Owning and Wearing Your Skin

This is dedicated to a Coffee-Sipping Catholic   ♥

So I’m in one fucker of a mood right now because of PMS. Having my drug abuse re-hashed and mocking of my choice for gastric bypass rather than traditional dieting and willpower haven’t helped any. As you guys have noticed, I’m blunt, honest, have no filter between my brain and mouth, and will call it like I see it (tactfully if with a friend or someone I care for, all else be damned if I can’t stand you).

Someone yesterday left me a comment after reading the link I provided to the blog entry I wrote last June about coming clean regarding my drug addiction. Now, I’ve always admitted that I abused pain medication. When public documents from the board of nursing were made public on another blog (it doesn’t matter if you love me or hate me…you’re thinking about me!) I decided right then and there to make my form of a public statement. What this person wanted to know was how I manage to be comfortable in my own skin—comfortable enough to tell the truth, tell you to fuck off, and just be ok with who I am. She also mentioned her skin was tight and itchy—-moisturize, moisturize, moisturize!!! Just kidding.

I did not become comfortable in my own skin until I hit 30 or so. I grew up in the Bible Belt and knowing since I was a child that I was an atheist. I had to hide that so I wouldn’t draw unwanted attention to myself. I was 20-40 pounds heavier than my friends growing up, so I tried to dress like they did so I didn’t want to stick out any more than I did. I always went along with the majority because I didn’t want people challenging me or chiding me if my opinion differed from theirs. Growing up, even during nursing school, I did my best to fit in because I didn’t want to be sent to Social Siberia and have no friends other than an inflatable boyfriend.

I started speaking out and figuring out who I was as the decade of my 20’s progressed. I survived an emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive first marriage. That made me a bit stronger. I worked as a travel nurse for a couple of years, and I found that I could depend on myself and provide for myself even if I was in Alaska (I did work there for a Summer). I started reading JM’s blog when someone sent me the link about Stellan being ill. I read the blog faithfully, and I’ll be honest:  the bitch made me feel guilty. I had one son, and I didn’t take him places everyday, feed him organic food, dress him in brightly colored designer clothes and baby leggings, and have funny-looking wooden high chairs and seats. But the longer I read her blog the more I noticed little white lies. When confronted by others she would deflect, deny, or give her staple, “Sorry you must have misunderstood!” answer. One night, after talking to J about this twatwaffle, I told him that from here on out I’m just going to let the inner Carmen become the outer Carmen. Literally. What you see is what you get. What I think is what you will hear. You like me? Great! You don’t like me? Piss off. I came out openly as an atheist. I stopped feeling guilt and shame and realized that I was a great parent to Footlong. I was worthy of sharing my opinion and giving/receiving respect just as much as the next person. The cussing isn’t new though; that’s been around for quite awhile.

When Jennifer’s bankruptcy documents and audio recording of her 341 meeting were made public I was absofuckinglutely astounded that the bitch kept trying to lie her way out of it. The truth was literally printed on black and white court documents, but she couldn’t admit the truth. She had PayPal accounts? The MWOPers must have set them up and made deposits to frame her. Did she own a second RV? NO. Did she sell and RV on Craigslist? Yes, but she had never owned it. Several months later when the public documents regarding my drug use were published I knew I had three options:  1) Keep quiet and pretend I didn’t know about it.  2) Pull a Jennifer and deflect and deny until I was green in the face. Or 3). Tell the truth and embrace it for what it was. I can’t go back and change my past. No one can. But trying to lie about black and white documents bearing my own signature would have been a totally assholish MckMama type of move. You can’t change the past, but fucking hell you can certainly decide how to handle the present—that will eventually morph it’s way into your future. Am I embarrassed? Of course I am; I wouldn’t be human if I wasn’t. Am I mad someone posted it? Not really because I knew it was a public document. Did I want to go back to being the Carmen that internalized everything for fear of drawing attention to herself, or did I want to become Carmen, a grown woman in her 30s who has finally embraced her life, mistakes, self-image, opinions, beliefs, desires, and put it all out there for the world to see? I chose the latter. Sometimes reading hurtful things about myself of being insulted hurts. I’m human; I feel pain. But am I going to let it get the best of me or make me change who I am so please someone else who has issues? FUCK NO.

So, that is how I got to where I am and how I got comfortable in my own skin. Which, with the weight loss, is looking more and more loose and dimply, but that’s for another blog post altogether.  If any of you want to send me a photo with your age, height, weight, and size for our “One Month to Vegas” challenge please do so this week. And give yourself a fake name so you can stay anonymous. Send photos to thesnortfiles@gmail.com

Love you guys!! I’m blessed to have people accept me for me, and it feels good.

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23 thoughts on “Owning and Wearing Your Skin

  1. BRAVO! BRAVO!!! I found this very inspiring and screw the haters! I’ll try the moisturizer. 😉 I’ll let you know if it works. 😀 But truly, your blog makes me laugh, makes me think, and inspires me along my weight loss journey. Of course, at this moment in my life, I’m just *thinking* about the 50lbs plus which I’ve been trying to shed for the last 22 years….but, at least it’s in the thought processes. 😀 You are a remarkable woman!

    • Well, I certainly didn’t think this post deserved an BRAVO!, but thank you…I may even be blushing some right now. I always thought about losing weight, but after having 6-inch and hating how I looked I decided to step up and take charge. You, I’m sure, are a remarkable woman as well! Thank you for wasting a few minutes of you day here!

  2. Carmen, Your post is so brutally honest. I don’t think people understand the stresses of nursing. I am an ICU nurse, like the ER, we usually see the worst. Most of my patients are tubed and very ill. Many do not make it. I have had two very good friends succumb to drug use, both after injuries. As I sit here typing this my back is killing me from moving a heavy patient today. I have struggled with being who I am and have done really well at being upfront and honest. This new issue with the ex-wife has thrown me. Somehow on some level I think I am afraid of her. As these emotions come out I am also struggling with my appearance so I will be participating in the one month to Vegas challenge and hope to lose 30 pounds. Be proud of where you have come and the odds you have beaten. You look amazing and beautiful. Screw the idiots that want to criticize. Like JM, their lives must be totally fucked up to need to keep sticking their nose in yours.

    • Thanks, Debbie. That is what I think all honest adults should be able to give: brutal honesty. I’m so glad that you are an ICU nurse (I did some time there!) and can understand what I’ve seen and gone through. I’m not the first nurse I know to have had a drug or alcohol problem and lose their license. I remember the aching in my back after giving bed baths to 600 lb. patients who were tubed, and it took 6 or 8 of us to do the turning and lifting in the bed. There is nothing more you can be proud of than being upfront, honest, and admitting your fuck ups. I look forward to getting your picture for the Vegas challenge. I bet we see more of a difference in our bodies than Jennifer will. LMAO.

  3. To hell with those that mocked you for a life changing decision. They suck! I have learned the same as you to be comfortable in my skin. You are an awesome woman Snort. Don’t let it get to you and keep your head high. Thank you for all you’ve done for me friend.

    • That’s ok, Shari—I’ve learned that those that mock are usually doing it to deflect attention from themselves. I don’t mock Jennifer because I’m hiding anything; I mock her because she is a compulsive liar, cheat, fake, poser, and greedy person. I find you to be an awesome woman as well, Shari. I’m glad we’re friends.

  4. Everyone has things in life they wished they hadn’t done and all we can do is hope we learn from them and move on. You are a good person and you are working every day to move past all of it and make the most of every day, in my book, that takes guts.

    At least JenJen gave a lot of us at MWOP one thing we can be grateful for.. getting to met you and all the fun that goes with it (even if it is just over the internet). You just keep on being you and smile! xoxo

    • I love the shit out of you, Cindy. I really do. I have said to J a million times, “The only good thing about Jennifer McKinney is that she has introduced me to a community where I have made so many friends from so many different backgrounds.” I honestly think of y’all as my real friends, not just these ladies (and Hevel) that I chat with on the net.

  5. I second mwopmom7 and the others, I enjoy your writing and comments on MWOP even if others choose to attack you. I’m sure those people lead perfect lives (yeah, right). If they can’t see that you’re not Jen, that you have actually worked hard to get where you are, that you are a human being who made and then OWNED her mistakes, they can piss off indeed. I don’t get over to MWOP too often anymore. It makes my blood pressure too crazy to see what b.s. JenJen is up to. But I do check in on you because you are a a great, funny lady.

    Also, fellow atheist here. It’s tricky to be atheist in this world, kudos to you for not hiding it. I’m still carefully tiptoeing around Catholic relatives. Take care!

    • Thank you for the lovely comment, and I’m glad you enjoy reading my profane musings and comments. Nice to meet another fellow atheist. On FB probably 90% of my friends are friends from back home who are Baptist, Methodist, or Catholic. I find that most are very tolerant and respectful of my views, and I in turn respect what they chose to believe. It chaps my ass though when people preach to me telling me I’m going to hell or need to get to know Jesus. Some people can’t respect an opinion; what is their own opinion isn’t an opinion—it is a fact to them. Just remember: Atheism is a non-prophet organization!!

  6. I am also an Atheist, and figured it out from around age 9. I have to tiptoe around it IRL a lot, & it sucks, but you have to keep the peace sometimes. So I just smile a lot, & keep my mouth shut & ignore prayer requests. 🙂

    • I don’t pray obviously, but daily I think of my “Wish List.” My Wish List is my version of prayer except that it is not directed at a deity. For example, one day may go like this: “I hope Shellie’s aunts are ok and that she and her mom aren’t under too much stress. I hope that my friends in OK are safe from the tornadoes. I wish my mom could find a job she likes and make more money. I wish 6-inch could communicate better. I hope Jane feels better tomorrow and kicks that bad cold.” When my extended family gets together (on the rare occasion we make it home), everyone joins hands and says a blessing before we eat. I bow my head respectfully but do not say amen. I believe in showing in respect, and I absolutely hate people getting in my face trying to push my buttons because I believe in evolution and they believe in creationism. I better stop now. But, TA, I feel ya. I tip-toed around for many years, but I just can’t break it to my grandma that I’m an atheist. She is the sweetest little old Christian lady you’d ever want to meet; I feel like it would really disappoint her.

      • Oh, I also have a “good wishes” list, and think positive thoughts for a lot of people & situations. I totally understand about your grandma. It’s better to let some (especially elderly) live in somewhat of fantasy world. I cannot stand to hurt or disappoint those close to me.

  7. Well, now I want to be friends for real instead of an occasional commenter. I need more snarky atheists in my life. 🙂 (Especially living in WV, where I have plenty of snarky friends, but almost no atheists.)

    • I wish we could be IRL friends. I’ve only been through a tiny piece of WV on I-81. Everyone could use a good snarky atheist and one awesome gay guy friend; they are like classic accessories that never go out of style.

  8. So I’m a long time MWOP lurker, fan of Snort that still wants to know what brand of press on nails you use that seem to work so well. I’m a lover of honesty, but don’t have the guts to put all my shit out there so I stay in my lurking corning living through others that have the guts/balls to say what I feel, but don’t have the nerve to post. Wife & Mother of 2 full time employee in my own little corner.

    Thanks for your humor, your honesty, and for what it’s worth, please know someone out there appreciates you.
    J…

    • Thank you so much for the kind words, Judith! The brand name of the nails are Broadway, and they come in a plastic container that looks like a bottle of nail polish. They come in a bunch of funky patterns and a few solid colors as well as a French manicure. They’re about $8 or so. Feel free to comment here all you like, and if there is anything you want to know just ask; I’m pretty much an open book 🙂

  9. “What you see is what you get. What I think is what you will hear. You like me? Great! You don’t like me? Piss off.”

    I want to be like this when I grow up.

    SweetFancyJerkwad

  10. Snort, my friend, it’s not about how you start; it’s how you finish. You’re awesome and I have a lot of respect for someone who can own their mistakes but not be owned by them.

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