Hey Y’all! It’s MockMama!!!

Well, y’all (I can say y’all because I have a relative who lives in Georgia) it has been a busy few months to be sure and I’ve neglected to blog.

So I guess you all heard about the internal house inferno that was fed with oxygen, right? We tried feeding it with helium, xenon, cobalt, and silicon but nothing happened. I prayed and God personally told me Oxygen was the way to go. It was so cool! I got a tarp on my roof, none of my windows were broken, I gorged myself on lasagna and chocolate milk, then I got to remodel the house. I had to sign something saying I would pay the….oh hell, what are they called? Land Barons? Land Workers? Land Loads?…..more money each month or something. It doesn’t matter because the bill basket was lost in the pharr. I’m also late on the Prop or Pee taxes, but I’m not good with the financial stuff.

 

My company is sending me to Bora Bora soon. The connection on the phone wasn’t all that great so that said something either about laying in hammocks or covering my ham hocks. Not sure. I fly by the seat of my mullet skirt so we’ll figure it out when we get there. I hope they have karaoke and someone I can beat down with the microphone. And I’ve been practicing my squat thrusts and cat asshole expression. I’m going to knock this out of the park. I’m thinking about adding an 8-count or two of the Funky Chicken, but I haven’t decided for sure yet.

 

I’ve been working really hard in the kitchen, trying to perfect my love of color with my love of food. Just a few weeks ago I marinated chicken in blue food coloring. Delish! I also made pulled chicken that looked like a cross between ramen noodles and cup of noodles. And carrots! Did you hear I made carrots? I should have photographed it but I didn’t have time cause I had to add cinnamon, butter, salt, butter, salted butter, and buttered salt. Yum.

 

I now have 3 sets of washers an dryers—one for each level in the house. They are mainly for decoration as I don’t really clean anything, but the spin cycle is fun.

 

That’s it for now, y’all. I’ve got a dozen eggs, a slab of bacon, and 3 sticks of butter with my name on them.

 

 

Winter Coat

I originally posted this on the off-topic side of MWOP, but I realize that many people don’t read over there.

 

I have a winter coat that I am looking to get rid of. It is heavier than a jacket but no where thick as a parka. I would say that if your winter temps are 30-40 degrees F this coat would be perfect. It is sage green with a beige interior. It is size 1x, and I have NEVER worn it as we really don’t need jackets during Arizona winters (unless you live in Flagstaff where they get a shit ton of snow). I will launder the coat before shipping, and if you would kindly reimburse me postage ($12 or so) I would appreciate it.

 

The first person that wants it gets it.

My Day

I’m not in a good mood today (tired and PMS) so I guess it is fitting that my mood has matched my day.

 

1. Yesterday I worked out hard at the YMCA. Today my legs feel like tree trunks, and I’m walking with a John Wayne-esque swagger.

2. 6-inch decided to wake up at 4:00 am instead of his usual 7:00 am.

3. Why is his waking early a big problem? Because I take medication at bedtime for sleep, and being half-awake at 4:00 am led to me bumping into walls, tripping over my own feet, initially making him a bottle of warm buttermilk instead of whole milk, and sitting down to pee while still wearing my panties. I take my medication at a certain time at night so that I’m up and moving when he wakes at his normal time. He NEVER wakes in the middle of the night.

4. I brewed coffee this morning, and with my eyelids at half mast I added to my coffee what I thought was 2 inches of Lactaid milk. It was in fact lemonade flavored Crystal Light.

5. I sliced two pounds of fresh okra and put it to boil. I forgot about it, and when it reached a vigorous boil it overflowed. There is nothing nastier than the smell of burned okra slime on a hot stove.

6. I went to pick up Footlong from school, and as I got out of the car to go claim him I realized I was wearing two different flip-flops; one was a platform flop, the other was flat. I was walking with a shoe-induced limp.

7. I had a salad for lunch, and instead of reaching for and sprinkling black pepper I covered my salad in garlic powder.

John will be home in 4 hours. Until then I am not touching either child, handling anything in the kitchen, driving a car, or anything else if I can help it.

What You Talk About When You Brush Your Teeth

The hubby and I had a random conversation last night while we were standing in the bathroom brushing our teeth:

John: “O my gawd, I can tell ow muth thmaller ur butt is!”

(We’re talking in toothpaste sounds.).

Me:  “Willy? How? It dothent feel thmaller.”

John:  “Ook in da mirra. Ur panties are looth and baggy.”

Me:  “Holy thit. I’ve alwayth had suth a big ath that my panties have never been looth. Can I go thopping for new underwear?”

John:   “Mmm-hmmm. Just don’t buy any more shoeths.”

Want to be a Food Pen Pal?

Today on FB I was complaining to a group of friends that I needed one of them to send me box of snacks and other products that we can’t get out here, and as a return I would send a box filled with Southern Arizona/Mexican goodies. Priority Mail. One rate. Delivered in 2-3 days. I was instantly hooked up with an old high school friend willing to help a gal out. She asked for a few specific things but left the rest up to me. I told her what I wanted in my box. And a grand idea has been formed. Would anybody like to become “food pals” with one or multiple who live in a different area of our country? We all know different things. We all know what is normal is Manchester, GA is going to be looked at oddly in Seattle, WA. Lutefisk probably will be looked upon oddly in NYC. It goes without saying that you cannot mail anything illegal or immediately perishable like cheese, but most snacks, canned goods, canned drinks, candies, etc are cool. If you’re interested send me an email to thesnortfiles@gmail.com  with your name, where you live, and if you are hoping to try foods from a specific region. If you don’t care where your box comes from just say so. A flat rate large size box from the USPS ships for $14.95 or so, and if it fits it ships, regardless of weight. If I match the two of you up I’ll give you the addresses and off you go.

 

Buffy gets freshly made corn and flour tortillas from the tortilleria, cans of Mexican soda, Mexican candy, two bags of Takis, a couple of mangoes, maybe a few prickly pears (grown from my own cactus!), a can of chipotle peppers, and both red and green hot sauces.

 

I asked for a few cans of boiled peanuts, a bag of BBQ Fritos, an assortment of grits, a 6pk of Diet Grapico (diet grape soda), Chick-O-Stix candy, and firm green tomatoes.

 

Also if you have questions leave me an email message at thenortfiles@gmail.com

Totally Random Snort

Sometimes it is really nice to get to know your friends. I’ll share if you will!

 

My hair is naturally medium/dark brown.

I have brown eyes.

As I type this I weigh 208 lbs.

I am 5’5”.

My shoe size is a 9

One of my qualities that irritates my friends and husband is that when we watch a medical movie or TV medical drama I basically shit all over it. “Look at that! They’re shocking his heart through his clothes—he’d catch on fire!” “OMG, you would NEVER shock someone in sinus tachycardia!” “Where is all this O-neg and slew of drugs coming from? There are lag times at hospitals, people!” “Look at that supposed blood transfusion! It’s basically a liter of saline with red Kool-Aid added.” “The cardiologist is wearing a $20 stethoscope, and he’s putting it in his ears backward!” Don’t even get me started on the show “HOUSE.” Worst medical dramatic crap ever written. As far as accuracy over-all it is a tie between Grey’s Anatomy and ER (although some things on ER had me shaking my head).

I wear man’s deodorant. It was on sale at Costco. We acquiesced. I use man deodorant, and J uses Oil of Olay body wash.

Last week I got a call from an old friend from high school. He and I talk once every year or so. He travels a lot so his calls are usually from the airport. We did a lot of reminiscing, and I asked him if he remembers the first time either one of us ever got on the internet. It was late May 1996, about a week before our graduation. Our beloved librarian, Mrs. Warrior, had just installed all the software and modems, etc. Keefe and I were ditching class and hanging out in the library. She asked us if we could try and get on the internet to make sure she connected everything correctly. We heard dial tones, pings, bings, scratchy noises, then we were at the AOL home screen. We had no clue what to do. We chose the button to “chat” and five minutes later we were in a chat room where the theme was “No Panties Thursday.” Yes, folks. That is how I got on the internet for the very, very first time.

At 9:20 am it is currently 81 degrees with sunny skies.

I refuse to ride carnival rides that go upside down or drop me from really high up.

I am having a mini-break down about turning 35 next month. I don’t feel 35. I don’t look 35 (and I obviously don’t look 21 anymore because I can’t get carded anywhere). Father Snort is retired and receiving disability and has some chronic health problems. Mother Snort works and has some health problems. Brother Snort is married and has a child. I have one grandparent left and live 2000 from all of my family (including J’s family. We’re from the same town.)

I look absolutely AWFUL when I wear yellow or orange.

My family (I mean all my family back home) still prepares the same freaking meals every single Thanksgiving and Christmas. By the time I was 20 I was permanently burned out on holiday food. When we go home on a holiday now I fight nausea and just eat one or two things. Christmas dinner, in case you were wondering, consists of:  Turkey, ham, potato salad, dressing and gravy [my favorite], macaroni and cheese, shrimp casserole, broccoli and cauliflour salad, green beans (sometimes in a casserole, sometimes by themselves), deviled eggs, cranberry sauce from the can that makes the flarp sound as it exits the can, heat and serve rolls, pecan pie, and coconut cake. My brother, uncle, and I usually punctuate this meal with several shots of whatever is on hand (last time I was home I think it was tequila).

 

I mentioned that I have one grandparent left. Her name is Maw-Maw Snort, and she is a cool old broad. You can talk to her about anything. She’ll sit and have a beer with you. Paw-Paw Snort died late 2001, and I am so proud of my Maw-Maw for not holing up and being a house mouse. She flew out to Las Vegas with 20 other people for my wedding. She let me take her on a tour of the strip, and she rode to the top of the Stratosphere! She has flown to Tucson, and when she and I took a drive one day I asked her, “Anything special you want to see?” “YES!! Please show me those saguaro cactuses and lots of mountains!” She was so excited. I love her to pieces.

I have just finished my second cup of coffee.

I wish I had $3000 for a TemperPedic mattress.

If I had a month to travel the world with all expenses covered and local tour guides helping out I would choose to tour the islands of the South Pacific, go to Australia, then tour China.

The only states that I have NEVER been to include:  Maine, Rhode Island, Delaware, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Iowa, Indiana, Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Kansas, Nebraska, North Dakota, South Dakota, Oregon, Hawaii, and Washington.

I’m hoping to go back to school next fall.

I cannot live without back and foot rubs.

Snakes scare the living shit out of me. You know how some people can’t watch a horror movie in the dark? I can’t watch a show about snakes in the dark. Weird, I know.

I skipped a grade in elementary school.

I graduated 3rd in my class in high school.

I am still a Nerd, and proud of it.

I have 5 tattoos:  3 need touching up, and I want one removed.

I am allergic to 3 medications all of which give me the hives.

Some of my favorite smells are freshly mowed grass, honeysuckle, orange blossoms on the orange tree, rain, clean sheets, my babies, J’s cologne, and the beach.

I need to pee.

I have an old friend that is doing another tour in Afghanistan right now. I’m trying to think of things to put in his care package, but I’m coming up empty. All of my friends from high school or college that do tours overseas get at least one care package from me.

I hear 6-inch’s little teeth crunching on a potato chip. It is so cute. It reminds me of our old Chihuahua puppy when she would eat her tiny kibble one piece at a time.

I really have to pee now.

Tell me some things about you!

 

 

The Haircut From Hell

I think I’ve been given the salon version of a bitch-slap. I kept commenting on another stylist’s awesome color and asking how she did it (I want her color now but it will have to be done slowly over several months so as to not fry my hair), and the stylist who was cutting my hair was apparently pissed that I wasn’t engaging her in conversation about the awesomeness of her permed bangs and 80s feathering. I got home with really short hair that barely wraps around my round brush and the back looks like it was cut by a lawn mower.

Life Lesson #669:  Bullshit with your own stylist about her awesome hair…even if it is a blatant lie.

How bad is it? Brace yourselves. I look like a red-headed MckMama except 80 pounds lighter.

I’m currently working on covering all of the mirrors in the house and in the future will only let the chick with the really awesome colored hair give me haircuts.