Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha! And Mad Libs!

You can probably tell by the title of the post what’s going through my head and colon. I, apparently, have become horribly lactose intolerant since my gastric bypass. I ate some diet ice cream a while back and was quite ill. Last night I had about 1/2 cup of milk and woke up during the night with horrible colonic emissions and some hurricane force winds if you get my drift. Apparently this is a frequent complication amongst those with a Roux-En-Y bypass because our small tummy pouch is connected further down in our small intestine which often bypasses the segment of intestine that produces lactase (the enzyme necessary to digest lactose). For every dairy indescretion, with the exception of non-fat Greek yogurt with Splenda, I am saddled with roughly 18-24 hours of gas, cramps, and diarrhea. I can’t even put milk in my coffee. Do any of you use a soy, coconut, or nut based creamer for your coffee? If so can you please make a recommendation?

Much to my chagrin I was informed recently that my photoshoot, which was pushed back to this Saturday, will no longer be supplying a hair/makeup artist. I am on my own here, and I’m freaking the hell out. I will not lie to you: money is tight right now, and that makes me nervous because I feel like I won’t be looking my best because I can’t afford a haircut, manicure, or spray tan. J said I could do those things, but I feel guilty spending money on the stuff that I can technically do myself and use the money to pay some bills or do fun things for the kiddos. I have been playing around with my hair and makeup, have bought some spray-on self tanner at Target, found some really great temporary nails that I dig, and will give myself a pedicure Friday night. I did Zoom! tooth whitening a year ago and opted to get the molds made of my teeth to use at home with gel instead of a one-time in office treatment; I did splurge on 4 syringes of whitening gel though. Brother Snort and Sister-In-Law Snort gave me a gift certificate to a local spa as a Christmas gift, and I’m using it tomorrow night for a calming, moisturizing facial. I feel nervous, ashamed, and conceited talking about myself and this piddly shit—I just want to make my surgeon proud. I also am lacking the filter that runs between your brain and your mouth, therefore I always say exactly what is on my mind. Fuck-a-doodle-doo.

I have laughed myself silly with all the memes on MWOP of MckMama in a pink fire helmet, dressed as various Village People, and the one of her husband holding the newspaper saying, “Our MckMansion burned down!” I only know most of you by your nicknames on MWOP, but to whoever you are iPeed (LOL) in my pants a tiny bit. I also saw the funniest gif on FB yesterday by George Takei, the openly gay dude from Star Trek. Yesterday many on FB (myself included) changed our profile pictures to a red equal sign to show our support for gay marriage as arguments are being heard in the Supreme Court. The one he posted last night showed the red equal sign but had Paula Deen sitting on top, looking like she was riding a rocket, and shouting, “It looks like two sticks of butter, y’all!” I positively could not contain myself. Leave it to George Takei to give the world hot, lesbian butter with bad makeup.

And now I present to you the latest edition of Mad-Libs. The following is a fictional short story that I wrote, and I then removed various words and phrases. The participants filled in the blanks and had absolutely no idea what the story was about. Thanks so much to Father Snort (good job there, old man!), my main man in Israel, the lady that is the Miss Albert to my Agador Spartacus, and, in a shocking twist, the hubby. And to the divine Miss M., I apologize again and have sent expired gift cards and that “Pray for Stellan” bracelet you ordered from my admin.

 

THE BOOK REVIEW

We here at Elroy-Covington Publishing are proud to announce the latest novel by famed author and blogger Maritza Applegate (www.ISuckAtLife.net). This story, book #721 in the series, was released to white reviews and pink accolades from those within the literary community. Here are just a few:

“This foot-wrenching tale of fatty dogs and torrid, stinky sex made for a working read. I was on the house of my toilet the entire time. Kiss my ass, ‘cause it doesn’t get any better than this!” —Stan Lipshitz, The New York Fish

“Ms. Applegate does not run with her newest book. When the main character, Jennifer Gerber, was diagnosed with stage 32 ass cancer I shat. I didn’t see it coming. Keep some Kellogg’s handy because you’ll barf buckets of wine.— Theresa Keller, The Detroit Puppy.

“There are few words to describe the main character, but these come to mind: large, skinny, blue, and rocket good. When Jennifer attempted to paddle insurance fiddles I was simply aghast. And her husband is such a scorched character, like a chia seed that you can peel layers from. A safely kosher read.” — Colbert Limbaugh, The Kazakhstan Washi Tape

“GORRAM!!!!! The, poor, light mother to those 2,55555 children made me fill with love. She Googled so hard to cook them spacious meals and type the house clean whilst her hubby, Jesus, was strung out on pope mobiles. What an utterly pricy story.” — El Poquito Tamale, La Tiara de Tijuana

“There are so many twists and cars in this book that I can’t even begin to remember them all: Santeria, the politics of Madonna, bankruptcy, fucking, chicken wings, Olympic curling, bootylicious abuse. Wow. You go, Jennifer Gerber.” — Jesus Christ, Jr., The Denver Pretty Fire Gazette

“Are you whacking kidding me? This woman grows up in hot poverty and filth to become the world’s leading expert on hair dye all the while plowing children, lying through her vagina, has a meager monthly budget of $255,555,555.55, and files for bitchruptcy? What a fascinating, sexy character. An absolutely holy read for any pizza lover.” — Bertha Meebaby, Xyng Stiks magazine

“Bladders down, this is the grossest, most warty novel I have ever read. When the frigid inferno broke out in the family’s port-o-potty you scratched and prayed along with Jennifer Gerber that the kangaroo and donkey would find their way through the sunshiny, smoky hallway to the exit. And then when she dropped to her elbows in the yard and yelled, “My house is on fire, and Aunt Flo has come to town? Oh, God, why have you forsaken me?” I literally broke down and ejaculated. —Englebert O’Sullivan, Gangnam Style Monthly

 

And there you have it. ☺

MckMama’s House Done Got Pharr’d Up!

It seems fitting that just a couple weeks after Jennifer McKinney made fun of a sports sign for an athlete with the last name Pharr (“Pharr’d Up!) that her house would catch on fire. The irony is delicious.

How is it that one woman can have such amazingly shitty luck? Let’s offer a brief recap because not everyone that reads here is a MWOPer:

  1. Jennifer and Israel buy their first house years ago and abandon it to buy a lake house. Her sister rents the house for a little bit, but the house is eventually foreclosed upon.
  2. Jennifer and Israel foreclose on house #2, a $300,000 lake house. She surmises that they are so far behind in mortgage payments that they are better off saving their $$ for a down payment on a new house.
  3. House #3 is a Contract-For-Deed with the following terms:  $30,000 down, $3,300 monthly payments, and a balloon payment of $485,000 (or so) in 5 years. The McKinneys stop paying for that house and move to the farm to play poor before filing bankruptcy.
  4. House #4 is a 1920s farm house on a small farm which they rent for less than $600/mo. They file bankruptcy, and the trustee alleges fraud and found that Jennifer underreported her 2011 income by over $100,000. Bankruptcy denied.
  5. Jennifer (now separated from Israel) leaves the farm house and it’s buildings full of trash and rotting food and moves into a gorgeous, remodeled Victorian home; the homeowner agrees to rent to Jennifer until the home sells. Realtors showed up one day to show the house and could not because there was trash, dog shit, dirty diapers, and other crap lying around the house.
  6. House #6 is another Contract-For-Deed house. The price was $289,000 with the following terms:  $20,000 down, almost $2,000 monthly payments, with a balloon payment of about $250,000 due April 15th. Yep. Those were some smart homeowners right there:  they gave Jennifer less than a year to pay off the house with her Xyng money or secure financing.

 

We’ve all been wondering how Jennifer was going to make that balloon payment in just a few weeks knowing that there is no way in fucking hell she can secure a mortgage with her credit, IRS liens, and creditors lined up out the door. And? Her house conveniently caught on fire over the weekend. While all of the children were at Grandma’s house. In the past year Jennifer has also totaled two cars…again, with no children present. Since the fire several comments from her FB and Instagram have disappeared which is a little on the suspicious side, but on FB all she can talk about is how happy they are to be in a hotel. Jennifer loves hotels. Here’s hoping that the West Salem, WI fire department employs an investigator because this fire seems awfully ill-timed given their financial mess.

 

We enjoyed a weekend of doing nothing here at Casa Snort. My photoshoot has been pushed back until next Saturday, March 31, at the request of the photography studio. I have gotten the two shirts I ordered, and I need to buy a smaller pair of jeans this week. I plan on doing my hair and makeup one night and letting John take some photos of me to post here with another poll to see what you guys think. I appreciated your feedback on the other polls too.

Gambling for Monkeys

There are a few instances where it is preferable to use your cell phone’s “voice dictate” app instead of actually typing; these are when you are driving (of course) and are in the bed half asleep and too lazy.

It is no secret that Tracy Coenen and I are friends and exchange the occasional email. I read her email this morning about calling Jennifer McKinneys *MSC (many stiffed creditors) in the next week. I used the fucking voice dictate thing to answer her email, and this is the response word for word:

Again I realize that you have to protect the Predators friends see. What in the hell was that? I said protech

the creditors privacy Aryan. F*** me running. I am so pissed off that I cannot even dictate an email.

I would love to know what each individual creditor said to you when you call maintaining their privacy of course. I can’t

wait to see you on our Christian mission trip to Uganda. Hopefully we can do a little gambling and win a lot of monkeys. Oh my God, first we’re talking about predators and now my phone wnats

to go gambling in with monkeys. F****** hell Sirius I said. I need to start typing with my fingers and not use this lady voice thingy.

I said lazy voice thing not lady voice thing. I’m hoping that you’re laughing as hard as I am. I think my phone is restarted. God damnit. I said retarded not

restarted. This has to be the worst email I have ever sent. To hell with it. I hope you have a nice die. Gay. Bay. F*** really? Day. Have a nice day.

This is so going on the snot flies.

The Following Things Have Come Out Of My Mouth Recently….

Abso-fuckin-lutely!

Bam!

“OMG look at her! She looks pregnant!

Come here and let Mama smell your butt.

Do you want some Trickle flavored Piscuits? Um, I meant Pickle flavored Triscuits. You want some?

Did you hear they elected a new Pope?

Wow. Babe, what do you think of these shoes?

I’m going for a walk. You deal with it.

I love you and miss you!

C’mon guys, lets go Skype with Na-Na and Paw-Paw!

I think my meds need to be adjusted because I’m starting to have panic attacks again.

Who’s my favorite baby in the whole wide world? Who’s my favorite baby? YOU ARE!!

You’ve got such a kind heart, buddy. You’re going to grow up to be a wonderful man.

Babe, rub my back please.

Every fucking time I eat ice cream, even the diet stuff, I get horrible gas and diarrhea. I’m thinking I should stop eating ice cream.

I’m down 65 lbs!

OMFG these cramps are going to be the death of me. Motherfucker.

Hey, you know that trip I was going to take tomorrow to New Mexico? I changed my mind. Why? Let’s put it this way; I just read what’s going on at MWOP, and if I go I’m gonna slap a bitch.

If you’re gonna scratch your tush then please wash your hands afterward.

I’d like a medium coffee with 2 creams and 5 Splenda please. Garrett what do you want? i also need a medium fries and small strawberry shake too. Yes that’s all. Thank you.

Who’s a good baby? Let’s go get a cookie!

Pee-Yuuuuuuuu! Whew! You’re a stinky baby!!

Wanna watch the new season of “Hell’s Kitchen?”

Please.

Thank you.

You’re welcome.

I love you.

Let’s have hugs and kisses!

Should Mama sing that silly song about cookies?

Photo Shoot

Hello all 🙂

I have not blogged recently because there really hasn’t been anything to blog about. J is working hard, Footlong is doing well in school, 6-inch is the happiest, squishiest toddler ever, and I just battled a brief bout of food poisoning thanks to some leftover Chinese takeout.

My weight is holding steady at 227 lbs, and I’ve been unable to take long walks like I usually do because J has worked some late nights and 6-inch hates being the stroller for more than five minutes. I’m trying to get a few minutes of exercise here and there when I can, but I know that as long as I’m not gaining all is well.

Several weeks ago I blogged about receiving an email from my bariatric surgeon asking for patient testimonials and before/after photos. He left his partnered practice in December and is setting up his own practice. I sent him my testimonial and photos (as well as posted them here on the blog), and I got a phone call from him the day before yesterday. He asked me if I would come to Scottsdale (about two hours from where I live) and have a professional photo shoot with my hair and makeup professionally done as well. I was stunned. Literally, I asked him, “Why?” He said that some of his patients had exhibited such a change since surgery that he wanted professional photos taken for use in advertising and on his website. I don’t know how many people he has asked, but I am grateful to this man for giving me the opportunity and help to change my life, so I told him I would. Today someone from the studio called me to set up my appointment, and she told me to select two casual outfits with shoes and jewelry. She said that loud patterns were a no-no, and she asked that I not wear a dress or loose pants—the point of the photos is to showcase my (somewhat) smaller body. I’m really nervous about this. Don’t get me wrong: I know how to pick out clothes that match and know what colors look horrible on me (yellow and orange, if you’re wondering), but I want to take the best photos possible to showcase both his skill and my efforts.

This is where you guys come in. I have two outfits in mind, and I would love to have your opinions. I have two weeks to get everything ready, so let’s get crackin’!

 

OUTFIT # 1

 

I found this shirt in a beautiful aqua color; it has some fine, white embroidery along the bottom edge.

blueshirt

I would pair this with bootcut jeans and these shoes (that I already own):

selena21-aqu01_21

 

For jewelry I’m thinking about long, dangly silver earrings and some silver bangle bracelets.

Below is a poll for the outfit. Click as many choices as you like.

 

 

OUTFIT #2

 

I have a pair of dark, snug denim leggings that I wanted to pair with a hip, edgy shirt and some killer heels. This is the shirt I have chosen; it is loose but is formfitting around the hip:

 

blackshirt

 

My denim leggings are about the color of the ones the model is wearing. For jewelry I’m going to go with a big, silver statement necklace and maybe a bracelet. These are the shoes; I already have these, but it was quicker to pull up a stock photo from the internet. They are covered with silver studs, rhinestones, and little silver spikes:

 

 

agatha

 

 

Here is a poll for this outfit; please choose as many answers as you’d like:

 

 

 

Thank you for wasting a few minutes of your time trying to help me make a decision. I’ve pretty much always been one of those women who is good to go in jeans, a clean shirt, minimal makeup, and shoes. This is really making me nervous. If you have any specific comments, suggestions, or feedback leave me a comment. xoxo