Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha! And Mad Libs!

You can probably tell by the title of the post what’s going through my head and colon. I, apparently, have become horribly lactose intolerant since my gastric bypass. I ate some diet ice cream a while back and was quite ill. Last night I had about 1/2 cup of milk and woke up during the night with horrible colonic emissions and some hurricane force winds if you get my drift. Apparently this is a frequent complication amongst those with a Roux-En-Y bypass because our small tummy pouch is connected further down in our small intestine which often bypasses the segment of intestine that produces lactase (the enzyme necessary to digest lactose). For every dairy indescretion, with the exception of non-fat Greek yogurt with Splenda, I am saddled with roughly 18-24 hours of gas, cramps, and diarrhea. I can’t even put milk in my coffee. Do any of you use a soy, coconut, or nut based creamer for your coffee? If so can you please make a recommendation?

Much to my chagrin I was informed recently that my photoshoot, which was pushed back to this Saturday, will no longer be supplying a hair/makeup artist. I am on my own here, and I’m freaking the hell out. I will not lie to you: money is tight right now, and that makes me nervous because I feel like I won’t be looking my best because I can’t afford a haircut, manicure, or spray tan. J said I could do those things, but I feel guilty spending money on the stuff that I can technically do myself and use the money to pay some bills or do fun things for the kiddos. I have been playing around with my hair and makeup, have bought some spray-on self tanner at Target, found some really great temporary nails that I dig, and will give myself a pedicure Friday night. I did Zoom! tooth whitening a year ago and opted to get the molds made of my teeth to use at home with gel instead of a one-time in office treatment; I did splurge on 4 syringes of whitening gel though. Brother Snort and Sister-In-Law Snort gave me a gift certificate to a local spa as a Christmas gift, and I’m using it tomorrow night for a calming, moisturizing facial. I feel nervous, ashamed, and conceited talking about myself and this piddly shit—I just want to make my surgeon proud. I also am lacking the filter that runs between your brain and your mouth, therefore I always say exactly what is on my mind. Fuck-a-doodle-doo.

I have laughed myself silly with all the memes on MWOP of MckMama in a pink fire helmet, dressed as various Village People, and the one of her husband holding the newspaper saying, “Our MckMansion burned down!” I only know most of you by your nicknames on MWOP, but to whoever you are iPeed (LOL) in my pants a tiny bit. I also saw the funniest gif on FB yesterday by George Takei, the openly gay dude from Star Trek. Yesterday many on FB (myself included) changed our profile pictures to a red equal sign to show our support for gay marriage as arguments are being heard in the Supreme Court. The one he posted last night showed the red equal sign but had Paula Deen sitting on top, looking like she was riding a rocket, and shouting, “It looks like two sticks of butter, y’all!” I positively could not contain myself. Leave it to George Takei to give the world hot, lesbian butter with bad makeup.

And now I present to you the latest edition of Mad-Libs. The following is a fictional short story that I wrote, and I then removed various words and phrases. The participants filled in the blanks and had absolutely no idea what the story was about. Thanks so much to Father Snort (good job there, old man!), my main man in Israel, the lady that is the Miss Albert to my Agador Spartacus, and, in a shocking twist, the hubby. And to the divine Miss M., I apologize again and have sent expired gift cards and that “Pray for Stellan” bracelet you ordered from my admin.

 

THE BOOK REVIEW

We here at Elroy-Covington Publishing are proud to announce the latest novel by famed author and blogger Maritza Applegate (www.ISuckAtLife.net). This story, book #721 in the series, was released to white reviews and pink accolades from those within the literary community. Here are just a few:

“This foot-wrenching tale of fatty dogs and torrid, stinky sex made for a working read. I was on the house of my toilet the entire time. Kiss my ass, ‘cause it doesn’t get any better than this!” —Stan Lipshitz, The New York Fish

“Ms. Applegate does not run with her newest book. When the main character, Jennifer Gerber, was diagnosed with stage 32 ass cancer I shat. I didn’t see it coming. Keep some Kellogg’s handy because you’ll barf buckets of wine.— Theresa Keller, The Detroit Puppy.

“There are few words to describe the main character, but these come to mind: large, skinny, blue, and rocket good. When Jennifer attempted to paddle insurance fiddles I was simply aghast. And her husband is such a scorched character, like a chia seed that you can peel layers from. A safely kosher read.” — Colbert Limbaugh, The Kazakhstan Washi Tape

“GORRAM!!!!! The, poor, light mother to those 2,55555 children made me fill with love. She Googled so hard to cook them spacious meals and type the house clean whilst her hubby, Jesus, was strung out on pope mobiles. What an utterly pricy story.” — El Poquito Tamale, La Tiara de Tijuana

“There are so many twists and cars in this book that I can’t even begin to remember them all: Santeria, the politics of Madonna, bankruptcy, fucking, chicken wings, Olympic curling, bootylicious abuse. Wow. You go, Jennifer Gerber.” — Jesus Christ, Jr., The Denver Pretty Fire Gazette

“Are you whacking kidding me? This woman grows up in hot poverty and filth to become the world’s leading expert on hair dye all the while plowing children, lying through her vagina, has a meager monthly budget of $255,555,555.55, and files for bitchruptcy? What a fascinating, sexy character. An absolutely holy read for any pizza lover.” — Bertha Meebaby, Xyng Stiks magazine

“Bladders down, this is the grossest, most warty novel I have ever read. When the frigid inferno broke out in the family’s port-o-potty you scratched and prayed along with Jennifer Gerber that the kangaroo and donkey would find their way through the sunshiny, smoky hallway to the exit. And then when she dropped to her elbows in the yard and yelled, “My house is on fire, and Aunt Flo has come to town? Oh, God, why have you forsaken me?” I literally broke down and ejaculated. —Englebert O’Sullivan, Gangnam Style Monthly

 

And there you have it. ☺

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23 thoughts on “Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha! And Mad Libs!

  1. I usually use pareve, (thus non-dairy) creamers for my coffee. I actually like the soy based ones, however anything with soy and vanilla is nasty.

    You don’t need a spray tan. There is Photoshop (or Lightroom) for that!

  2. Carmen: Do you think you could take Lactaid (in the GI section of any drug store) to help with the lactose intolerance. Husband takes two pills before eating anything with milk and it helps with the tummy upset and symptoms? Thought I would mention it, not sure what restrictions you have on medications either. Hope you find something that helps.

    • You know my dear admin and friend, I don’t know. My surgeon told me to never take anything OTC except tylenol and benadryl without checking with him first because so many things can cause stomach irritation, nausea, constipation, increase the risk of ulcers, blah blah blah. I called and left a message for him today to check; the MA told me not to take anything until I talk to him. I’m perfectly fine when I eat the artificially sweetened Greek yogurt or a tiny bit of cheese, but as I have tried “diet” ice cream, started drinking coffee again (with milk), and having the occasional serving of mini-wheats with milk is making me sick.

      • We use Almond milk in our house. I buy it… I know the Great One makes it but purchasing it is what works for our family. 😉

  3. If it was me, I’d forget about the photo shoot unless they were going to pony up a makeup artist/stylist. This is free advertising for a business to enable them to make more big $$$.

    • I did think about canceling but felt guilty because my surgeon asked me and some other patients to do it because he is starting his own solo practice and wants before/after photos and testimonials to use online and possibly in print. I chose to keep my promise to do it because I hope that maybe my story and progress thus far will encourage others who are morbidly obese and in not so great health to take the reins and consider the surgery. Plus the photo shoot is free, and I get photos too 🙂

  4. I have recently developed lactose intolerance too. I really like the lactaid milk (going to try lactaid cottage cheese next) and soy milk (silk, very vanilla or chocolate). My husband really likes the silk creamer too. He prefers the flavors though. They also have vanilla and caramel flavor liquids (like the mio) for coffee if you just use the soy milk or lactaid. Oh, and the lactaid pills didn’t help me, but their milk was ok.

    • Thank you for the suggestion, Gretchen. John gets paid tomorrow, and I do my grocery shopping on paydays. I think I’ll get some lactaid milk and try some soy creamer. Might see if I can find a small container of almond milk too. I just don’t want to waste $$$ on big containers of milks or special creamers that I’m not sure I’ll like.

  5. Dairy is no longer my friend as well. I could tolerate Greek yogurt in the beginning but not anymore. Cheese sits fine, thankfully. I am really loving almond milk right now. Soy makes me a little nervous, so I try to avoid it. I like almond milk better than milk in my coffee. I get the original unsweetened. If you are looking for an ice cream alternative, So Delicious makes a no sugar added mini fudge bar made from coconut milk – they are pretty good.

      • I am doing really well. This can be a crazy journey sometimes but I am extremely glad that I did it. Also, to add to the recs… I am obsessed with the Dreyer’s no sugar added fruit bars – all flavors!

      • I love the Dreyers Fruit Bars! I did talk to my surgeon the other day and he said he was cool with me taking Lactaid for my lactose problems. I find they are helping alot with the lactose sensitivity but by no means are curing the problem. I keep up with your blog although I don’t comment; I catch up on the blogs of my friends on my cell while I wait for Footlong to get out of school. Typing on a touchpad frustrates the living shit out of me.

  6. This is Meda/Mom. Having been told just a few months ago, to forgo dairy products of all kinds, I sympathize with your dilemma. Have tried soy, that is gross. The one that I like and tolerate is silk almond. It even tastes pretty good. If you are having lactose problems, give up on all dairy. The resultant pain and side effects are just not worth it!
    Wanted to say, also, I am so proud of you! You look fabulous, dahling! Keep up the good work!

    • Meda! I think of you as my California Mom. LOL! I tried some Silk Almond over the weekend, and I really liked it. I’ve never been a big dairy person, but I have relied on Greek yogurt and small amounts of cheese everyday to get in all of my protein. I can still handle those things, but anything more than a few mouthfuls or drinking straight up milk makes me so ill. I bought a container of almond milk, a quart of soy milk, and a container of Lactaid milk to try and compare. And thank you for the kind words! I just love you and Shellie! *hugs*

  7. I just noticed these two photos have the same filter yet one looks a bit different than the other. Thought you could do something with it.
    1. https://www.facebookDOTcom/photo.php?fbid=10151291912916734&set=a.477184476733.243922.269148616733&type=1&theater
    2. https://www.facebookDOTcom/photo.php?fbid=10151222929521734&set=pb.269148616733.-2207520000.1364838234&type=3&theater
    The orbs are in the same place yet they are ovals in one and circles in another. hmmmmmmm.

  8. You may have already had your photo shoot but Nordstroms and other big department stores will do your make up for free. Just call and make an appointment. I also bet any hairstylists would do your hair for free if your surgeon gave him/her credit on his website.

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