Footlong’s Letter To Santa

I wanted to scan this into the computer and upload it, but the scanner/printer has died. Here is Footlong’s letter to Santa; I will provide a translation below.


“Dear Santa,

I wod like 5 storm tripr pigs and the Darth Vater pig and the red bird from Agriy Birds Star Wars. Axshly I wod lik them all ipset the Chebokcu one and all the Swicht and Go Dienos.

Love, Garrett

P.S. I frgot the Angry Birds Star Wars sets.”


That little booger wrote his letter without any help from me or J. He sounded out all of the words and spelled them (for the most part) like they sound. What he wrote was:

“Dear Santa,

I would like 5 Storm Trooper pigs and the Darth Vader pig and the red bird from Angry Birds Star Wars. Actually, I would like them all except the Chewbacca one and all of the Switch and Go Dinos.

Love, Garrett

P.S. I forgot the Angry Birds Star Wars sets.”


How sweet  ♥  And Santa got him everything he wanted….even the Chewbacca pig.


Totally Random Tuesday

Me and 6-inch are sick with stomach bugs so this might not be the most entertaining blog post.

There is nothing grosser than a toddler that drinks a 10 oz bottle of milk then barfs 3 hours later. It looks like cottage cheese and smells vile.

I had surgery 7 weeks ago today and am down 32 lbs. I have gone from a size 26 to a 24, and a 24 is getting pretty damn loose.

My darling grandmother sends us $$$ every Christmas. All of us are getting new clothes. I spent my money at TJ Maxx and bought a Juicy Couture hoodie and track pants in size L; I can’t wait to fit into them!

I decided to put together a gift box of gourmet treats for Footlong’s wonderful 1st grade teacher.

I gave her the gift yesterday, and she almost cried when she opened it and saw the goodies (imported Italian pasta, gourmet pasta sauce, salad dressing, sour cherry and lemon jam, pumpkin souffle mix, a peanut butter and banana chocolate bar, a black fig and pistachio dark chocolate bar, cinnamon sugar donut mix, a pizza cookbook, artisan salame, tomato basil soup mix, french vanilla hot chocolate, honey truffle mustard, sugar coated pecans, an assortment of teas, and a set of insulated glass coffee mugs). I just dry heaved typing all of those food words.

On Christmas it is supposed to be 65 and sunny here in Tucson.

I haven’t bought new shoes in over a month.

I know, I know. I’m as shocked as you are.

6-inch had his initial therapy assessment yesterday and will have a complete evaluation (with hearing tests just to make sure his hearing is ok and not the cause of his speech delay) after Christmas. Thank you to all of my friends who urged early intervention based on their experiences with their own children.

Footlong and I went on a date the other night. I got him a hot chocolate from McDonalds, and we rode around looking at Christmas lights.

J had a wisdom tooth pulled the other day.

J is also losing weight with me; he started a week or two after my surgery and has lost 15 lbs.

He hugged me yesterday and told me it felt like he was hugging a different woman.

I can’t get the awful tragedy in Newtown, CT out of my head.

6-inch just spilled apple juice all over himself.

He also either just farted or had more diarrhea. Poor little baby.

I had a wicked nightmare that contained both my best friends (good) and a variety of snakes (bad).

I hate snakes.

Sweet Baby Ava Update

Friends and readers, it is with a heavy heart that I write this update.

Sweet Baby Ava suffered a cerebral hemmorhage (bleeding in her brain). She passed away not long ago. She lived 27 hours.

I am touched that this post got 11 beautiful comments even though it had been up just a few hours.

If you’re moved to leave a comment on this post you are welcome to do so; I don’t know if K will still be making the book for J and M, but they can always visit the blog and read the comments.

Love to you all,


Sweet Baby Ava

A sweet, fragile soul entered the world yesterday morning. Her name is Ava, and this blog post is dedicated to her, her loving parents J and M, and her big brother C  ♥


I joined a sorority my senior year in college, and to this day I am terrific friends with one of my sorority sisters; her name is K, and she is one of the most vivacious women I have ever met. Several years ago, during a trip home, K invited me out to dinner; joining us were several of K’s friends and her cousin, J. I thought J was a very nice girl. She and I have met just that one time, but I do remember her well.


I learned from my friend K that J was having a difficult time during her second pregnancy. She was pregnant with a baby girl, but the baby wasn’t growing very well; Ava was thought to weigh less than a pound at over 25 weeks gestation. J was hospitalized a couple of weeks ago to facilitate closer monitoring of her baby, and the day before yesterday she learned that baby’s umbilical cord (which only contained 2 vessels instead of the normal 3) was demonstrating some reversed blood flow. The doctor decided that the time had come for Sweet Baby Ava, as tiny as she was, to be born. J was given a dose of steroids to help strengthen Ava’s lungs, and plans were made for a C-section on Thursday morning.


Early yesterday morning J gave birth. Sweet Baby Ava was born at 27 weeks and weighed only 13 ounces. You read that right…ounces. She is tiny and beautiful, but she faces a long, dangerous road ahead. She is in the NICU on a ventilator, and she needs all of the love, good thoughts, and prayers that we can muster. Her loving mother and father and family as a whole need our love, thoughts, and prayers as well. My darling friend K is putting together a surprise book for the family containing letters from well-wishers….along with this blog post and your comments.


Friends and readers, I would be tickled if you would leave a comment for Sweet Baby Ava and her parents below. Say whatever is in your heart or whatever moves you. If you are willing, please mention where you live (just the state is fine…city and state if you like). You don’t have to leave your name; use your initials or your regular commenting nickname. I just want them to know that people all over are pulling for them, and most importantly, for Sweet Baby Ava. Repost this blog link below if you like by clicking on the Facebook, email, or Twitter icons; send your friends, family, and co-workers here.


Here she is…..












*can’t think of a title*

I can’t think of a good name for this blog entry, so it shall have the above generic name.

Here in the land of [SNORT] things are going well. In 5 weeks I am down 28 pounds; I weighed in at 265.5 pounds today. I find that my weight tends to fluctuate a little based on how much salt I consume, so I’m trying to lay off of it. For the past week or two I have been having awful nausea. The surgeon has given me Zofran pills and a Scopolamine patch to wear behind my ear, and they have helped. It is a challenge to get in all of my fluids for the day (water, Crystal Light, iced tea with Splenda). My tummy pouch has expanded a little, but I still can’t eat the recommended 1/2 cup meal size. Just to give you an idea of what my diet is like, here is what I have eaten today:


Breakfast:  I scrambled one large egg, and I managed to eat half of it.

Lunch:  I made half a sandwich on the thin, round slices of bread. I had low fat pastrami, reduced fat provolone, and some Grey Poupon because I’m a fucking snob like that. After two bites I felt like my stomach was going to pop; the bread was taking up so much room! I waited half an hour then ate most of the meat and cheese sans bread.

Dinner:  1/3 cup of grilled chicken breast with salsa and two pieces of sauteed zucchini (the rule is one bite of veggies for every 3 bites of protein).


I have found that I tolerate refried beans and edamamme very well, but proteins like chicken and ground beef fill me up. Grilled fish fills me up too. I have literally learned how to eat all over again. I’m not joking. If I eat too fast I will vomit. If I eat even one spoonful more than I should I vomit. I eat with one of 6-inch’s baby spoons, and I wait 3 or so minutes in between bites to make sure I’m not too full before I eat more.

And, since I am not the person to hold anything back for the sake of being delicate (LOL), let me say that I am constipated more often than not. Milk of Magnesia is my new friend, but I feel like I am rectally excreting a Buick. You’re welcome.


In other news, I want to brag about J for a bit. J is an electrical engineer, and he works for a company that designs electrical stuff for airplanes. He and his team have been working on a design problem for TWO YEARS. Two fucking years, people. When he took time off to help me after surgery he did alot, alot of thinking about said problem. He came up with a solution he hoped would work. He sent it to the guys at work, they tested it, and found that it worked spectacularly. When he returned to work after Thanksgiving the boss told him that his design worked so well and was so innovative that they are going to apply for a US Patent, and J’s name will be on it! How fucking awesome is that? When he told me that I jumped off the couch, screamed, and had to call my parents and Brother Snort to tell them. I am so proud of him. ♥

Footlong and 6-inch are doing great. We have a speech therapy evaluation for 6-inch on Monday morning (thanks to all you MWOPers for your advice!), and I’m looking forward to hearing her assessment. He is 16 months old and has not said a single word so far. Footlong, on the other hand, never shuts up! This kid will talk about anything and everything, and he makes me laugh every single day. He loves to play with his little brother, and they get along well together. Our Christmas tree is up, and 6-inch has gone from “Wow! What is all this shit! I want to pull everything off and eat it!” to a more laid back, “Eh, it’s still here” kind of mood. I can’t wait for Christmas! Santa Claus bought 6-inch a ride-on train that rides on a circular track at a cool 1.5 mph; Santa also bought him a little toddler playground that has a slide, a little tiny rock climbing wall, and other fun little things. Santa Claus is bringing Footlong all of the Angry Birds Star Wars playsets, as requested. As for Mommy and Daddy gifts to the boys, we bought one large gift:  an inflatable jumpy castle (with enclosed ball pit!) for the back yard. That thing was only $199 on Cyber Monday. That is when I did all of my shopping:  Cyber Monday. 6-inch’s playground was only $69 (with free shipping!). I don’t care for the idea of Black Friday. The thought of getting up at 3:00 am to fight someone over a $3.00 Fry Daddy seems a bit ridiculous to me, but to each his own.

I hope each and every one of you is doing well. I will get J to take some photos of me this weekend  🙂

Love to you all!

Home Sweet Home

Hey y’all! MockMama is back from my many worldly jaunts. “Mockmama, you’ve been away on jaunts?” Yep, I sure have and can’t wait to tell you all about what I saw, learned, and taught.

I already told y’all that my company, the company that I act like I’m CEO of, sent me and the sperm bag over to Dubai, which is a city in the United Arby’s Emirates. Dang I love those curly fries. Anyway me, the sperm bag, and our great, great team of team people stayed for several days. We ate from chocolate towerfalls, used bidets, sat in the pool, and did photo-ops in the sand. Poor Sperm Bag. In some photos he looked absolutely rode hard and hung up wet, but it other photos (where I wasn’t) he looked happy! He needs some wonder pills for his moods, eh?

After everyone left Dubai (including Sperm Bag), I was set to join my Daddy in Africa for mission work. I hardly ever cuss, except for when I do, but for fucks sake Africa is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo last season. I thought about it and wondered, “Where can I make the greatest missionary impact?” That’s right bitches! Mama went to Pakistan! Packed my bags and knapsacks with many foods and documents with my bible and passport to boot. I was on a one woman mission to bring peace and drugs to the Pakis and the Stannis. My first stop was Islamabad where I was welcomed to be sure. The village elder slaughtered a chicken, and set it down in front of me. It must have warmed their hearts that I ate the whole thing, and with chicken fat and feathers on my face I turned to the elder and told him from the bottom of my sports bra, “Gracias, my friend in Christ.” The next day I gathered all the woman and taught them about chia seeds, hemp hearts, peanut butter, and homemade Lara bars. I’m sure the info-session would have gone over better if I had actually brought supplies instead of Polaroids, but you get my drift. Before I left I painted them a mural on a bomb shelter. It is so strengthening to do Christ’s work. After a wonderful time in Islamabad I caught the 9:30 camel to Karachi and had a fun time there too. They even taught me how to shoot a gun. I taught them how to make chains out of Juicy Fruit wrappers.

After a long long trip home spanning many time zones I am home in the frozen tundra with Sperm Bag, and the little ones. I wanted to go to bed alone because I’m jet and camel lagged, but nooooooooooooo, the kids insisted on snuggling with me.

Christmas is approaching, and my company is running a too-good-to-be-true special for our awesome faux-natural pills! If you don’t lost 15 pounds by Christmas Eve (guaranteed!!!!!) then we will send you a FREE Christmas Honey-Glazed ham. Email me at dotdotdot[dot]dot@gmail[dot]com.