just some blurbs from my motherland

Hey y’all! I’m finally home from travelling. I know millions of you have been on your knees praying with pins and needles to boot, but you may rest now. I have reached my motherland. I don’t have the time or interest to answer any of your questions or prayer requests, so I thought I’d tell you about my many jaunts.

So me and the hubbster, Ike, went to Dubai because I sold alotta lotta vitamins. We were flown with the rest of our xyngers on a non-stop, first class Persian Rug from NYC to Dubai. It was totes terrific. After Aladdin landed the rug we were whisked away to our hotel, the Atlantic. You know….like the ocean. Heaped upon us wide-eyed strangers was a sense of wonderment and grandeur to boot with chillbumps as well. Me and Ike’s room was off the chain. It had a big bed, a big window, and a TV. The bathroom was so luxurious and thoughtful. Right next to the shitter was a porcelain water fountain! How nice and considerate because some people like me get thirsty if we’re “on the job” for a long time. It was awesome. I want a water fountain at home now.

We ate at buffets every 2 hours, but the food was covered in Scam sprinkles, so the calories didn’t absorb. They had the most magnificent chocolate fountain I have ever seen. They had stick thingies with fruit on ’em to stick under the chocolate, but that was to vanilla for me. When I hit chocolate I hit that shit hardcore. I ran my salad under the fountain and mixed it with Miracle Whip to make a chocolate dressing. I dunked my shrimps in chocolate. Everyone drank champagne, but since I don’t drink I just hung my head under the chocolate fountain. I used handfuls of warm chocolate to shave my legs. I even gave the servers gratuity with handfuls of chocolate.

We went all over Dubai to see stuff. There was an awesome swimming pool, a pretty glass sculpture in the lobby, and lots of sand outside. Ike decided to give me my wedding ring back, and here is a photo:

Dubai was so much fun. We took lots of photos, and some sneaky bastard kept sending them to MWOP! How funny is that?!?

After I bade a tearful farewell to Ike I hopped a fixed-wing aircraft to Uganda to hang out for a few days. I stayed in an apartment and put stuff in bottled water that the locals were kind enough to give me. I watched my Dad give a big speech about Christians being better than everyone, they we got the hell outta dodge (but not before I snapped some uncomfortable looking photos!). On the way home I had a layover in Holland, so I put on some wooden shoes, put tulips in my hair, ate caramel filled waffles, and hung out at the “coffee shop.” I’ll let you figure out why “coffee shop” is in quotation marks. Needless to say, I ate 36 waffles at the “coffee shop.”

I’m home now, and it is Thanksgiving. After everyone tells me why they’re thankful for me I’m going to go in the kitchen and prepare a feast:  Tofurkey, whipped chia seed souffle, mashed hemp hearts with Xypstick gravy, leftover scrambled eggs, and frozen nutbutter and seeds on a spoon.

I can’t find any spoons? *sigh* I’ll just send the kids outside with handfulls of goo and let them come in when it’s frozen.



This is a really crappy work of fiction. I don’t know anyone named Ike. Tofurkey is disgusting, and I’m pretty sure there is no commercial flying rug service from NYC to Dubai.

11 thoughts on “just some blurbs from my motherland

  1. In regards to flying rugs I beg to differ. I’m in the flooring business and there are many days when the rugs just “fly’ right out of the store.

  2. Bravo for a story well told. . . . Although Ike was strangely as far away from you in pics with some blond chick with a big ole smile on his face. I know that honesty is not your policy unless of course you can photoshop it first, so I am sure that you had him stand over by blondie just for photographic symmetry to kinda “weigh” down that side. I did pray for you while you were gone and bam.. you are back, so God is really liking me I guess 😉

  3. Oh my gosh that was so so so funny! Especially the portrait.

    One of my kids is vegetarian, and he ate tofu for TG. That’s the only thing that has leftovers.

  4. Heyhey..those Tofurkey’s give up their lives to be eaten that 1 day of the year!!

    and they’re not too bad with gravy on them. LOL

  5. I really really think you should teach online drawing classes and make a fortune. Like, a lot a lot. Can I sign up? How much would it cost? Also would you pray for me that my haircut at the dmv goes well tomorrow?

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