Last night I dreamed I was a cast member on my all-time favorite show, “Saturday Night Live.” I was Paula Deen and I hosted a late night, naughty cooking show on Food Network called “Paula Deen Uncensored.” I made hysterically awful recipes that had complete disregard for fat, sugar, and calories….even worse than she cooks now. And during the sketch as I cooked I got so turned on by the food that I was rubbing frosting on myself and moaning and dumping a bag of skittles down my pants and faking the big O. Then me and the celebrity host demonstrated how to make a grilled cheese sandwich using two pounds of cheddar cheese, 2 sticks of butter, and a whole loaf of French bread. I then dipped it in beer batter and tossed it in the deep fryer. When it came out I jammed a skewer in it and ate it like a corndog, moaning in ecstasy the whole time. Justin Timberlake was the celebrity host, and as I gnawed on the fried sandwich I was dry humping his leg like a dog and shouting, “C’mon JT! Make me feel like Jessica Biel!” I actually woke myself up laughing.
The only thing missing from the sketch was my fat ass crammed into a size 28 Miss Me jeans.