I have something that I need to confess. I have lied to all of you. Deceived you. And I need to come clean.


I did not have gastric bypass surgery. Yes, I am down over 85 pounds, but I didn’t have surgery. I’m sorry I lied.


I didn’t use any magic pill or even Weight Watchers.


How did I do this?


I CALLED THE WEIGHT LOSS LAWYER! Do you need to lose 50, 75, or even 100 pounds? Are you sick of that stubborn fat sticking around even though you’ve served it an eviction notice? Call The Weight Loss Lawyer! We will negotiate with your body fat and will lower your BMI—Guaranteed! You’ll lose weight for pennies on the dollar. You see that Krispy Kreme donut? It has 350 calories, but after meeting with The Weight Loss Lawyer that donut now contains 25 calories! My body fat was shaking in my thighs after my initial consultation with The Weight Loss Lawyer! Fuck salads, surgery, calorie counting and other “fads.” The Weight Loss Lawyer offers pills, sprinkles, laxatives, and the legal know-how to make your body fat shrink OR ELSE. What are you waiting for? Get off your ass and call toll-free 1-800-Fuk-Fatt.


Photos and Numbers

Friday night my girlfriend Deena came down from Phoenix, and I got all dressed up for girls night out. It has been awhile since I have had J take a photo of me to share here or on FB, so here you go. The dress was size XL and made of stretchy material. I am wearing one pair of Spanx underneath for a smoother silhouette since I have lots of loose skin, particularly in my abdomen. Everything you see is real, and the photos were taken with my cell phone.



As a reminder…..this is me pre-surgery at almost 300 pounds:




And from the front:





And here I am Friday weighing 208 lbs:










And no….I did not trip and fall while wearing those shoes   🙂


Happy Birthday 6-Inch!!!

Today my sweet little 6-inch, also known as Preston, turns 2. My heart aches at how fast my last little baby is growing, but at the same time I am so excited to see him grow. This blog post is lovingly dedicated to him and will include a ton of photos after my story.


A couple of months after I went to rehab for drug use John and I were having a rocky time. I put the poor man through the wringer. His sister was getting married in September so we had to fly home to Georgia for the occasion. I decided to keep Footlong (who wasn’t in school yet) home in GA with me for another six weeks. We needed some breathing room. We returned home November 10, 2010 and immediately conceived 6-inch. We weren’t trying; he was a very sweet surprise. John figured out I was pregnant before I did because of his built-in boob radar. The day after Thanksgiving he went to Walgreens and returned with a box of pregnancy test sticks; he made me pee on them, and I watched in shock and disbelief when it turned positive. I didn’t feel pregnant like I did with Footlong. We made the round of phone calls telling folks we were pregnant, and we referred to the baby as Baby Jackson version 2.0. We eventually gave “it” a nickname until the gender ultrasound, so we called our baby Gizmo. My pregnancy with Gizmo was very different than my pregnancy with Footlong (whom we called “Skeletor” until we knew his gender). I had bad nausea, but no vomiting or weight loss. I felt him move at 16 weeks whereas I felt Footlong at 22 weeks. We decided on names as well:  Maisie Elizabeth for a girl, and John Preston for a boy. I had a gut feeling that Gizmo was a girl, so I bought one or two little girl outfits. When we went for our 20 week ultrasound we found that we had a healthy baby who was developing normally. And then the announcement:  “Congratulations! It looks like you have another son!” I was shocked. Then I was thrilled. I love little boys.


We had saved nearly all of Garrett’s baby clothes, his crib, and his stroller. All I needed was a breast pump and a new car seat. Preston loved to kick and turn, and I loved being pregnant. At 28 weeks I started having contractions that wouldn’t stop no matter how much water I drank or how much I rested. There were no cervical changes yet, and the OB wanted to keep it that way. Mother Snort flew out to Tucson and stayed with me since I was put on modified bedrest. She cleaned the house. She played with Footlong. She cooked dinner. She rubbed my sore feet and back, and I spent most of my days laying on the love seat, watching the Casey Anthony trial, and drinking ice-cold Perrier like it was going out of style. Every night when it cooled down I went for a long, leisurely walk outside so that I could get some exercise. Footlong, John, and my mom loved to feel Preston kick and roll around, and our favorite thing to do was put the TV remote on top of my stomach and watch it wiggle and dance as he squirmed around.


Toward the end of my pregnancy my blood pressure started increasing. At my 37-week visit my BP was 158/90. I had no signs of preeclampsia, so the doctor just wanted to monitor me. There was no improvement. I was scheduled for an induction on July 27, 2011 at 38.5 weeks. I was induced at 6:00 am, and by noon I was a 4 cm. At 10:00 pm I was still at 4 cm, so the OB decided to proceed with a C-Section. My little man was born at 10:12 pm weighing in at 7 lb 14 ounces and was 19 inches long. He had dark brown hair (what little of it there was) and chubby cheeks. He breastfed well, and I was elated when my mom and Garrett showed up about 30 minutes after his birth. Seeing Footlong hold his little brother is a moment I’ll always remember. And my mother was in Na-Na heaven. John was rather proud and happy too.


Today my sweet little man has brown hair and brown eyes just like his mommy. He has the cutest teeth, the sweetest laugh, and is quite vocal when he is upset. He likes cartoons, flipping through books (but not being read to), going outside, playing in the water, and dancing with Mommy when she plays music. He idolizes his big brother. He is in speech therapy and can now say two words and has progressed leaps and bounds in his interactions with people through play therapy. I love him and his brother so very much and am so blessed that they are my boys.





Yep, there is a baby in there!







Baby Gizmo making his first appearance!





Footlong loving Gizmo when I was about 12 weeks pregnant.





16 weeks or so.





Introducing Preston! 20 weeks.





Around 24 weeks.





So excited to have a little brother on the way!





Swimming to beat the summer heat!





Around 34 weeks I got to see his face!





A day or two before induction. I looked down, and all I could see was belly!





Our blessing right after the doctor delivered him!





The brothers meet!!





Mother Snort and Footlong with sweet baby 6-inch.





Proud Daddy!!










Time to head home!





Helping a brother out.





Growing so fast!





Watching cartoons with Brother.





Waking up happy!





“Swimming” for the first time with his brother.





And fast forward to today! That sweet baby has turned into this spunky toddler!


Happy Birthday, Tinky. Mama, Daddo, and Brother love you more than you will ever know. Our family wasn’t complete until you came along. ♥

The No-Name Post

There is nothing of note going on right now at Casa Snort, therefore I didn’t want to strain the brain coming up with a name for this post. See how efficient I am? I can’t believe that in the beginning I used to blog daily—now I wonder for a week or two what in the hell to say. Guess it is a good thing I don’t have paid sponsors, huh?


Sweet little 6-inch will be 2 on Saturday! Our best friends are coming down from Phoenix Friday night, and while the boys (and J) play my friend Deena and I are going to have some girl time. The plan is to have dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant (grilled shrimp fajitas (no tortillas) and beans for me!) then go shopping at this awesome jewelry store at the outlet mall where everything is $1.00. Seriously. Other than my wedding set, a ring I got for Mother’s Day a few years ago, and a London Blue Topaz solitaire ring J bought me last month I own no nice jewelry. I subscribe to a monthly gift thing called Pop Sugar Must Haves, and for $35/month I receive $100+ of products. Each box is full of different things, usually from smaller, independent company that are trying to introduce their products to a wide market. I’ve received novels, gourmet foods, perfume, skin care products, makeup, a cashmere scarf, underwear, a robe, and occasionally I receive jewelry from up and coming designers. I’m babbling, but my point is that other than my rings and some bracelets and necklaces that retail for about $50 each, all of the jewelry I wear costs $1.00. The name of the store is Glitter–if you have one near you go check it out. Back to 6-inch now! On Saturday we are going to spend the day at Tucson’s shitty water park because the kids love it then we will head back to Casa Snort for pizza, cake, and ice cream. J recently bought an ice cream maker, so he is excitedly pouring through ice cream cookbooks trying to find something awesome to make for 6-inch on his special day.


I’ve been working out 5 days a week at the YMCA (where we actually pay for our membership). Right now I’m doing cardio, and my trainer will start me on strength training in another couple of weeks. I mainly like to do the treadmill; on the “fat burning” setting I can bang out a 600 calorie workout in one hour. I tried the elliptical, but my body rejected it and found it detestable.


Last night I painted my fingernails turquoise.


I’m on my second cup of coffee this morning. I take it with a splash of Lactaid milk and 3 Splenda.


If I could use a pair of kitchen tongs to perform a hysterectomy on myself right now I would. Since my surgery I am limited to Tylenol and Tylenol only for pain. That shit doesn’t do a damn thing for these cramps.


I went to Marshall’s the other night. I came home with two pair of Lucky Brand ballet flats (on clearance) and a pair of Juicy Couture flip-flops (also on clearance). I bought two dresses ($20 each) and a Juicy Couture t-shirt. I also bought Footlong a new backpack and lunch bag.


I’m looking forward to seeing photos of people in Las Vegas this weekend. You know what I mean. *cough, cough*


6-inch, who used to fucking HATE wearing shoes, now loves to wear them. It is not unusual to see him stomping around in Footlong’s sneakers or a pair of my ballet flats. He tried J’s shoes one night but they were so big and heavy that the poor little guy toppled over.


As I type this I am wearing light gray yoga pants, a peach tank top, a sea green sports bra, and am sporting lavender toe nails and turquoise finger nails. All I need is a pair of huarache sandals and I could pass for a cast member of Miami Vice.


My weight loss is slowly inching toward 90 pounds.


You see how boring life is right now?



Fuck Me Running

Holy shit, y’all. It has been one helluva week here at Casa Snort, and the only thing that pops to mind is a spontaneous quote made by my dear friend Shannon in the 10th grade during a moment of pure exasperation:  “Well, just fuck me running!” It was probably funnier in person.


Father Snort has been visiting with us for the last week, and he leaves to head back East in the morning. With all of the shopping and cleaning done prior to his arrival I decided to scrap the “photo challenge.” Let’s face it; JM won’t lose a pound between now and the end of the month. We all know it. Bacon, heavy cream, eggs, restaurant food, chili, cornbread, getting her bunions some sun by the pool, and her magic pills aren’t going to do shit. She’s still going to look like a hot mess. I just can’t wait for the pictures.


Damn that last paragraph was really bitchy. Excuse me. It is a combination of fatigue and PMS doing the talking.


So what has been going on here this past week? I spent last weekend (June whatever) grocery shopping, cleaning the house, and squeezing in some workouts at the YMCA. As for my own weight I am still at a loss of 85 pounds. My surgeon told me things would slow down after the first six months because my pouch would stretch out and I would be eating more. I’m not eating copious amounts, but I am eating more than 800 calories a day now. I keep telling myself to be patient and remind myself that I’m also bloated because of PMS and my love of salt.


We were absolutely miserable the first three days of my Dad’s visit. We don’t have central AC; we have something called a swamp cooler that is an air conditioning alternative that works really well in dry climates. When it is 115 outside it never gets above 85 in the house, plus we have fans to use. Anyhoo, the first three days he was here the temp in the house was 95 almost around the clock. We called our landlord who in turn called in a technician to come check things out. Turns out that the first thunderstorm of monsoon season (July 1) blew the cover off of the swamp cooler. Why does that matter? When there is no cover over the unit the unit will just take outside air and blow it into the house. Imagine your AC set to 105 and having that blow through the house all freaking day long, and lows at night in the mid-80s. We were miserable and too sweaty and exhausted to go and do anything. Dad got the kiddos a huge inflatable pool for the backyard, and they have enjoyed swimming. I have cooked some of Dad’s favorite dishes. Dad adores my husband (in a ‘You are a good man and treat my daughter well’ kind of way) and they hung out some and watched movies. Both boys have enjoyed time with Paw-Paw; I just hate that Mother Snort couldn’t come for a visit as well. She just started a new job and could not take the time off.


My hubby has spoiled me rotten, knowing my love of the Olympics, and bought me the 4-disc DVD of the 2008 Beijing games as well as VHS tapes of the 1984, 1988, 1992, and 1996 Summer games. I also got DVDs of the 2002 and 2010 Winter Olympics. (FYI, he got me the DVD of the 2012 London games for my birthday last year.)


And yes, I have bought shoes since I last blogged….but only one pair. They were absolutely fierce, plus I got a huge discount at ShoeDazzle with my points earned.


We here in Arizona as a whole are still coming to terms with the deaths of 19 firefighters fighting a fire near Prescott. It seems like good things never happen here. Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and so many others were shot at a Safeway grocery store less than 10 minutes from my house. There is constant fighting about immigration, gangs, violence, and little girl that was kidnapped over a year ago (I used to work with her mother) has never been found. I think the only good things to come out of Tucson are Linda Ronstadt, Kerri Strug, and the many movies and TV shows filmed at the movie studios here in town, like “Revenge of the Nerds”, “Tombstone,” “The Three Amigos,” and “Bonanza.”


Now I’m just rambling. Forgive me.


One more thing. My days as a redhead are over. My hair is now dark violet. Seriously. My hair looks a little darker than a purple Skittle. I took a photo, but the flash and harsh bathroom lighting make it look lighter than it is—that shit is straight up legit violet. I feel like a My Little Pony doll.






Goodnight my friends.