61

I have now lost 61 pounds; I weighed in this morning at 232.5. Do you know the last time I weighed 232? J and I were in our first year of marriage. Having babies was a faraway thought. I worked night shift as a RN, and J was a “house hubby.” We adopted a chihuahua puppy named Roo. I am a comfortable size 18/20 and am grateful that my boobs aren’t shrinking as drastically as my ass is.

I have the flu and am miserable. I think my weight loss was bolstered by the fact that that I was awake Saturday, Sunday, and yesterday for a grand total of 10 hours. I feel like shit. 6-inch seems to be on the mend and is fever-free. He is acting like his normal, spunky self, and it’s hard for me not to pick him up and smother him in my germs. Footlong is doing well and is healthy; he is getting to that age where I have to beg for hugs and kisses, and it makes my heart sad. But, I remember being that age and wanting some level of independence, so I try and give him space.

Is there anyone that could use a ton of baby boy clothes? They range from NB up through 18 months. If so let me know. I was going to make a run to the Goodwill, but if I can help a friend first I am all for it!

Hugs, kisses, and sneezes,

Snort

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Pray For 6-Inch

Hey y’all, MockMama here. I am so excited to tell you that my wee babe, 6-inch, is quite ill. We went to the pediatrician yesterday, and my sweet babe has a mild case of RSV and a double ear infection. The doctor provided us with a home nebulizer for breathing treatments 4x/day and antibiotics for his bacteria-laden hearing vessels. She told me he would be well within four or five days, but this is unacceptable. He is clearly the sickest child in Arizona right now, and I intend to make the most of it. I told her that in college I almost majored in pre-med studies therefore I know just as much as she does. I insisted that the snot leaking from his dual nare smelling apparatus likely contains bacterial and viral organisms not yet identified by prominent microbiologists. It took two hours of lecturing, shouting, and begging on my part, but the pediatrician has agreed that 6-inch should be transferred to London immediately for further treatment. I can’t wait!

I am excited about going, but I have heard that hospitals in London are quite uncomfortable. I certainly wish I could afford to stay in a hotel, eat restaurant food instead of hospital cafeteria food, get a massage and pedicure, and be on the evening news. 6-inch needs his rest and all, so I’ll have plenty of free time. I am taking my laptop, my iPhone, an iPad, my iDildo, an iBrator, a set of oil paints, brushes, and an easel. I sure would be nice though if I could eat good and get a good nights sleep.

My sign gals have created these wonderful digital monuments to 6-inch; please put them on your blog and urge others to do so. Thanks to my sign gals 25555555555555555555555555 and Home Is Where The Trash Is for their respective designs.

 

church

pray

Also, my fundraising gal, YouBetterBelieveItBabe, is handling the sale of special bracelets to offset 6-inch’s medical costs because I’m certainly not going to pay for it. For 3 easy payments of $39.99 ( plus tax and $19.95 S&H) you can own one of these all natural, organic rubber bracelets! Please allow 4-6 years for delivery.

bracelets

BUT WAIT!!!!!!!  If you order in the next week you will also receive a set of Tampax Super-Mega-Hemmorhage absorbency tampons and instructions to create your very own tampon mural in honor of 6-inch!!! World renowned tampon artist Ding_Dong_In_Ditches created this wonderful piece of abstract menstrual art in honor of my sweet babe! Just pay separate shipping and handling!

 

tampon

Folks, even though I have a sick babe, I can’t tell you how fucking excited I am to blog, tweet, and hit pay dirt in honor of my son. Speaking of the devil, here is a photo of the wee man:

 

My Photography Portfolio

And here is a photo of me! I have lost 100 lbs in the last 3 1/2 weeks and have gone from a size 20 to a size 8!

GirlsNightOut

How did I lose the weight? A brand new all-natural supplement formulated by MLM gal, MckYadaYadaYada. Hit me up for the deets if you want to order your own bottle of Turbo Snort and kick start your metabolism!

turbosnort

Edit:  I have gotten word that my faithful MWOP companion, Henny Loo, has gotten her words of hope about 6-inch across intergalactic boundaries:

overlord

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

It has been forever and a day since I have posted about the weird shit I see and experience. Brace yourself for some profanity riddled musings, and I would LOVE for you to leave me a comment telling me about things that make you think or say, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?”

Two weeks ago I did some shopping at a local organic market, and I bought a bottle of their store-brand bottled water because I was thirsty. After I finished drinking I was about to put the bottle in the recycle bin when I saw something printed on the bottle: “This product is certified Kosher and is 100% Vegan.” Are you fucking kidding me? Is there water that is not Kosher? Is there a rabbi at the water bottling company making sure that the water is bottled humanely and in a certain way? Was there really a chance that my water was going to contain animal products like meat or eggs?

I read an article online a few days ago that said “jelly shoes” were making a comeback this Spring. Are you fucking kidding me? These shoes were a staple of my 1980s childhood. They gave me blisters, and when my feet were sweaty they would slide around in the plastic shoes and leave dirt streaks everywhere. How are these still fashionable?

I went to TJ Maxx last night to browse and ended up buying a $16 pair of designer Steve Madden jelly shoes. Are you fucking kidding me? Did I really do that? The answer would be yes. Yes I did.

In Arizona the public school system grants the kids a two-day holiday every February for “Rodeo Days.” Are you fucking kidding me? I’m sorry, but I can get behind school holidays for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Fall/Spring break, MLK day, etc. The rodeo? Really? Do kids in PA get a holiday for Groundhog Days? My friends in GA don’t have kids with school holidays when deer hunting season starts. Do kids in LA get time off for Mardi Gras?

Jennifer McKinney continues to photoshop photos of herself to give off the impression she is thin so more people will line her pockets by buying the expensive “diet and health supplements” she hocks. Are you fucking kidding me? With every trip she takes (Utah, Las Vegas, Dubai, the Caribbean cruise last week) we get our hands on unedited candid shots of her. We know what you look like, Jennifer. You’re about as thin as I am. Why don’t you cut the shit and own up to who you really are: a lying, cheating, conceited grifter. In case you can’t see it my middle finger is saluting her now. Fuck you, Jennifer.

6-inch has had problems eating people food and has seen a feeding therapist. We try and offer him bites of everything we eat, and do you know what his new favorite food is? Ranch dressing. Are you fucking kidding me? My child’s food repitoire consists of organic toddler cookies, toddler cereal bars, stage 3 baby food from the jar, oatmeal, French’s fried onions (that is weird too, imo), and ranch dressing. I love that little booger more than life itself; I just wish he would eat things like mashed potatoes, chicken nuggets, noodles, and fruit like normal toddler. All in good time I guess.

As if posting fake photos of herself wasn’t enough, Jennifer McKinney posted a photo online of her two year old chewing on a tampon. Are you fucking kidding me? Who does this? Who lets their kids play with tampons? I shouldn’t be surprised, because she lets the kids play with scissors, draw on each other (and household stuff) with markers, play with her nail polish, posts photos of them online wrestling naked, and she gives one of her kids her diet pills for “behavioral problems.” I’m waiting to see a photo of one of the kids making balloon animals out of condoms or eating a huge bowl of K-Y Jelly.

I was in Target last week to pick up a few things, and I walked directly past the clothing section for girls. They are selling shirts that show off tummies, hip hugger jeans, and have slogans on shirts and panties that say things like, “Boys Love Me,” “Irresistable,” and “Hot Stuff.” Are you fucking kidding me? When did little girls start dressing like little sluts? I don’t have daughters, but if I did there is no way in fucking hell I would buy them clothes that sexualized them like that. I should be counting my blessings that Target doesn’t sell little boys clothes that says things like “Stallion,” “Boot Knocker,” or “Boy Toy.”

J and I like to watch the TV show “Hoarders.” The other night we watched an episode (a repeat, but we hadn’t seen it yet) that featured a woman from Washingston named Shanna. She lived like a pig, shitting in a bucket, leaving bloody tampons on the floor, never throwing out trash, and lived in a house filled with hundreds of plastic water jugs filled with pee and shit. Are you fucking kidding me? Who lives like this? The trash in her house was mounded so high that she had no choice to walk on it, and in some areas the trash was so high she had to stoop going through doorways. She used the bathroom in a bucket and then when the bucket was full she dumped it in the yard. When people came to clean the house they had to wear biohazard suits and respirators, and Shanna admitted that she gets a rush from eating food that has fecal matter on it. Google the episode if you dare, and make sure you’re not eating anything while watching. The worst part? Shanna is obviously mentally ill and incapable of living on her own; she honestly thought the bad smell in her house was due to dust and mold.

I can’t think of anything else to write. Are you fucking kidding me? I always have things to say, but I guess my brain is shutting down.

Plateau

If any of you follow the trainwreck that is Jennifer McKinney, Tracy Coenen has published yet another spectacular article about her lies on Fraud Files. You can click the link on the right side of the page under the heading “Places I Fancy.” In addition to mentioning Jennifer’s penchant for making false health claims and lying about her weight loss, Tracy covers perhaps the most important aspect of this story that I think is often overlooked: MLM companies or “pyramid schemes” are not a great way to make money. 99% of people that sign up to sell products actually LOSE MONEY, and for those that make money the average income is about $2400. In addition, people are often left with inventory on hand and risk alienating friends, family, and co-workers with pushy sales techniques. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

As I don’t lie about my weight loss, let me give you an update! In a previous post I mentioned that I had lost 52 pounds and that I weighed 241 lbs. A few weeks later I now weigh…..240 lbs. Huh? Really? Yes, people who have bariatric surgery apparently hit plateaus. As our caloric intake is rarely over 1,000 calories our bodies sometimes try and fight the rapid weight loss by holding onto fat for dear life. To add insult to injury, I actually gained back up to 245 lbs. in the recovery from my stomach bug because I had to have a carb heavy diet until the vomiting and diarrhea subsided; for several days I lived on toast, crackers, rice, bananas, and Gatorade. I have felt alot better the last couple of days and have been able to start eating my normal diet. This morning I weighed in at exactly 240 lbs for a weight loss total of 53.5 lbs. I have not weighed 240 lbs in 8 years.

Several of you have asked about my diet. Here is what I ate yesterday:

Breakfast: One container of Lite Greek yogurt (store brand) that contained 90 calories, 16 g protein, and 10 g sugar. It was peach flavored. Not that the flavor matters or anything 🙂

Snack: Spinach salad with 2 tbsp. reduced fat salad dressing. 75 calories, 3 g protein, 0 sugar.

Lunch: 1 small whole wheat tortilla (90 calories, 10 g fiber, 5 g carbs, 4 g protein), scrambled eggs (2 egg whites, one yolk), and 1/4 cup fat-free cheddar cheese. I topped the eggs and cheese with salsa and made a burrito.

Dinner: 2/3 of a catfish fillet, a shit-ton of dill pickle chips (hey….it’s that time of the month), several slices of cucumber.

I drank nothing but iced tea (sweetened with splenda) and water with lemon.

And that’s about it, folks. I have run out of things to say!

Happenings at Casa [SNORT]

Hey everyone! I apologize for not blogging recently. The last week has been kind of shitty, and today’s post will be just a giant shit storm touching on the happenings of the past week.

As some of you on FB and MWOP heard, I was hospitalized last week. I went to the ER last Wednesday with nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and severe abdominal pain. My surgeon was worried that I had developed gallbladder problems; he told me that rapid weight loss (52 lbs. in 3 months) triggers gallbladder problems in roughly 50% of weight loss surgery patients. To err on the side of caution I went to the ER at 1:30 pm; they called me back to a room at 5:45 pm (no, I’m not joking) and got me started on IV fluids, IV pain medication, and medications for nausea and itching (from the pain medication). I was so dehydrated that it took a couple of tries to get in an IV, and the paramedic resorted to putting in a smaller IV because that it all he could get. I had an ultrasound of my abdomen and a cat scan; the results showed no gallstones and said that I possibly had appendicitis. The ER doctor admitted me to the hospital for a further workup and a HIDA scan (done in nuclear medicine) to check my gallbladder. I did not know this, but it is apparently possible to have an infected gallbladder and not have gallstones. The hospital was full and no beds were available so I spent the night in the ER next to a crazy, schizophrenic woman who kept farting, shitting in the bedside commode (that right there did nothing for my nausea, let me tell you), and accusing the TV of watching HER. She was downright crazy. To top it off the woman’s daughter called her every 30 minutes to check on her—if I wasn’t listening to loud, wet farts and plopping sounds I was listening to a LOUD cell phone. I was fucking miserable and did not sleep a wink. I was discharged from the hospital Thursday at dinner time and mercifully fell asleep about 11:00 pm chocked full of Percocet and nausea medication. The verdict? The doctor felt strongly that I had a stomach bug that was going around, and the severe pain was caused from 2 days of vomiting that had severely irritated my esophagus. The further workup showed no appendicitis and no gallbladder problems; it also showed a small cyst on my right ovary, but I’m not going to pull a Jennifer McKinney and tell you that it may be cancer and to send prayers/money/gift cards/hotel stays/spa treatments/food/re-blog about me. I’m fine.

Today Footlong has been saddled with diarrhea, and I am hoping that he isn’t getting sick.

6-inch has discovered a love of Sesame Street alphabet cookies. I say, “Cookie?” and he starts smiling and runs to the kitchen for his treat.

If I hand 6-inch a cracker instead of a cookie he throws it on the ground and looks at me like, “Really? Do you think I’m stupid or something, lady? Where’s my damn cookie?”

When he eats his cookie he smiles and looks so content, as if to say, “Ahhhhhhhhhhh, Mommy. If everyone ate cookies everyday there would be world peace!”

I tried making a sauce last night to go with our grilled chicken–it turned out terrible. Neither one of us ate it yet John put it in a Tupperware bowl and stuck it in the fridge with the rest of the leftovers. ???

It is currently 47 degrees with cloudy skies and light rain.

My friend R (a fellow MWOPer) lives on the other side of town, and she is getting snow at her house! That said, she lives at a higher elevation that we do, and the snow doesn’t appear to be sticking. Still…..it’s snow.

I have an online friend who I think of as my “celebrity” friend. She told me today that she is working on a special article about a company, weight, and one of its independent distributors. She may or may not have asked me for a small contribution to said article. OK, she did. If you have to ask me what I told her then you really don’t know me that well. If we were together in the same room I would have shouted, “Fuck yeah!” and high-fived her!  I emailed her right back telling her that I would love to help her out, and I did. I can’t wait to read the final product.

I am worried about one of my MWOP and FB friends because she lives in Riverside, CA where that rogue former cop shot and killed a member of the Riverside PD. To all of my friends (and lurkers) in Cali, please stay safe.

My feet look like hell, but I feel guilty going to get a pedicure since I can treat my calluses and paint my toenails from the comfort of my own living room—-and it’s free.

I am usually very, very hot-natured, but today I am fucking freezing!

Tonight for dinner we are having cheese ravioli (16g protein, 6g fat, 30g carbs, 290 calories for one serving [4 large ravioli]) and a spinach salad with low-fat balsamic vinaigrette.

I had a cup of coffee today. I’ve pretty much steered clear of caffeine since surgery, and my hands are all jittery and sweaty right now.

I’ve decided that I shall post new photos this weekend. I’m practicing how to get my cell phone and hands to cover half of my body so I can look thinner. *snicker* Seriously….new photos this weekend.

6-inch is 18 months old now and still hasn’t said his first word. He follows commands though and has figured out how to climb onto the sofa. He also mimics some of the things I do. He is a cute, squishy riot.

As always, I appreciate you taking a few minutes of your day to read this random shit. I love y’all.

*poof*

Totally Random Tuesday

I have not had the desire to blog as frequently as I used to.

 

Over the weekend I told Footlong, “I feel like I’m going to throw up.” He looked at me, totally horrified, and shouted, “MOM! Hurry up and go to the bathroom before you hurl on the baby!”

 

I laughed at him until I vomited (literally).

 

I gave up my beloved BlackBerry and got a new LG touchscreen phone when J got his. I never thought I’d say this, but I like it.

 

I sold my BlackBerry to a website that buys old phones.

 

They gave me a $58 credit at Amazon that I promptly used to buy a bottle of my favorite perfume (Poeme by Lancome).

 

I haven’t been sleeping well lately.

 

Footlong and I laughed at a certain part of “Madagascar 2.” Our laughing made 6-inch laugh, which made us laugh harder.

 

I have PMS. I think J does too.

 

Our delightful landlords have let us renew our rental contract for another two years.

 

The last time I bought a pair of shoes was Friday.

 

I would rather have explosive diarrhea than go to Costco.

 

My toenails are painted a lovely, pastel shade of aqua.

 

My lips are chapped.

 

6-inch has scattered Hot Wheels cars from one end of the house to the other.

 

Footlong talks to himself while he plays games on the Wii.

 

It drives me nuts.

 

The last meal I cooked for my family was steak (grilled outside), macaroni and cheese, and sautéed zucchini.

 

I ate some steak, zucchini, and a spinach salad with low-fat balsamic vinaigrette.

 

Right now I wish I could go to a spa and get a good deep tissue massage.

 

There is nothing that 6-inch loves more than to take a bath.

 

There is nothing that 6-inch hates more than sitting in a poopy diaper or having his diaper changed.

 

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

 

I never make my bed.

 

I took a long walk the other night while wearing flip-flops. I will never do that again because the tops of my feet are covered in blisters.

 

Why is the word “bra” singular and “panties” plural? Last time I checked a majority of women had two boobs but only one vagina.

 

This year I will celebrate my 35th birthday and 10th wedding anniversary. I am gobsmacked.

 

I just swished with Listerine, and I hate the burning sensation it leaves in my mouth.

 

MckMama went on a week-long Caribbean cruise while choosing not to pay her property taxes. We can add another $3,000 to her debts.

 

I love taking hot baths.