Totally Random Friday

For M. and the Rocket Scientist (but mainly for M) on Chemo Friday  ♥

It has been quite awhile since I’ve done a Totally Random Friday so I thought there is no time like the present to post!

Today I took 6-inch to see a Feeding Therapist. To back track, let me tell you about 6-inch as a wee baby. He drank breast milk (I pumped exclusively) for the first 5 months of his life, but he had awful problems with spitting-up and vomiting. There, oddly enough, was no reflux–he didn’t gag or cough after feedings, and lying flat didn’t bother him at all. Our pediatrician said that some babies are just really spitty-uppy and as long as he was growing she wasn’t worried. We started baby cereal and baby foods at 5 months, but 6-inch didn’t want to have anything to do with it. He would try every few days to introduce something, and he never really ate more than a mouthful or two. About 6 weeks ago he finally started eating baby food and cereal really well. Our doctor recommended a feeding therapy consult because he, now at thirteen months of age, will NOT eat solid foods. He will touch them and play with them, but not once does he lick his fingers or try to put the food in his mouth. When we’ve gotten him to take a Cheerio or yogurt melt he gags and wretches uncontrollably. He won’t eat mushy bananas or any other soft table foods. The therapist said that he is a happy, healthy little man who will eat solids when he is good and ready. She found no evidence of tongue or swallowing problems, and she gave us lots of good advice and strategies for letting him explore the world of people food. It will be messy, but I’m game to do whatever she recommends.

Footlong is absolutely loving the first grade and his teacher. He is such a curious little boy and asks tons of questions. Yesterday he and 6-inch went to the doctor with me, and my doctor is a good friend of mine. Footlong was looking at a very expensive book in the lobby called, “How Does It Work?” It talks about everything under the sun and how it works. Footlong brought the book back into the exam room, and when my doctor came in Footlong proceeded to talk to her about spiders. She sat down next to him, and they looked at pictures of tarantulas together. When we got up to leave she told Footlong she could keep the book, and the next time he came he had to talk to her about something else. That book was $20! How nice of her to give it to Footlong, and Footlong looked at it the whole way home. We make Footlong try new foods (he has to take at least one bite), and this week he has discovered that he likes plantain chips and stuffed jalapenos. He has also decided that he positively hates poached eggs and French onion soup. His favorite food right now is lima beans.

J is really busy with work. I can’t remember if I have ever mentioned it, but J is an electrical engineer. He has degrees from GA Tech and the U of Arizona. He is so smart, and we have our fingers crossed that he will be getting another promotion next year.

As for me, what is there to say? I am getting over a cold and have a nagging cough. I ordered a new dress today. See?

I also own it in red and would like to buy it in black as well. I reorganized my makeup the other day because I got sick of rummaging around and not finding what I was looking for. The solution? I’m using an old purse as a makeup bag. One zippered pouch holds eye liner, mascara, and my lash curler; another zippered pouch holds lip liner, glosses, and lip sticks. The zippered pouch in the middle holds all of my makeup brushes and foundations. The main compartment of the purse holds my bevy of eyeshadows. It’s working well so far, and when I’m done putting on makeup I just chuck the bag in the closet. Speaking of purses, this is the purse I want:

It is a replica (a darn good one at that) of a Hermes Birkin bag. I’ve long admired the Birkin bag, but I don’t have $10,000-$150,000 to spend on a purse. I just like the style of the bag, and Tiffany blue is my favorite color after all!

My brother, sister-in-law, and precious niece have survived Hurricane Isaac in one piece. They lost power briefly, and then it came back on–they were without power for just a couple of hours. My SIL has posted photos of their flooded street and my beautiful 4-year-old niece splashing around in the water. Their house, thankfully, did not flood; they live in the suburbs of Baton Rouge. You know, it’s really funny. Growing up we were a family that ate dinner together every night at 6:00 pm. We took family vacations every summer. Now we are all scattered:  me, J, and the kids in Arizona; my brother and his family in Louisiana, and my parents now live in Alabama. We are separated by 2000 miles and two time zones. My brother hasn’t met his youngest nephew (although he has seen him on Skype). I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen my precious niece (who calls me “Aunt Sissy”) in person. If I could have one wish it would be for us to live closer together.

I am still waiting to hear from the insurance company regarding final approval for my gastric bypass surgery. You would not believe the support I have gotten from the gals at MWOP and those that read here. You would also not believe the hate that some people spew:  I am fat, I am worthless, my hubby must be a loser because all he can get is a fat chick, surgery is cheating, I am gross, etc. Just because there are people out there that are thin or who have managed to lose weight on their own does not make them better than me. My husband chose me because he loves me. My body has served me well. It has carried and birthed two healthy children. I’m not ashamed to admit that I need help in losing weight. I have struggled with demons most of my life regarding my weight and how I look. So, for those of you who feel better than me because you’re thin or have lost weight on your own, I’d like to invite you to have sex with yourself at this time. Oh, ok, I’ll say it the other way too:  Go fuck yourself.

just some blurbs

Today has been fun for us you see

I had a doctors appointment and

I took both of the kids

The doctor was amazed at how advanced my dear

Footlong is so she let him conduct the physical examination

and make my diagnosis she even let him write the prescription

6-inch slumbered sweetly sighing and snoring snugly seated during said

physical examination I proceeded to take the kids to Dast Expensive a

German boutique to buy some clothing Spent $2000 we did and I purposely

bounced a check to boot LOL LOL LOL

6-inch is now the owner of baby jeans with miniature pockets so I

had to run right out and spend $$ on a miniature wallet and miniature keys

cause I’m the totes cool mom ’round these parts

Don’t you think writing in the middle and

omitting punctuation looks snappy and smart

I think so

My rubber band guy at Acme is telling me we’re having a sale

on these game changing healthy rubber bands

If you order a gross before midnight you get $50 off your order

if you order between midnight at 4:00 am you get 50 rubber bands free

and there is something else I can’t remember but no worries

just shoot me an email at dotdotdotdotDOTdotATgmailDOTcom

I am also with my admin hosting my first ever “Stretch and Fetch” at my

local Office Depot Come on by for some sample rubber bands and free paper clips

We’ll even sprinkle rubber bands on food and watch what happens while we listen to rap music

and take pictures of my beautiful feet

My husband is a total asshole

but he asked me not to blog about it

so I wont

I’ve gotta go now because Footlong

was playing with a cleaver and seems to have lopped

off some toes where is my fucking camera?

.

.

This is a really shitty work of fiction that is nothing more than one giant, nonsensical run-on sentence. Footlong doesn’t play with cleavers or write prescriptions. 6-inch doesn’t own a mini-wallet for his mini-jeans. I have heartburn right now.

Weekend at Casa Snort

Most of the time I try to post humorous things here at The Snort Files, but today I thought that I would share what our weekend was like. I’m not going to write in the style of my alter ego, MockMama. I’m not going to punctuate it with photos of my shoes or product descriptions from DinoDirect. I probably won’t even be funny. Sometimes I’m afraid that if I’m not funny y’all won’t read here; I feel like I have to entertain you. That said, here is a glimpse into my real life:

 

 

FRIDAY

 

I count Friday as part of the weekend. 6-inch and I had an appointment with a feeding therapist for an evaluation; he is 13 months old (today!), and he will not eat solid food. He just started eating baby food maybe 2 months ago. He had alot alot of problems with reflux and vomiting as a tiny baby, and even though the problems resolved when he was about 7 months old his pediatrician said this may be a texture issue. Whenever I put a solid in his mouth (puffs, Cheerios, baby yogurt drops) he gags and wretches. We, unfortunately, had to cancel the evaluation because we both had a little tummy bug–diarrhea and vomiting for the both of us! J took pity on me and came home from work at 2:00 pm; he picked up Footlong from school too. I went to bed about 4:30 pm and woke up at 10:00 pm; I got up, peed, ate something, and went back to bed about 1:00 am and slept clear through until morning.

 

 

SATURDAY

 

Our good friends were coming over for a visit Saturday afternoon, so Saturday morning was spent picking up the house. One of my blog readers, MiMi, sent me pictures from her shoe collection; I’m so glad I’m not the only shoe whore out there! She asked to see more of my shoes, so I did a shoe photo shoot on the dining room table and then blogged. J picked up lunch from Cracker Barrel; he ate lemon pepper grilled trout with green beans and macaroni and cheese. Footlong ate his usual fried shrimp and fried okra. I had catfish, turnip greens, okra, and cornbread. 6-inch had a bottle (50% whole milk, 50% formula). See? How boring is this?!? Our friends arrived about 3:00 pm. We call them our Mormon counterparts because they are exactly like us….except they are Mormon. D is my best friend; she is funny as hell and has a wicked sense of humor. A is the counterpart to J; they are both computer and video game nerds. A is also quite funny, but he is much quieter than D. Footlong and their son, L, are best friends. They brought with them some extended family. Me, D, and her sister-in-law went to Fascinations which is an “adult” boutique if you get my meaning. I have to be delicate here because my parents read my blog (Hi, Dad! Hi, Mom!). We then went to AJ’s, a gourmet market that has amazing desserts, for some sweets and drinks. The guys stayed home and played video games. We had so much fun. After their extended family left D and I went to a Chinese/Thai restaurant to pick up dinner. I tried Thai food for the first time (chicken Pad Thai and some kind of fish entrée) and didn’t care for it. I don’t know if it was shitty Thai food or that I just don’t like Thai food–I’ve never eaten Thai before so I have nothing to compare it to. I’m thinking I should try it from another restaurant sometime to see if it is better. They left about 10:00 pm to drive back to Phoenix. We got Footlong to bed and played with 6-inch for a bit until he was ready to go down. J and I then snuggled up on the couch and watched some Olympics that were still on our DVR (rhythmic gymnastics, women’s mountain biking, and the men’s marathon). J got the bed linens out of the dryer, made the bed, and I went to sleep around 3:00 am.

 

 

SUNDAY

 

Sunday was boring. We usually spend it relaxing. J likes to play video games or Pokemon with Footlong. 6-inch crawled and explored the house. I went shopping at CVS and then to a dollar store for J’s birthday. We don’t have alot of extra $$$ right now, so I bought a shit ton of candy (J has a major sweet tooth). I filled a gift bag full of miniature candy bars, Fun Dip, Toblerone, gummy bears, Airheads, and miniature Sugar Daddies. For dinner last night we had left over chicken and broccoli (Footlong’s entrée from the night before–my kid fucking LOVES him some broccoli), spicy cornbread, smashed potatoes with butter and chives, and lima beans (as requested by Footlong. Seriously. He loves lima beans too.). Footlong finished his homework packet which involved reading, spelling, and neatly writing his spelling words 3 times each. He also had to do worksheets where he wrote his birthday, address, and phone number. I love that our school district requires homework for ALL grades; he even had homework last year in kindergarten. We love his school. We rent our home, and our two-year lease is up in February. We are hoping to renew and stay here, but if our landlords decide to sell the house (their ultimate goal) we will be having to find another place. Regardless, we will keep Footlong at his school. He brought home forms from the Scholastic book fair, and we picked out a bunch of stuff totaling almost $70.00. That was for about 15 books. He has to read for 20 minutes every night, so we are happy to buy him books and build a little library for him. I try reading to 6-inch, but he fucking hates it and will not be still. I’ll just keep trying. 6-inch was in his Johnny Jump-Up last night (one of those bouncy things that hangs from the door frame), and he spun himself in circles until he puked. We got him out of the thing, and he proceeded to puke all over me. We skyped with my parents (and my grandmother and uncle who are at my parent’s house right now). It makes me sad that they can’t visit with their grandkids when they want. They live in Alabama, my brother, sister-in-law, and niece live in Louisiana, and we’re in Arizona. I am grateful, however, that they can at least see their grandkids everyday. I grabbed a shower, and J bathed both boys. Footlong goes to bed about 9:30 pm, and every night he has fruit and milk as a bedtime snack. That has been his snack since he could eat solid foods. 6-inch fell asleep about 10:30. J and I spent some time together, and then he fell asleep watching TV. I got on the computer and MWOPed (I know that is not a verb) for a bit then watched “Believe” on Netflix. That movie had me amused from beginning to end; it is a satirical mockumentary about people who join a MLM organization, also known as a pyramid scheme; you know what I’m talking about:  Mary Kay, Xyngular, and Shaklee to name a few. I ate two glazed donuts (my vice), felt guilty about it, then went to bed about 1:00 am.

 

 

I hope you haven’t been thoroughly bored by my real life. What did you do this weekend?

More Shoes ♥

Someone who knows my love of shoes sent me an email this morning with pictures from their own shoe collection! How awesome is that?!? Thanks, MiMi! And, as you requested, here are more of my shoes:

 

 

 

A Smashing Tuesday!

Good morning y’all! Did you know that I say “y’all?” Well I do. It is because my college roommate’s brother’s ex-girlfriend’s second cousin was from Georgia, so that makes me a Southerner too! Y’all, y’all, y’all!

My Tuesday is going just smashingly. Really. It is. No, seriously. It is. Today I had a team building session via Skype with the Acme Rubber Band sales and design team, and I am so pumped! There were 12 of us skyping and sharing testimonials about these wonderful all-natural bands. I took a picture of myself skyping. See?

 

 

 

 

Do you or anyone you know suffer from a messy desk, disorganization, lost papers, breast cancer, hemorrhoids, ingrown toenails, heart disease, depression, or schizophrenia? If so you would be amazed at the healing powers these products have. I suffered horribly from being about 100 pounds overweight. I had no self-esteem and was so tired. Not anymore. Can you see how thin I am?

 

 

 

 

If you’re interested in these all-natural rubber bands and improving your quality of life to my level then shoot me an email at dotdotdotdotDOTdotATgmailDOTcom.

 

A wonderful dinner was ours last night. You didn’t know I could cook? Well I do! Ahem. I made homemade polenta and cashew butter and topped it with a mixture of canned tuna, cilantro, garbonzo beans, onion, habanero peppers, mustard greens, and raw eggs. I topped it with chia seeds, finishing salt, and Smucker’s Magic Shell ice cream topping. The kids raved about it! Mr. Snort praised me to no end. I don’t cuss but if I did which I will I’d say that I am too fucking awesome for words.

 

Footlong is enjoying his educational mentoring. At the brick and mortar training center. Last night he recited Poe’s “The Telltale Heart” and then did a wee bit of calculus. Graphing functions was his as I made him an egg and rubber band smoothie for brain power. He is so brilliant. Just this past weekend he built a California king bed out of a mirror, 3 guitar strings, a bag of cotton balls, a can of Lysol, and a handful of safety pins. I took a picture of him hard at work:

 

 

 

 

6-inch has been sick with pneumonia. I took him to the dr. but he said it was just a cold. Just a cold! I told him that I am almost a doctor and that my professional opinion was that 6-inch was approaching respiratory failure and needed to be institutionalized immediately where he could have access to scientists, more doctors, and free Wi-Fi to meet my Tweeting/Facebooking/Instagramming/Blogging/Emailing needs. We are at home now and 6-inch is completing a course of anabolic steroids. I figured that if he needed steroids for airway inflammation then we could just go ahead and use the ones to help him build muscle to boot. Just look at my babe before:

 

 

 

 

And look at sweetly smiling 6-inch after:

 

 

 

I don’t cuss except for when I do but if I did which I will I would say that I am fucking awesome at this mothering shit. Speaking of mothering, ahem, I took the kids to the park yesterday. Yes. I took a photo. See?

 

 

 

Look at how much fun their having! Afterwords I took them for McDonalds. I made them eat salad and I had a #10, super-mega-biggie-king-upsized, with a hairy goat milkshake. And since Instagram and blogs are nothing more than a vehicle for food photos, I took a picture of my meal for you my loyal fans:

 

 

 

Errrrr…..that’s not right. But look at what my wonderful products have done for me!

 

 

 

This is a really terrible work of fiction. It pained me to take pictures of my feet for your viewing displeasure. 6-inch had the croup, and he is all better. Footlong loves school and doesn’t know who in the fuck Poe is. Last night for dinner we had BBQ pork ribs, lima beans, and mashed potatoes. Did you notice that I fit “their” and “afterwords” in the post? LOL. I kill myself.

In the past few days I…

…have taken the kids to the pediatrician to ask if Xyng was right for them.

…joked about my kids needing Xyng. We went to the pediatrician because they were sick.

…got a car wash.

…have been to Costco.

…have grilled BBQ ribs. Yes, I do the grilling in our family.

…have enjoyed an iced venti nonfat Latte with an extra shot from Starbucks. And I added six Splenda.

…have taken 6-inch to the ER with croup.

…have cleaned the kitchen.

…have shaved my legs.

…have started to buy protein supplements and bariatric vitamins that I will need post-surgery.

…have bought shoes from Just Fab. With me being a new member and the sale they were having I got 3 pair of shoes for $59. Don’t judge me.

…have decided that Tiffany blue is my absolute favorite color.

…have found a website that sells replica Hermes Birkin bags. They look awesome, and that is cool because I can’t afford $20,000 for a real Birkin.

…have skyped with Mother and Father Snort, Grandmother Snort, and one of my Uncle Snorts.

…have packed up another box to send to my new friend in Nunavut. That makes 3 so far  🙂

…was surprised with a bouquet of roses by J.

…ate a Hawaiian blizzard from Dairy Queen (pineapple, bananas, coconut).

…have pulled some weeds in the front yard.

…hurt my back pulling weeds in the front yard.

…have gotten several back/shoulder rubs from J.

…have been absolutely amazed at the level of stupidity some people possess.

…have fried catfish.

…have had some seriously weird dreams. Last night I dreamed I went to Hollywood and made fat lady porn.

…been absolutely miserable in the heat. 114 degrees = no fun.

…have been wondering what to get J for his birthday.

…have been told that 6-inch needs to see a feeding therapist to evaluate his aversion to solid foods.

…have colored my hair. I’m not ready to be gray.

…have looked at some profiles on FB of people with seemingly perfect lives:  cute kids, luxury car, really nice home, lots of smiley pictures.

…wondered what demons/skeletons said people were hiding. You can dress it up all you like, but no one’s life is perfect.

…poached eggs for J.

…have taken Footlong for an afterschool smoothie.

…have kissed 6-inch’s chubby cheeks to death.

…have written a post about what I have done in the last few days.

According to Footlong…

Footlong:  “Mom, when is your surgery?”

Me:  “I don’t know yet. Why?”

Footlong:  “Just wondering. Why are you having surgery?”

Me:  “Because I’m fat and need help losing weight so I can be healthy.”

Footlong:  (crying) “Mom! It is not nice to say fat. That word hurts people’s feelings. You don’t call people stupid or ugly either.”

Me:  “Well, sweetie, that is a good point. Mommy does weigh a lot though. How would you describe me?”

Footlong:  “Really pretty and nice…..with lots of squishy skin!”