Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

It has been quite a while since one of my posts where I rant about shit that either irks, surprises, or confuses me. Here we go:

 

I receive daily emails from Groupon touting special deals for the local area. I live in Southern Arizona, so 80% of my offers are for Tucson and the surrounding area, and the remaining 20% are for Phoenix, which is 100 miles North. Today’s Groupon was a travel deal for several destinations:  “Scottsdale, AZ; Las Vegas; Rio Rico, AZ; Greater Phoenix; and China.” China? Are you fucking kidding me? Las Vegas is a stretch at 6.5 hours away, but the last time I checked China was on the other side of the fucking planet. I’m more of a discount mani/pedi kind of gal than a drop-me-off-in-a-foreign-country-with-no-guide kinda gal.

 

A couple of years ago is was made public that Michael Douglas (the actor) was treated for Stage IV throat cancer. He recovered and is doing well, but, however, he has opened his mouth and is telling every news outlet possible that he got throat cancer from….how can I say this delicately…..eating out at buffets infected with HPV (the virus that causes genital warts). Dude. Are you fucking kidding me? Now I may not have much of a filter between my brain and mouth, but there are some things you just fucking need to keep to yourself, ya know? Not all things are privvy to discussion. My own personal rule of thumb is this:  if I wouldn’t be comfortable saying something in front of my parents, then I should probably keep it to myself. All I’ve got to say (besides ewwwwwwwwwwwwww) is that if you’re going to eat out somewhere, check the Health Department rating beforehand and keep it to yourself.

 

HBO added the movie “Magic Mike” (the male stripper movie) to it’s movie rotation last week. It gave the movie, which was absofuckinglutely bashed by critics, 4 stars. 4 stars? Are you fucking kidding me? I’m sorry, but Channing Tatum et al. shaking their junk does not a 4 star movie make. To me a 4 star movie is pure cinematic brilliance; it is the perfect mesh of character, costumes, music, props, location, direction, cinametography, etc. You literally lose yourself in the story and the room could be on fire and you wouldn’t notice. If someone were to ask me to name a few 4 star movies I would say “The Last Emperor,” “Titanic,” “Casablanca,” “Schindler’s List,” “Gone With The Wind,” and “Pulp Fiction.” You know…movies of that caliber. Eye candy shaking their asses to a Pointer Sister’s song? Not so much.

 

A couple of weeks ago for shits and giggles I decided to become a red head. Red hair looks pretty decent on me. I use a semipermanent color (washes out in 28 shampoos) so I won’t wreck my hair. Red hair color is notorious for staining, and like a dipshit I forgot to spread a thin layer of Vaseline around my hairline and ears to prevent the haircolor from staining my skin. Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve been coloring my hair off and on since I was 16 and I fucking forgot to do this? I looked like a damn circus clown. I blew my hair dry, and I got the kids ready to run to the grocery store and a bead store. And how did I look? My hair was a beautiful dark cherry color and very shiny, my facial skin was clear since my period is over, and I had what looked like a giant ring of red lipstick going from my left ear, over the top of my forehead, and down to my right ear. I tried scrubbing it off, but, alas, I still look like a kindergartener colored on me.

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5 thoughts on “Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

  1. I really think it’s probably a good thing that Michael Douglas said something, because people don’t know about the effect HPV has – it’s a factor or cause in about 60% of oropharyngeal cancer cases. Some fun facts about HPV: 79 million Americans have it right now, and it’s so common that nearly 100% of sexually active people will contract it at some point in their lifetime. Some strains are permanent, like HSV and HIV, but 90% are temporary and completely gone within 1-2 years. The majority of people are asymptomatic to boot, so there’s practically no way that he could (1) have known if his partner had HPV/’checked the health department rating’ or (2) known that it could lead to cancer.

    I’m all in favor of saying things in a way that wouldn’t horrify my mother because I can picture her horrified face and it gives me nightmares, but these are the kinds of things that really should be talked about in a more open fashion so that people can protect themselves by making educated decisions about their behavior.

    • You know, Maggie, I see your point and agree that HPV and its effects should be made public so that people can be educated. I would rather read a pamphlet or see commercials educating the masses instead of hearing a person talking about getting HPV by eating at a bad restaurant. I don’t know why it skeeves me out—it just does. You made excellent points in comment.

      • I can understand being grossed out by the way the message is delivered, for sure. I did sex-ed as volunteer work as an undergrad so I’m hyperaware of how ignorant many people are about STIs and can get a little worked up about it. And since I’m a lawyer, I always back up my arguments, even when they’re not really that important. 🙂

        (Also, Michael Douglas used to be a chain smoker and I’m quite certain that played a larger role in his throat cancer than he is saying.)

  2. I tried to sit through Magic Mike. Made it about 20 minutes in and turned it off. That 4 stars has to be joke, at least I hope so. What’s next, Ted being nominated for an Oscar? (I love Ted, but it is not 4 star material!)

    • I was flipping channels and came across the “It’s Raining Men” dance then went back to flipping channels. If “Ted” or the latest “Scary Movie” get 4 stars I am going to pull my hair out.

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