Life and Death

Greetings and salutations my faithful minions…..er….lovely readers. It has been a busy few days for us to be sure.

My darling, well behaved, clean, intelligent, special children accompanied me to the local farmers market this morning in our quest for healthy morsels to put in our tummies. We proceeded to stock a cart full of nuts, seeds, butters, wood chips, finishing salt, concluding salt, indecisive salt, organic whipping cream, organic free range donuts, a woman named Maria who I have hired to be our live-in tortilla maker, eggs (so I can make leftover scrambled eggs), and veggies. Whilst waiting in line, wondering why I am being made to wait because I’m famous and shit, the customer in front of me became irate and argumentative with the cashier. He told the cashier, “Excuse me, I think you rang this up as kale when it is, in fact, a bunch of parsley.” The cashier denied making the mistake, and the customer raised his voice and started to explain again. I had no choice but to act as my body surged with adrenaline, caffeine, and laxatives. I threw my arms up in the air and yelled, “EVERYONE STAY CALM! THERE IS AN IRATE TERRORIST IN THE STORE. DON’T WORRY! I AM ADORED THE WORLD OVER AND WILL HANDLE THE SITUATION. NOBODY MOVE.” I immediately ushered Footlong, 6-inch, Maria, and all of the women and children out of the store. I proceeded to get on Facebook and Twitter and ask for advice. I was immediately inundated with people responding that I was the bravest chick they had ever met and that I was overreacting. I apologized to the cashier and customer and gave them my business card and a coupon for 50% off of their first order of personalized rubber bands if they sign up for autoship and refer three friends. I left the store with a springy pep in my step feeling good that I had served humanity in a small way and felt justified in drinking a bag of M&Ms on the way home from the life or death episode I was a part of with. No need to thank me, my dear public. You’re welcome! I have also called all of the local news stations as well as the major networks to tell them of my actions.

Footlong has been busy soaking up the summer time and sun that is almost over with a new month starting and school time approaching to boot. Tonight he is directing the Tucson Symphony Orchestra.

6-inch is….erm….well….he’s just 6-inch. He enjoys watching the Olympics with me. I rigged a 1 meter springboard atop our bathtub (we are renting) and tried to teach him an inward double somersault, but he proceeded to squeal “DA DA DA DA DA!” urinate in the water. I then fashioned a baby pommel horse for him to work on his upper body strength, and he looked at me eyes and mouth open with confusion and drool. I explained what a pommel horse is and he grabbed it and tried to gnaw on the handles. Worry about that child I do with worrisome worry that can only be defined as worried.

That is enough for right now. In dusting the entertainment center this morning I noticed that our TV has a little extra space around it from the walls of the center, so I’m off to buy a new TV that fits.

Love,
Me

Snort Jackson
Platinum sales qualifying elite consultant director princess
Acme Personalized Rubberbands
“Let me help you get your stretch on!”
520-555-BAND

This is a obviously a work of fiction. There was no terror attack at the farmers market over kale and parsley. I am not on twitter. Footlong and 6-inch  are playing with each other right now, and I am about to make macaroni and cheese for lunch. If this post didn’t make you laugh you need to get a sense of humor. And I just realized that I didn’t say “fuck” in the entire post. I’m losing my touch.

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Over The Weekend I…..

…enjoyed lots of thunderstorms and rain. When you live in a place that has 350+ days of sunshine a year you really appreciate the bad weather when it comes! Alot of areas in our county and in surrounding counties had flash floods.

…watched the Olympic opening ceremonies and felt like I had dropped acid or something. Dancing nurses? Social media intertwined with short movies? A gaggle of Mary Poppins’ attacking a giant Harry Potter bad guy? David Beckham in a speed boat, and Her Majesty parachuting with James Bond? I did love Mr. Bean though; he has always made me laugh.

…ate a grilled chicken sandwich from Subway. It was on white bread and was dressed with provolone cheese, onions, extra pickles, black olives, bell peppers, and reduced fat mayo. Now you can eat like Snort. LOL

…celebrated that my little 6-inch is now officially a toddler.

…slept late.

…battled PMS with a fucking vengeance.

…tried a new way of curling my hair without curlers and without heat. It turned out great!

…plucked stray eyebrows.

…neglected housework in favor of hanging out with J and the boys watching the Olympics.

…drank Diet Cherry 7-UP.

…had Footlong tell me that he was hibernating (he was under a blanket). I told him that no one hibernates in the summer. His retort? “Mom, I am a bunny. It’s December. Just go with it.”

…ate a prickly pear.

…did some laundry.

…stepped on one of Footlong’s little toys and yelled.

…skyped with my parents.

…made 6-inch laugh by making funny faces and pretending to punch J.

…ate an Oreo Blizzard.

…made a pot of coffee and forgot to drink it.

…picked at the chipped nail polish on my fingers.

…was too lazy to remove said nail polish with actual polish remover.

…just realized that “polish remover” could be interpreted as a device used to remove people from Poland.

…poached eggs.

…got headbutted (is that a word?) by 6-inch. He has a huge head; I tell him all the time that his huge head holds his big, smart brain.

…trolled Google Earth oooohing and ahhhhing at beautiful pictures of the Cook Islands and Maldives (IMO they are the two most beautiful places on the planet).

…looked through my collection of vintage Garbage Pail Kids.

…learned that Footlong LOVES to watch “Masterchef.” Seriously. He is fucking fascinated that people have “cooking races.”

…did alot of thinking.

Totally Random Friday

For M. on chemo Friday  ♥

Last night I had awful, awful dreams about Scientology. In my weekly gossip magazines I, of course, have been reading claptrap about Tom Cruise and his “religion.” I put that in quotations because in my book a “religion” doesn’t count if it’s founder was a science fiction writer who believes people on Earth hail from the planet Xenu. Anyway, I was reading things online about Scientology before bed so naturally I dreamed about it. In the dream I went in a Scientology center to use the bathroom or something else benign, and I was not allowed to leave until I had a session with the e-meter. Scientologists started invading every aspect of my life until they finally put me under house arrest until I agreed to join their “religion.”  Creepy. As. Fuck.

The [SNORT] Files is searchable online, and blogger allows me to see what search phrases people are using. 99% of them say things like “snort files,” “snort files MWOP,” “snort blog,” and the like. Here are some other things that have landed folks here:  “Jennifer McKinney lies,” “Mckmama photoshop,” “Mckmama bankruptcy,” “Burt Reynolds dick,” “chubby naked saddle shoes,” “Burt Reynolds pornstar,” “hunger in Nunavut,” “make me laugh,” “make me laugh so hard I snort,” “Mckmama Xyng,” “where to get the best footlong,” “wood riding toy,” “nurse + drug addiction,” “anal bleaching,” and….wait for it….”vajazzling.” For the record….there is no picture of Burt Reynold’s junk on my blog; I made a comment on my post about 70’s Playgirl models about Burt Reynolds in “Deliverance,” but Burt’s wee wee isn’t here. And what in the fuck is a chubby naked saddle shoe?

6-inch is celebrating his first birthday today! Happy Birthday my beautiful little man!! 6-inch was born by c-section and was 7 lb 14 oz and 19 inches long. He had brown fuzz on his head and started sleeping through the night when he was 8 weeks old. Fast forward a year and I have a happy, healthy, giggly 24 pound man who still has brown fuzz on his head. He has gray eyes, 6 teeth, and nobody can make this kid laugh like Footlong can. He loves toys with wheels and will stop whatever he is doing to watch “Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs.” He hates being read to (probably because he hates sitting still) and is just now eating baby food a good bit. He refuses to eat solid food. He crawls lightning fast and can walk if he is holding on to something. He goes to bed at 9:30 or 10:00 pm and sleeps until 7:00 am. 6-inch loves hearing me sing his special song, and he hates being in a poopy diaper. He makes every single minute of my life a joy  ♥

I ate crab legs last night.

I can’t get the Matchbox 20 song “She’s So Mean” out of my noggin.

Я думаю о принятии русские классы в местном колледже, потому что Rosetta Stone оставляет желать лучшего.

J gave me a foot rub last night that made my eyes roll back in my head. I may have drooled too.

I hate touchscreen phones and refuse to own one. Blackberry fo’ life, bitches!

This summer so far has been relatively cool as far as Tucson summers are concerned. We’ve only been above 110 a handful of days—usually it is weeks and weeks. The monsoons have been good as well although we have been hit with flash floods.

I ordered some Priority Mail boxes online from the post office. They are free. I ordered 10 large boxes (for Nunavut food shipments) and 5 boxes that hold board games. Some idiot at the post office sent me 5 boxes of game board boxes. Each box contains 25 boxes. I now own 125 Priority Mail gameboard boxes. Are you fucking kidding me?

My last hurdle to getting gastric bypass surgery is an appointment with the pulmonologist next week. If he clears me I can then submit everything (and by everything I mean paperwork from the dietician, psychologist, my primary care doctor, and a cardiologist) to the insurance company for approval. I’m sooooooo ready!

I love putting lemon wedges in my glasses of water.

When I get bored one of my favorite things to do is get on Google Translate and send a random sentence through a myriad of languages to see what I end up with. The sentence I’ll use right now is, “Some people are complete narcissists but will one day get what is coming to them.”  I started in English then translated that into Russian, then into Chinese, then into Danish, then into Afrikkans, then into Arabic, followed by Thai, then back to English. The final product:  “Jennifer McKinney is full of crap.”  No, no, just kidding. The final product was, “Daffodils are one, but one day.” Huh? It loses something in translation, doesn’t it? LOL

I am so excited that “Arrested Development” is being reborn as a web series followed by an “Arrested Development” movie. I’m so excited I may just go to the movie theater to see it dressed as a Blue Man and driving a stair car while having bouts of vertigo like Lucille #2.

Get To Know Snort Thursday

I was thinking today while I was washing dishes. Don’t be surprised. I do some thinking every now and again. You guys that read here know some things about me:  I’m married, have two boys, live in the desert, am a former RN, have been clean for over two years from an addiction to pain meds, am a proud MWOPer (www.mwopblog.com), passionately support the residents of Nunavut, and just had a wonderful 10 day visit with Mother and Father Snort. You’ve seen a picture or two of me, J, and the boys, and you’ve probably seen the videos of me during the ill conceived “Operation KABOOM!” All of that is well and good, but today I would like to show you some things from my life so you can get a better sense of who I am and what I like. This will have to be a multipart series, I guess, so today I’ll start with my shoes. My mama always said you can always tell alot ’bout people by they shoes. Where they goin’. Where they been. I don’t have any of Forrest Gump’s magic shoes, but I do have a few pair that I fucking love.

Many of you know I’m having gastric bypass surgery soon. I have slowly been buying some skinny clothes (my surgeon said I could expect to be 140-150 lbs, and that is a size 12 for me), and J has been letting me buy new shoes as well. I love shoes. I love J. And I love that J loves shoes. Hope these give you a glimpse into my personality:

Purple sequins on the side, a pink flower, lime green bow on the back, and zombie teeth on the toes!

These Colin Stuart espadrilles are from Victoria’s Secret. They were originally $80, but I got them on clearance for $29.99 with a $10 coupon on top of that! I love shoes that lace up the ankle!

My gold and turquoise sandals from TJ Maxx. You know…..for conventions and funerals and such. (And yes…..my fingernails are painted green ☺)
The rest of my shoes are from Shoedazzle’s B1G1 free sales—2 pair of shoes for $39.99 with free shipping!! I am like Carrie Bradshaw at Shoedazzle!! (Note:  I am not affiliated with them in any way; I just lurve me some Shoedazzle!)

I am thinking next Thursday I’m going to take pictures of my swimming panties and jog bras. Thoughts?

Tragic Wednesday

I have been down on my knees crying and screaming to God, “Why me? Why meeeeeeeeee?” I have sunburn. It hurts. I told Mr. Snort he needs to come home post haste so that I can go to the ER and possibly get admitted to the burn unit because let’s face it:  I am capable of feeling far more pain than any other person on the face of the Earth. All of the doctors want to examine me because I have so many health problems that the regular public does not.

Mother and Father Snort abandoned me, Mr. Snort, and our wee babes today. Selfish bastards. What could be more important than watching my kids so I can sleep, cleaning my house, paying my bills, and booking spa services for me? Um, hello! I am their only daughter. Even though I am quite certainly most possibly miffed I did pack them a picnic basket full of black rice, hemp hearts, hemp intestines, hemp brains, homemade Skippy peanut butter, and a dozen raw eggs in a Ziploc baggie (with a straw) so they wouldn’t get hungry on their trip home.

Footlong is excited that classes at his brick and mortar training center are starting again in two weeks. He is supposed to be going into the first grade, but I am lobbying the principal let him teach the first grade. He is already working on calculus and sculpting busts of presidents past. Last night built a working hot tub out of a large cardboard box, empty fish tank, a roll of paper towels, 3 strips of duct tape, a pack of D batteries, and an English muffin.

6-inch is a hot mess as usual. The first anniversary of his birth is Friday, but we celebrated last night so that Mother and Father Snort could enjoy it. Seeing as how my babe has 6 teeth I made him a birthday quinoa and clementine trifle. First, he refused to blow out the candles. To further spite me he then urinated on himself and squealed, “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” Told him to use his adult words I did; he contemplated my request with a scrunched up thinking face then proceeded to rectally excrete a brick into his disposable toileting receptacle. “You’ve got to be kidding me!” replied I. I helped him to unwrap his gift (the complete writings of Danielle Steele and L. Ron Hubbards “Dianetics”). Awaited thanks I did but greeted was I instead with a look of confusement. Cheeky little buggar that one is.

I am headed to a wonderful convention a fortnight from present. I have been selling personalized rubber bands (click here for a voucher for a free rubber band ball with your first purchase!) from Acme, and I am a now a platinum sales qualifying elite consultant director princess. As this is a prestigious event where I will receive many accolades, love, money, and devotion (woo-hoo!) I have been shopping for the perfect business attire and have settled on this conservative number to accentuate all of my charms:

I have also decided to lose some weight before the convention to look my absolute best. I am down 89 pounds since June 1st! Can you tell how awesome I look and how thin I am?

I guess that is all for now. Footlong has written a one act play and wishes to direct me in his production of “My Mom Is Fucking Awesome.” Yeah, I know  ☺

Gab soon!

Love,
Snort

Snort Jackson
Platinum sales qualifying elite consultant director princess
Acme Personalized Rubberbands
“Let me help you get your stretch on!”
520-555-BAND

I had a great time with my mom and dad and don’t know when I’ll see them in person again. Footlong is excited about going to school. 6-inch is adorable, happy, chubby, and is just as much a blessing and joy as his brother. I do know how to dress appropriately for all occasions—above I was dressed for Halloween, and you are a stupid shit if you thought I was seriously wearing that outfit in public. Footlong does not use the F-word. I’m pretty sure Acme just sells products to capture roadrunners.

In The Last Few Days I Have………

…made a total mess in the kitchen.

…bought 3 pair of shoes.

…bought Footlong a Star Wars lunch box and tricked it out by attaching a bunch of miniature Star-Wars figurines to it.

…eaten Japanese food.

…stayed at a hotel with my hubby.

…eaten at IHOP.

…shopped at AJ’s, a gourmet grocery store that actually has valet parking.

…been to Costco with Father Snort.

…washed my sheets and pillowcases.

…bought 6-inch a Lightning McQueen ride on toy for his upcoming 1st birthday.

…driven in a horrible thunderstorm.

…been to Target for diapers and formula.

…plucked stray eyebrows.

…immensely enjoyed my parents being here.

…learned that my first box of food made it to Nunavut!

…made hash browns topped with applewood smoked bacon, tomatoes, green onions, over medium eggs, and a jalapeno Hollandaise sauce.

…gotten teary eyed thinking about 6-inch, my last baby, growing up.

…read my weekly cache of gossip magazines.

…decided that just because you like teal and orange doesn’t necessarily mean that you should wear them together.

…realized I need to get back to blogging.

…heard a joke:  Where does a person with one leg work? IHOP.  Tasteless, I know.

…gotten my feet rubbed.

…decided some people are stupid.

…opted to not wear a bra. I substituted a bikini top.

…joked about wearing a bikini top as a bra. That never happened. I know the difference between underwear and swim wear.

…welcomed my nemesis, PMS, back into my life.

…watched “Contagion” on HBO. Any movie where Gwyneth Paltrow dies a violent death about 10 minutes in makes it, in my opinion, the feel good movie of the year.

…thought about organizing a Snort cruise.

…that was a joke as well. I am not world famous and better than everyone and believe that everyone should fork over a couple grand to spend time with me.

…read Tracey Coenen’s new MckMama fraud post at Fraud Files. I love this woman. Tracey…not MckMama. Sorry you misunderstood.

…decided that since 6-inch has texture issues with food I am not going to buy or make him a birthday cake. I am going to make him a bowl of birthday pudding and plop a candle in that.

…hugged and snuggled my kids a shit ton.

…surprised Footlong with a new backpack for school. Does anyone here know what Annoying Orange is?

…decided to tell you that Footlong’s name is Garrett and 6-inch’s name is Preston.

…listened to Footlong whine and complain about his academic day camp being over and school not starting until August. “I’m so bored, Mama! I want to go to school! Is there anywhere I can go right now?” I hope he continues to love school and learning as he gets older.

…realized that 6-inch looks like me.

…fried catfish.

…missed my MWOP gals immensely.

…meant to vacuum but haven’t.

…started watching “Miami Vice” on Netflix. I lived in FL during the time the series was shot and even had an autographed picture of Don Johnson.

…had a seriously fucked up dream where I was working as a nurse and hoping no one found out I didn’t have a nursing license. It was really weird and horrible.

…bored myself and my readers to tears talking about things I have done in the last few days.

Now! The Social Pressure!

For M on chemo Friday  ♥

I was talking to Father Snort the other day, and he was telling me that he is really impressed by my writing skills and humor (in all fairness, he is my dad and is obligated to tell his offspring those things). He choked up with laughter trying to tell me about his favorite post:  the clothing descriptions in Chinglish courtesy of a certain web retailer. I was telling him about the myriad of products they sell, and he asked me to post some more hilarious descriptions. This one is for you, Dad!

“This type of Castle Dog House, with special and high quality materials provides a comforting sense of safety, security and comfort which you and your dog will love it so much. The Castle Dog House is unique, attractive and the beautifyl shape is classic and lovely. With deep color and special material of this Sponge Dog House has Warm-toned and soft feel is most obvious of our Castle Dog House, it provide your dog a perfect living environment. Now, the social pressure! Work more and more busy, friends less and less! Really understand your family, and you might only side always accompanies you pet! Occasionally you frolicking become indispensable to adjust everyday life! What does not know, we would have been gradually put them into life, into the part of the family! They are more like a naughty boy! Give them a nice house.”

(What. In. The. Fuck?!? First we get a decent description of this doggie palace and then we must discuss the social pressure associated with canine housing?)

“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Our Christmas hat will perfectly accent your Christmas. You can see the rich optic luster in our Christmas hat. Spread the holiday cheer in the Christmas hat, for the ultimate Christmas effect. They will bring a festive feel to your Christmas display. You can use them as beautiful gift for the winter season.”

(Seriously? I’m pretty sure Happy Birthday and Christmas are two different things. Unless these, of course, are for Jesus’ surprise birthday party. I will concede, though, that the optic luster in those hats is indeed rich.)

 “A portable Breathable Sport Protection Pants for holding snowboards and skis horizontal and upright during sking. Breathable Sport Protection Pants keeps moisture away from your body, warms and humidifies inhaled air. Sport Protection Pants is made of high-material. It is suitable for your in sport time and is best choice.”

(OK, this isn’t a half bad idea:  pants to protect your junk whilst skiing and snowboarding. You know what I abso-fucking-lutely love about these pants? They warm and humidify inhaled air. I know at the end of some particularly challenging ski runs my (literal) ass is absolutely panting and gulping air, and I cannot even describe how goddamn bad my colon cramps up when my butt inhales cold air. It is the same thing with my lady business; sometimes my period will start out of sheer uterine protest to the inhaled cold air. Needless to say, I’m definitely buying these pants.)

“What a stylish finger skate boarding! It is healthfully friendly which can prevent your kids for hurt. And the simple and practical design of this finger skate boarding is easy for children to learn and play. In order to provide a happy growth time of your kids, this Four Wheels Skate Boarding can satisfy your needs. Come on, try it.”

(Well of course this toy will prevent your kids from getting hurt:  they are forced to skateboard with their fucking finger!! It is also easy for kids to learn to play with. Excuse me? Do they need to point that out? Is there actually a kid out there who is too damn stupid to push this with his finger? If I bought this for Footlong he would look at me like I was crazy.)

“If you want something slightly different from the classic costume, try on this delightful Women Cosplay Costume. This Women Cosplay Costume is healthy and does no harm to human body. Also, it is durable and comfortable to wear. Sexy Women Cosplay Costume Set is perfect for plays, theatrical performances, or as a unique Christmas costume. After you wear this Adult Cosplay Clothing, you will become the one you wish to be.”

(Finally! I have been telling J for years and years that dressing like a slutty she-devil at Christmas is totally appropriate, but he has been really stubborn about it. I know what I’ll be wearing Christmas morning!)

“Thanks for visiting! The men thongs designed to minimal coverage and provides you more freedom movement. The Elephant Nose Pattern can enhance the sexy of you.For those times when a regular Thong just doesn’t cut it, this mens thong, will not only charm your partner, the Men Brief will bring intrigue and fantasy into the bedroom. The front pouch of the Men Underwear allows for comfort and support while naturally enhancing your profile creating a sexy pair of men’s underwear. Complete your wardrobe collection with sexy and stylish mens thong.Choosing a mens thong underwear can create smooth lines through the pants. It is just for you. So what are you still waiting for?”

(For those times when a regular man-thong won’t cut it, wear an elephant thong! Really? It says this thing will charm your partner and bring intrigue into the bedroom. How? I would be too choked up laughing at J to consider the charm and intrigue factors. How is man-junk sexy when it is dressed as an elephant’s trunk? And those googly eyes just kill me; the elephant looks perpetually surprised as if to say, “There’s a penis stuffed in my trunk!” It also says that this thong will create smooth lines through the pants. Really? Look at this thing. You’ve got two floppy pachyderm ears and 3-D googly eyes. I am pretty sure that if you looked at a man wearing khaki pants and a polo shirt you would see some ruffling and bunching in the crotchal area.)

“This Baby Transparent Swimming Pool & Neck Float Set measures 27.5″ in height and 28.7″ in diameter. It is grate for your baby’s first swimming. Cute carton pattern can inspire your baby’s visual imagination. Made of high quality material, this baby swimming pool is durable enough for long time using. Provide safety and make your baby feel cool in the hot summer with this well-designed baby swimming pool. Show your great love to your lovely baby with this durable baby swimming pool.”

(I’m not going to snark on the product description, but this is the weirdest fucking baby pool I have ever seen. With the given dimensions it is basically the size of a little trash can, and you have to snap a floatie around your baby’s neck. Really? I googled and found this video on youtube:

Really? I would be worried about choking my kid or his head and neck sliding through the hole. Thoughts? Have any of you ever used a set up like this?)

“Have it ever bothered you that you like swimming in your pool or enjoy staying in your pool so much, but always worry about those precipitation for the water suspension, in addition to iron, cadmium, fluoride, except for radioactive contamination, in addition to floating objects, etc.? Well, we are so excited to recommend this disinfector pool cleaners, the disinfector pool cleaners can precipitate for the water suspension, in addition to iron, cadmium, fluoride, except for radioactive contamination, in addition to floating objects, etc and improve water quality color and turbidity, water out of the green, yellow, brown, white, black and other weird color of indecent.”

(Does anyone else see the irony of a product for pool cleaning that looks like a literal pile of shit? And what is with all the talk of radioactive contamination? Where are these kids swimming? Chernobyl?)

Lastly, there is this fine thing:

“This Breast Enlarger uses a sophisticated microcomputer to electronically stimulate tissue expansion and lean muscle toning.This Breast Enlarger Massager can prevent and cure breast diseases and enhance the shape of one’s cleavage. Breast Massager stimulates female’s breast, accelerate blood circulation and activate cell renewal and hormone secretion through physical massage with forceful vibration balls inside. Breast Massager can strengthen and tighten the muscles that control the look of the breast and dramatically increase breast size and form by promoting the growth of the tissue.In this way female breast will become more healthy and sexy.”

(Do those claims sound like a certain person is making them? Yeah, I thought so too.)