Hey y’all………..MockMama is back! Have you missed me? I’ve just got so much to tell you.
Firstly, J and I have reconciled! I’m giggling like a middle aged balding man!!! I got my wedding bands back from him; He sprayed my finger hooves down with PAM and shoved them fuckers on real tight. The ring now has two diamonds that represent his balls and the control I have over them. Isn’t it romantic sitting on the floor perched atop firm cushions under starry tents whilst belly dancers jiggle and wiggle before us and our hummus? We went swimming today in the pool here at the resort, and didn’t feel like missing much so I just took my entire PC and gaming system in the pool too.
Later, at a sumptuous all-you-can-eat chocolate fountain I had an epiphany. I want a bidet. I love this chocolate fountain. I fucking deserve a bidet that will clean my ass with a silky stream of warm milk chocolate. Really, folks. Is that too much to ask? I deserve it.
We didn’t bring the kids…uh…Footsomething and some odd inches. Yeah, they’re back home holding down the fort. We left food and milk. I had the choice of going to the top of the tallest building in the world or airmailing some diapers home for the inch kid. I chose the building tour. I figure the older kid, Footsomething will teach him how to pee in the toilet. This trip is all for me, me, me, me, ME.
Last night I ate dessert that was covered in real gold flakes. I can literally shit gold now. I am better than all of you. I’m going to shit gold and get my ass washed with chocolate. Bwhahahahahahahaha! (evil laugh)
Send gift cards so I can go out for a falafel.