Hi, I’m Snort. Carmen if you rather. I’m here today to tell you about a fabbbbbbbbbbbbbulous weight loss offer. I have lost 80 pounds. You read that right: 80 fucking pounds. Let me show you a before photo:
This is me here at my starting weight, right before I started taking these all-natural amazing health and wellness supplements. OMG, did they change me for the better! I took the pills. I shat the laxatives. I urinated the water intake. I mixxed raw eggs with my protein shake. I really didn’t change my diet. No exercise, that’s for damn sure. Here is my after photo showing me 50 pounds (and 7 sizes lighter):
Ermagawd. Can you see how SKINNY I am??? I was buoyed by your support and stayed on these miracles pills (hit me up at SnortIsAFuckingMiracleDOTgmailDOTcom). This is me less than two weeks later:
Not only have I lost 16 sizes, but the pills have conferred with my hair follicles and found the best hair color to suit me. This shit is magic. I do a ton of stuff I never did before: I sing karaoke, do a mean pelvic squat thrust, have taken a mimicry class and can make my mouth look just like a cat’s asshole, learned the before and after effects of house pharrs, and, this is a biggie, I have designed and mailed out a shit-ton of “Team Snort” t-shirt, thongs, socks, hoodies, ties, smoking jackets, pajamas, robes, prayer veils, and competition cheerleader uniforms. Don’t worry about buying Team Snort swag because the money stays within Team Snort and helps me maintain my 80 pound weight loss. Fuck you if you have no will power and cannot diet like regular folks. Some people are just better than others. xoxoxoxoxo my team of little Snortlets. And when we meet I will be climbing on your back, vodka bottle in hand, to make sure I am 1) on top of the pyramid, 2)You realize you are beneath me, and 3)So my Miss Me jeans don’t split. They only work standing up; if I sit they riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip right down the crotch. Talk soon.
And if you want go get beyond the snark and humour, here is a link to a blog post I published last June, the day someone publicly posted my documents about my drug addiction use, and my voluntary surrender of my nursing license. MY NAME IS CARMEN JACKSON, AND I AM A RECOVERING DRUG ADDICT. I USED TO STEAL LEFTOVER PAIN MEDICATIONS AFTER MY PATIENTS WERE MEDICATED IN THE ER. IN WAS CONFRONTED BY MANAGEMENT 3 YEARS AGO ON MAY 29, 2010, AND THAT MY FRIEND IS 3 YEARS SOBER. AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED, THERE IS NO FUCKING SHAME IN BEING HONEST ABOUT WHO YOU ARE. THOSE THAT CONSTANTLY POINT FINGERS BUT WON’T GO PUBLIC OBVIOUSLY GOT SHIT TO HIDE.