35

Hello ladies and Hevel¬† ūüôā

This past weekend was my 35th (cringe) birthday. Now some people celebrate birthdays, some don’t. Some enjoy people fawning over them, some couldn’t give a shit. Personally, I fall in the middle. I don’t expect a giant ass surprise party or a party at all, but it means the world to me when my friends and family let me know how loved I am and that they’re glad I was born. A cake. A bouquet of flowers. A card. A $400,000 CFD house with a balloon payment in 8 months. You know…the norm. But this birthday stung¬†a little bit. Some of you may think I’m selfish and blowing this out of proportion. That is fine, and you are entitled to your opinion. What happened though did hurt my feelings, and I spent most of Friday night vacillating between crying and anger (with some PMS thrown in).

I have few friends out here. Most were travel nurses who have since moved on to other states. I have a fellow MWOP friend who is about 8 months pregnant, so I had a feeling she didn’t want a girls night out. I turned to my best friend here in Arizona. She lives in Mesa, which is a suburb of Phoenix. Given that we lives 120 miles apart, visits are few and far between. I called her my Mormon counterpart because she is exactly like me except she is Mormon:¬† a foul sense of humor, cusses like a sailor, drinks, goes to clubs, etc. I emailed her last Monday asking if she wanted to do a girls night out on Saturday, and she and her son (who is Footlong’s¬†best friend) could spend the night. She sent me an emphatic YES!!!! We planned dinner at our favorite restaurant, I bought a new outfit, we planned to go shopping, and then to TDs¬†which is….um….a gentlemen’s club, and then back home for cake and cocktails at midnight. One thing that Deena is famous for is cancelling at the last minute , and usually with shitty excuses. She’ll then post on FB photos showing her doing something completely different. I emailed her Friday to ask what time she was coming Saturday, and her response, “Oh, yeah, I, um, forgot that I was supposed to go to a church dinner.” Really? I find that hard to believe because she keeps a calendar in her kitchen with all per plans. I was devastated, hurt, angry, and made a big stink on FB. One of my fellow MWOP friends, M, called me out on how nasty I was (thank you, M, perhaps I was too nasty), but I had been looking forward to a girls night out all week. We can’t leave 6-inch with a babysitter or take him in public places because of his sensory issues (tantrums, head banging, etc).

I spent Friday night holed up in my chic cave (men have a man cave, I have a chic cave) with some pinot noir and episodes of Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix. I came out about 11:00 pm and found that John and Footlong had baked and decorated two dozen cupcakes (which, sadly, I couldn’t eat because of all the sugar and how sick it would make me), I had a bouquet of balloons, a special balloon that Footlong picked out, a bouquet of carnations from my parents, and 6-inch picked out one of those little balloons that come on a plastic stick. I cried. I was so touched because John has NEVER done anything for me on my birthday other than saying “Happy Birthday.” I got THREE triple-wrap LaMer watches:¬† tan, royal blue, and aqua. The tan and royal blue have chains and jewels, the aqua is just a plan wrap. Here is a photo of the blue one:

lamer

They are designer watches, and LaMer has designed a line just for Target. You can also visit their website to choose more colors, options for chain/jewelry, or design your own watch. I love them!

And, for shits and giggles, I got my hair colored again. The very first one of you that makes a MckHair joke I am going to boil you in coconut oil, sprinkle you with flax seeds, and feed you to the bunnies/cats/kittens/Roobii/Chib, Chub, and Daisy, and all the tutu-ed goats I can get my hands on.

hair

Boring Is Good

  • I’m amazed that I still have some readers since I hardly ever write anymore. To those of you who are actually reading this…..Hello!

What has been happening in my life and at Casa Snort lately? Let’s see…..

  • I mopped the kitchen floor the other day (we have tile floors). About ten minutes later I went back in the kitchen and my feet found the only wet spot left on the floor. Both of my feet shot out from under me and I landed on my back. It knocked the wind out of me, but I was able to get up and walk. I knew nothing was broken because I could walk, had full range of motion, and didn’t have any numbness/tingling/burning, but the next morning I was in so much pain that I was having to walk hunched over. I went to urgent care and got some x-rays. The doctor offered me prescriptions for a muscle relaxant and for Percocet. I declined the Percocet knowing that the pain would ease up in a few days, but the muscle relaxant has helped tremendously.
  • Footlong is now enrolled in a clinical study sponsored by the University of Arizona Speech and Language department. They were looking for children ages 7-9 and are studying how much each child can comprehend in regards to vocabulary, reading, etc. They are also interested in bilingual children and wanted to know what languages J and I can speak. In his initial hour-long session with the investigators Footlong was given a test where he was given a sentence to read and then had to fill in the blank with an appropriate word that was missing from the sentence. They started him at a second-grade sentence, and lo and behold the child read sentences and gave vocabulary words all the way up to the 10th grade sentences. I am gobsmacked and so proud of my baby.
  • 6-inch is making slow progress in regards to his speech therapy. He can say two words, but his non-verbal communication has improved greatly. If he wants something he will come and fine me, grab my hand, pull me to where he wants to go, and put my hand on what he wants¬† (the doorknob means go outside, or he’ll open the pantry and put my hand on the box of cereal he wants). It is a joy to see him expressing himself more. He will also be getting evaluations from a sensory therapist as he has some sensory issues, especially in public places.
  • J and I have decided to drive home for the holidays. Airline tickets for the 4 of us came to about $2000. We can make the 4 day drive to and from for less than¬†half of that…..and that includes spending one night both coming and going at Brother Snort’s house in Louisiana.
  • My body is absorbing everything differently since surgery. I was warned of this, and it is frustrating. I am now lactose intolerant and am punished severely when I consume dairy products. J bought an ice cream maker in June, and he has been kind enough to make me batches of fruit sorbets¬†that are sweetened with Splenda instead of sugar so I won’t experience Dumping Syndrome from excessive sugar intake. My all-time favorite is kiwi sorbet. My depression and anxiety have been vacillating wildly over the last few months, and my psychiatrist has had to increase the doses of some of my medications. I was warned that this could slow my weight loss down as some psychotropic medications can cause weight gain. I have been at a loss of 90 pounds for several weeks now. Even with working out at the gym and eating as I should I am only losing a pound every week or two. It is frustrating, but I know I’ll eventually reach my goal. I’m feeling better mentally and am functioning better, and that is more important to me than dropping a several pounds a week.
  • J had a birthday recently, and 6-inch and I snuck up to where he works and delivered 5 cakes and 5 gallons of ice cream in addition to a candy bouquet for him. The kicker? We went to surprise him and found that he had gone out to lunch with his buddies. The receptionist helped me set everything up in the break room, and I felt like a total idiot sitting there with a fussy toddler and people giving me sideways glances. Somebody called J and told him I was there, and he appeared about ten minutes later. He was surprised and happy which made me happy.
  • I have turned our 3rd bedroom into my “chic cave.” Men have man caves, so I figured I could have a cave too. The bedroom holds extra furniture and our extra TV, and in the evenings after John gets home I get an hour or two respite in there watching TV, texting with friends, having a snack, and getting caught up on FB, MWOP, and the news on CNN. It is heavenly having some quiet time to myself after a long day of being a mom, cooking, cleaning, going to the gym, and running other errands.
  • I am having outpatient surgery on Wednesday morning (a minor procedure) and would appreciate any good thoughts, prayers, or juju that you could send my way.
  • I find myself commenting less and less on MWOP which probably makes some people very happy. Seriously though, I’ve just reached the point where I am so fucking sick of Jennifer McKinney and my making snarky comments isn’t doing anything. Me being nasty isn’t going to hasten Karma kicking her ass, so I just now mainly read and shake my head. I know for a fact she will have a visit from Karma sooner than later.
  • I have several pair of knee-high boots that I bought last winter after having surgery. My calves are now small enough that all of the boots zip completely and comfortably reach all the way to my knees. Sometimes it amazes me at how baggy my pajamas or older clothes are. I wore two different pair of jeans in the professional photo shoot I had done in March; both of them are no longer in my possession because they are too big. I put on my size 26 jeans that I wore the day of surgery, and they wouldn’t even stay up. I can pull them up to my boobs and let go of the waist and they promptly fall to my ankles. I’ve had to get smaller bras and panties. I am small enough now that I can shop at regular stores like NY & Company, GAP, etc. That right there makes me freaking happy.

 

  • reddress

I bought this dress prior to surgery, and it now fits!  And the picture below was taken by Footlong because he liked my shirt.

 

shirt

 

 

I need to get up and start dinner. What’s going with you??

The Big 9-0

Time for an update! Have finally reached a 90 lb. loss putting me at just over 200 lbs. John took these this morning. Size 16 jeans, size XL shirt, makeup and hair by Snort.

90

902

 

 

badassfail

 

Every photo session has to have one “I’m a total badass” pose. In this case, I think its a total fail.

 

 

picasanecklace

 

 

And there you have it! Oh, and I apologize for not taking any pictures of my feet. Maybe next time.

Hey Y’all! It’s MockMama!!!

Well, y’all (I can say y’all because I have a relative who lives in Georgia) it has been a busy few months to be sure and I’ve neglected to blog.

So I guess you all heard about the internal house inferno that was fed with oxygen, right? We tried feeding it with helium, xenon, cobalt, and silicon but nothing happened. I prayed and God personally told me Oxygen was the way to go. It was so cool! I got a tarp on my roof, none of my windows were broken, I gorged myself on lasagna and chocolate milk, then I got to remodel the house. I had to sign something saying I would pay the….oh hell, what are they called? Land Barons? Land Workers? Land Loads?…..more money each month or something. It doesn’t matter because the bill basket was lost in the pharr. I’m also late on the Prop or¬†Pee taxes, but I’m not good with the financial stuff.

 

My company is sending me to Bora Bora soon. The connection on the phone wasn’t all that great so that said something either about laying in hammocks or covering my ham hocks. Not sure. I fly by the seat of my mullet skirt so we’ll figure it out when we get there. I hope they have karaoke and someone I can beat¬†down with the microphone. And I’ve been practicing my squat thrusts and cat asshole expression. I’m going to knock this out of the park. I’m thinking about adding an 8-count or two of the Funky Chicken, but I haven’t decided for sure yet.

 

I’ve been working really hard in the kitchen, trying to perfect my love of color with my love of food. Just a few weeks ago I marinated chicken in blue food coloring. Delish! I also made pulled chicken that looked like a cross between ramen noodles and cup of noodles. And carrots! Did you hear I made carrots? I should have photographed it but I didn’t have time cause I had to add cinnamon, butter, salt, butter, salted butter, and buttered salt. Yum.

 

I now have 3 sets of washers an dryers—one for each level in the house. They are mainly for decoration as I don’t really clean anything, but the spin cycle is fun.

 

That’s it for now, y’all. I’ve got a dozen eggs, a slab of bacon, and 3 sticks of butter with my name on them.

 

 

Winter Coat

I originally posted this on the off-topic side of MWOP, but I realize that many people don’t read over there.

 

I have a winter coat that I am looking to get rid of. It is heavier than a jacket but no where thick as a parka. I would say that if your winter temps are 30-40 degrees F this coat would be perfect. It is sage green with a beige interior. It is size 1x, and I have NEVER worn it as we really don’t need jackets during Arizona winters (unless you live in Flagstaff where they get a shit ton of snow). I will launder the coat before shipping, and if you would kindly reimburse me postage ($12 or so) I would appreciate it.

 

The first person that wants it gets it.

My Day

I’m not in a good mood today (tired and PMS) so I guess it is fitting that my mood has matched my day.

 

1. Yesterday I worked out hard at the YMCA. Today my legs feel like tree trunks, and I’m walking with a John Wayne-esque swagger.

2. 6-inch decided to wake up at 4:00 am instead of his usual 7:00 am.

3. Why is his waking early a big problem? Because I take medication at bedtime for sleep, and being half-awake at 4:00 am led to me bumping into walls, tripping over my own feet, initially making him a bottle of warm buttermilk instead of whole milk, and sitting down to pee while still wearing my panties. I take my medication at a certain time at night so that I’m up and moving when he wakes at his normal time. He NEVER wakes in the middle of the night.

4. I brewed coffee this morning, and with my eyelids at half mast I added to my coffee what I thought was 2 inches of Lactaid milk. It was in fact lemonade flavored Crystal Light.

5. I sliced two pounds of fresh okra and put it to boil. I forgot about it, and when it reached a vigorous boil it overflowed. There is nothing nastier than the smell of burned okra slime on a hot stove.

6. I went to pick up Footlong from school, and as I got out of the car to go claim him I realized I was wearing two different flip-flops; one was a platform flop, the other was flat. I was walking with a shoe-induced limp.

7. I had a salad for lunch, and instead of reaching for and sprinkling black pepper I covered my salad in garlic powder.

John will be home in 4 hours. Until then I am not touching either child, handling anything in the kitchen, driving a car, or anything else if I can help it.

What You Talk About When You Brush Your Teeth

The hubby and I had a random conversation last night while we were standing in the bathroom brushing our teeth:

John: “O my gawd, I can tell ow muth¬†thmaller¬†ur¬†butt is!”

(We’re talking in toothpaste sounds.).

Me:¬† “Willy? How? It dothent¬†feel thmaller.”

John:¬† “Ook¬†in da mirra. Ur panties are looth and baggy.”

Me:¬† “Holy thit. I’ve alwayth¬†had suth¬†a big ath¬†that my panties have never been looth. Can I go thopping for new underwear?”

John:¬† ¬†“Mmm-hmmm. Just don’t buy any more shoeths.”