Home Sweet Home

Hey y’all! MockMama is back from my many worldly jaunts. “Mockmama, you’ve been away on jaunts?” Yep, I sure have and can’t wait to tell you all about what I saw, learned, and taught.

I already told y’all that my company, the company that I act like I’m CEO of, sent me and the sperm bag over to Dubai, which is a city in the United Arby’s Emirates. Dang I love those curly fries. Anyway me, the sperm bag, and our great, great team of team people stayed for several days. We ate from chocolate towerfalls, used bidets, sat in the pool, and did photo-ops in the sand. Poor Sperm Bag. In some photos he looked absolutely rode hard and hung up wet, but it other photos (where I wasn’t) he looked happy! He needs some wonder pills for his moods, eh?

After everyone left Dubai (including Sperm Bag), I was set to join my Daddy in Africa for mission work. I hardly ever cuss, except for when I do, but for fucks sake Africa is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo last season. I thought about it and wondered, “Where can I make the greatest missionary impact?” That’s right bitches! Mama went to Pakistan! Packed my bags and knapsacks with many foods and documents with my bible and passport to boot. I was on a one woman mission to bring peace and drugs to the Pakis and the Stannis. My first stop was Islamabad where I was welcomed to be sure. The village elder slaughtered a chicken, and set it down in front of me. It must have warmed their hearts that I ate the whole thing, and with chicken fat and feathers on my face I turned to the elder and told him from the bottom of my sports bra, “Gracias, my friend in Christ.” The next day I gathered all the woman and taught them about chia seeds, hemp hearts, peanut butter, and homemade Lara bars. I’m sure the info-session would have gone over better if I had actually brought supplies instead of Polaroids, but you get my drift. Before I left I painted them a mural on a bomb shelter. It is so strengthening to do Christ’s work. After a wonderful time in Islamabad I caught the 9:30 camel to Karachi and had a fun time there too. They even taught me how to shoot a gun. I taught them how to make chains out of Juicy Fruit wrappers.

After a long long trip home spanning many time zones I am home in the frozen tundra with Sperm Bag, and the little ones. I wanted to go to bed alone because I’m jet and camel lagged, but nooooooooooooo, the kids insisted on snuggling with me.

Christmas is approaching, and my company is running a too-good-to-be-true special for our awesome faux-natural pills! If you don’t lost 15 pounds by Christmas Eve (guaranteed!!!!!) then we will send you a FREE Christmas Honey-Glazed ham. Email me at dotdotdot[dot]dot@gmail[dot]com.

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6 thoughts on “Home Sweet Home

  1. What a wonderful Christian thing you do just being present. I am sure God will be very pleased and send you something nice for Christmas. Perhaps some beef jerky and some boxes of Twinkies.

  2. instead of a honey glazedl ham could I please get a country spiral sliced ham? one with lots and lots of salt encrusted coating on the ham…. please…… so I can gain water weight and when i purchase the 30 day cleanse I will be guaranteed to loose 75 lbs. TY

  3. Can I smoke the ham? Is is safe to eat if I’m breastfeeding? I’m taking the faux-natural supplements, which I know are safe because you said so (fuck doctors–they don’t know shit about shit) so I figured you’d know about the ham too.

    Oh, and if you know about the ham smoking will you post some Polaroid tutorials? You’re so smart and awesome and SKINNY.

    Do share your vast knowledge about other cultures too. Please? I’m hanging on your every word. What’s the unemployment rate in Dubai?

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