I’ve been a very, very bad [SNORT] by neglecting this blog for a few days. I have been busy.
As you can guess from the title, we are either 13 days away from the next shuttle launch or my gastric bypass surgery. Seeing as how the shuttle program is no longer active, I’m pretty certain it is 13 days until my surgery! FUCK YEAH! In the last few days I have been to a required pre-op bariatric seminar, met with my (handsome) surgeon, had an EKG, pulmonary testing, lab work, a chest x-ray, and received a shit ton of instructions about what will be doing in my in life (and guts) in the immediate pre-op and post-op periods. There are some folks who have left me hateful comments about me being “lazy” and surgery being “the easy way out.” Well, let me enlighten you naysaying bitches as to what it will be like for me, and I double-dog dare anyone to tell me I’ve chosen the easy way out.
T-Minus 7 days (i.e. next Tuesday): Start pre-surgery diet: protein shakes (to get 60 g protein daily), clear broth, sugar-free jello, sugar-free popsicles, a ton of water.
T-Minus 1 day (i.e. the day before surgery): No protein shakes. Clear liquids only. Drink a bottle of Magnesium Citrate (laxative) at 1:00 pm. Hibiclens (surgical soap) shower before bed; that should be enjoyable because I have very sensitive skin. I anticipate alot, alot of itching, stinging, and burning. Dope myself up with Ambien and pretend I’m not nervous as hell. Hug, kiss, and squeeze Footlong and 6-inch for as long as they let me because I won’t see them for a couple of days.
Surgery day: Be at hospital (which is not in Tucson; I’ve opted to go to Phoenix) by 6:30 am for 8:30 am surgery. I will be up and walking 6 hours post-surgery. Bring on the pain! (And bring on the pain medication. I have discussed this already with my surgeon, and he knows my history of drug use. I have to have pain meds though; there is no way around it.)
I will spend 2 nights in the hospital; every morning at 6:00 am my nurse will bring me 4 (16 oz) bottles of water, and I have until midnight to drink them all. I think it might take that long because I have to take baby sips.
After I am discharged I will be back home, and in addition to getting in my 64 oz. of water a day I also have to fit in a minimum of 2 protein shakes so that I get at least 60 g protein a day. I cannot drink from a straw.
One week after surgery I will start the vitamins and supplements that I will be on for the rest of my life. These include a chewable multi-vitamin twice a day, chewable Iron once a day, chewable Calcium Citrate three times a day, liquid Omega 3 (ew, ew, ew—it’s like drinking a pureed mackerel), sublingual B-12, and Vitamin D-3.
Food wise, it will be a month post-surgery before I can eat foods other than Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, eggs, mushed up chicken/turkey with gravy, soup, and grilled fish. I won’t have fruits or veggies until about 6 weeks post-op, and they have to be cooked and have any skins removed. I have to eat with one of 6-inch’s baby spoons.
I am forbidden to eat white foods: potatoes, rice, bread, and pasta. At some point whole grain, high fiber, high protein oatmeal will be ok.
No coffee for 3 months, no alcohol for a year, no carbonated beverages EVER. Farewell my beloved Diet Coke and Perrier. It has been a delicious ride. I love you.
I am limited to eating 1/2 cup of food at each meal, but it is likely that I won’t be able to finish it. I will continue on protein shakes until I am able to get all of my protein from my diet.
I’m probably going to lose some hair, and I’ll lose more if I don’t get enough protein or take my vitamins as prescribed. This pains me because I have nice, thick, shiny hair.
Wow! Doesn’t this sound awesome?!? I admit that I thought about going the starvation/binge/sprinkle/laxative/DMAA/caffeine route while lining someone’s pockets and getting them free trips and shit, but this is just how I roll. Hope that helps!
All sarcasm and [SNORT]-ness aside, I am really excited and cannot wait to start this new phase of my life. It will be nice to get to a point where I have one ass instead of two.
If any of you have comments, feedback, would like to share your own weight loss struggles/successes, or ask questions just leave me a comment.