You can probably tell by the title of the post what’s going through my head and colon. I, apparently, have become horribly lactose intolerant since my gastric bypass. I ate some diet ice cream a while back and was quite ill. Last night I had about 1/2 cup of milk and woke up during the night with horrible colonic emissions and some hurricane force winds if you get my drift. Apparently this is a frequent complication amongst those with a Roux-En-Y bypass because our small tummy pouch is connected further down in our small intestine which often bypasses the segment of intestine that produces lactase (the enzyme necessary to digest lactose). For every dairy indescretion, with the exception of non-fat Greek yogurt with Splenda, I am saddled with roughly 18-24 hours of gas, cramps, and diarrhea. I can’t even put milk in my coffee. Do any of you use a soy, coconut, or nut based creamer for your coffee? If so can you please make a recommendation?
Much to my chagrin I was informed recently that my photoshoot, which was pushed back to this Saturday, will no longer be supplying a hair/makeup artist. I am on my own here, and I’m freaking the hell out. I will not lie to you: money is tight right now, and that makes me nervous because I feel like I won’t be looking my best because I can’t afford a haircut, manicure, or spray tan. J said I could do those things, but I feel guilty spending money on the stuff that I can technically do myself and use the money to pay some bills or do fun things for the kiddos. I have been playing around with my hair and makeup, have bought some spray-on self tanner at Target, found some really great temporary nails that I dig, and will give myself a pedicure Friday night. I did Zoom! tooth whitening a year ago and opted to get the molds made of my teeth to use at home with gel instead of a one-time in office treatment; I did splurge on 4 syringes of whitening gel though. Brother Snort and Sister-In-Law Snort gave me a gift certificate to a local spa as a Christmas gift, and I’m using it tomorrow night for a calming, moisturizing facial. I feel nervous, ashamed, and conceited talking about myself and this piddly shit—I just want to make my surgeon proud. I also am lacking the filter that runs between your brain and your mouth, therefore I always say exactly what is on my mind. Fuck-a-doodle-doo.
I have laughed myself silly with all the memes on MWOP of MckMama in a pink fire helmet, dressed as various Village People, and the one of her husband holding the newspaper saying, “Our MckMansion burned down!” I only know most of you by your nicknames on MWOP, but to whoever you are iPeed (LOL) in my pants a tiny bit. I also saw the funniest gif on FB yesterday by George Takei, the openly gay dude from Star Trek. Yesterday many on FB (myself included) changed our profile pictures to a red equal sign to show our support for gay marriage as arguments are being heard in the Supreme Court. The one he posted last night showed the red equal sign but had Paula Deen sitting on top, looking like she was riding a rocket, and shouting, “It looks like two sticks of butter, y’all!” I positively could not contain myself. Leave it to George Takei to give the world hot, lesbian butter with bad makeup.
And now I present to you the latest edition of Mad-Libs. The following is a fictional short story that I wrote, and I then removed various words and phrases. The participants filled in the blanks and had absolutely no idea what the story was about. Thanks so much to Father Snort (good job there, old man!), my main man in Israel, the lady that is the Miss Albert to my Agador Spartacus, and, in a shocking twist, the hubby. And to the divine Miss M., I apologize again and have sent expired gift cards and that “Pray for Stellan” bracelet you ordered from my admin.
THE BOOK REVIEW
We here at Elroy-Covington Publishing are proud to announce the latest novel by famed author and blogger Maritza Applegate (www.ISuckAtLife.net). This story, book #721 in the series, was released to white reviews and pink accolades from those within the literary community. Here are just a few:
“This foot-wrenching tale of fatty dogs and torrid, stinky sex made for a working read. I was on the house of my toilet the entire time. Kiss my ass, ‘cause it doesn’t get any better than this!” —Stan Lipshitz, The New York Fish
“Ms. Applegate does not run with her newest book. When the main character, Jennifer Gerber, was diagnosed with stage 32 ass cancer I shat. I didn’t see it coming. Keep some Kellogg’s handy because you’ll barf buckets of wine.— Theresa Keller, The Detroit Puppy.
“There are few words to describe the main character, but these come to mind: large, skinny, blue, and rocket good. When Jennifer attempted to paddle insurance fiddles I was simply aghast. And her husband is such a scorched character, like a chia seed that you can peel layers from. A safely kosher read.” — Colbert Limbaugh, The Kazakhstan Washi Tape
“GORRAM!!!!! The, poor, light mother to those 2,55555 children made me fill with love. She Googled so hard to cook them spacious meals and type the house clean whilst her hubby, Jesus, was strung out on pope mobiles. What an utterly pricy story.” — El Poquito Tamale, La Tiara de Tijuana
“There are so many twists and cars in this book that I can’t even begin to remember them all: Santeria, the politics of Madonna, bankruptcy, fucking, chicken wings, Olympic curling, bootylicious abuse. Wow. You go, Jennifer Gerber.” — Jesus Christ, Jr., The Denver Pretty Fire Gazette
“Are you whacking kidding me? This woman grows up in hot poverty and filth to become the world’s leading expert on hair dye all the while plowing children, lying through her vagina, has a meager monthly budget of $255,555,555.55, and files for bitchruptcy? What a fascinating, sexy character. An absolutely holy read for any pizza lover.” — Bertha Meebaby, Xyng Stiks magazine
“Bladders down, this is the grossest, most warty novel I have ever read. When the frigid inferno broke out in the family’s port-o-potty you scratched and prayed along with Jennifer Gerber that the kangaroo and donkey would find their way through the sunshiny, smoky hallway to the exit. And then when she dropped to her elbows in the yard and yelled, “My house is on fire, and Aunt Flo has come to town? Oh, God, why have you forsaken me?” I literally broke down and ejaculated. —Englebert O’Sullivan, Gangnam Style Monthly
And there you have it. ☺