painted faces at the elementary school’s Fall Festival.

…made 6-inch laugh so hard that no sound was coming out of his mouth.

…been nauseated. Really, really nauseated.

…gotten a package in the mail.

…bought a pair of shoes.

…went to CVS to purchase toiletries to take to the hospital.

…washed my sheets and comforter.

…washed said sheets and comforter because Footlong barfed all over them. Poor baby.

…taken a nighttime walk to enjoy the full moon and cool temperatures.

…had my favorite pair of flip-flops break.

…watched a documentary on CNN regarding Lance Armstrong and all the doping allegations. One of the cycling officials on the documentary was named Dick Pound. I may have laughed until I peed myself.

 

 

 

 

 

…tried to fit the name “Dick Pound” into random sentences to make J laugh.

…viewed pictures of Jennifer “MckMama” McKinney at a convention, and she was so big around the middle that she couldn’t even button her jeans. LOL

…done lots of laundry.

…not really wanted to cook.

…wished a Happy Birthday to an old high school friend.

…ordered a pair of shoes for my best friend as a birthday gift.

…I have dressed 6-inch in his Halloween costume. He is a chicken.

…had Footlong model his Halloween costume; he is a cop.

…been so excited because 6-inch actually chewed and swallowed some solid food without wretching or spitting it out.

…discovered that Footlong has his first loose tooth.

…given Footlong his birthday gifts so he could enjoy them over the weekend with J.

…shopped at a new accessories boutique at the mall where everything is only $1.00. I picked up a few pair of earrings and a bracelet.

…neglected to blog.

T-minus 13 days and counting!

I’ve been a very, very bad [SNORT] by neglecting this blog for a few days. I have been busy.

As you can guess from the title, we are either 13 days away from the next shuttle launch or my gastric bypass surgery. Seeing as how the shuttle program is no longer active, I’m pretty certain it is 13 days until my surgery! FUCK YEAH! In the last few days I have been to a required pre-op bariatric seminar, met with my (handsome) surgeon, had an EKG, pulmonary testing, lab work, a chest x-ray, and received a shit ton of instructions about what will be doing in my in life (and guts) in the immediate pre-op and post-op periods. There are some folks who have left me hateful comments about me being “lazy” and surgery being “the easy way out.” Well, let me enlighten you naysaying bitches as to what it will be like for me, and I double-dog dare anyone to tell me I’ve chosen the easy way out.

T-Minus 7 days  (i.e. next Tuesday):  Start pre-surgery diet:  protein shakes (to get 60 g protein daily), clear broth, sugar-free jello, sugar-free popsicles, a ton of water.

T-Minus 1 day (i.e. the day before surgery):  No protein shakes. Clear liquids only. Drink a bottle of Magnesium Citrate (laxative) at 1:00 pm. Hibiclens (surgical soap) shower before bed; that should be enjoyable because I have very sensitive skin. I anticipate alot, alot of itching, stinging, and burning. Dope myself up with Ambien and pretend I’m not nervous as hell. Hug, kiss, and squeeze Footlong and 6-inch for as long as they let me because I won’t see them for a couple of days.

Surgery day:  Be at hospital (which is not in Tucson; I’ve opted to go to Phoenix) by 6:30 am for 8:30 am surgery. I will be up and walking 6 hours post-surgery. Bring on the pain! (And bring on the pain medication. I have discussed this already with my surgeon, and he knows my history of drug use. I have to have pain meds though; there is no way around it.)

I will spend 2 nights in the hospital; every morning at 6:00 am my nurse will bring me 4 (16 oz) bottles of water, and I have until midnight to drink them all. I think it might take that long because I have to take baby sips.

After I am discharged I will be back home, and in addition to getting in my 64 oz. of water a day I also have to fit in a minimum of 2 protein shakes so that I get at least 60 g protein a day. I cannot drink from a straw.

One week after surgery I will start the vitamins and supplements that I will be on for the rest of my life. These include a chewable multi-vitamin twice a day, chewable Iron once a day, chewable Calcium Citrate three times a day, liquid Omega 3 (ew, ew, ew—it’s like drinking a pureed mackerel), sublingual B-12, and Vitamin D-3.

Food wise, it will be a month post-surgery before I can eat foods other than Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, eggs, mushed up chicken/turkey with gravy, soup, and grilled fish. I won’t have fruits or veggies until about 6 weeks post-op, and they have to be cooked and have any skins removed. I have to eat with one of 6-inch’s baby spoons.

I am forbidden to eat white foods:  potatoes, rice, bread, and pasta. At some point whole grain, high fiber, high protein oatmeal will be ok.

No coffee for 3 months, no alcohol for a year, no carbonated beverages EVER. Farewell my beloved Diet Coke and Perrier. It has been a delicious ride. I love you.

I am limited to eating 1/2 cup of food at each meal, but it is likely that I won’t be able to finish it. I will continue on protein shakes until I am able to get all of my protein from my diet.

I’m probably going to lose some hair, and I’ll lose more if I don’t get enough protein or take my vitamins as prescribed. This pains me because I have nice, thick, shiny hair.

Wow! Doesn’t this sound awesome?!? I admit that I thought about going the starvation/binge/sprinkle/laxative/DMAA/caffeine route while lining someone’s pockets and getting them free trips and shit, but this is just how I roll. Hope that helps! 

All sarcasm and [SNORT]-ness aside, I am really excited and cannot wait to start this new phase of my life. It will be nice to get to a point where I have one ass instead of two.

If any of you have comments, feedback, would like to share your own weight loss struggles/successes, or ask questions just leave me a comment.

Got Spoons?

Since I started this blog in May I have made so many friends–in addition to the friends I have made at MWOP. Today, I would like talk about one of my new friends who contacted me several months ago on FB once my real name was made public. I admittedly was leery of making friends with a stranger on FB, but she admitted to lurking at MWOP, reading my blog, and told me a lot about herself. I liked her almost immediately. She is sweet. She is funny. She is open and honest. She is many things, and her name is Colleen. This is the lady herself:

You know, she’s just a regular girl in her 20s that likes to hang out in the dryer. When I first got acquainted with Colleen, I read her FB page, and I looked at her photos. She is a beautiful woman. In alot of photos she is wearing a big smile, acting goofy, or showing off her flexibility. Then I started reading more messages from her as we got to know each other. Colleen, as it turns out, is severely affected by an autoinflammatory disorder (and an autoimmune disorder) that has led her to have many wounds, draining wounds, 30+ surgeries, and chronic pain. After learning how sick Colleen is I looked at the photo of her in the dryer and though, “Well, she sure doesn’t look sick!” She does have pictures and videos, though, that show her many wounds, and her draining wounds. It’s really something. She takes tons of pills everyday, but she also makes pill people for fun:

On some days, when I would visit Colleen’s page I would see her comments that she was having a bad day and in substantial pain or quite tired. Her many friends left encouraging comments, and many of the comments included the word “spoons.” Spoons? I really didn’t give it a second thought until Colleen changed her picture on FB to this:

GOT SPOONS? Who in the hell would have such an obsession with an eating utensil? I finally broke down and asked, “What is the deal with the spoons?” Colleen told me, and I got it.

There are many people who are chronically ill but don’t look sick at all. Those with lupus, other autoimmune disorders, MS, chronic migraines, sickle-cell anemia, depression, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, etc. They look just like you and me. They don’t look sick and are often told that. One woman, Christine Miserano, set out to change that mindset. Christine wrote an article called “The Spoon Theory” at the website butyoudon’tlooksick.com. (You can read the article by clicking this link:  http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/.  I wanted to print the article here, but the author never answered my emails asking for permission to do so.) Christine suffers from lupus, and the article tells the story of her being at a diner with her best friend. Her best friend doesn’t totally understand what it is like to be chronically ill. To teach her a lesson, Christine goes around to all of the empty tables at the diner and picks up spoons from the tables. She gives them to her friend and basically says, “I’m going to show you what my life is like. You are holding x number of spoons. These spoons represent your energy for the entire day. You have to do this and it will require one spoon.” The friends sets the spoon down. “You have to choose between doing this or that. You chose to do this, now give me 3 spoons.” The gist of the article is to point out that chronically ill folks (who don’t look sick!) are some days so affected by their illness that they have less “spoons” than they would on other days, and Christine misses the days when she didn’t have to worry about spoons at all. They have to be mindful of their bodies and what they can handle. I understood it now:  all of those comments on Colleen’s page leaving her hugs and spoons were wishing her to get well. I had RSV and pneumonia last month, and Colleen sent me messages to check on me:  “How’s your spoon count today? Are you better?”   “I hope you’re feeling better! Hugs and spoons!”

I encourage you to read the article from the link provided above. If you know someone with a chronic illness who doesn’t look sick this article is a great reminder that they ARE sick. It gives a wonderful explanation from their perspective.

And to Colleen, thank you for sharing so much of your story and sending me an invite to be your friend. Hugs and spoons  ♥

Mad Libs III

Alrighty folks, it is that time again:  Mad Libs! I’d like to thank all of you that participated (my usual M, S, H, M, and R) and newbies who wanted a piece of the action (S, G, and D). The Mad Libs type parody is completely ficticious and was written by me. The participants DID NOT know the theme of the story nor were they given any hints as to what they should write; they strictly filled in the blanks when I asked for nouns, verbs, etc. All in all I have to say that this particular Mad Libs is the funniest one yet; at times I was literally laughing so hard that I could barely type and contain the contents of my bladder. I now present to you Mad Libs volume 3:  The Evening News.

 

WFKU TV~~Your #1 News Source

Good evening, and welcome to Channel 679,257,614 Eyewitness News at 6:03 pm. I’m Penny Spendthrift.  

In our top story tonight, slowly annoying former internet-podiatrist, Saul Howler, aka “Sweetie Boolicious,” has been denied a discharge of her disgusting case in Federal kite. The Bankruptcy Pig Farmer assigned to the case cites 8,082 instances of fraud, screwing of assets, and failure to cry income. For the year 2011 Sweetie Boolicious claimed her income was $159.24 when in fact it was well over $6,666.66. It is possible that repulsive charges may be filed as well as an investigation conducted by the Environmental Protection Agency. Ms. Howler continues to pout the situation to the few hairy fans she has left by saying that she has spent all of her back jeans and is current on her keifers. She has also been widely eaten for crashing yet another house in a CFD (also known as a Cucumber Douchebag Fat) agreement; this is the 498th house she and her blanket have lived in since 1977.

In world news, the United Arab Emirates city of Dubai is actively protesting and flying the upcoming convention of Lo and Macs Copy-n-Print, a MLM company that sells old diet pills that contain Lortab and meloxican. Citizens of Dubai are sad that these bruised people will be spending time in their city. This predominantly Muslim country bans women from puking inappropriately and wearing kunai that shows their nose or leaves their hair uncovered. It is also against the wrench for couples to swing legs in public or run any kind of affection. Drinking lakes and eating steak are also not permitted and are punishable by a public spanking.

In local news, classes are being running at the bewildered community center this week on how to wash pictures of yourself to appear 57 and 1/8 teaspoons lighter. “Nobody who is education should have to look that way in their photos,” claims class instructor Reagan Santos. “To instantly knit 1 pound thinner you can do the following:  tickle in your gut, weep the camera above your elbow, cross your leg, and hold your quicksand. “ Mr. Santos also claims that many people are unfairly called clinically treatment when they aren’t. “If the government would raise the BMI standards, 3 thousand people would technically not be fat anymore!”

Now for the weather we turn to our meteorologist, Howard Duck. Howard?

Thanks, Penny. There is a dark front moving across the living room headed toward the left. Tomorrow we can expect sweet skies, winds out of the NW at 7234 mph, and a 11 % chance of torrential hand sanitizer. Temperatures for the rest of the middle ages will be long with high temperatures in the 80’s and lows around 9 degrees. This weekend would be a soft time to go to the beach or a local Dead Sea to enjoy oversized sunshine and a new time with your bunny slippers. In the Sea of Galilee, Hurricane Isaac is now a Category 8 storm with maximum wet winds of 198564 mph. The storm is expected to make landfall on the Eastern shore of Israel the day after tomorrow. Back to you, Penny.

Sanitation Engineer officers and the library department were dispatched to a choking, twisting, slopping accident earlier today involving a 1974 Tampax Nova Scotia. Apparently the gun was using her i-Russia to clap, send tweets, and stomp photos to Amazon. She visited the vehicle, swerved, ran into a playground, and sipped an oak Dubai. She had no visible goats but immediately demanded a Hummer to take her to the local sheep so she could be attacked and receive pain shoes. She was cited by officers for kicking while driving, not wearing underpants, and not carrying church insurance; she was taken into custody after she was released from the hospital for calling the officers tall motherspitters and yelling, “Don’t you sip who I am?”

In sports news, our sportscaster Mike Hunt has the latest. What’s going on in the world of sports, Mike?

Well, Penny, it was reported today that Zac Efron has fractured his vagina and is out for the rest of the Lacrosse season. His team, the London Ducks, issued a statement saying that they swim to win even though Zac Efron is nearly injured. In Baseball news, two new ugly teams have been added to the MLB organization:  the Hospital Hookers and the Library Strippers. As a promotion to run new fans the teams are strolling Fan Jump Day, and the first 3,333 fans at each fish on opening day will receive a vibrator and a souvenir team hammer. In other sports related news, the IOC (also known as the Illegitimate Ovary Catfish) has awarded the 2020 Spring Olympic Games to Reykjavik, Iceland. The IOC also announced new gaming additions for the 2016 Summer Games in Rio de Janeiro:  Platypus riding, Mouth ball, and Drowning. Back to you, Penny!

Thanks, Mike. In more local news, our town’s local charter school, Smelly Redeemer Camel Worshipper Academy, will be holding a fundraising carnival this weekend with the goal of raising $750,000 for new flaky drivers. The carnival will have victims, rides, bumper bystanders, midway naysayers with prizes, and a Nauseating Bar full of yummy foods like camel urine tea, fried dog hair soup, funnel prisoners, and freshly squeezed breast milk. Tickets are $50 in advance or $1 at the gate. Come on down and support the school and have your photo made with the school mascot Monkeytits The Sloth. Go, Sloths!

Finally tonight, we have a big treat for you dogs out there in TV land. World-famous pilot de cuisine, Amelio Arturo, is here in the studio to show us how to cook his famous dish, Green Zucchini and Spaghetti Houses. Thank you for being here tonight, Chef Arturo!

Thanks, Penny! It is an honor to be here. To make my Green Zucchini and Spaghetti Houses you will pee the following ingredients:

4 millimeters of all-purpose baking soda

1 medium-size head of hummus, coarsely chopped

½ tsp. orange salt

3 pounds of deflated chia seeds

3 gooey eggs

1 bunch of painted bread

A handful of pink granola

2 apples of breast milk

1 stick of melted tomato

And a dash of Tobasco kefir for some heat.

What you do is run all of the ingredients in a large spatula until everything is read well. Cook the batter into a fake 8×8 pan and bake at 369 degrees for 15 minutes. Let it cool then puree into squares. That’s all there is to it!

Thanks Chef Arturo! I’m Penny Spendthrift, and thank you for barking in to the news. Good night.

In the past few days I…

…have been abandoned by J. Cold heartedly abandoned.

…will welcome J back home tonight after his plane lands. He had to go to Seattle on business.

…have had my face break out. Thanks, PMS!

…have had my eyes opened and my political views changed by reading everyone’s thoughts about Obama and Romney on Facebook. NOT.

…written the word “motherfucker” without putting decorative symbols in it. Yeah, bitches:  I don’t claim to not cuss.

…smiled and laughed when I heard MckMama’s bankruptcy was denied because she is a liar, fraud, and thief.

…made Footlong go to bed early for being a bad listener.

…have decided to recycle last years Halloween costume.

…ate shrimp wonton soup.

…was given a credit at ShoeDazzle for buying a pair of shoes, so I used said credit to buy a pair of royal blue suede boots for $14.95.

…I also have the same boots in hot pink and taupe.

…have owned up to the fact that I have no control when it comes to footwear.

…have had to get another phone because mine spontaneously died.

…have not been able to set up my Gmail on my new phone.

…got pissed off.

…mailed 2 boxes to my family in Nunavut.

…thoroughly cleaned my kitchen.

…painted my toenails.

…thought alot about my upcoming surgery. Less than a month to go!

…have skyped with Mother and Father Snort.

…learned that my SIL and BIL are divorcing. They separated two months ago, and no one called to tell us.

…been very tired and irritable.

…have contemplated my own mortality.

…started a Mad Libs post but got distracted with Footlong having a stomach bug and my own irritability. I will finish it soon.

…have thought about sending Gene Doeling flowers or a singing telegram.

…have coughed and peed on myself.

…written a really boring post about what I have done in the past few days.