*BURP* ‘Scooze me!

Hello everyone!

I figured a weight loss/recovery post was in order (even though I haven’t lost another 20 pounds!).

For the most part, I am doing very well and recovering nicely. I made the transition from liquids to soft proteins (eggs, yogurt, fish, chicken, turkey, ground beef with gravy, and beans) a week ago and have been doing ok. Some patients hit a weight loss plateau at this point in the process, and I, unfortunately, am one of those people. Since my last post about my weight (10 days ago?) I have lost 1 pound. It is frustrating. I know I have made great progress in less than a month, but some part of me expects to stand on the scale every few hours and see weight loss. Crazy, I know.

As for problems/complications, my only complaints are the gas and nausea. When I was a little girl I remember my Cuban grandmother, Wella, could carry a tissue with her; she let out little burps all the time and drank Mylanta every day. I am now my grandmother, sans tissue. Everytime I drink I burp. When I walk I burp. I sat down to pee this morning and burped. J looks at me and I burp. The nausea started a couple of days ago, and the doctor has called in some prescriptions for me that J will pick up on his way home.

This morning I weighed in at 272.5 lbs.

I love you all, and thank you for your support and encouragement! I’ll post photos with the next blog post.


A Text Message

Me:  How about we get Footlong this for Christmas? It’s like the one at Chuck-E-Cheese except the dimensions are much smaller. It comes with little balls too. $36.50

J:  I foresee missing balls……..

Me:  GASP! Where are your balls going? I’m gonna miss ’em.   😦

J:  I totally set myself up for that one, didn’t I?

Me:  Heh heh heh.

just some blurbs from my motherland

Hey y’all! I’m finally home from travelling. I know millions of you have been on your knees praying with pins and needles to boot, but you may rest now. I have reached my motherland. I don’t have the time or interest to answer any of your questions or prayer requests, so I thought I’d tell you about my many jaunts.

So me and the hubbster, Ike, went to Dubai because I sold alotta lotta vitamins. We were flown with the rest of our xyngers on a non-stop, first class Persian Rug from NYC to Dubai. It was totes terrific. After Aladdin landed the rug we were whisked away to our hotel, the Atlantic. You know….like the ocean. Heaped upon us wide-eyed strangers was a sense of wonderment and grandeur to boot with chillbumps as well. Me and Ike’s room was off the chain. It had a big bed, a big window, and a TV. The bathroom was so luxurious and thoughtful. Right next to the shitter was a porcelain water fountain! How nice and considerate because some people like me get thirsty if we’re “on the job” for a long time. It was awesome. I want a water fountain at home now.

We ate at buffets every 2 hours, but the food was covered in Scam sprinkles, so the calories didn’t absorb. They had the most magnificent chocolate fountain I have ever seen. They had stick thingies with fruit on ’em to stick under the chocolate, but that was to vanilla for me. When I hit chocolate I hit that shit hardcore. I ran my salad under the fountain and mixed it with Miracle Whip to make a chocolate dressing. I dunked my shrimps in chocolate. Everyone drank champagne, but since I don’t drink I just hung my head under the chocolate fountain. I used handfuls of warm chocolate to shave my legs. I even gave the servers gratuity with handfuls of chocolate.

We went all over Dubai to see stuff. There was an awesome swimming pool, a pretty glass sculpture in the lobby, and lots of sand outside. Ike decided to give me my wedding ring back, and here is a photo:

Dubai was so much fun. We took lots of photos, and some sneaky bastard kept sending them to MWOP! How funny is that?!?

After I bade a tearful farewell to Ike I hopped a fixed-wing aircraft to Uganda to hang out for a few days. I stayed in an apartment and put stuff in bottled water that the locals were kind enough to give me. I watched my Dad give a big speech about Christians being better than everyone, they we got the hell outta dodge (but not before I snapped some uncomfortable looking photos!). On the way home I had a layover in Holland, so I put on some wooden shoes, put tulips in my hair, ate caramel filled waffles, and hung out at the “coffee shop.” I’ll let you figure out why “coffee shop” is in quotation marks. Needless to say, I ate 36 waffles at the “coffee shop.”

I’m home now, and it is Thanksgiving. After everyone tells me why they’re thankful for me I’m going to go in the kitchen and prepare a feast:  Tofurkey, whipped chia seed souffle, mashed hemp hearts with Xypstick gravy, leftover scrambled eggs, and frozen nutbutter and seeds on a spoon.

I can’t find any spoons? *sigh* I’ll just send the kids outside with handfulls of goo and let them come in when it’s frozen.



This is a really crappy work of fiction. I don’t know anyone named Ike. Tofurkey is disgusting, and I’m pretty sure there is no commercial flying rug service from NYC to Dubai.

Totally Random Tuesday

I have moved from liquids to solid proteins such as eggs, beans/peas, chicken breast, lean ground beef, fish, and lunchmeat.

I have discovered a love of scrambled eggs.

Unfortunately, I can’t eat a whole egg.

Thankfully, J finishes said egg so it won’t go to waste.

I cooked Cuban food for J and Footlong tonight.

In the past month I have bought 4 pair of shoes.

Don’t hate…..I’m such a loyal customer that I was given some store credit online, and I paid $60 for 4 pair of shoes (free shipping!).

I need a haircut.

Crystal Light and all of it’s artificial sweeteners give me diarrhea.

You’re welcome.

Whenever I eat a popsicle I have to share it with 6-inch.

6-inch has also transitioned to sleeping in his crib! (He was still in his bassinet. The boy loved to feel snug. Now he likes to stretch out.)

I am continuously amazed by how smart Footlong is and the conversations he can have.

J, bless his heart, is trying to diet along with me. He is 5’9” and started his journey at 187 lbs. He is 179 currently.

Father Snort has started a diet as well. ¡Buena suerte, Señor Presidente!

Father Snort has also decided that he wants to play Mad Libs later this week.

That’s fine by me because he is really funny.

6-inch got the walking farts tonight.

I have been going for a nice, long walk every night at sunset.

I bought all of my vitamins/supplements that I will be on for the rest of my life, and I about had a fucking heart attack.

Said vitamins and supplements cost $50/mo.

No, they aren’t covered by insurance.

My back hurts.

I am nauseated for approximately two hours every afternoon.

J goes back to work next Monday.

We tricked Footlong into eating mashed potatoes by telling him they are squished up french fries.

6-inch likes mashed potatoes too.

I miss my brother.

My best friend just had surgery on her foot.    😦

I think I may have to do another shoe post soon.

And I still have to write the Mad Libs story.

And I know MockMama has some shit to say as well.

I, for some reason, have become addicted to that Dallas Cowboys cheerleading show on CMT.

That’s all for right now.

Mad Libs Casting Call

Hey everyone  🙂

I want to play Mad Libs here on the blog again, and several of you have asked to play the next time I did it. If you’re interested leave me a comment and make sure you use a valid e-mail address. If we’re friends on FB remind me of that too! Thanks so much!




I promised myself when I started by gastric bypass journey that I would share the journey on the blog but not every single day. I don’t want to turn this into a weight loss blog. I still want to play Mad Libs, be silly, and ramble about things that amaze or stupify me. That said, I have decided to update on the journey whenever I have lost twenty pounds.

Today would be that day!

I weighed in this morning at 273.5 pounds, down twenty exactly from the beginning of my pre-op diet (which I started October 30th). I’m gobsmacked. Twenty pounds in 2 1/2 weeks.

I am healing well, feeling less emotional and anxious, and find myself having more energy. I have graduated to yogurt, cottage cheese, slices of lunchmeat, grilled chicken, grilled fish, ground beef with gravy, eggs, and dried beans/peas. I wish I could eat some veggies or fruit, but that leap is still 3 weeks away.

Thank you all for your support and encouragement! I love y’all   🙂 


PS— I’ll try and post pictures this weekend.

just some blurbs

Hey y’all………..MockMama is back! Have you missed me? I’ve just got so much to tell you.

Firstly, J and I have reconciled! I’m giggling like a middle aged balding man!!! I got my wedding bands back from him; He sprayed my finger hooves down with PAM and shoved them fuckers on real tight. The ring now has two diamonds that represent his balls and the control I have over them. Isn’t it romantic sitting on the floor perched atop firm cushions under starry tents whilst belly dancers jiggle and wiggle before us and our hummus? We went swimming today in the pool here at the resort, and didn’t feel like missing much so I just took my entire PC and gaming system in the pool too.

Later, at a sumptuous all-you-can-eat chocolate fountain I had an epiphany. I want a bidet. I love this chocolate fountain. I fucking deserve a bidet that will clean my ass with a silky stream of warm milk chocolate. Really, folks. Is that too much to ask? I deserve it.

We didn’t bring the kids…uh…Footsomething and some odd inches. Yeah, they’re back home holding down the fort. We left food and milk. I had the choice of going to the top of the tallest building in the world or airmailing some diapers home for the inch kid. I chose the building tour. I figure the older kid, Footsomething will teach him how to pee in the toilet. This trip is all for me, me, me, me, ME.

Last night I ate dessert that was covered in real gold flakes. I can literally shit gold now. I am better than all of you. I’m going to shit gold and get my ass washed with chocolate. Bwhahahahahahahaha! (evil laugh)

Send gift cards so I can go out for a falafel.