Alrighty folks, it is that time again: Mad Libs! I’d like to thank all of you that participated (my usual M, S, H, M, and R) and newbies who wanted a piece of the action (S, G, and D). The Mad Libs type parody is completely ficticious and was written by me. The participants DID NOT know the theme of the story nor were they given any hints as to what they should write; they strictly filled in the blanks when I asked for nouns, verbs, etc. All in all I have to say that this particular Mad Libs is the funniest one yet; at times I was literally laughing so hard that I could barely type and contain the contents of my bladder. I now present to you Mad Libs volume 3: The Evening News.
WFKU TV~~Your #1 News Source
Good evening, and welcome to Channel 679,257,614 Eyewitness News at 6:03 pm. I’m Penny Spendthrift.
In our top story tonight, slowly annoying former internet-podiatrist, Saul Howler, aka “Sweetie Boolicious,” has been denied a discharge of her disgusting case in Federal kite. The Bankruptcy Pig Farmer assigned to the case cites 8,082 instances of fraud, screwing of assets, and failure to cry income. For the year 2011 Sweetie Boolicious claimed her income was $159.24 when in fact it was well over $6,666.66. It is possible that repulsive charges may be filed as well as an investigation conducted by the Environmental Protection Agency. Ms. Howler continues to pout the situation to the few hairy fans she has left by saying that she has spent all of her back jeans and is current on her keifers. She has also been widely eaten for crashing yet another house in a CFD (also known as a Cucumber Douchebag Fat) agreement; this is the 498th house she and her blanket have lived in since 1977.
In world news, the United Arab Emirates city of Dubai is actively protesting and flying the upcoming convention of Lo and Macs Copy-n-Print, a MLM company that sells old diet pills that contain Lortab and meloxican. Citizens of Dubai are sad that these bruised people will be spending time in their city. This predominantly Muslim country bans women from puking inappropriately and wearing kunai that shows their nose or leaves their hair uncovered. It is also against the wrench for couples to swing legs in public or run any kind of affection. Drinking lakes and eating steak are also not permitted and are punishable by a public spanking.
In local news, classes are being running at the bewildered community center this week on how to wash pictures of yourself to appear 57 and 1/8 teaspoons lighter. “Nobody who is education should have to look that way in their photos,” claims class instructor Reagan Santos. “To instantly knit 1 pound thinner you can do the following: tickle in your gut, weep the camera above your elbow, cross your leg, and hold your quicksand. “ Mr. Santos also claims that many people are unfairly called clinically treatment when they aren’t. “If the government would raise the BMI standards, 3 thousand people would technically not be fat anymore!”
Now for the weather we turn to our meteorologist, Howard Duck. Howard?
Thanks, Penny. There is a dark front moving across the living room headed toward the left. Tomorrow we can expect sweet skies, winds out of the NW at 7234 mph, and a 11 % chance of torrential hand sanitizer. Temperatures for the rest of the middle ages will be long with high temperatures in the 80’s and lows around 9 degrees. This weekend would be a soft time to go to the beach or a local Dead Sea to enjoy oversized sunshine and a new time with your bunny slippers. In the Sea of Galilee, Hurricane Isaac is now a Category 8 storm with maximum wet winds of 198564 mph. The storm is expected to make landfall on the Eastern shore of Israel the day after tomorrow. Back to you, Penny.
Sanitation Engineer officers and the library department were dispatched to a choking, twisting, slopping accident earlier today involving a 1974 Tampax Nova Scotia. Apparently the gun was using her i-Russia to clap, send tweets, and stomp photos to Amazon. She visited the vehicle, swerved, ran into a playground, and sipped an oak Dubai. She had no visible goats but immediately demanded a Hummer to take her to the local sheep so she could be attacked and receive pain shoes. She was cited by officers for kicking while driving, not wearing underpants, and not carrying church insurance; she was taken into custody after she was released from the hospital for calling the officers tall motherspitters and yelling, “Don’t you sip who I am?”
In sports news, our sportscaster Mike Hunt has the latest. What’s going on in the world of sports, Mike?
Well, Penny, it was reported today that Zac Efron has fractured his vagina and is out for the rest of the Lacrosse season. His team, the London Ducks, issued a statement saying that they swim to win even though Zac Efron is nearly injured. In Baseball news, two new ugly teams have been added to the MLB organization: the Hospital Hookers and the Library Strippers. As a promotion to run new fans the teams are strolling Fan Jump Day, and the first 3,333 fans at each fish on opening day will receive a vibrator and a souvenir team hammer. In other sports related news, the IOC (also known as the Illegitimate Ovary Catfish) has awarded the 2020 Spring Olympic Games to Reykjavik, Iceland. The IOC also announced new gaming additions for the 2016 Summer Games in Rio de Janeiro: Platypus riding, Mouth ball, and Drowning. Back to you, Penny!
Thanks, Mike. In more local news, our town’s local charter school, Smelly Redeemer Camel Worshipper Academy, will be holding a fundraising carnival this weekend with the goal of raising $750,000 for new flaky drivers. The carnival will have victims, rides, bumper bystanders, midway naysayers with prizes, and a Nauseating Bar full of yummy foods like camel urine tea, fried dog hair soup, funnel prisoners, and freshly squeezed breast milk. Tickets are $50 in advance or $1 at the gate. Come on down and support the school and have your photo made with the school mascot Monkeytits The Sloth. Go, Sloths!
Finally tonight, we have a big treat for you dogs out there in TV land. World-famous pilot de cuisine, Amelio Arturo, is here in the studio to show us how to cook his famous dish, Green Zucchini and Spaghetti Houses. Thank you for being here tonight, Chef Arturo!
Thanks, Penny! It is an honor to be here. To make my Green Zucchini and Spaghetti Houses you will pee the following ingredients:
4 millimeters of all-purpose baking soda
1 medium-size head of hummus, coarsely chopped
½ tsp. orange salt
3 pounds of deflated chia seeds
3 gooey eggs
1 bunch of painted bread
A handful of pink granola
2 apples of breast milk
1 stick of melted tomato
And a dash of Tobasco kefir for some heat.
What you do is run all of the ingredients in a large spatula until everything is read well. Cook the batter into a fake 8×8 pan and bake at 369 degrees for 15 minutes. Let it cool then puree into squares. That’s all there is to it!
Thanks Chef Arturo! I’m Penny Spendthrift, and thank you for barking in to the news. Good night.